Anyone got any funny D&D stories?

[BlueMage]

I had a character rolled up that could actually inflict physical harm through Taunting. Anyways, the DM's self-insertion character would show up to mock us from time to time. One time, I taunted him. He looked at me. I smiled, and rolled a 16. He glared, rolled ... and hung his head before scribbling something down.

I successfully taunted God.

 

[CM156_v1legacy]

Snip

I was DMing a 3.5 group. My brother was playing a Monk who used his skill checks a bit to often
He and my friend, who was a Moon Elf Sorcerer, had just fought off two Rangers who were trying to kill them. They found a pair of shoes. These were just normal Monk sandals.

My friend: "I use a search check on the shoes" -Low roll-
Me: They're shoes.
My Friend: "I use Knowledge (Arcana) on the shoes" -Medium roll-
Me: You know of no magical properties on these shoes
My Friend: "I use Spellcraft on the shoes" -High Roll-
Me: You detect no magical properties on the shoes
My brother: "I use Knowledge (The Planes)[He's untrained in this, but I let it fly] on these shoes" -Low roll-
Me: "They're shoes
My brother: Are they from another plane, though?
Me: As far as you know, no
My brother: I use Knowledge (Religion) on the shoes. -Natural 20-
Me [Fed up]: The shoes are Catholic

Let me think a bit and I'll have some more stories for you.

 

[guidance]

I just started playing DnD with friends from school, their most epic story ended with one guy being strapped to the front of a space ship (apparently a futuristic campaign) and it being driven straight into the strongest military establishment in the campaign. He survived and was implanted into the facility and started killing people from within.

 

[bird of hermes]

My group had a warrior princess along with us. We decided to touch her butt and my friend rolled a 4. I rolled a 20 and we decided it was a critical butt touch.

 

[LarenzoAOG]

Snip

I was DMing a 3.5 group. My brother was playing a Monk who used his skill checks a bit to often
He and my friend, who was a Moon Elf Sorcerer, had just fought off two Rangers who were trying to kill them. They found a pair of shoes. These were just normal Monk sandals.

My friend: "I use a search check on the shoes" -Low roll-
Me: They're shoes.
My Friend: "I use Knowledge (Arcana) on the shoes" -Medium roll-
Me: You know of no magical properties on these shoes
My Friend: "I use Spellcraft on the shoes" -High Roll-
Me: You detect no magical properties on the shoes
My brother: "I use Knowledge (The Planes)[He's untrained in this, but I let it fly] on these shoes" -Low roll-
Me: "They're shoes
My brother: Are they from another plane, though?
Me: As far as you know, no
My brother: I use Knowledge (Religion) on the shoes. -Natural 20-
Me [Fed up]: The shoes are Catholic

Let me think a bit and I'll have some more stories for you.

That actually cause me to laugh out loud.

 

[Drew Richard]

My friends and I were doing our first adventure. It happened to be 2nd edition though 3rd was out already. Our party had a thing for mementos of the foes we had slain (teeth, scales and the like) Our party had slain a mighty dragon (adolescent, but at level 2 that was a huge deal)then we proceeded to take scales and teeth from the fallen foe. I, the wizard that I was decided to take a lot of scales so i could sell them to some merchant or other so that they could make scale mail (at this time, i thought scale mail was made out of scales..derp). We left its den and rested for the night. I was on watch with my trusty wand of Magic Missle (that's trigger word was "Blow Up") when from the forest, I see this lumbering creature slowly approach the campsite. It was oozing all over its body, and liquid was dripping from its mouth. I swiftly woke my party as the shambling creature approached. Finally it was illuminated by the light of our fire. The very dragon we had 'slain' was back and may have been slightly upset. Apparently we were tearing it apart while it was still alive, back in its den. It was just unconscious. Suffice to say we killed it. Then we had the fighter cut off its head just to be safe.

 

[LarenzoAOG]

Does it just have to be D&D Games or just pen and paper games in general?

If it was funny I'll hear it out.

 

[orangeban]

Well, this isn't DnD but instead it's for the similar system, Runequest, which I quickly abandoned, deeming it too complicated.

Anyway, I'd just introduced my friend to it, and quickly explained the rules and stuff. After various hilarious antics on a boat (during which I basically deliberatlly trolled him, but nothing major, just asserting my power as DM ) I introduced him to a very obvious quest-giver NPC. His first reaction was to stab the NPC and flee the cops from the city, planning to life as a renagade.

Edit: Oh, and there was an incident during a space based RPG where the same friend was on a ship about to be attacked.

Him: I go into the engine room.
Me: Various consoles flicker, it all looks very complicated (ect. ect.)
Him: Can I blow it up?
Me: Huh?
Him: Blow up the ship?
Me: What? Why?
Him: Can I blow it up?
Me: But you'll die!
Him: Can. I. Blow. Up. The. Ship?
Me: Well, since I presume there are safety checks about this kind of thing, then sure, but it won't be easy.
Him:[Rolls dice, fails] Damn, can I try again?
Me: Well you could, but unfortunately the pirates have arrived.
Him: I lock the door and try again.
Me: Fine, don't bother rolling, you win, you win the goddam game, reroll your character.

 

[Kotaro]

We had a gnome scout sneaking into a room full of goblins. After a few rounds of highly successful stealth, our psion just runs into the room and yells "There is a gnome among you!" I don't think I need to say what happened next.

Another story, this one told by our DM about another old group of his:
The party was investigating the sewers, trying to find and kill some monster that was killing people. They found it, and the sorcerer decided to try diplomacy to get it to leave the city. He was succeeding, until the fighter asked "Are you the guy we were sent to kill?" After a sigh and a facepalm, the DM simply said "Roll initiative..."

 

[Kotaro]

Oh, another story. This one's not that funny per se, just a Crowning Moment of Awesome.
We were lying in wait on the roof of a building, waiting for the bad guys to return to the village to kidnap more people, so we could follow them to their lair. When they pulled up with an enormous cart filled with alchemist's fire, and started burning buildings down, our monk snapped. He ran across the roof, leaped about fifty feet, and slammed his elbows into one of the villains. He hit the poor bastard so hard that his bones burst out the other side (instant death by massive damage). I followed this up with a fireball directed toward the cart of alchemist's fire. The resulting explosion took out all of the remaining foes... and most of our monk's hit points. And a few more buildings.

 

[CM156_v1legacy]

That actually cause me to laugh out loud.

Glad to hear that.

Here's what I've got


So here?s what my group consisted of
Me: I was a newbie DM, who?d actually never played DnD. I took liberties with the 3.5 ruleset
My brother (Joshua): He was an Aasimar Monk, Lawful Neutral. Like most Monks, he ended up overpowered near the end. He was trained in Diplomacy
Andrew: My best friend was a Moon Elf Sorcerer, Chaotic Good. He was an Evocation specialist, and could really hit hard with elemental damage spells. He was the one trained in Bluff
Kevin: He was a Human Paladin, Lawful Good. He used a Katana as his main smiting weapon.
Ellis: He was a Human Wizard who rolled up some really good stats (Three 16s, two 17s, and one 18), and became a Generalist who became an Elderich Knight. He was Lawful Good
David: He was a Human Cleric and a healer. He was Neutral Good. He didn?t do much, and he took exotic weapons early on. Again, nothing really happened funny with him
Jessie: Jessie was a Half-Elf Figher. He was Lawful Good, and became a Weapon Master with a Bastard Sword. The player is the brother of Jerod, and their characters are half brothers
Jerod: Was a Wood Elf Ranger who was Chaotic Neutral. We made up a prestige class for him, which allowed him to prepare magic arrows like a wizard
John: He was a Tiefling Barbarian/Frenzied Berserker. He was true Neutral. He liked to smash things, but he was smarter than most barbarians are (Int of 15)

So they were fighting a Lich who was a Bard, who spoke in Rhyme. For example, he said ?I pull a flue from my bag of loot? or other silly things like that. The ranger shot at him and said ?I let an arrow fly, in the sky, right into his eye?. It was a hit.

Another time, they were searching through a crypt, and they opened a door. In the center were two evil looking people, and a dwarf wearing black armor, and holding a black weapon (They were a blackguard). They had also summoned a devil in the room
Combat ensued, and Kevin wanted to use Smite Evil on the Dwarf
Kevin: I use Smite Evil
Jessie: Wait! How do we know she?s evil?
Joshua: They?re in a crypt, full of undead. She?s wearing black armor, and she summoned a Devil. I think it?s a safe bet. Just a guess though.

They were fighting a group of bandits, and Andrew won inative. He got into position and cast Prismatic Spray
Andrew: ?TASTE THE RAINBOW, MOTHERF*****R!?

They fought their way through the mountains, and made it to the Orc chieftain. By a very lucky bluff roll, they managed to convince the entire tribe to kill themselves as an act of redemption.

That?s all I can remember right now

 

[CiferForLiberty]

Okay, so my very first time I played D&D, me and my friends did a basic game. I played a half-elf ranger, one played an elf wizard, dwarf warrior, etc etc. Well, the adventure was basic too. Save fat guy from goblins. Easy enough. We go into the cave, kill the fuck out of the goblins, come out with fat guy. He rewards us with a mule. Me, not knowing the worth of the mule, asks "is that it?" My DM told me it was really good loot for us. But I had none of it. So I dragged the fat guy into a nearby alley and killed him, and then stuffed him into a barrel.

 

[sanji9111]

As a Dungeon Master, I had to witness one of the worst ideas in tabletop history.
I had a friend who was very low on health and after his ally's next action, he would be attacked against. Naturally he begged for help from his ally who was an archer.
"I want to try something..." the archer said, "I want to tie a healing potion to an arrow and shoot it at the enemy. While the arrow/potion is flying, the potion will fall off and heal my friend and still damage the enemy."
Needless to say, not only did it not work (because I wouldn't allow it) but we had huge argument afterwards.

 

[chris11246]

Well the two I have were told to me by my DM

So one time in a game he was playing, one of the people apparently didnt know what a gazebo was and rolled to look around and the DM says,
"You see a gazebo in the distance." To which he replies,
"What does it look like... Is it an aggressive gazebo?"
DM:"It looks like a gazebo...".
Guy:"I... shoot the gazebo with an arrow" and rolls
DM:"Ok you hit the gazebo"
Guy:"How much damage did I do?"
DM:"None its a gazebo"
Guy:"uhh... I run at it and attack it with my sword." and rolls
DM:"You hit the gazebo again."
Guy:"How much damage did I do?"
DM:"None its a gazebo."
Guy:"Uhh, I run"

I can only imagine how hard it must have been for the rest of the party to not crack up during that.

Also apparently in a game where two parties interacted with each other indirectly, ie they were both in the same world but they couldn't meet because it would be too complicated. One of the parties managed to kill the other with a rumor.

The one party spread a rumor around about a magic head, which I forget what they called it, that when you cut your head off and put it on it gives you great strength and various powers. Well the other party heard about that when they got to the town and decided to check it out. They fight their way through a dungeon and when they find the head they pick someone to try it on, cut off their head, and put the head on. Well it doesn't work so they think they did it wrong and try again. Well that doesnt work either and they keep trying till only one guy is left. The DM thought that would be the end of it, because surely a person cant cut their own head off, but the last man was a druid who summons a creature to cut his head off and try it. It ends up not working obviously and the entire party was killed by a rumor the other party left.

 

[robotic reaper]

I had my first campaign a week ago with my older sister and her friends. My sister wrote the campaign and we had to kill the bastard child of the queen. the party began by going to the bar and asking how to get to the meth cave where the bastard child was hiding but before beginning I took the liberty of kicking a gnome waiter out the window into the donkey troff splattering the troff mix into the face of the ranger who was trying to pick up chicks. The ranger then began to try and drown the gnome and failed. the gnome then ran off into the forrest, I chased the gnome and tackled him and hogtied him and tried to make a gnome mace but failed because he had a allergic reaction to the wood in the forrest and became swollen. at the same time my fighter went skinny dipping so I stole all his equipment and made a +5 swollen gnome mace. and by the end the ranger was the king the fighter had a pet dragon and I had enslaved all the gnomes to mine the meth within the meth labs. It was a fun night

 

[Gamblerjoe]

I love telling this one...

To start I made my "Samurai Jack" build, which was a ftr/mnk/pal. My friend started an anthropomorphic animal (half man, half animal) game using the 3.0 savage species book. When I was done making my character (half cheetah), I look at what my other friend made. He took the most broken template (baleen whale) and used it to make a monk/ur priest. Since he is the brattiest 35 year old you will ever meet, this was now an evil campaign. I scrapped my character and make the same thing, but swapped blackguard for paladin. I now call the builds "good jack" and "evil jack". Since my original character was fleshed out, the DM took him and make him part of the game.

Fast forward to the middle of the campaign. We each have 2 characters. My other character was a rat rog/assassin. No str whatsoever. He stood about 2.5 feet tall and used an exotic bow about 5 feet long. We are helping a group of Yugoloth invade the beastlands, and part of this entailed getting one elected mayor of this town. We went around lobbying for him, and taking note of anyone who avidly opposed him. We decided that making an example of a powerful family would seal the deal.

The sneaky characters snuck in through a window to silently assassinate everyone, while the more brutish characters waited outside the front door, just in case. This is where it gets really really evil. My ratsasin was slitting throats, and eventually came upon the room where the children slept. He didnt think twice. He killed one in its sleep, and the other one woke up, needing a glass of water or something. It turns out that this character sucks in melee. Being anthropomorphic tigers, they had racial hit dice and a decent amount of hit points. My rat was doing 1d3-1 with his dagger, so the next few minutes played out like a grim Benny Hill sketch. The ensuing ruckus attracted the guards, and an all out melee ensued, which made the brutes quite happy that they got to participate.

The really funny part is that the guy who forced us to play an evil party was appalled that I was killing children. Go figure.

 

[chris11246]

A friend of mine related a story to me of one of his adventures.

DM: You enter the room and see a gazebo sitting in the center.
Player: Does it notice us?
DM: No...it's a gazebo.
Player: I walk up a bit closer. Does it notice me?
DM: No, it's a gazebo.
Player: I move up next to it. Does it notice me?
DM: No, it's a ****ing gazebo!
Player: I stab it with my sword, does it notice me?
DM: *facepalm* Yes, it notices you. The Great Gazebo Gods bring it to life and it crushes you. Roll a level one character.

Either this is a well known story or you know my DM cuz thats pretty much what he told me happened to a friend of his.

 

[Gamblerjoe]

Well the two I have were told to me by my DM

So one time in a game he was playing, one of the people apparently didnt know what a gazebo was and rolled to look around and the DM says,
"You see a gazebo in the distance." To which he replies,
"What does it look like... Is it an aggressive gazebo?"
DM:"It looks like a gazebo...".
Guy:"I... shoot the gazebo with an arrow" and rolls
DM:"Ok you hit the gazebo"
Guy:"How much damage did I do?"
DM:"None its a gazebo"
Guy:"uhh... I run at it and attack it with my sword." and rolls
DM:"You hit the gazebo again."
Guy:"How much damage did I do?"
DM:"None its a gazebo."
Guy:"Uhh, I run"

I can only imagine how hard it must have been for the rest of the party to not crack up during that.

In munchkin you can fight a gazebo. Actually you can fight one in DnD too. Inanimate objects all have HP and harness based on whatever material they are made out of. Thats how you handle breaking down doors and walls, as well as sunder attempts. If the DM is nice, they will allow construct bane weapons to work on them. Also, cannons (if they exist) can crit objects.