Archived.

[Iron Mal]

Hey everyone,

So, I need a bit of "advice" here, since I'm in a bit of a weird spot. I have been chatting to my current long-distance boyfriend for around 4 years now. We used to live in the same country and played WoW together for 2 years before meeting up in 2008. I then moved to the US shortly after and decided to stop speaking to each other. This past January, a friendly spammer hacks my email account and sends an email out to his old email address. He replies, and we hit it off again, only this time I'm now 5,000 miles away.

So, it's been almost a year that we've been speaking to each other online, which is difficult because of the time difference. The time difference gets worse when I move to San Diego for reasons out of my control. I offered to move to England (where he lives), but he kind of gives me a weird, shifty, non-nonchalant attitude about it, so I decide against it. We had also gone through a very life-changing, serious event together. Another thing I found strange was his reluctance to state our relationship on Facebook (it was always at my insistence). He was also reluctant to tell friends about us as well. In any case, things were going "okay" until I found out that he lied to me about something small. Okay, no big deal. This then opens up many other "smaller" lies as well, such as where he had actually been instead of where he said he was going. Sure, I like to give people space and privacy, but why would he have to lie to me about it? Smaller, other lies start spilling out, and I start to question everything. He assures me that I'm "overreacting" and I'm making a bigger deal of it than it is. I then give him even more space. He starts to act more and more distantly; going out with his friends more, rarely emailing me (unless I insisted on it), going Invisible on various chat programs and never contacting me, etc. I then start to feel lonely and ignored. I've always been a supportive and comforting girlfriend, but he rarely acknowledges or appreciates it. I'm also very attractive, and have turned down quite a few men while dating my boyfriend.

So what I'm wondering is, should I dump him? Feel free to ask any questions.

I can say that I sympathise with your position (me and my girlfriend have been together for two years, she's in Canada and I'm in the UK and most of it has been online) but by the same token I would say don't do anything too severe until you know for certain that he's doing something wrong (I understand being upset with him for lying but it does need to be remembered that everyone lies at some point and for him it might have been a 'lesser of two evils' thing, I don't know enough about the situation to comment further).

This doesn't mean just be silent and grit your teeth through it though, if you're unhappy with something in your relationship then be open and frank with him about it (although I'd try to keep it matter of fact and stick to the point, it's tempting to want to elaborate on how upset something has made you but this can sometimes distract you away from the process of trying to resolve an issue).

His activities do sound suspicious but it is always important to remember the old axiom of 'cock-up before conspiracy' (or 'never attribute to malice that which can be explained through stupidity'), it is entirely possible that there is a reasonable explanation for his actions and that it's just an unfortuneate misunderstanding.

Based on most of the things you've said I have a feeling that you suspect that he's seeing someone behind your back (correct me if I'm wrong on that) in which case how your relationship shoud continue is something you probably already know by now, you either trust him (in which case you're probably willing to wait this rough patch out until things are back to normal) or you don't (in which case you're already thinking of leaving him and probably should).

In any case, I hope that regardless of what you choose to do things turn out well for you and that the future improves for you.

 

[XSin]

No offence intended but it doesn't sound like theres much of a relationship to break up anyway if you guys are growing apart like it sounds. I'd say just drop the whole thing before it gets more messy and confusing.

 

[DreamaSkylar]

His activities do sound suspicious but it is always important to remember the old axiom of 'cock-up before conspiracy' (or 'never attribute to malice that which can be explained through stupidity'), it is entirely possible that there is a reasonable explanation for his actions and that it's just an unfortuneate misunderstanding.

This is interesting. I guess I never realized that maybe there's a possibility that he was being stupid and thought that lying to be would somehow be a "lesser evil" and that maybe he was afraid of losing me. (He told me that I'm his first relationship.) But I would think that an adult male would be intelligent enough to figure out that lying is a bad thing to do to someone that you care about.

I keep thinking if he is cheating on me, wouldn't it be easy to just break up with me since I'm so far away? Is he really that much of a coward that he wouldn't just tell me? Is he not breaking up with me because he's afraid of what will happen to me? (Last time we broke up, I took it pretty hard and ended up in the hospital) Does he stay because of the life-changing event that happened?

At this point in time, we're still speaking to each other, but things are pretty bad. Since around Christmas, we've been arguing almost every single day. Emotions have run pretty high during them, and while I feel like the "easy" way out would be to just leave, I keep thinking that his inexperience may be the cause. But would that seem a bit naive to think that way? I shouldn't feel confused over this, but my feelings right now are that I don't want to end it forever. This isn't because I couldn't easily find someone else, but it's simply because I feel like given a change of factors (maybe the distance not being an issue, we lived near each other, etc.) this could actually be a really rewarding relationship.

Any thoughts?

In any case, I hope that regardless of what you choose to do things turn out well for you and that the future improves for you.

Thanks Iron Mal.

 

[DuX1112]

I then moved to the US shortly after and decided to stop speaking to each other.

In all fairness, no one ever mentioned this. DreamaSkylar, I'll be playing the guy's attourney a bit now.

First, is it you that decided that you should stop speaking to eachother, or did you both decide?

If you decided, then the guy might have some very good reasons to feel uncertain at best. He hasn't seen you in years, you decide not to talk to him any more and this sort of pause lasted like, how much? A year, two years? And then the hacked email gets you two back in touch. Imagine that in the time when you weren't communicating the guy probably didn't have it easy for him and was probably trying to get you out of his head or forget you. Maybe he even started liking another girl, I don't know, but for one - you seem terribly uninformed about what he's up to, and this is (I have to say) partly your fault. Why not ask him? If he seems shifty or uncertain, why not talk about why is that so? Why not talk about why he finds being as listed in a relationship on Facebook not his primary choice? All you do is supposing things. What if he tried to get over you, and partially did, but lo behold he returned an email out of kindness believing you were over him too (after so much time), and he found himself in a situation where he didn't really want to be? Although he was probably also going through the dilemmas you're going now, asking himself: what if she's cheating on me? What if she's not sincere? What if she's just lonely? What if I'm keeping her away from better things out there? And so on.

Please note that what I wrote above would still hold water even if you both decided not to talk to each other. Deciding not to communicate in 2008, then restarting this January, that's almost 3 (three!) years of silence! People change. Heck, I know people that fall in and out of love in the space of two months.

As for the "lying" part, I've been in a situation where a person has lied about her feelings, OR concealed them or rationalized them. Which resulted in me losing my trust in her. But in afterthought, she was just trying to protect me and protect herself and believed she was doing the right thing, and the best thing for both of us. As far fetched and naive that may seem (and essentially not THE right thing ultimately), I cannot but understand why she did what she did. I understand. We're all human and we all make mistakes. Two months later I found myself in the opposite situation: I was suppressing how I felt and tried to be a "better" person. Which was an act, and another thing I learned - I was already a good person.

Long story short, my advice to you is: talk with the guy. Sincerely, openly - share your worries, ask him your questions, tell him how you feel. And if you're already suspecting him for not loving you, ask yourself too: do you love him?

All the best...

 

[Mekado]

This sounds to me he decided to let it die out rather than man up and tell you straight.

Long-distance relationships are always hard and rarely successful in my experience...

When doubts (more than doubts according to you) starts to crop up (lies,avoidance,etc) it's definitely the beginning of the end, i'd say cut your losses asap.


My 2 cents

 

[DreamaSkylar]

I've decided to take the high-road and end it.

I honestly don't know what goes on in some people's minds. Thank you all for your helpful advice on this. I've decided to end it and keep my sanity intact. I'm not really angry, I'm just really saddened and disappointed. I feel like I wasted a year of my life.

If there are any nerds/geeks out there in the San Diego area who want to make a new friend, please feel free to PM me.

 

[DreamaSkylar]

P.S. I think the people who said that he was just too afraid of breaking it off were right.

 

[Angie7F]

Yeah, no experience is waste unless you let it be.
If you can say that you learnt your lesson and make use if what you learnt going forward, then that way you are much smarter than you used to be.

Any how, I agree with most people here and think that you should dump him.
He is probably embarrassed of the online relationship, but doesn't have the guts to cut you off completely and be single.

I have a teacher who has a long distance relationship between Tokyo and Canada, and seems they are getting along fine.
Their lovey dovey ness makes me smile every time I see their posts on Facebook.

Did you ever read "he is just not that into you" or whatever the title was?
I know it's lame, but the concept is an eye opener.
Cuz most of the times you know you should break up and move on but you just don't have the final push for out to put it into action.
This book usually does that for you.

Anyways, sorry for the girl talk guys

 

[A Weary Exile]

Your first post, but you didn't join today, and grammar's pretty good... I'll bite.

He's lied to you, won't acknowledge the relationship, and constantly grows more distant. I feel like the obvious choice is to break up.

Uh, yeah. Seems pretty cut-and-dry.

OT: Dump him. Find a better guy, someone closer who isn't ashamed of what you have and won't lie to you.

 

[Takoshake]

I'm really glad I read this. The almost exact situation happened with me and my girl fiend. She acted just like your boy friend, we had this sort of distance from each other but it was nothing like yours. We lived about an hour away but she just stopped communicating and I could never her get her to see me.

Well she ended it but I wasn't on planning of letting it continue much longer. I think in the end it is better to move on then force someone to be with you who doesn't know what they want.

Good luck to you and don't give up on finding someone. Lack of communication and distance seem to never work.

 

[CaptOfSerenity]

This relationship is over. If it's so weird to him as that he doesn't want to acknowledge it, then he doesn't want to be with you, at least not over long distance, and he sounds like that's weird to him, too. Live your life in the States, or wherever you feel you should be and try to find someone else. You'll be glad you did.