Are people naturally antisocial?

[ImBigBob]

This is something that's been pretty on my mind lately. Basically, I feel that the vast majority of the people I call friends are antisocial. Why do I say that? Because I never find myself able to hang out, or even talk to people outside my 2 closest friends. This might have a problem with most of my social interactions coming through Facebook, but I feel like everyone I know is constantly busy with work, school, family, etc. Normally I would be fine with this, but how come they're ALWAYS busy when I ask if they want to do something, and worse, how come they never say "Sorry I'm busy this time, but I'll be free next week. Let's do something then"? Outside of my two closest friends, nobody ever initiates contact with me.

They claim that because I'm more introverted, then I attract introverted people. But still, how come I still feel like I'm one of the most outgoing people I know? I've been told by people outside my social circle that I'm funny, smart, and interesting, yet I feel like I just repel others. Nobody says "Yes" when I ask if they want to see the latest movie, and nobody wants to go grab lunch and just have a conversation. They're all just busy. Am I unlikeable, or are all the people I know just that socially awkward? Never in my life have I been so busy that I couldn't even spare a few hours a week for someone. Then again, people never ask that of me.

 

[Chasing-The-Light]

I don't think people are naturally antisocial. Quite the opposite, I think people are naturally very social. People naturally want to be around others, and want to both see and interact with them.

However, that's not to say I don't think people are becoming a bit more introverted because of newer technological advances. A perfect example is myself. I would much rather send a message to someone via texting, or facebook than call someone up. I'm actually /REALLY/ afraid of the phone, to the point where just yesterday it came down between calling someone to help my sick girlfriend, or not call and spare myself the anxiety attack...

Anyway, this being said, I don't think that's much of a good thing for us at all. I think that separates from others to an unhealthy level. Or if it's not already, then it will be in the future...

It could just be your circle of friends who are more introverted than others. Perhaps you should broaden your horizon of friends... I don't see any reason that they couldn't spare you an hour or two to hang out with a friend.

Sorry for my huge ramble, there... ^^;

 

[Erana]

Never in my life have I been so busy that I couldn't even spare a few hours a week for someone. Then again, people never ask that of me.

You have to work at relationships, my mother always says. You have to be the one to arrange the get-together and remind people about it. You have to be the one who calls every week or so to keep up the relationship. You have to be the one to remember birthdays and the likes. You have to find the time and place that they are available, sadly.

I wouldn't say that people are naturally antisocial, I'd say we more have a tendency to be self-centered flakes. Don't take it personally- chances are they simply aren't the least bit aware of how you feel and mean nothing by their behavior.

 

[Talal Provides]

If we were, we would have all starved to death or been eaten by various predators many millennia ago. Our social nature and ability to communicate, empathize and cooperate is all our species has, really.

 

[Esotera]

Humans are very social creatures. Look at the whole tourism industry, and restaurants. It's very clear that we like doing things together.

I think introverts do have more introverted friends, just because it's very hard for an extrovert to understand how they feel. Having a select group of friends isn't a bad thing.

 

[ImBigBob]

There's one specific event that happened a few weeks ago that's weighed on my mind heavily, and makes me feel like I'm completely invisible.

I was attending a game industry event with some friends, and this was at a party of sorts after all the presentations. I was with a good friend, and someone he had introduced to me. At the party, we met a husband and wife that knew my friend's friend. We were all introduced to each other. Then, the two of them start getting into incredibly deep conversations with the two people I was with, and absolutely nobody even acknowledged I was standing there. I kept listening and looking for an opportunity to get myself into the conversation, but heard nothing. After ten minutes of just standing there awkwardly, I headed off to get a drink, because clearly that was a better use of my time.

When I tell people that, they just tell me I should be more assertive. Then I ask them what they would have done in that situation, and they have no idea. Thanks a lot for that generic advice. If I had completely derailed the conversation in order to include myself, that would have seemed rude as hell. Whenever I'm with a group of people and I notice someone isn't included in the conversation, I ALWAYS go out of my way to include that person. Do I really think that differently from others?

 

[nunqual]

According to Kant, yes. However, I think he was talking out of his ass. I tend to agree more with Freud, saying that we are quite the opposite.

 

[Lexxi64]

It's kinda a difficult topic for me to understand, the whole "antisocial" thing. People I know moan about not being included, and never suggest to do anything with others, just wait for other people to ask. And when they are asked? They turn down the opportunity, or act like a completely boring fool and try and go home. To have a rant about how bad their day was.
I guess you've just gotta keep trying, see what happens, and if nobody includes you?...well, either find other people to be with (I know, it's easy enough for me to say) or make it known that you don't like being left out. Bitching about it isn't gonna help much, but if you just politely make it known to people when you're alone with them that they leave you out sometimes, maybe they'll try and do something about it.
I can't be much help, I'm in the same situation as you--my friends are really annoying, they just stay at home or go out with their family, or act really weird around me on certain days, and completely ignore me. I then get in a mood and not speak to them for awhile.
To be honest I give up trying to invite people anywhere when all they do is decline, but there you go...

 

[Falconsgyre]

There's one specific event that happened a few weeks ago that's weighed on my mind heavily, and makes me feel like I'm completely invisible.

I was attending a game industry event with some friends, and this was at a party of sorts after all the presentations. I was with a good friend, and someone he had introduced to me. At the party, we met a husband and wife that knew my friend's friend. We were all introduced to each other. Then, the two of them start getting into incredibly deep conversations with the two people I was with, and absolutely nobody even acknowledged I was standing there. I kept listening and looking for an opportunity to get myself into the conversation, but heard nothing. After ten minutes of just standing there awkwardly, I headed off to get a drink, because clearly that was a better use of my time.

When I tell people that, they just tell me I should be more assertive. Then I ask them what they would have done in that situation, and they have no idea. Thanks a lot for that generic advice. If I had completely derailed the conversation in order to include myself, that would have seemed rude as hell. Whenever I'm with a group of people and I notice someone isn't included in the conversation, I ALWAYS go out of my way to include that person. Do I really think that differently from others?

Okay, here's a specific piece of advice on how to work your way into a conversation without being rude: ask about the people already talking. Then start moving forward just a little bit, and expand the little circle people stand in to include you. I don't think most people will specifically go out of their way to include people in conversations, so say something and make yourself seem interesting.

The other thing, though, is that you said you listened for about 10 minutes without finding an opening. Maybe the conversation just didn't really interest you? In that case, why bother getting involved?

 

[Uncleblaze]

well no one wants to talk to some one if they are an ass about everything. sorry if that sounds hurtful. but you cant make people do what you want if they get no pleasure out of doing it with you.