Are Relationships Hard Work?

[manic_depressive13]

I'm sure this is a sentiment everyone has heard. However, upon elaboration, the "hard work" seems to consist of being caring towards your partner, considerate of their feelings, and basically trying to give something back. It seems really strange to me to call that hard work, because when you care about someone you do those things anyway. Of course everyone can be selfish or thoughtless at times, but still, I wouldn't call refraining from that "work".

Do you think it's weird to say relationships are hard work? Do you think they are?

 

[veloper]

Maybe they mean keeping a relationship together when it no longer sticks naturally, is the hard work.
People trying to change their partners' ways while neglecting stuff they wanted to do themselves, as a sort of compromise - shit like that.

 

[baddude1337]

Me and my girlfriend are pretty much the exact same person and are interests, likes and personalities are the same, so there is no 'hard work' there. I think this stems more from people who are polar opposites or not really well matched in their likes and interests. As was the case with my ex, where it did feel like very much like that and the relationship was a strain more than anything else.

Sure, relationships have moments that are hard work, but if the whole relationship is considered a slog by one or both of you, then you probably need to have a good think about the future.

 

[Zhukov]

"Work" isn't quite the word, but they sure as hell require effort.

I am a generally taciturn, secretive, inexpressive and even somewhat egocentric person. In order to be a good partner I have to make a concerted effort to be open, honest and communicative, all things that are rather contrary to my nature. That can be a lot easier said than done.

For example, I couldn't even begin to count the number of times I've caught myself about to automatically tell some immediately convenient but ultimately harmful little lie. It's a hard habit to break.

As someone who values free time and time alone I have to resist the urge to think of relationship stuff as an imposition on my time.

As someone with a truly foul temper I have to keep that in check and, when arguments do happen, I have to resist the urge to 'go for the throat' by picking on my partner's sore spots.

The list goes on. I presume that people of different personality and disposition to myself have to make their efforts to make.

 

[Phasmal]

"Work" isn't quite the word, but they sure as hell require effort.

I am a generally taciturn, secretive, inexpressive and even somewhat egocentric person. In order to be a good partner I have to make a concerted effort to be open, honest and communicative, all things that are rather contrary to my nature. That can be a lot easier said than done.

For example, I couldn't even begin to count the number of times I've caught myself about to automatically tell some immediately convenient but ultimately harmful little lie. It's a hard habit to break.

Yeah, I'm gonna back this. Relationships take effort, which some people may say is 'work'.

Early relationships may be all goo-goo-eyes all the time but once you get past that - nobody is perfect. It's easy to take things for granted, and as you get further in you and your partner may face a lot of shit together which can add to tension.
In a way, it's both easy and difficult once you decide you're in it for the long haul. It's hard to describe, I suppose.

I think it's a rather damaging myth that once you find the right person a relationship will be easy forever. That's just not true.

Just to double-check we were on the same page about this, I asked Boyfriend the question as well, he replied, in a dead-inside voice: No, they're the easiest thing in the fucking world. Just buy chocolate occasionally and then you win.

 

[FalloutJack]

The hard work in question probably relates to two things: Stress and money. Your partner has varied moods, and probably says or does things that don't immediately make sense to you or worry you at times. Some of them may limit your patience or even get you mad. The fact that you love this person is what makes that strenuous, at times, because you're trying to keep things in line. The money problem is, of course, your desire to please your significant other with a certain cashflow. Money's gotta come from somewhere, namely your hard work. So, it can seem like hard work, and not necessarily for bad reasons, but it can also be totally worth it.

 

[Bilious Green_v1legacy]

Being in a relationship is a lot like playing an MMO - there is a lot of busy work, you're constantly rep grinding, and if you miss raid night too often, you may get kicked out of your guild.

 

[Glongpre]

I don't think hard work is the right way to describe it. That seems to me to be something somebody would say who is in a relationship that isn't a good fit, so they have to work to stay together, like they are resisting the truth.

I would say they are more emotionally taxing. You worry, you stress, you resist feeling jealousy. You feel guilt for not doing something, or for doing it. It is not really a physical thing, which is what I immediately think of when I read hard work. It is all mental, all emotions and that fun stuff!

 

[RJ 17]

When you enter into a relationship with someone - presumably with the assumption that you're going to be together for the rest of your lives - there are various things that occur. For one: you're not longer the central figure of your life, you'll have to change your ways and kick old habits in order to make things work. This is because once you enter into a long-term relationship (particularly when you begin living with your partner) you get to know them on a very deep and intimate basis.

This is when the "Best Friend Roommate" scenario begins to kick in. By that, I mean there's a reason it's not a good idea to be roommates with your best friend. Sure, it's nice to hang out with them and have fun from time to time......but now you're living with them. You'll start to notice little things about them that rub you the wrong way. You'll tell yourself that it's not a big deal and just let it slide, but that keeps piling up. Finally you'll explode one day and get into a big argument in which both of you list off your grievances towards each other.

It's similar in a relationship. You're now living with your partner. It was all unicorns farting rainbows when you were just meeting up and going on dates, but now you'll start to notice all the little things about your partner that rub you the wrong way...simply because they're different than the things you're accustomed to.

And that brings us to the "work" (or as Zhukov stated: "effort") that is involved with a relationship. You've got to be able to move past those small grievances if you want things to work out with you and your partner. If you're not willing to put in the effort and step outside of your comfort zone of always doing things the way that you've always done them, then the relationship isn't going to work out.

 

[Pyrian]

Is going up a hundred stairs hard work? That depends, how in shape are you? Some people find relationships to be way more difficult than other people.

 

[Silentpony_v1legacy]

My experience, and yes my friends, I have had person-to-person conversations and relationships before, is that they're way more trouble than they're worth.
Just get a fuck buddy, a movie buddy, a tabletop buddy, a drinking buddy, etc...really compartmentalize your relationships. It just makes things SO easy.

 

[mduncan50]

I don't think "hard work" is supposed to evoke images of crushing rocks on the chain gang or something, but more along the lines of tending a garden. Creating something beautiful through the consistent care and nurturing, and the more you put into it, the more you get out.

 

[Zen Bard]

"Work" isn't quite the word, but they sure as hell require effort.

I think this is the a more accurate description.

Quite a few people seem to feel that once they've found "the one", it's all fairy tales and moonbeams after that.

The truth is, maintaining a relationship takes some effort because it's all one giant negotiation.

And that's not a bad thing.

For instance I am, by all clinical definitions, an introvert. My wife, however, is an extrovert. She likes to chill with loud music, I like quiet. So, as a compromise, she grabs her iPod, puts on her headset and jams out to her little heart's content while I sit in another room and read or play guitar.

The cool thing is how this evolved organically. I never told her to turn the music down and she never banished me to the other room. We just took the time to understand each other and get a feel for what the other person needed.

 

[Fappy]

How much effort or "work" it requires really depends on the personalities on the individuals and how compatible they are. The more your personalities clash the harder it will be to maintain a happy equilibrium in your relationship. That said, even if you're "perfect" matches, you will still need to compromise from time to time.

 

[CrimsonBlaze]

No relationship is perfect, and there are certainly times when you feel like bailing because things are not going the way you thought they would, but really, whether you do something out of spontaneous passion or because it feels like "work" that needs to be done, is entirely up you.

If something feels like a hassle that you don't want really want to do, despite it feeling like something that you have to do, maybe you need to either re-evaluate the relationship you're in or start planning a future without this relationship.

 

[Lightknight]

Is going up a hundred stairs hard work? That depends, how in shape are you? Some people find relationships to be way more difficult than other people.

This.

Not only that but the degree to which you can be yourself and the other person be happy with that (and vice versa) changes the metrics greatly.

Lastly, and perhaps the most cynical observation of all, how much you care has a great impact. For example, if the relationship sucks but you don't care, it's easy. If you do care, it's hard. If the relationship is wonderful and you don't care, it's still easy but if you care here instead the relationship is more rewarding and not necessarily hard even though you're going to put effort into it.

 

[Cold Shiny]

HECK YEAH THEY'RE HARD!!!

That's why I spend my time on much more worthy things, like candy and video games.

 

[Adam Jensen_v1legacy]

It depends on compatibility levels and countless other things. My gf and I enjoy the exact same shit so we never have to argue about anything, instead we have conversations about things and we learn each others perspectives which enriches our own.

 

[MysticSlayer]

I've never been in a relationship, so I can't say anything from personal experience. However, looking at those I know who are in a relationship, I would probably find it very hard. Maybe not "work", as I don't see how any of it is actual "work". But at the same time, the level of communication and gesturing (not saying that in a bad way) I see tends to be far different than my personality, so I'd imagine anyone for whom it doesn't come naturally yet wants to be in a relationship will find it hard and almost feel like work at the time.

Then again, I'd imagine any case where someone has to be someone they're not would make the relationship hard. Some people may just go ahead and find a relationship they can be themselves in. However, I'd imagine for some people, it becomes hard to find someone both interested in a relationship and is OK with their "why would I want to text you ever day?" personality, so they may just take what they can get.

 

[Evil Moo]

I've never been in a relationship, so I can't say anything from personal experience. However, looking at those I know who are in a relationship, I would probably find it very hard. Maybe not "work", as I don't see how any of it is actual "work". But at the same time, the level of communication and gesturing (not saying that in a bad way) I see tends to be far different than my personality, so I'd imagine anyone for whom it doesn't come naturally yet wants to be in a relationship will find it hard and almost feel like work at the time.

Then again, I'd imagine any case where someone has to be someone they're not would make the relationship hard. Some people may just go ahead and find a relationship they can be themselves in. However, I'd imagine for some people, it becomes hard to find someone both interested in a relationship and is OK with their "why would I want to text you ever day?" personality, so they may just take what they can get.

This feels very true for myself. I too have never been in a relationship. I'm the sort of person that mostly gets on fairly well in almost complete social isolation. To even open up the possibility of so much as entering a relationship, I would have to completely change my lifestyle such that it includes seeing other people, thus increasing my pool of prospective partners to something greater than zero, which I currently see as a huge amount of work.

A relationship isn't just going to fall into my lap while I sit in my room in the dark. I would need to work for it if I wanted one. And yeah, there doesn't seem to be many people who would be accustomed to dealing with someone as quiet and disposed to solitude as myself. Compromises are pretty much guaranteed to be necessary, and they don't come without some degree of strain.

Being as lazy as I am, I can't bring myself to try for something that will almost certainly be a source of stress, no matter how strong the desire for emotional and physical intimacy.