If being in a relationship doesn't make you happier than you were before (even if you were happy before) then you are doing it wrongSaneAmongInsane said:
Are you a "nice guy"?
- Thread starter pppppppppppppppppp
- Start date
Recommended Videos
This pretty much describes me, though being so unsuccessful with the ladies has made me a little bit bitter and misanthropic.
This is quite well put.Nurb said:
I just thought to share with everyone the story of how I broke out of the "nice guy" cycle.
I was a bit socially awkward, and it showed like hell. There was also a stereotypical "asshole" who took the piss out of me to make himself look big. But I did notice something: It was only me. He was so polite and so careful around certain people to varying degrees, and although when we were alone he acted like a proper friend, I was the only one he really demeaned. So I relaxed and slowly took steps to be more charismatic. The thing that really synched it though? I set myself a challenge as an act of fun daring, and to prove that this guy really was an utter pussy.
I started talking to girls more, started going out of my comfort zone, expanded my social circle and started going to parties, and inevitably this guy would try and put me down. My answer? The first time I saw him a day, I walked up to him and ***** slapped him every day for a year.
Oh god, this again?
Women (especially attractive, intelligent ones) like men who are strong, assertive and can stand up for themselves and their mate. Being nice tends to involve that condescending idea that being a sycophant wil cause women to drop their panties over the fact that you're listening to them.
Let's be honest, you "nice guys" are just trying to sleep with these women. Do you think that the girls you're talking to aren't AWARE of that fact? Condescending garbage. Be honest, direct and manly.
Women (especially attractive, intelligent ones) like men who are strong, assertive and can stand up for themselves and their mate. Being nice tends to involve that condescending idea that being a sycophant wil cause women to drop their panties over the fact that you're listening to them.
Let's be honest, you "nice guys" are just trying to sleep with these women. Do you think that the girls you're talking to aren't AWARE of that fact? Condescending garbage. Be honest, direct and manly.
I used to have anger problems, so I've never really liked provoking people, which has molded me sort off into a very careful person.
Because off this I'm often overly nice to people and out of 5 girls I've asked out, 4 of them said I was a nice guy and all that. Which I don't really see as a problem, sure it sucked that I was apparently to nice, but I really don't like being a jerk. And I did score with one of them!
I know that girls and occasionally guys 'use' me, which isn't that much of a problem, as long as it actually helps them in some way.
I guess I do count as a 'nice guy' and I'm perfectly fine with that, my only problem is that I often get overly worried about people I like and love, which can come of as clingy.
Please pardon my of/off mistakes if they are there.... For some reason I can't distinguish between them anymore.
Because off this I'm often overly nice to people and out of 5 girls I've asked out, 4 of them said I was a nice guy and all that. Which I don't really see as a problem, sure it sucked that I was apparently to nice, but I really don't like being a jerk. And I did score with one of them!
I know that girls and occasionally guys 'use' me, which isn't that much of a problem, as long as it actually helps them in some way.
I guess I do count as a 'nice guy' and I'm perfectly fine with that, my only problem is that I often get overly worried about people I like and love, which can come of as clingy.
Please pardon my of/off mistakes if they are there.... For some reason I can't distinguish between them anymore.
Yes. Luckily I don't really care. I'm just a nice guy and I don't care what happens otherwise. I'm not going to change to get the girls, I'll find someone who likes nice guys.
I'm no lothario, but there is one universal constant I have seen, that every girl I know finds attractive: Confidence.
Not the brash, chest-thumping bravado that your average loudmouth tool exhibits, but just being able to look at yourself and say, "This is me. It's who I am. Sure, it might not be perfect, but who is?" If you are comfortable in your own skin, and self-assured without being cocky, you will project a sense of calm assertiveness that a lot of women (not all, but a lot) will tune into and at least find appealing - enough to stick around for you to strike up a conversation anyway and wow them with your Star Wars knowledge/Nunchucks technique/freestyle disco dancing prowess.
It's not a magic bullet, but it opens up the possibility that you might be "Boyfriend material" rather than the rather awkward 'Eunuch' figure you are cutting at the moment, if you don't mind me saying.
Confident nice guys are a rare breed, and a good catch, as many guys mistake 'Nice' for 'Spineless.' A confident nice guy has the moral courage to do nice things for others without living for others or allowing themselves to be exploited. And they're not martyrs either. Learn to loosen up and go a bit crazy once in a while!
And how do you become confident? Simple. Act confident. Tell the world that you are a confident man with your body language, voice and actions. It's not easy, but if you keep it up, eventually you will find yourself being confident without needing to act.
Lesson over! For homework, read Rudyard Kipling's poem, "If" for a good primer on examples of confident and nice behaviour.
Cheers!
Not the brash, chest-thumping bravado that your average loudmouth tool exhibits, but just being able to look at yourself and say, "This is me. It's who I am. Sure, it might not be perfect, but who is?" If you are comfortable in your own skin, and self-assured without being cocky, you will project a sense of calm assertiveness that a lot of women (not all, but a lot) will tune into and at least find appealing - enough to stick around for you to strike up a conversation anyway and wow them with your Star Wars knowledge/Nunchucks technique/freestyle disco dancing prowess.
It's not a magic bullet, but it opens up the possibility that you might be "Boyfriend material" rather than the rather awkward 'Eunuch' figure you are cutting at the moment, if you don't mind me saying.
Confident nice guys are a rare breed, and a good catch, as many guys mistake 'Nice' for 'Spineless.' A confident nice guy has the moral courage to do nice things for others without living for others or allowing themselves to be exploited. And they're not martyrs either. Learn to loosen up and go a bit crazy once in a while!
And how do you become confident? Simple. Act confident. Tell the world that you are a confident man with your body language, voice and actions. It's not easy, but if you keep it up, eventually you will find yourself being confident without needing to act.
Lesson over! For homework, read Rudyard Kipling's poem, "If" for a good primer on examples of confident and nice behaviour.
Cheers!
Yea, I'd say I'm probably that kind of guy. The only differences are that I don't really have too many friends that are women, and all of them that I've asked out just turn me down flat out. None of that 'let's just be friends' crap. I don't know if that's better or worse...
Never been to a convention of that sort and would feel awkward going by myself (god i need rl gamer friends, my class is mostly mature students :\), but find it's an odd place to pickup.artanis_neravar said:
Aren't people there for the games rather then for meeting strangers?
I'd certainly feel sleazy if I start talking to a girl like I would in a club xD
See, the problem here is that "nice guys" tend to come in two broad categories.
The first is actually just a cowardly jerk. They're usually afraid to be rude or to say no, because they don't want to deal with the consequences of somebody ever being unhappy with them in any way, so they become complete pushovers. Because they're polite and help whenever asked though, everyone else is always calling them nice. They secretly know they're kind of selfish jerks though, so they eventually come to the conclusion that everyone else is even worse than they are. They become miserable, bitter shut-ins and are prone to feeling entitled to something in return for their niceness. After all, they think, if it's so unpleasant and everyone else is worse shouldn't they get something in return for all their work? This leads to statements like "Why can't I find a girlfriend, I'm such a nice guy?" As this gets worse it becomes more obvious to the people around the "nice guy" until nobody but he himself actually thinks he's nice anymore. This leads to an eventual martyr complex as, like I mentioned previously, he thinks everyone else is even more of a jerk than him.
The second kind of nice guy is someone who simply enjoys doing kind things with no expectation of any kind of karmic reward for it. Someone who is simply good for goodness sake.
OP, you seem to be in the early stages of type #1. I would advise you to embrace your inner jerk. It will make you a happier and an oddly far more likeable person as you stop being miserable and bitter. Hence the ridiculous stereotype of women liking jerks. And maybe one day when you get good at being a jerk you'll find that you're able to actually do nice things for people for the pure enjoyment of being nice without any expectation of reward. After all, the real answer very rarely lies in the extremes, but usually somewhere in the middle.
The first is actually just a cowardly jerk. They're usually afraid to be rude or to say no, because they don't want to deal with the consequences of somebody ever being unhappy with them in any way, so they become complete pushovers. Because they're polite and help whenever asked though, everyone else is always calling them nice. They secretly know they're kind of selfish jerks though, so they eventually come to the conclusion that everyone else is even worse than they are. They become miserable, bitter shut-ins and are prone to feeling entitled to something in return for their niceness. After all, they think, if it's so unpleasant and everyone else is worse shouldn't they get something in return for all their work? This leads to statements like "Why can't I find a girlfriend, I'm such a nice guy?" As this gets worse it becomes more obvious to the people around the "nice guy" until nobody but he himself actually thinks he's nice anymore. This leads to an eventual martyr complex as, like I mentioned previously, he thinks everyone else is even more of a jerk than him.
The second kind of nice guy is someone who simply enjoys doing kind things with no expectation of any kind of karmic reward for it. Someone who is simply good for goodness sake.
OP, you seem to be in the early stages of type #1. I would advise you to embrace your inner jerk. It will make you a happier and an oddly far more likeable person as you stop being miserable and bitter. Hence the ridiculous stereotype of women liking jerks. And maybe one day when you get good at being a jerk you'll find that you're able to actually do nice things for people for the pure enjoyment of being nice without any expectation of reward. After all, the real answer very rarely lies in the extremes, but usually somewhere in the middle.
I wouldn't try using pick up lines on them, but you never know where you will meet the right person, so why not go with what you findFrankster said:
I do notice a trend for girls to lean towards douche bags and that. I never understood why though. I consider myself a nice guy but then again I never had a girlfriend (partly because I'm just 17 and I've been in an all-boys school for quite a long while during my high school years), but just like OP I have a lot of friends who are girls (more then the average I'd say), some who seem to go out exclusively for douchebags. I won't act like an arsehole or a douchebag just so I can go out with girls, it won't work out anyways.
I used to be, but I wasn't interested in a relationship then. When I was, I didn't find it too hard to get a relationship.
I wasn't being a dick, I was being confident - I was a lot more cocky then than I am now, and I went out with practically every girl in my friendship-group in that period. Then I calmed down and I went a year without any sort of relationship because I had my confidence crushed. I got a little bit of that confidence back - what I think is a pretty healthy amount - and now I'm in a relationship again and it's going better than ever.
Women aren't turned off by men being nice - it's men being meek and not standing out that seems to be more of an issue.
I wasn't being a dick, I was being confident - I was a lot more cocky then than I am now, and I went out with practically every girl in my friendship-group in that period. Then I calmed down and I went a year without any sort of relationship because I had my confidence crushed. I got a little bit of that confidence back - what I think is a pretty healthy amount - and now I'm in a relationship again and it's going better than ever.
Women aren't turned off by men being nice - it's men being meek and not standing out that seems to be more of an issue.
I guess I'm sort of like that. I'm constantly aware and thinking about NOT being an ass or coming off as one, and I often try to. But as a result, I usually avoid most, if not all, social interactions because I'm afraid of sounding like an ass, and end up coming off as cold, rude, or maybe weird.
It's annoying because even though I know that, I can't get myself to act more "normal" or act like a normal polite person instead of one who tries to avoid every possible situation that might make me sound impolite.
It's annoying because even though I know that, I can't get myself to act more "normal" or act like a normal polite person instead of one who tries to avoid every possible situation that might make me sound impolite.
It makes far more sense to be who you are and not fake it.
If your naturally a nice guy, and I mean a polite, generally kind hearted person who takes an interest in other peoples needs and is helpful where they can be then keep being that guy. forcing yourself to be aloof and distant is a lot of effort and wont help you. be yourself and if people like you for who you are then you have a real shot at making a relationship work. no one wants to date someone who comes across in one way but then drops the act and is completely different.
also calm down on trying to date EVERY girl. I know dozens of girls who are attractive and that i get on very well with but it just isn't going to happen, learn to pick your battles and accept that you can have a hundred friends but only 1 girlfriend. your girlfriend should be your best friend but all those others girls can still be a big part of your life in a platonic way.
If your naturally a nice guy, and I mean a polite, generally kind hearted person who takes an interest in other peoples needs and is helpful where they can be then keep being that guy. forcing yourself to be aloof and distant is a lot of effort and wont help you. be yourself and if people like you for who you are then you have a real shot at making a relationship work. no one wants to date someone who comes across in one way but then drops the act and is completely different.
also calm down on trying to date EVERY girl. I know dozens of girls who are attractive and that i get on very well with but it just isn't going to happen, learn to pick your battles and accept that you can have a hundred friends but only 1 girlfriend. your girlfriend should be your best friend but all those others girls can still be a big part of your life in a platonic way.