It is rushing forward and making me think about mortality.
But if you want to disregard all death? I worry about me. In the near future I am off to Uni. Yet I am stuck in a house alone and basically ending up autistic as a result of my total lack of seeing other humans, bar builders who speak in monosyllables and are busy... Building. I am unemployed, cold, and fucking bored.
But mainly it is the whole "Am I going to readjust into being a normal(ish) human when I get to Uni? Or have I crippled myself emotionally and will I remain the same recluse/hermit that is unable to talk to people"
See, that's the thing. Violence seems inevitable. They won't stop pushing me. They'll always insult me. The only thing that'll stop that is if I can get a job, and in this economy, that'll take far longer than I can tolerate jobcentre's bullshit for.
I know it would be stupid to beat up someone as soon as I get there, but I'm just desperate for ideas of how the hell I stop them fucking with me, thus stopping me eventually hurting them.
Implying if you reacted violently to one of them it would be their fault.
No, dude. Just no.
If your impulse control is that poor, it's therapy time or it will be prison time.
As to how you stop them fucking with you- you don't.
Just stop taking it personally. They've been screwing me over for a long time.
They told me I was fit enough to work the day before I ended up in the ER because of how sick I was.
It is basically their job.
Nuclear War, I know it pretty much ties in with the death thing but I mean the aftermath, because if we do survive it'll all go Lord of the Flies and society will be doomed. Although I suppose it's not that likely seeing as we have already achieved overkill, that is, we have built enough nuclear arms to destroy the whole world, more than once as well, because apparently we wanted to be really sure that the soviets didn't have some other world we didn't know about that needed to be destroyed, and vice versa.
I'm only "worried" about finding a wonderful topic for my upcoming papers, my MA-thesis and the PhD.-proposal I want to write.
Worrying about love, sex and unemployment is a waste of my valuable time. I'll cross those bridges when I get there. Just try to enjoy the journey until then.
Any insect whose body is bigger than my feet (size 14 here) and that can keep pace with me in a dead sprint.
Also, any pissed off woman who has easy access to a pair of scissors, super glue and sleeping pills. Mainly because I don't want to fall asleep suddenly and then wake up with my dick superglued to my forehead.
Pretty obvious, with "Death" taken out because...well, it would be obvious.
I started thinking of this topic because I randomly got thinking this morning about when Uni ends, and I'm finally forced to sign on at the jobcentre. Through my pursuit of further education, I've never been able to look for full time work for long enough to make going there worth it. The one time I did, they insulted me for choosing to look for part time work so I wouldn't have to quit when I got to college (I was in a four month blank between princes trust and college). They guilt tripped me, wasted my time, and generally made me feel like crap.
And when I get out of uni, I'll be forced to endure that, possibly for years, in this economy.
I want to work. I know that when I don't have objectives to work towards and problems to solve, my own paranoia makes things up to worry about. That's another reason I dread the end of uni. They don't see it that way, though. They see everyone as another waster, another benefits scrounger, which I do understand, hell, for the two hours they kept me waiting, I heard plenty of people trying to get their money early because they'd spent it all on non-essential things and supposedly forgot about food and the like, but being accused of something I didn't do makes me really angry.
I paced up and down my room this morning, practicing my defiant speech for when the terrible day comes. "Insulting me isn't going to get anyone anywhere", "I don't want to be unemployed anymore than you want to deal with me", or just flat out admitting "I'm not a very stable person, and treating me like this isn't wise". I know none of it will work. They're all scumbags who work for our scumbag government, they won't listen until something bad does happen, which I can guarantee it will. I'm almost thinking of just walking in there and beating up the nearest worker I see, just to make a point. It's all useless though. If I don't get a job quick enough, I'm going to jail, that's it, I'll fucking snap, they'll fucking deserve it, but I'll be the one going down for it.
I guess I've just gotta make my tolerance of them last as long as possible, and always remember: They're the government. They are my enemy, and always will be. They want me to snap, and will do their best to make me. The most harm I can do to them is one day being successful, and gaining enough influence that I can help to put a stop to them.
Seriously dude that's pretty damn extreme. You seem very angry all the time.
Beating up a government employee for doing their job to prove you're not like the `scroungers`?
Yeah that'll work. The only people I've ever seen to start a fight in the jobcentre have been scumbags. Being hostile? Snapping at them? There is no quicker way to prove you are just like the `scroungers` (which is a nasty label to place on those on jobseekers in the first place).
I've been unemployed for a while, and yeah, jobcentre people can be pretty harsh and uncaring but they're just doing their flipping job.
As for what I'm worried about?
Getting a job, being able to support myself after such a long period of sickness, being able to provide a better life for potential kids than I had when I was growing up.
You know , people tend to forget that these people are people too and they are just doing their shitty job like everyone else .
OT: my girlfriend wants to buy a house . So i have to save 10 000 canadian dollars . I'm currently employed at a grocery store for 14$ an hour . According to my calculations if nothing goes wrong, it'll take me 2 years if i manage to put away 125$ a week. Damn girlfriend and her wanting nice things . The worst part is i'm actually trying .
Also , i want to go back to school . But i have social anxiety and HATE doing any kind of group work . I can't talk to people , and i'm not noticible enough to have people come up to me . Add the fact that i have no idea what i want to do and yeah , life sucks . I do wish i'd die in a freak accident . The only thing stopping myself from ending myself is the fact my mother would be right . If i kill myself , she wins . If i die in a freak accident , it is an act of god , and i win .
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