Back with ex - can i trust her?

[Firefly22]

I have recently got back with my ex girlfriend but im not clear on her intentions. We were in a relationship for a few months and at first it was going great. Towards the end of the fourth month it all went downhill. She started to act very strange towards me and wouldn't confide in me about what was on her mind. This eventually led to a massive argument between us when we were out one night.

The morning after, I was late for work (as i often was) but told her that I had made it in on time when she phoned me. I just didnt want her to think I was a complete faliure. As it turns out she had phoned my work place to check up on me. She was extremely upset with me and was crying and telling me she could no longer trust me. I felt really afwul for lying to her and still do.

I apologised and explained why i did it and that it was wrong for me to lie to her. We managed to patch things up for a short while but it didnt work. She eventually broke up with me saying that she had a lot of familiy problems and couldnt deal with a relationship at the moment. Weird thing is that i was planning on ending it with her that same week because i felt like we werent even in a relationship anymore. She said that she was afraid to lose me though as i dont like keeping in touch with ex's. I just told her that i couldnt see her anymore as that would be the only way i could move on.

We never spoke to or saw each other after that day and i just wanted to move on with my life. That month i even went on a date with another girl, as one of my friends suggested it would help me get over her. The date didnt go very well, there was no connection and the girl in question was actually on a break from her ex. After the date ended i went home feeling like absolute shite and decided to drown my troubles with alcohol. That same night I recieve a text from my ex saying that she feels down and that she misses me and wants us to meet up. As i was drunk i thought "eh what the hell" and agreed to meet up with her. when we did meet up she told me that her personal problems are gone and that she wanted to get back with me.

Now that were back together though, im not entirely sure she has forgiven me or that her problems are really gone. She writes a lot of Facebook and MSN status's that seem to be attacking me. Im concerned that she might have just got back with me so she can hurt me instead. She even told me she has done this with an ex in the past. I really think it could work this time and will try as hard as i can to make sure it does as i really love the girl.

I dont know. Am i right to be worried? Or does this just sound like the ramblings of a paranoid loon?

PS - sorry about the Gigantor sized wall of text.

 

[TheYellowCellPhone]

Well, quick question to a plausible answer I may have: does she have friends? She could be using you as someone to talk to rather than to date.

 

[spartan231490]

Either trust her or don't, how can we help you with that decision, we don't know her at all. however, it seems to me that it's no different from any other relationship, there's a chance you might get hurt, are really so afraid of losing somethign, that you aren't willing to have it in the first place?

 

[BakaSmurf]

I wouldn't trust her under those circumstances... But hey, what the hell do I know? I'm just some anonymous internet person with no actual relationship experience that you'll probably end up ignoring anyway.

Whoo, go internet.

 

[spiderbait]

I wouldn't trust her under those circumstances... But hey, what the hell do I know? I'm just some anonymous internet person with no actual relationship experience that you'll probably end up ignoring anyway.

Whoo, go internet.

For a moment I thought I had already posted when I saw that. But let me try to give you advice on your relationship based on one page of text summing it up and my zero relationship experience (I agree with Bakasmurf; the internet is awesome.)

It seems to me that something destroyed your relationship before and now you're back together without ever confronting the problem. Now I know she said that she's over her issues but when have you ever known anyone to get over issues that fast? The way I see it there are only to possibilities in this situation:
1. She wants to be with you but her issues make it difficult.
2. She wants to fuck with you.


Now no. 2 is infinitely more likely in my cynical, fatalistic opinion but I'd say it's better to expect no. 1. You might get hurt in the end that way but let's face it: You're probably going to get hurt either way.
So my advice is confronting your girlfriend. Sit her down and ask her just what issues made your relationship so difficult (try to word it as if the problems are gone. I don't think calling her a liar will help). She probably won't want to tell you but you need to force her. Use whatever reasoning/threat/ultimatum necessary. You are fighting in the dark and you need to know what it is you need to do and what you should avoid.

If you know what it is that is destroying your relationship you might have a chance. Otherwise, you should just forget about her and move on.

Here's hoping that you at least get a good story out of all this.

 

[SimuLord]

If you guys had a dysfunctional relationship the first time around what makes you think the second time (especially since it seems like the only reason you guys got back together is that you couldn't find anyone else to move on with) is gonna work?

Break it off now. It ain't gonna end well, so get out while you can.

 

[TheEvilJester]

It may seem intrusive on my part but what does she post that makes it feel like she is attacking you?

 

[astrav1]

Good for her.

 

[IBlackKiteI]

I think you need to get things absolutely straight first.
From what you've posted it seems you are speculating on what is going on too much.
I say stay with her for a while, find out whats what and move on from there.

As for trusting her? I guess the only person you can ever trust is yourself.

 

[Pingieking]

If you guys had a dysfunctional relationship the first time around what makes you think the second time (especially since it seems like the only reason you guys got back together is that you couldn't find anyone else to move on with) is gonna work?

Break it off now. It ain't gonna end well, so get out while you can.

This. So much of this. Probably won't go well for you.

 

[Firefly22]

It may seem intrusive on my part but what does she post that makes it feel like she is attacking you?

Things like " You never cared you lied straight to my face". The thing is she lied to me once and laughed about it afterwards when i said it hurt my feelings. she said it didnt matter as it was only a small lie but thats how most big lies start off.

Good for her.

Look im not saying i was perfect but i never tried to be. I just tried to make her happy. If your going to criticize do it constructively please

 

[captain underpants]

It may seem intrusive on my part but what does she post that makes it feel like she is attacking you?

Things like " You never cared you lied straight to my face". The thing is she lied to me once and laughed about it afterwards when i said it hurt my feelings.

Run away as fast as you can.

 

[The Long Road]

As I read through your post, I noticed that lots of poor choices and bad luck stacked on each other to create a pretty big problem. If she has family issues, she's probably very careful about who she trusts. Lying to her, even in something as small as being at work when you were only on your way, was a truly bad idea. Now she has reason not to trust you. But it's not entirely your fault, as she obviously has some very serious problems of her own.

On a more immediately useful topic, it takes a lot of time and effort to deliberately hurt someone who already does not trust you, as you should not trust her yet. If she's going out of her way to make your life painful, you will notice. There's only so much that can be done when the trust level is low, and her patience will be worn thin if you take your time in building it back up again. Basically, it may take 5-6 months to be completely sure she isn't out to get you like she supposedly did to another one of her exs. Final quick tip: do not have sex with her (or anyone else, obviously) until you are totally sure she really wants to be in an actual relationship with you. That will ruin everything you have done to that point.

Good luck, my man. I've been in a similar situation, but I got lucky and it resolved itself about as well as it could have. Here's hoping the same happens to you.

 

[Firefly22]

Thanks for all yur help guys. Im gonna try and talk about it with her as i want to be honest with her. Hopefully whatever happens after that will be for the best.

 

[Kefo]

sounds like she still has issues. If she is posting things on facebook about you(you know for a fact they are about you right? She isnt just ranting about someone else?) instead of telling you to your face then its best to leave her.

 

[C95J]

Just make sure she doesn't see this thread

 

[alerriixx]

Honestly if you told one little lie to save face, and after a few months she hasn't moved on, it sounds like she has some soerious issues.. I'd suggest to break it off fairly quickly :/

 

[TheEvilJester]

It may seem intrusive on my part but what does she post that makes it feel like she is attacking you?

Things like " You never cared you lied straight to my face". The thing is she lied to me once and laughed about it afterwards when i said it hurt my feelings. she said it didnt matter as it was only a small lie but thats how most big lies start off.

Good for her.

Look im not saying i was perfect but i never tried to be. I just tried to make her happy. If your going to criticize do it constructively please

Then be honest. Go to her and say whats up with these posts?

 

[Plurralbles]

no.

dump her when you've found a better deal.

 

[justnotcricket]

The question here is: do you actually *want* to be back together with her? If you ended up back together because she caught you at a moment when you were down and drunk to boot, then, well, it doesn't seem like the best basis for the resumption of a relationship. It sounds like you have a lot of issues there, and unless you want to spend some serious time working them out, I'd bow out gracefully now. It all depends on how you feel about her. Are you back together because you're afraid/ashamed to be alone and she offered you a way back out of that feeling? Or are you back together because you really feel there's something good that can come out of this?