Being cheated on

[loc978]

the standard, implied exclusivity our culture is so fond of flat-out disgusts me. Sorta implies ownership, from where I stand.

Could I ask you why exactly it "disgusts" you?

You actually quoted my explanation there. It implies ownership. A human being owned by another human being. I understand that for most the ideal is more like a symbiosis, but my experience viewing other people's relationships is that the ideal is very rarely realized... and people become property in all but name more often than not.
Those who are strong enough end those relationships. Most aren't, and stay in 'em until they become a train wreck.

I always thought that, if you were going to be in an actual relationship with someone beyond mere sex, it would be hard to become emotionally invested in them if you're basically sharing it between a bunch of other people, making none of them particularly special.

And I mean, I couldn't blame anyone for feeling unnerved if they found out they were just their partner's "bit on the side" or just another plaything. I mean, it works for casual sex, but not for mature relationships.

I don't want to be "that guy", but after a while, if you're just moving from one girl to the next without any real connection beyond genitalia-juggling, you'd start to get bored, wouldn't you?

I suppose I'm just incapable of seeing that point of view. I become emotionally invested in plenty of people. I say unhesitatingly and without reservation that I love my friends and family... but sex is not part of love, at least as far as I'm concerned. It's about as emotional as a game of ping-pong.

The bits where you throw around terms such as "mature relationships" and "real connection" as though any relationship worth the name has to involve romance and possible sex shows that you and I could never see eye-to-eye on this matter. I would see you as brainwashed, you would see me as either an alien or a liar.

Suffice to say, our culture says you're correct in your assessment, and I say our culture is very, very wrong... that we've warped human relations into something completely unnatural. That disgusts me.

Hmm. That's a fair enough argument. Not entirely whether or not I agree with it, or whether I even can, since I have little to no experience of relationships.

Don't get me wrong, I have no problems with people having casual sex. Maybe I've been watching too many films, but wouldn't you get bored after a while? Perhaps it's a black-and-white outlook, but wouldn't the alternative to not getting bored having sex with one person after another be to just...settle down with one person that you love a lot?

Or maybe it's a double-edged sword, and you can't win either way. I think we could see eye-to-eye, because I'm always open to different viewpoints of certain matters. Like I aforementioned, I have little to no experience of relationships, and even I would have no idea what I'd do (or what I "should" do) if I was dating a girl. I'm socially awkward enough as it is even with people, both male and female, that I'm not particularly close to.

I see. I apologize for assuming. I sometimes forget that I'm often dealing with people who are much younger than me here.

As for getting bored... well, one would pretty much have to get bored with life to be bored with sex. I know the archetype of a womanizer who is searching for "something more" is a common one in romance films... but I'm not a womanizer, nor a stunningly handsome rich young man who is constantly assailed by party girls looking for a free ride.

I've found fulfillment... one could say I have settled down; with the friends and family I grew up with. There isn't a deeper or more fulfilling love out there, and there doesn't have to be. It took me traveling three continents, seeing more suffering than I thought could exist in the first world and nearly being killed several times in a war to realize that, though.

 

[Dave In A Cape]

I've had a girlfriend cheat on me before. It's not exactly the best feeling in the world and honestly I think it managed to destroy my trust in people.

I found out that one of my ex's was cheating on me with some guy over the internet...I mean, sure as far as I'm aware they never actually met but yeah it was real devastating, broke up with her and moved back to England. After that I noticed that I had changed as a person, I couldn't look people in the eye without thinking that they where trying to get the better of me somehow, became a bit of a recluse for a while just trying to get myself back together, realised that everything that happened was probably my fault. I was the jealous type and I probably drove her away and vowed to change and finally got over what had happened.

I met a girl, fell in love, moved in with her and we was together for just over 2 years when she left me...cheated on me...I don't really know, for some guy that she met on the internet...

I thought that me and this girl where going to be different, I tried so hard to be cool when she had guy friends who where way too obvious about what their intentions where (even if she didn't see it) because the way I saw it was, I have to trust her, Relationships are no good without the trust and she's never given me any reason to believe that she would stray before.
Hell I even got over it when that guy she met on the internet sent presents to the house, of course I got angry but it was just before xmas and I know how pathetic and desperate some guys can be to get a girl to notice them so that and her assurances that nothing was going on I let it go. I wanted to be a changed man for the good of our relationship.

Everything from my previous relationship caught up with me. The feelings of not inadequacy, the blaming myself, the paranoia, blind rage.
Even though I ended it with my first ex a long long time ago, I still feel like she's haunting me, she is the reason for all my failures with this girl who I love and cherrish so dearly and is a million times the person that my first ex ever was.


tl;dr: don't cheat, it sucks

 

[Nikolaz72]

I don't understand the problem.
So you have sex with somebody else, what's the problem?

Nothing was lost, why would anyones opinion change?

Sometimes I eat apples, but then I might have an orange, why should that mean that I have somehow betrayed the apples and should never eat apples again? But the act of doing one thing apparently means that another can no longer be done, why?

I can see absolutely no logical reason for restricting yourself to having sex with only one person, no natter what the situation.
I find people who complain about cheating annoying... If somebody cheats on you, what have you lost? nothing. If they don't like you anymore, that's not because they cheated, that's why they cheated, and they were perhaps worried they'd hurt your feelings if they just broke up with you suddenly. Whatever the reason, its not the fact that they cheated that caused any problem.
Breaking up with somebody because they've cheated means the relationship failed because of your intolerance, because you shouldn't be affected at all.

Furthermore, it's just as ridiculous to believe that people are only capable of loving one person.

I really can not see a reason as to why people are so weird about this stuff... what is the problem?
I have an Xbox, Wii, DS, PSP and a PC... I use them all...
I shop at Tesco, Morrisons, Asda and sometimes M&S.
I'm friends with Danny, Clancey, Rory and Jane...
Is any of that wrong? Do any of those abandon me because the others are around, no.
Then why can I not have sex with several people? Why am I incapable of loving several people?
In no way can explain it to myself.

Cheating is one of the worst things you can do to someone, mostly for a myriad of psychological problems that can and will develop down the road. It breaks the trust of your partner, you begin suspecting other partners that you have in future, if the person who you're cheating with finds out it destroys their trust of you and possibly any other person. Friends/family may hate you for a long time and you will probably deal with depression.

This is exactly what I'm talking about...
Why should cheating cause psychological problems when it doesn't even involve them? Trust? What if I told my partner in advance I was going to cheat? would that make it ok? I would assume not.
I'd expect a "no.", theyd get a "Why?", and I would get a meaningless "Because it's wrong!" back. "Why?" again... basically, They're getting psychologically damaged by their own intolerance to cheating, when it does nothing to them, my opinion of them hasn't changed... why should anything
change? nothing happened to them.

They lied, they broke a promise. They broke your trust. You can 'never' trust them again. Being in a relationship thats usually a big deal, I get being edgy by having an unpopular opinion is important though. . So I wont expand further than that as we are almost sure to disagree.

 

[The Unworthy Gentleman]

I'm not entirely behind monogamy it just seems a little too possessive for my tastes but if one of you wants it and the other agrees then you have to stick to that. It's part of that whole trust/honesty/respect thing you keep hearing about, y'know that part of relationships that make them work well.

Basically it's a dick move to fuck someone when you're exclusive.

 

[Mondai Randy]

I have been "cheated" on once before (online thing). I didn't care really (I wanted to break up with her but I didn't know how start the break up so I used this as an excuse to do it). Didn't feel bad in the slightest, in fact it was quite comical since she gave me her password to her myspace (she wanted me to check something) and all her messages between her and the guy were still there in the inbox (I thought she was smarter than that).

 

[The Funslinger]

I did the "I forgive you because I'm so nice and understanding" thing once, and I really don't think it was the right idea. Now, that doesn't mean there is no possibility of a relationship recovering after someone cheats, but I think it's pretty slim. In my own experience, everything about the relationship after that point was tainted.

I did try to do this a month or so ago, but she didn't really give me the chance.

Basically got taken aside when I met her on the monday after a long weekend and she told me she'd had a bit much to drink at a party and kissed some guy a few times. She dumped me out of guilt. I was understanding about it considering we'd met under similar circumstances (both single at the time, don't worry. She was sober, I was steaming)

Anyway, when I pressed her about it, she admitted she had considered dumping me the friday before that weekend, because "the spark was gone".

I've always found cheating deplorable, and I'd never do it, nor would I knowingly be kiss/shag someone who was in a relationship at the time. I genuinely have no respect for anyone who cheats; they are utterly pathetic. But obviously it was harder to feel that way when it was my own girlfriend.

What really pissed me off was that when the relationship lost its newness, her reaction was to end it without bothering to talk about it or try to fix it in any way. The sad part is I genuinely don't think I'll meet someone I'll connect with on that level for the foreseeable future.

 

[SycoMantis91]

I think it depends on the situation. My first girlfriend cheated on me about a dozen different times, and I never knew til she dumped me. Another was seeing someone else behind my back for a couple months and had the balls to have the new person break the news to me. Those are obvious "fuck you!" situations. I think impaired judgement can come into play as well as factors like distance, both physically and emotionally. Also, sometimes a guy is wholeheartedly sorry and has a truly great deal of regret for his actions, other times they're like "yea, I cheated". That should also be taken into consideration. What it really boils down to is if you think he's worth giving another shot.

 

[ReservoirAngel]

I don't suppose I've ever been cheated on, but only by virtue of it being impossible to 'cheat on' a one-night stand. When you don't even exchange names it's hard to have any kind of claim of fidelity with a person.

One guy I know did cheat on his girlfriend with me though. In retrospect I shouldn't have gone along with it but he was curious and I was horny, and I am only human.