Being friends after getting turned down.

[CManator]

Hey guys and gals, I need some advice. This post may be long winded so bear with me.

So I've always been a quiet guy, and a bit socially awkward. I'm easy to get along with and likeable, respectful of all lifestyles, backgrounds, opinions. But at the same time I've always had difficulty initiating and maintaining conversations, which makes it hard to make new friends or god forbid wanting to be more than friends. It's not that I don't want friends and I can certainly accept a woman wanting to be "just friends". I am in no way entitled to a person's friendship or affections, nor is anybody entitled to mine. I understand all that.

Now I've asked out quite a few women in my day, and the wording of the answer varies, but the result is always the same. Not only is she not interested in dating (perfectly acceptable) she loses any interest in interacting with me at all unless it's necessary, no matter how well we had been getting along up to that point. That is what frustrates me and makes it hard to ask out future women. Even the ones who say they want to be just friends don't seem to mean it, they just don't want me to hate them and I don't.

So there's my question. Do women tend do not be friends with a guy they turned down? Or is the problem with me? I worry that my quiet nature gives off a "creepy" vibe and maybe they're worried I'll try something sinister. (I know things like stalking and rape and other forms of psychotic behavior are very real and serious concerns for all women) But I'm not like that, I'm a good guy, just quiet.

Help me, escapists! I need to figure out the problem and hopefully prevent it in the future, because it is doing a huge number on my self esteem. Any advice or constructive criticism is welcomed.

 

[manic_depressive13]

Maybe they feel uncomfortable being friendly towards you after turning you down because they don't want to seem like they are leading you on, or give you false hope that you still have a chance? Or perhaps they assume that it might be awkward for you, so they try to give you space. Do they actively make excuses not to hang around with you or do they simply stop taking initiative? I doubt it's anything sinister like thinking you're a rapist. I imagine that a lot of women would just find it embarrassing without assuming the absolute worst of the guy.


You haven't really described how you tend to behave (except that you are quiet) so I can't tell you if you are being unintentionally creepy. Maybe the next time this happens you can clarify the situation. Try saying "Can we still be friends? I promise I won't rape you." That should put them at ease.

 

[FilipJPhry]

A little follow-up advice after being friend-zoned: "Let's be friends" has become some sort of generic turn-down nowadays. Whenever a girl told me that, I immediately ask for their number anyways. "Let's be friends, right?" I try to turn it around while at the same time sound uninterested. These words are going to be very VERY important: "I'm so happy we're just friends."

So there's my question. Do women tend do not be friends with a guy they turned down? Or is the problem with me? I worry that my quiet nature gives off a "creepy" vibe and maybe they're worried I'll try something sinister. (I know things like stalking and rape and other forms of psychotic behavior are very real and serious concerns for all women) But I'm not like that, I'm a good guy, just quiet.

Help me, escapists! I need to figure out the problem and hopefully prevent it in the future, because it is doing a huge number on my self esteem. Any advice or constructive criticism is welcomed.

If a girl does this, disregard her. Cut her out of your life. You can stay friendly toward her, but don't even look at her direction when in the same room with other people. This is one of those instances where confrontation isn't recommended. She'll approach you eventually. Remember: Unless she approaches you, don't give a single fuck.

About the second question: "Is the problem with me?"
Do you look alright? Creepy? Are you at least presentable? If not, all you need is just dress and smell nicely. Whether they admit it or not, girls judge solely on appearance and first impressions. I've already posted a list of ways to look better and smell nicer in many posts around this forum so it makes girls feel more comfortable talking to you.

Spoiler: Here it is!

1. Buy some cologne. Georgio Armani Acqua di Gio and Chanel are my brand. It doesn't seem much, but when someone tells you smell great, it's a nice boost to your ego. Also if you're a sweaty person, buy antiperspirant and wear %100 cotton undershirts, especially if you're wearing buttoned shirts of all kind. I'll be honest: appearance is everything if you're in school.

2. DON'T go for the rich-guy look. Expensive watches, chains and jeans makes you look like a douche. At most, jeans should cost $110.

3. Unless you're cosplaying as Mako from Legend of Korra, no scarves. Ever.

4. Smelly feet? Wash between toes, and when you come out of the shower, DON'T step on the thing you stepped on when you entered the shower. Also put baby powder in your socks.

5. If you're grooming "down there", just trim. Being completely shaven makes your junk sweaty.

6. Shower EVERY morning. That shit you had on your pillow is the same shit you had on your face yesterday. A shampoo/conditioner is great to avoid greasy hair.

7. Use good old-fashioned bar-soap on your body before using body wash.

8. Acne problems? Wash your face every morning and night to avoid breakouts. Sleep with a clean towel over your pillow. For body acne, change your bed sheets every week and flip your mattress.

9. For facial hair, avoid mustaches, unless if you can grow a beard. Wash your beard as often as your hair. Also, after eating. Don't want some leftover food on your facial hair. Patchy beard? Then fuck it. Clean-shaven works too, unless you look like Danny Briere.

10. Brush your teeth(and tongue) every morning and night and follow-up with floss and listerine. If your tongue is white and not pink, you're brushing it wrong. To test your breath, lick the top of your hand, wait a few seconds, then smell it. It's disgusting, but it works.

 

[manic_depressive13]

1. Buy some cologne. Georgio Armani Acqua di Gio and Chanel are my brand. It doesn't seem much, but when someone tells you smell great, it's a nice boost to your ego. Also if you're a sweaty person, buy antiperspirant and wear %100 cotton undershirts, especially if you're wearing buttoned shirts of all kind. I'll be honest: appearance is everything if you're in school.

Cologne stinks. Anti-perspirant is okay but cologne on anyone younger that forty is just tacky, and on anyone older than forty it's only there to cover up poo smell.

3. Unless you're cosplaying as Mako from Legend of Korra, no scarves. Ever.

Scarves are fine. I've heard that they're not considered "masculine" but do you really want to be friends with someone who subscibes to that bullshit?

The rest is pretty much common sense except for some weird stuff which I will have to take your word for.

 

[Honorleaf]

I agree with manic_depressive13; I think it is more of a situation in which they are trying to make it less awkward for everyone by avoiding contact. It is not a method that works for everyone, but it can be preferable to continuing to hangout with you one-on-one and feeling as though they are taking advantage of you/your feelings.

This also may sound trite, but what do you mean when you say that every girl you have asked out has turned you down? Is there a certain characteristic etc. that they all share that be leading to this pattern? Also, how do you feel about trying to maintain a friendly relationship with them (maybe you both have differing definitions of friendly)? I had a situation in which one of my somewhat good male friends (loudly and drunkenly) professed his "love" for me in front of my amused boyfriend and other friends. Though he has since tried to call me (though he never leaves a voicemail) I have been avoiding him due to the general awkwardness of the situation and what could easily be interpreted as a chance to take attention away from my current boyfriend (any attention is good attention for some people). I only add this story because the girls you are asking out may be interpreting your friendliness as an attention grab (even though that may not be the case).

 

[CManator]

Maybe they feel uncomfortable being friendly towards you after turning you down because they don't want to seem like they are leading you on, or give you false hope that you still have a chance? Or perhaps they assume that it might be awkward for you, so they try to give you space. Do they actively make excuses not to hang around with you or do they simply stop taking initiative? I doubt it's anything sinister like thinking you're a rapist. I imagine that a lot of women would just find it embarrassing without assuming the absolute worst of the guy.


You haven't really described how you tend to behave (except that you are quiet) so I can't tell you if you are being unintentionally creepy. Maybe the next time this happens you can clarify the situation. Try saying "Can we still be friends? I promise I won't rape you." That should put them at ease.

Well it's tough to say. It's usually people I see often anyway beause we work together or similar situation. I try to not be awkward, i smile, try to make chit chat (How's your day, etc.) They seem disinterested and they don't really approach me anymore. It's possible I'm making it awkward unintentionally, maybe they were only tolerating my presence to begin with, maybe it's all in my head.

Now I know I don't take the best approach when asking them out. I can never just casually work it into a conversation (hell, I'm generally happy if I can make it through a normal conversation without any awkward pauses) so I try to catch them when they are alone (not an easy task, the last 3 have been coworkers at a decent sized grocery store) and just straight up ask them. Sometimes it can take days or weeks to find a good time, so chances are they already knew i was interested beforehand. When the inevitable no comes i just accept it. I might get the standard disappointment face, but i quickly compose myself. I don't ask why, I don't get emotional, if they say just friends, I say I'm fine with that.

And for clarity, when I say I'm quiet, it means I have difficulty coming up with things to say. I'm not antisocial, I enjoy people's company. I don't say shy because that implies I'm afraid to say what's on my mind (ok im shy about asking girls out, it never ends well, thus this topic. a no itself is no big deal though) I simply don't always have something to say. It's bad enough in 1 on 1 conversations, but put me in a group of 4 or more, I may as well not be there. If there IS something I want to say, I'm pretty direct about it.

The most recent girl I asked out 2 days ago after a shift. She said we could hang out just as friends, and I said I'd like that. Which is true, she is a very awesome person and I'd rather be friends than nothing, and up until then she seemed to genuinely enjoy my company, so I believe that she really does want to be friends. Yesterday she'd smile when she saw me but didn't really talk to me like usual. So i guess time will tell whether it was just first day awkwardness or not.

 

[CManator]

I agree with manic_depressive13; I think it is more of a situation in which they are trying to make it less awkward for everyone by avoiding contact. It is not a method that works for everyone, but it can be preferable to continuing to hangout with you one-on-one and feeling as though they are taking advantage of you/your feelings.

This also may sound trite, but what do you mean when you say that every girl you have asked out has turned you down? Is there a certain characteristic etc. that they all share that be leading to this pattern? Also, how do you feel about trying to maintain a friendly relationship with them (maybe you both have differing definitions of friendly)? I had a situation in which one of my somewhat good male friends (loudly and drunkenly) professed his "love" for me in front of my amused boyfriend and other friends. Though he has since tried to call me (though he never leaves a voicemail) I have been avoiding him due to the general awkwardness of the situation and what could easily be interpreted as a chance to take attention away from my current boyfriend (any attention is good attention for some people). I only add this story because the girls you are asking out may be interpreting your friendliness as an attention grab (even though that may not be the case).

Well if it's just an attempt to avoid awkwardness, i hope it's temporary, but usually it ends up where we don't really talk anymore just be civil when we see each other.

As for the women I ask out, there's no real pattern that I'm aware of. I've asked out girls of varying age (adults only), beauty, personality, etc. It's just people with a good combination of traits i like. If there is one common theme it's that they are fairly social. They are talkative enough to make up for my quietness, but not so much that I can't get a word in and they seem interested in what I have to say when I do open my mouth.

I have dated one girl, but she was the one heavily flirting and i wasn't sure if I was intersted so I was reluctant. So we hung out a few times and I decided to go for it, but by then asking her out was merely a formality and you could even say I caved. It lasted about a month and the breakup was pretty mutual. We really weren't compatible at all but it was a good learning experience if nothing else.

 

[Honorleaf]

Hmmm I think in that case, it is probably not something specific that you have done and is probably due to a string of bad luck. I hope it is temporary too (in my case, this friend has apparently done this to other girls I know and had a reputation for doing this before I knew him). Maybe due to the way in which they responded to you when you asked them out, they are now viewing your quiet personality through a different lens and don't know how to deal with interactions on their end? I would think that they don't want to go on talking about school, work, other boys etc. and seem like they are totally glossing over your feelings?

And at worse, don't feel as though you are dooming every relationship you share with one of your female friends (that grows into something else). Sometimes it is nice to be able to get your feelings out in the open, even if it does mean that the nature of your relationship (at least at that moment) may change. It's a risk you will have to balance, but it doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you. I think the "let's be friends line" is a way of absolving both parties from guilt or from the responsibility for feeling the way that they do (like after a mutual break-up etc). I think women also tend to be specifically conditioned to use these sorts of terms, even if they don't really mean it, as a way of diffusing an awkward situation for everyone.

 

[CManator]

Hmmm I think in that case, it is probably not something specific that you have done and is probably due to a string of bad luck. I hope it is temporary too (in my case, this friend has apparently done this to other girls I know and had a reputation for doing this before I knew him). Maybe due to the way in which they responded to you when you asked them out, they are now viewing your quiet personality through a different lens and don't know how to deal with interactions on their end? I would think that they don't want to go on talking about school, work, other boys etc. and seem like they are totally glossing over your feelings?

And at worse, don't feel as though you are dooming every relationship you share with one of your female friends (that grows into something else). Sometimes it is nice to be able to get your feelings out in the open, even if it does mean that the nature of your relationship (at least at that moment) may change. It's a risk you will have to balance, but it doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you. I think the "let's be friends line" is a way of absolving both parties from guilt or from the responsibility for feeling the way that they do (like after a mutual break-up etc). I think women also tend to be specifically conditioned to use these sorts of terms, even if they don't really mean it, as a way of diffusing an awkward situation for everyone.

Well you make a good point, I hope you're right. It's just a pattern I've noticed, and the only constant is me. For the most part I don't know what people think of me (unless it's a mutual dislike).

 

[Honorleaf]

Haha and that is a good thing! Hopefully not too many people are yelling out their hatred of you in the streets!

Most of the time I think people do have to acknowledge that they are the constant in these sorts of incidents, but there are still cases in which even when you are the constant, you aren't necessarily the negative or wrong one. Some people through no fault of their own at times, attract certain personalities or bring out specific qualities in others (and the ensuing drama). It is good to acknowledge it so you can spot difficult situations that may be just on the horizon!

 

[science girl]

It's going to be a bit awkward initially but with time i am sure it will be fine. it will blow over

 

[BloatedGuppy]

Help me, escapists! I need to figure out the problem and hopefully prevent it in the future, because it is doing a huge number on my self esteem. Any advice or constructive criticism is welcomed.

I can only speak from personal experience, but with few exceptions I've stayed friends with almost every ex I've had. They vary from pleasant acquaintances to one who is as close to me a sister, and probably my best friend. I can't tell you why or how. There's no trick to it. I just stayed friends with them. Apparently I'm a well loved friend when it comes to women, which for obvious reasons has been at times both a blessing and a curse. My girlfriend was a little weirded out at first by my veritable army of friendly exes, but she's over it now.

You're on the right track when you ponder whether or not the problem is you, because you're correct, you are the one constant in this equation. So kudos for that, self-reflection usually stops short of the "Maybe the problem is me!" stage. Note though that it's not necessarily an indicator that you're an insufferable prick or a creepy molester. It could just be the kind of woman you're drawn to (there's always SOME kind of pattern).

The only real constructive thing you can do is have a sit down and try to reflect on whether or not you're an appealing friend. Do you listen? Are you supportive? Are you the type of person who is fun to be around? Do you make other people feel good about themselves? Are you interesting/funny/fun? Are you needy, or do you require a lot of hard work to get to know? Are you demanding? Are you a maelstrom of drama? All good things to consider.