Best Comebacks Ever

[The]

So I was in class waiting for the bell to go when I decide to play a bit of minesweeper on my phone. After losing multiple rounds in a row, a classmate next to me tauntingly says "Ha, you lost." To which I reply: "Good observation, detective. Now you can solve the case of the missing fuck I don't give.". One of my proudest moments.

What are the best comebacks you've ever given or heard?

 

[Daystar Clarion]

Shadow the Hedgehog is the king of comebacks.

Just check this out.


Sonic's gonna need a lot of ointment for that sick burn.

 

[JayElleBee]

Snip.

I don't get it. D: I wanna get it. Someone help?

OT: There have been a couple of instances in my life where I've come out with some witty one liner, completely by accident, but I can't remember most of them. Although there is that one time when a friend said that she didn't like rubber and I said she better like babies then. We were like fifteen and a bunch of dorks, so everyone thought it was marvellous.

 

[magicmonkeybars]

Kids theses days, the best come back is and will always be "yo mama ..."

 

[Hazy992]

There can only be one winner


There isn't enough ointment in the world to soothe that burn!

 

[Private Custard]

Classic cricket sledging is home to some of the best comebacks ever. I'll just go ahead and quote these directly...

During 1989 Lords Test, Merv Hughes said to Robin Smith after he played and missed: "You can't fucking bat".
Smith replied, both with the bat and with words, he smashed Hughes to the boundary and said "Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can't fucking bat and you can't fucking bowl."


Glenn McGrath & Eddo Brandes: After Brandes played & missed at a
McGrath delivery, the Aussie bowler politely enquired: "Oi, Brandes, why
are you so fat?" Brandes retorted, "Cos every time I fuck your wife she
gives me a biscuit".

Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad: During the 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed
called Merv a fat bus conductor. A few balls latter Merv dismissed
Javed. "Tickets please", Merv called out as he ran past the departing
batsman.

Sources
http://britishexpats.com/forum/showthread.php?t=263543
http://crickitter.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/famous-cricket-sledging-incidents.html

 

[Little Woodsman]

I wear an awesome Clark Gable mustache...and one day a young woman out of the blue came up to me and said "Oh my God! I hate mustaches, I think they're awful! I'd never date anyone with a mustache!"
I listened to her, and calmly nodded. Then I said, "Well, that's good information, but ponder this. If I meet someone who I'm interested in, and I express that interest to them and they say 'Sorry, the mustache kills it for me' I can excuse myself, find a razor and a restroom and come back ten minutes later without the facial hair. If you meet someone who you are interested in and they say 'Sorry I can't stand overly opinionated over-sharing rude idiots', what are you going to do?"

 

[Albino Boo]

If I want a comeback I would have wiped your mothers chin, I used on some guys trash talking in TF2. Another guy complained about me taking the piss out of him, so I said "I'm sorry is someone elses turn".

 

[Scarim Coral]

The best one from media is Roosterteeth show The Strangerhood (at 0.20).

The best comeback thrown at me was years ago when I was in university. I told my mate that I was waiting ages to be picked up by my parent for Christmas and he added they must of went to the food store first to stock up the food for me to eat which I took it as a witty insult in a funny way (it's true I do have a large appetite.

 

[shadow_Fox81]

"shut up guy"

scott pilgrim

 

[Battleaxx90]

Ladies, please. I think we all know who the winner is here...

 

[bug_of_war]

School formal after a buddy failed getting 5 different girls to say yes:
"Oh well, I'm a man, I can handle rejection"

Me:
"Real men don't get rejected"

DROPS THE MIC

 

[MrStab]

The best comebacks and insults I've ever heard are probably all from the movie Operation End Game, if you haven't seen it watch it because it's hilarious. The best that I've had used on me was by a mate a few weeks ago when I was bitching about something or other to which he replied "You're just mad because your mother fucks for bricks to build your sister a whore house"

 

[Belaam]

I had a fun one in college. Couple of proselytizing Christians clearly working from a script.

Them: Hey, what's your major?
Me: English
Them: Well, did it ever occur to you that Jesus Christ was the greatest Chemist who ever lived?
Me: Um, no.
Them: Because he is able to physically live inside you.
Me: You mean like a tapeworm?

Them: *some spluttering, awkward glances at each other, then they walk away*

 

[SwimmingRock]

Snip.

I don't get it. D: I wanna get it. Someone help?

That's from Sonic 06 and a DeShawnRaw rap battle parody video. The point of those rap battles is that the main character (whose head was replaced by Shadow) says completely irrelevant and pointless things, but somehow he's considered a battle-rap genius. The joke is that Shadows comeback is stupid and terrible.

 

[soren7550]

Best one I've said in real life: Few years back my mother is holding my niece, and not letting my brother (the niece's father) hold her. Her reasoning for not handing the child over; "She's more my child than yours. Until you pass a child between your loins, your kids will belong to me more than they will you."
In a super rare instance of me being quick, witty, and on the mark, I say to her without missing a beat "Well, if you want to be technical, he already has passed her through." Everyone is dying, save for my mother, who's mad.

Best one I've never said: I said this one in a dream a long while ago. I can't remember what was said prior, but my response was "To loosely quote Rosa Parks, 'I can sit wherever I want, so fuck you'."

 

[Mossberg Shotty]

Me and a friend were talking about how we both think astrological signs are bullshit. For fun I asked him:

"Hey, what's your sign?"

"I'm a Cancer."

"Of that, we agree."

Aw shit.