This might seem kind of a strange thing to complain about, because I'm not actually a woman (it's true!), but what the HELL, Bioware, is up with these romantic leads for women in your games? They're intolerable. Male Shepards and Wardens and Hawkes have a panoply of riches to choose from. But women?
Alistair is the cream of the crop because his simpering is occasionally amusing, but he's a polarizing character who is deeply loathed by half the player base. Zhevran is a font of venereal disease and looks like an escapee from the cast of Jersey Shore. Fenris wandered in from a questionable anime and clearly has some manner of magical leprosy. Sebastian is a prim, bloodless bible thumper. And the less said about Anders the better.
Then we can move along to Mass Effect, where we have the unbearably fabulous Kaidan Alenko, who is almost certainly a moldering corpse on the surface of Virmire because Ashley is so goddam indispensable. Thane, the utterly demoralizing and downbeat frog-man with his acid flashbacks and relentless fatalism. The entirely awesome Garrus, who is nevertheless a scaly and crusted anthropomorphic lizard and thus unlikely to bestir many hearts. Leaving us with Jacob, and was there ever a duller romantic lead than Jacob Taylor? They wasted so many development resources detailing his improbable pectorals they forgot to program him up a personality.
And of course, those of you old enough to remember Baldur's Gate 2 will recall that male heroes had their choice of three lively and vivacious companions, and female heroes were stuck with Anomen fucking Delyrn. A man distinguishable solely by the fact he had the most punchable face in the history of gaming. Just look at him, and tell me you don't want to punch the HELL out of him.
And the dialogue...oh lord, the dialogue. The droopy, sappy declarations of love. The bizarrely animated nocturnal fumblings. Shepard and Hawke, acting like sexual harassment lawsuits waiting to happen instead of flirting like normal human beings. It's all so EXCRUCIATING.
So please, Bioware, throw the Femhawkes and Femsheps a frickin' bone, will you? Where's their Morrigan? Or Ashley? Or Tali? or Jack? Or Miranda? Or Merrill? Why do guys have a range of at least moderately interesting stock personality types to choose from, and girls get a choice of Blandy McBlanderson, Repulsive Alien, Raging Metrosexual, or Epic Douchebag? Surely you can't expect ALL of them to become lesbians just to avoid weeping quietly into their pillows at the compromises they have to make to get that romance achievement?
Alistair is the cream of the crop because his simpering is occasionally amusing, but he's a polarizing character who is deeply loathed by half the player base. Zhevran is a font of venereal disease and looks like an escapee from the cast of Jersey Shore. Fenris wandered in from a questionable anime and clearly has some manner of magical leprosy. Sebastian is a prim, bloodless bible thumper. And the less said about Anders the better.
Can we talk about Mage rights again?
Then we can move along to Mass Effect, where we have the unbearably fabulous Kaidan Alenko, who is almost certainly a moldering corpse on the surface of Virmire because Ashley is so goddam indispensable. Thane, the utterly demoralizing and downbeat frog-man with his acid flashbacks and relentless fatalism. The entirely awesome Garrus, who is nevertheless a scaly and crusted anthropomorphic lizard and thus unlikely to bestir many hearts. Leaving us with Jacob, and was there ever a duller romantic lead than Jacob Taylor? They wasted so many development resources detailing his improbable pectorals they forgot to program him up a personality.
Can we hurry this up? I have an Old Spice Commercial to shoot in half an hour.
And of course, those of you old enough to remember Baldur's Gate 2 will recall that male heroes had their choice of three lively and vivacious companions, and female heroes were stuck with Anomen fucking Delyrn. A man distinguishable solely by the fact he had the most punchable face in the history of gaming. Just look at him, and tell me you don't want to punch the HELL out of him.
Right in his smug face.
And the dialogue...oh lord, the dialogue. The droopy, sappy declarations of love. The bizarrely animated nocturnal fumblings. Shepard and Hawke, acting like sexual harassment lawsuits waiting to happen instead of flirting like normal human beings. It's all so EXCRUCIATING.
So please, Bioware, throw the Femhawkes and Femsheps a frickin' bone, will you? Where's their Morrigan? Or Ashley? Or Tali? or Jack? Or Miranda? Or Merrill? Why do guys have a range of at least moderately interesting stock personality types to choose from, and girls get a choice of Blandy McBlanderson, Repulsive Alien, Raging Metrosexual, or Epic Douchebag? Surely you can't expect ALL of them to become lesbians just to avoid weeping quietly into their pillows at the compromises they have to make to get that romance achievement?
