Breaking up, and how to deal with it.

[TerribleTerryTate]

Hello guys/gals, I need some guidance, or at least - some advice.

I'm sure 90% of us here have at one stage or another been involved in a break up that tore at our heart strings, leaving us a lump of emotion-filled putty. I'm curious as to how you dealt with said problems. I know everyone is different, and as such, deals with their problems in different ways. Some drink themselves nearly into a coma (me) whereas others sleep with anything that moves, and some simply disappear in their home for 3 months until they are ready to come out and greet the world again.

Which is you - if any?

I'll start.
About 6 months ago, me and my Ex broke up - she broke up with me, with the legendary 'I need some space' line, only for me to find out two weeks later she was with another guy she worked with. I thought I was over her, until a few days ago I started getting strong feelings of loneliness - and I began missing her. Memories came flooding back, and before I knew it I longed for her to be with me again. Even though I know it would be incredibly stupid of me to do so. What should I do? I have had break ups before, but I've never been as close to my partner as I was to her, and therefore it effects me far more.

 

[Apone]

For a long while your going to be lonely. This period is caused by the loss as your life is now so different and empty feeling. It's not always that you want "them" back, just that you want the feeling of being with someone amazing back. You can only really ride this out. Think about it when you can. Work out why your sad each time, what you miss. By exposing you self to the negative and the painful you'll except it and in time get over it quicker.
Having a friend who is close enough to listen to you talk about how you feel is a great help. Even if all they do is listen and give you something to lean on. The more you accept your reality the faster you will get over it and move on.
Don't repress what you feel. Get it out, get over it at a good pace. And get well soon.
Good luck mate.

 

[krashdummy]

I'm sure 90% of us here have at one stage or another been involved in a break up that tore at our heart strings, leaving us a lump of emotion-filled putty. I'm curious as to how you dealt with said problems. I know everyone is different, and as such, deals with their problems in different ways. Some drink themselves nearly into a coma (me) whereas others sleep with anything that moves, and some simply disappear in their home for 3 months until they are ready to come out and greet the world again.

May I have your attention for a few seconds, please?
My apologies for not having any actual advice for you, but I just have to beg of you, for the sake of everything pure and just, spare me the dreaded 'heart' metaphor!
I enter a state of epileptic, nauseous spasms whenever I hear it.

 

[Drong]

Drink too much, spend every hour possible with friends (many of whom i'd neglected a bit previously as being overly wrapped up in whatever break up i was in at the time) eventually calm down, meet another 'nice' girl be on top of the world again for a while until said 'nice' girl screws you over and then start the whole process again, rinse and repeat.

Bloody hell I am getting old and cynical.

 

[mitsoxfan]

How to deal with it? Simple answer is don't. Accept that your relationship wasn't what either of you were looking for, and move on. She has, and quickly, too, I might add. and don't drink yourself into a coma, because alcohol is a depressant, and just makes things worse. Go see a movie, play some GTA IV, or break some of her stuff she left behind. Or better yet, get outside and get some physical activity. Nothing says "breakup remedy" like a few rounds in a boxing ring!

I've been on both sides, and now I'm happily married with an awesome 2-year old gamer in training. And it took a lot of break ups to get here.

In the end, clean breakups are good breakups. No marriage, no kids, no hassle except for a little bit of mental trauma for a few days/weeks.

Take this opportunity to have some 'TerribleTerryTate Time'. Do what you want to do, when you want to do it. Accept that 'over' means 'over' and move on, but not too fast of course. Go on a few dates, find someone that better compliments you and forget this chick ever existed.

Worse comes to worse, she realizes it was a mistake and she comes crawling back. But don't be waiting there with open arms, because she'll do the same thing again. And be happy it happened sooner rather than later.

 

[Melaisis]

Drink too much, spend every hour possible with friends (many of whom i'd neglected a bit previously as being overly wrapped up in whatever break up i was in at the time) eventually calm down, meet another 'nice' girl be on top of the world again for a while until said 'nice' girl screws you over and then start the whole process again, rinse and repeat.

Bloody hell I am getting old and cynical.

I like you, Drong; you appear to be thinking exactly what I am, except in a more frontal and crude manner. That doesn't make your expressions bad, however; quite the opposite in my opinion. Still, I agree. The OP should listen some of this [http://youtube.com/watch?v=-Tl-c1PusrM], go out, get trashed and respect the cycle of relationships by at least attempting to turn on the ignition again, especially if he ain't outta gas yet.

 

[AnGeL.SLayer]

I can't help but sit here and think your just so much better off with out her if she had such a lack of compassion for you to do something like that. You feeling lonely doesn't has as much to do with her as you'd think. Humans are very social creatures and you need to view the whole situation from that point of view from time to time. Clearly she wasn't worth your time and the love you had to offer her. So why the left over feelings? No one wants to be alone and when we feel alone we start to reach back wards to what we had in the past. Your just looking for something to fill that void, be it with her, another girl or a bottle. I know you know that she did you wrong. The only thing I can tell you is being bitter isn't going to get you anywhere. Rejection in any form is hard to take but it's just another part of life. We all are going to get hurt from time to time, it's the small price one has to pay to find true love. (can you tell I'm a hopeless romantic?) Take the lesson and pick your self back up. It's the only thing anyone can do. Spending time on the bottom isn't something to be avoided, a loss is a loss, spend time grieving because you've earned that right. Don't take it so personal in the end if you can help it. Face the fact that not every girl you try your hand with is going to be a match. If it was that easy love wouldn't be worth having. Realize love takes time and effort. You have to work at it and learn to compromise. So many people just give up and start over. Love is something you have learn. You spend most of your life living for only yourself, it's hard learning to live for another. Just know it will get better. Something like that is how I always try to approach it anyways.


^_^

 

[TerribleTerryTate]

Thanks for the replies. I totally agree with everything that has been said, and understand that the loneliness and missing her is very likely down to the fact, that at that time I was somewhat bored - had a friend mentioning how she was getting on, and therefore I started thinking about her.

'No one wants to be alone and when we feel alone we start to reach back wards to what we had in the past. Your just looking for something to fill that void, be it with her, another girl or a bottle.' - This is so true, just needed to read it from someone else to fully realise it. I don't miss her, it's the companionship and being with someone I miss.

She definitely did me wrong, I won't go into details, but I didn't warrant such treatment from her. Having said that however, I pity her more than feel anger or hatred towards her, as I realise that she'll never be happy if she continues to act the way she has so far.
Thanks again for the replies, genuinely did help! <3.

 

[Gooble]

Ah man, that would be hilarious to see j-e-f-f-e-r-s.

But seriously, you've just got to ride it out, and try not to dwell on it. Drinking will just aggravate the crap you're feeling; you've just got to hope it doesn't last too long

Good luck dude

 

[Anarchemitis]

I don't have help for you, Better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all, but how would I know that?
...I'm so lonely.

 

[Hey Joe]

What you need to do is get right back up on the horse...and have sex with it.

I give awesome advice.

 

[wilsonscrazybed]

Go on a three month binge of heavy drinking. Write an entire album and then later realize it what whiny crap that should never see the light of day. End it all by propositioning your best friend's girlfriend while drunk at a nightclub. Wake up with your key chain around your neck and no pants on. Not that I would know anything about breakups...

 

[mshcherbatskaya]

I don't know if this is a girl thing, but there is generally some furious housecleaning involved, including going through all the closets and drawers and other crap depositories in the house and throwing out everything that can possibly be thrown out. Especially if it came from or belonged to them. There's nothing more satisfying that dragging a big bag of trash out to the dumpster and heaving it in with a hearty, "So long, *****!"

EDIT: This is followed by stern self-lecturing on the futility of trying to make someone else happy if they aren't already, the stupidity of dating dry-drunks and addicts who don't happen to be using at the moment, and cursing people who have decided to work out their parental issues on their hapless girlfriends/boyfriends.

 

[Programmed_For_Damage]

As the 'King of rebound relationships'®, I can tell you from experience that getting together with anyone at this stage is a bad idea. You'll invariably take the issues from the previous relationship into the new one and end up screwing it all up and hurting someone else in the process. Picking up a girl for sex will take your mind off it for a while (as will drinking) but as soon as it wears off you'll be miserable again and, while no one else is getting hurt, you are hurting yourself in not dealing with the issues involved in the breakup. What you need is quality time alone, doing the things that YOU like doing and reconnecting with friends who you've neglected through the course of the relationship.
After a while you may start thinking about your ex, and your brain (probably to cushion the blow of the failure of the old relationship) starts romanticing your old relationship and you start thinking "hey maybe it wasn't so bad after all". If you follow that to the logical conclusion and manage to get back together with them, 9 times out of 10 you realise that yes it was as bad as you remember and both parties feel "ripped off" and dejected.

Just remember that all this is very normal and 99% of the populations goes through it, and in most of the cases, lives through it. Unfortunately I usually snap under the strain of depression and do one of the things above that I've said not to do and that's why my life is the train wreck it is now. *sigh*


Oh and Terry Tate, how are those commercials working out for you? ;-)

 

[nom_lah]

honestly. consider yourself lucky, you have the option to hate said girl.
whats worse is loving someone who is breaking your heart into a billion peices
because you cant blame them
you can only just sit there saying "but i love you"
as they stab you over and over.
shit i need to go drink myself.
*is envious of you!*