[HEADING=1]Final Fantasy Double Feature[/HEADING]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MvkhALO49X0[/youtube]
So it's Modern Warfare II season.
I, like many other gamers, have been seeing things a little differently because of it. Sleep, for example, is now a distant memory. Eating is for the weak, and the only reason I've turned up at work is because I'm terrified of not being able to pay for my Live account. If it wasn't for these things I would buy a toaster, nail it to my Xbox and barricade myself in my room for the rest of my pallid, Gollumesque life.
And I would die happy.
I decided it was time to take a break when I saw my roommate with the last pop tart and realised that if I snook up behind and knifed him I could have the pop tart for myself without appearing on enemy radar because no gunfire had been used.
I say "decided", but I actually mean "ordered". God damn court psychiatrists, his face would have grown back eventually.
Obviously I could review it and add to the already overflowing trough, but instead I have deemed it time to look back to the dark days before banners, quotes and proofreading and see just how far we've all come, and how much happier you are with my overwritten, preachy "style" accosting your eyeballs each and every week.
My slavish devotion to the Final Fantasy series has been well documented [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.144913#3266704] and in this time my love has not waned.
Dissidea is a very new game, but let us not dwell. I would like to look to the future by, ironically, looking to the past.
Being a scummy PSP owner (I'm severely allergic to playing any actual games) my handheld experience only really started when I got the bloody thing online a couple of weeks ago.
I took a while to browse through the retro (read "more than a week old) games, but what really got my attention was the RPG section, and a little-known game called Final Fantasy VII.
After a quick change of pants I downloaded it, abandoned sleep for a few weeks and continued to hone my caffeine tolerance like I have since the age of six. I'm fairly certain that humans, as a species, should not vibrate, but my doctor advised me that this isn't going to be a problem for much longer.
I prefer not to dwell on that sentence, since she was shaking her head and sighing when she said it.
Boring story short, I completed it and decided to take another blind stab at the incomprehensible mess that was Advent Children; quite possibly the best CGI, direct to DVD sequel to a twelve year old video game ever made.
Admittedly about as prestigious as the Oscar for Best Fingernails, but still.
Here are my inane, unnecessary thoughts on both of them.
Oh, and just before we start, save me a lot of trouble by stapling the phrase "If you're into this kind of thing" onto every other sentence.
Throughout the review I will be asking an important question; how does it hold up to my Tupperware?
(That sound? That's Mr Bryghtside having an orgasm)
[HEADING=2]"Dilly-Dally Shilly-Shally "[/HEADING][small]Tifa, offering one of the more polite descriptions of my writing.[/small]
Final Fantasy is well known for it's diverse, colourful and, above all, whiny characters.
It's also well known for the fact that there about, oh, a billion of them. Per game.
Add this to the fact that I'll have to mention how each character has evolved from PS1 pixel to hyper advanced rendering and you have a situation like last week's Pulp Fiction wherein I'd be responsible for the deaths of many an innocent forum-botherer through sheer boredom.
Like I say to your Mum each night: sooner we start, sooner we're done.
Cloud
Game: A cocky, arrogant little twerp with deep seeded delusions and a bizarre origin story.
Film: A broken, miserable little twerp with deep seeded emo tendencies and a bizarre fixation with phallic, oversized swords.
Tifa
Game: Childhood friend of Cloud (maybe) and member of the revolutionary group AVALANCHE (definitely). She has a heart of gold and is tough. Has a mean, huge pair of... fists, and knows how to use them.
Film: Down a couple of bra sizes so she actually resembles a human female rather than a broom with mellons attached. Serves as Cloud's emotional anchor.
Vincent
Game: You find Vincent gothing it up in the Shinra mansion, trying to atone for his sins by sleeping (!?).
Film: Decidedly awake, but now his cape is magic and he can fly (!?).
The Rest
Game: Integral to the intertwining threads of the game.
Film: Barely an afterthought.
Then there are Reno and Rude, of The Turks.
Here they serve as comic relief, which seems about as strange to me as these new T-shirts that have a design on the stomach rather than the chest. At one point during the game didn't Reno throw a man off a cliff for kidnapping his teammate, with all the emotion and occasion you or I would have with changing a light bulb? And didn't Rude eschew all weapons for the pleasure of beating people to death with his bare hands?
I mean they are employed to kidnap, intimidate and generally be ne'er-do-wells, but here they are reduced to performing slapstick routines for the pleasure of absolutely bloody no one.
Wildly misjudged.
The three of them are the bad guys because somebody has to be before Sephiroth inevitably returns. They are pretty young, mostly uncharacterised and entirely unexplained.
You'll notice that there isn't much in the way of character development here. Most of the characters are shoved to the sidelines in no small way due to time constraints. The game had hundreds of hours to develop and flesh out the main players but here there is a scant two hours to get through all of the people we met in the game. This gives the film a watered down feeling, and has probably annoyed a fan or two, myself included.
This is not a problem with my Tupperware.
It's unflinching devotion to keeping my sandwhiches cool and crisp is a symphony of friendship; of constant, undieing loyalty to the cause of food freshness.
Having such a steadfast and reliable companion, ready to be called on at any time, is too beautiful a relationship to be compared to any mere mass of pixels.
Not only will it answer the question "what the hell do I put my lunch in?", it will also save you from rabies. [http://www.komar.org/faq/hunting_bats/2006_07_12-bat/bat-tupperware.jpg]
An epic, forceful personality.
A friend until the day you die.
[HEADING=2]"I've thought of a wonderful present for you... Shall I give you despair? "[/HEADING][small]Sephiroth, still as straight forward and to-the-point as ever.[/small]
The game, it has to be said, has barely aged. The static backgrounds still look great and the simplistic sprites give it a camp chic feel that really boosts the style.
For example, how are you supposed to guess that you need to choose specific dialogue options to get Yuffie in your party? Why is Ultimate Weapon not nearly as "ultimate" as Emerald Weapon? Why did I know Aeris was going to die and still get choked up when it happened?
All pertinent questions, and no answers in sight.
The plot of the game was sweeping, majestic, sprawling and, most importantly, didn't make any sense.
Stop, no. Don't even start. I don't want you to leave any comments about how wrong that statement was, don't give me a play by play of what happened and especially don't give me your connotative interpretation of the story.
I've noticed that the main difference between eastern and western media is that eastern media has a compulsive need to lie to you. It just isn't fair.
And the film? Well, if the game lies to you, the film just doesn't tell you anything.
The thing is that the film is trying to make an interesting story about Cloud, who by the end of the game is the most powerful being in history.
I don't know about you, gentle reader, but by the end credits I had crafted Cloud and co. into a squad of death-dealing killing machines, stuffed to the teeth with enough doomsday magic to wipe out entire cultures with a mistimed sneeze.
So, to compensate, the film introduces a Cloud who is truly broken. He has lost everything; his girlfriend, his best friend, his home, his life. It paints the picture of a sick, dying man who is more than willing to give up and leave this world without so much as a goodbye or a funeral.
Sadly this is not explained at any point, so the picture is kept under a tarpaulin, locked in a box and stuffed in the cellar of a house marked "condemned".
The film suffers from a serious case of Night Watch syndrome, but without the benefit of the source material making any kind of sense either.
The game got away with it, mainly because of the interaction and comraderie of the characters, the convincing open world and the addictiveness of the gameplay.
Obviously the film can't do even half of this, so as a result the supporting cast barely gets a look in.
But the film does have good points.
First and foremost, it looks breathtaking. I believe the term is "hyper real".
CGI will age anything. Technology is going at such a pace that any images generated are pretty much obsolete by the time of release, so it's a testament to Square's rendering prowess that a film like this still looks amazing today. The fluidity of the characters, the human way in which they move and the confident way that such stylised sprites have made it onto another medium is truly staggering.
[HEADING=2]"Too much hope is the opposite of despair... an overpowering love may consume you in the end."[/HEADING][small]Vincent Valentine, and I have no idea what he's talking about either.[/small]
But looks won't get you everywhere.
The pacing is a real issue at points, and some parts are so slow they are actually rather painful. This comes from first time director Tetsuya Namora, who was the series' fashion designer.
Now this is not a logical step. I wouldn't ask Martin Scorsese to make me a catsuit and I wouldn't hire Stanly Kubrik to be my personal shopper, and not just because I'm a manly hetero. It's because it isn't their damn job.
Having said this, the third act really picks itself up. The main action set pieces are brought out and I can really say that the last half and hour is like having exhilaration distilled, poured into an IV and rammed down your urethra.
It's a beautifully choreographed ballet of destruction that, while veering away from the tight formulation of the game's mechanics, can be completely understood.
While this is great, the preceding two thirds of the film drag on and on. It's almost unforgivable that so much time is wasted on one character when there are so many more that needed the space, and even more tragic that this didn't actually make the story any more intelligible.
Oh, the fight with Sephiroth is treated with all due care and respect, and watching Cloud beat the smug off his face is still as satisfying as ever.
But this is the problem, it's nothing new. It gives no sense of closure and just seems to go by the numbers as to what they think that fans expect. In any other circumstance I'd accuse them of doing this for the paycheck, but if there is one thing Square can't be accused of it's needing the money.
Actually I did want to make mention of the previous Final Fantasy film The Spirits Within. You remember the Spirits Within, that CGI movie that had nothing to do with Final Fantasy? I remember the experience being akin to a stranger replacing all the food in my cupboards with a lifetime supply of peanut butter; I appreciate the thought, but I don't need it, it's pointless and get the fuck out of my house.
The game has faults need to be addressed too.
The lack of a journal throughout the game is a real let down. You have to play the game by itself, because if you forget what you are doing there is literally no way to remind yourself short of talking to every NPC for a quick refresh of the current quest.
The game also does not pander to your ego.
You know how it is with RPG's, you get to a certain point where your materia and stats have improved and you think "shit yeah, I am the man!" and decide to seek out a challenge.
This challenge may be Emerald Weapon. You may have forgotten to save because Ultimate Weapon was so unbelievably weak and now you have Cloud's Ultima Sword.
You may get into your submarine, find Weapon, and then Weapon rapes you. Because you did not save you lose four fucking hours of grinding. Then you cry.
Don't worry, the angry italics are gone now.
All of this, however, is not an issue with Tupperware.
No, gentle reader, the only problem you have with Tupperware is that it will go orange when you put pasta in it, and it cannot be fixed.
You can try everything, but your devoted friend is changed for life, forced to walk through the Tupperware community with an orangey mark of shame.
This is because you failed him, and what makes it even worse is that he is not even angry with you, he is happy to serve you in everything he can.
You are filth.
[HEADING=2]"I'm not about to tell you."[/HEADING][small]Cloud, outlining the main problem of the two pieces.[/small]
The Verdicts?
You know if you love Final Fantasy VII, it's hard to find someone who hasn't had some contact with it in one way or another.
Nothing I can say will ever convince anyone of anything any different, ever.
The game still remains a vintage delight to this day in the eyes of the fans, and the ones who hate the series still see it as the mother of all fanboys.
The film is probably the best adaptation of a video game we have, but as I've said, that's not saying much.
But all of this is crushed under the heel of Tupperwareistic fury. Can a mere twelve year old, stone cold classic video game that changed the face of the genre forever and it's multimillion dollar CGI sequel really stand up to it's airtight might?
The answer is a resounding no.
[HEADING=1]Tupperware porn
Get into it[/HEADING]
Get into it[/HEADING]
___________________________________________________________________________________
Can't sleep? Me either.
Film: Pulp Fiction [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.156647] / Night Watch [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.154980] / X-Men Origins: Wolverine [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.153507] / The Departed [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.149527] / Star Trek 2009 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.149058#3470961] / A review of Love Happens (Without seeing it first) [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.148846#3460365] / Inglourious Basterds [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.147977#3420043] / Fight Club Essay [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.147655#3403751] / District 9 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.147097#3373011] / The Crow 4: Wicked Prayer [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.137348#3089948]
Game: Resident Evil 4 Retrospective [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.148447#3440710] / Mass Effect [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.145571#3296970] / Final Fantasy: Dissidea [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.144913#3266704] / Metal Gear Solid Twin Snakes [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.140353#3149506] / Far Cry 2 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.139317#3129015] / Street Fighter IV [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.136868#3079685]
Other: A Review of Society, via Call of Duty 4 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.151891] / A review of My Cat [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.146281#3332788]
Game: Resident Evil 4 Retrospective [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.148447#3440710] / Mass Effect [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.145571#3296970] / Final Fantasy: Dissidea [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.144913#3266704] / Metal Gear Solid Twin Snakes [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.140353#3149506] / Far Cry 2 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.139317#3129015] / Street Fighter IV [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.136868#3079685]
Other: A Review of Society, via Call of Duty 4 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.151891] / A review of My Cat [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.146281#3332788]
