Complicated mess.

[Chairman Miaow]

Right. First things first. I am in a relationship with the woman I love, and have been with her nearly four years. I asked her to marry me about six months ago, she said yes, smiles all round. Not really the issue, but I just want it clear that I really, really do love her.

Now, a bit of background on her, and this is really, really personal and private, and I'm trusting you not to tell anyone, OK escapist? I'm trying to type this and I'm just finding it so difficult, my hands are shaking. I also want to make it clear that this is all fact, so please don't question it, it's just hurtful. Unless she has some kind of massive conspiracy going on with her family members. She has been abused. A lot. As a child, and again as a teenager. A stranger sexually molested her when she was 7, and she was with a man who beat her, manipulated her, and toyed with her for around a year when she was 16. The female side of her family also has a history of depression. This has lead to her having extreme self-esteem issues. She will not leave the house without wearing at least 4 layers of clothing, she will never wear skirts or dresses, and she will never try to look pretty, because she doesn't want to look like she is "asking for it". She suspects every action of every person she meets of having some kind of secondary motive for whatever they talk about, even if it is the weather, because she thinks nobody could possibly like her. She has no friends because of this. The friends she used to have she thinks betrayed her. Although her parents know about it and tried to be supportive, because she hasn't explained to them just how much she is still being effected by what happened, they don't support her as much as she needs.
Sex, unsurprisingly has been a problem. We didn't first have sex until around 2 years into our relationship, which isn't really a big deal, but her horror at the whole situation was. She felt betrayed by her body, feeling the same feelings it felt when that man touched her. She felt filthy for wanting to do it. We tried again at irregular intervals with both of us talking through our feelings about it each time and we reached the point a few months ago where we can regularly both enjoy intercourse, although there is the occasional hiccup where she feels like that again.

The first counselling session I managed to convince her to go to last year was a complete failure. Her low self-esteem convinced her that she was just over-reacting to what happened to her and so she didn't tell the counsellor the whole truth. The counsellor concluded that she just had "Low mood" and told her not to worry about it. That was it.

A few weeks ago I finally convinced her to try again, with a different counsellor, and to tell the whole truth. This time she did, and she has started making progress at a much faster rate than with just me helping her, after all, I am by no means a professional.

The reason I tell you this is because I need you to understand the emotional distress she feels, so that you understand the burden I have taken on in trying to help her. I love her, unconditionally, I want to marry her, I want to stay with her forever. I don't care how idealistic it is, it's what I want. I tell you this, because I want you to understand.... I don't know how to put it.... The pain I feel knowing the suffering she goes through every day.

I do everything for her. I cook her dinner every day. I quit my job and moved across the country so she could go to the university of her choice. I stopped seeing my friends as often because she gets scared when she is alone at night. I sleep on the sofa in the living room sometimes because my snoring is so bad it keeps her up and she really needs her sleep because she is struggling with her current workload at university. I would do all this again the same way if I had the choice, but lately, my own problems have started to surface, and they are making it difficult for me to help her. I know I should put myself first, but I just can't. My problems are nothing compared to hers, and I want to help so much, but my own stress is making me irrational, cranky, and incapable of real emotional connection without allowing all my other negative feelings to surface. For four years I have bottled up every bad feeling I have had so that I can better help her, but now I just can't do it any more. And yet, I need to. I can't stop myself trying to be there for her even when I feel awful myself. My sleep pattern is ruined, I eat completely unbalanced meals at completely different times every day, I never see my friends, all I do is play video games. This mess with my own problems without any form of release is making me completely insane. In trying to help her I just make things worse. If I get irritated at any little thing she does I have started to blow things WAAAY out of proportion and yell at her. Right now, in trying to help her, I am making things worse.


I don't know what I wanted from this thread. Maybe just somebody to listen. Obviously, any advice on any point here would be appreciated, but so too would just a simple "hang in there."

Thanks for listening to the disjointed ramblings of this feline dictator, Chairman Miaow out.

 

[Keoul]

I know that feel Q.Q
I read every word man. Life sucks for the best of us and right now I'm in a situation pretty close to the one you're in except despite me being there to help she thinks I'm "one of those friends that betrayed her".

I wish you luck through these arduous mental trials

 

[Phasmal]

That... really sounds like it sucks.

It's rather chaotic.

First of all- You sound like you could really do with some sort of routine. When things start getting all complicated for me, I like to stop and make a list. A meal plan of what you're going to eat during the next week would probably benefit you.

For seeing your friends, you really should. I understand she gets scared at night (I'm guessing seeing them in the day wouldn't be conveniant), but if you started seeing your friends say once a week, regularly (and tell her when you will be back, and stick to it), she will see that nothing bad is going to happen when you go out. You can't sacrifice your social life and your sanity to make her feel safe.

As for your snoring, have you tried them strips you put on your nose?

Also, stop doing everything for her. Take turns cooking. Cook together. Split things evenly. I understand that your girlfriend/fiancee has issues to work through, but you are still in a relationship, you shouldn't have to do everything.

I speak from experience. I was sick for quite some time, bedridden for some of it, my boyfriend had to do everything for me. One time I had to ring him up at work because I couldn't get out of bed to get a drink. It was probably the most miserable time in our relationship. He grew resentful and I got more and more depressed because I was convinced that I was a terrible girlfriend.

 

[Chairman Miaow]

I very much appreciate the replies, thank you.

That... really sounds like it sucks.

It's rather chaotic.

First of all- You sound like you could really do with some sort of routine. When things start getting all complicated for me, I like to stop and make a list. A meal plan of what you're going to eat during the next week would probably benefit you.

Although I haven't tried a meal plan, I feel like it would be quite difficult for me. I've never had success with any kind of diet simply because I forget I am doing them. What would most likely happen is that I would just wake up, forget about the planner, skip breakfast and lunch, eat my dinner, then remember the planner. It does seem like a good idea though, and I am currently trying to go for hour long walks daily. I cut it a bit short yesterday, but so far this week I haven't missed a day.

For seeing your friends, you really should. I understand she gets scared at night (I'm guessing seeing them in the day wouldn't be conveniant), but if you started seeing your friends say once a week, regularly (and tell her when you will be back, and stick to it), she will see that nothing bad is going to happen when you go out. You can't sacrifice your social life and your sanity to make her feel safe.

Thanks for this. I know that I should go out, but I just can't bring myself to leave her, I guess I just needed somebody to say it was the right thing to do.

As for your snoring, have you tried them strips you put on your nose?

Sorry, I was a bit unclear on this point, I don't just snore, I talk, yell, bathe, eat, and run in my sleep. The strips wouldn't help. I once chased my sister yelling and told my mum to fuck off, and another time I called my girlfriend fat. DX

Also, stop doing everything for her. Take turns cooking. Cook together. Split things evenly. I understand that your girlfriend/fiancee has issues to work through, but you are still in a relationship, you shouldn't have to do everything.

I do try to get her involved with the cooking, it is something that she used to enjoy. As for everything else, well, I was a bit unclear on that too, sorry. We do split the housework, I was just trying to say I would do anything for her, and I do do a lot for her, just not on the housework front.

I speak from experience. I was sick for quite some time, bedridden for some of it, my boyfriend had to do everything for me. One time I had to ring him up at work because I couldn't get out of bed to get a drink. It was probably the most miserable time in our relationship. He grew resentful and I got more and more depressed because I was convinced that I was a terrible girlfriend.

I'm really glad to hear you got through it ok, I hope you don't have to go through it again. Thanks so much for your help.

 

[Chairman Miaow]

I know that feel Q.Q
I read every word man. Life sucks for the best of us and right now I'm in a situation pretty close to the one you're in except despite me being there to help she thinks I'm "one of those friends that betrayed her".

I wish you luck through these arduous mental trials

That feel.....Y U NO STOP?!?!

I hope your situation gets better soon too. Kinda sucks. Thanks.

 

[Angie7F]

I think everyone posting here is spot on.

Meals: Best is to come up with a schedule. My BF and I have a time schedule so that we dont skip meals. The menu gets boring but we eat what we know makes us both happy (him watching his weight, me sometimes feeling uncomfortable around certain food)

Meeting friends: Come up with a schedule and have her get used to it. You need it.

Addressing her problems: I think you need to not make a big deal out of her problems. I personally responded better when I was forced to just move on. Digging back into your past sometimes reveals more memories that you dont want to deal with and can make you more screwed up. Concentrating on the small things that make you happy now worked better for me.

When i cook for my BF as scheduled, he will thank me for it, tell me it tastes good, and we appreciate the moment. Seeing him happy makes me feel like I did something good for him, and completing the whole preparation, cooking, serving and cleaning up process gives me a sense of accomplishment.
Also seeing ny BF reach his goal weight and passing his regular medical check ups makes me feel good too.

So stop doind everything for her.
Let her do something for you to, and then thank her for it and praise her for it.
It maybe baby steps, but you will see huge differences in the long run.

 

[Chairman Miaow]

The reality of the situation is that you are engaged to a broken woman, and there is nothing you can do to truly fix it. I think the best response is to stop treating it as an issue, people with low self esteem don't like to have their faults acknowledged to such degrees, they don't like sympathy a lot of the time because it makes them feel inferior.

Just live with the problem, don't address it directly, what you need to do is make her feel better. People have low self-esteem because they allow themselves to become convinced that they are worthless. It's basic human psychology that we inherently believe everything we're told. Low self esteem occurs from the constant acknowledgement of one's own negative traits, basically the process of constantly lying to yourself about how awful you are to the point you've convinced yourself it's true.

The best approach to countering this is to hit her with the opposite, constant acknowledgement of her superior traits. You need to hit her with this constant message, "You are awesome".

She is not broken. I know you don't mean it to be, but that is so unbelievably hurtful.

 

[requisitename]

The first thing I would urge you to do is to talk to her about what's going on. I can almost guarantee that she knows something's up even if you're not telling her.. and one of the quickest ways to make someone feel betrayed is to hide yourself from them when they're showing you everything of themselves.

Tell her about your problems. Let her help you, too. Love is a two way street, you know? "You help me, I help you. We'll get through this together." You say she's not 'broken' (and I agree), yet you're treating her like she is broken. You're treating her as though she's unable to do for herself or handle (your) reality, which could add to her lowered self-esteem, even if subconsciously.

As for her problems.. as a person who's had a lot of issues, I can say that what makes me most comfortable is for others to follow my lead when it comes to that stuff. If I want to talk about it to someone I trust, I'd like for them to listen.. but if I don't want to think about it, I dislike having it brought up. You can't make her move on, but you can help her focus elsewhere.

It sounds like you really do love her and I hope you're able to work this out. Just remember that communication is the most important part of any relationship. If you're not communicating things tend to go to hell.

 

[The Unworthy Gentleman]

Let the hate flow through you, let it empower you. Soon you will join me in my qu... oh, you want to help her?

My suggestion is to wake up two hours earlier than usual and go to be two hours earlier, put an iPod in and go for a run. Grab a coffee when you're done as well, read a magazine and then follow your usual routine, if you can call what you described a routine that is.

Just two hours a day. Exercise is good for you, you'll feel better and you'll have some time just to relax once you're done. After a while, when your fiancée progresses a bit more, you can start to run together, she'll feel better too. Both of you listening to music, wrapped up in your run, focused on getting to that coffee and magazine.

When you have some time off you should call your friends up and tell you fiancee that you're going to go out for an hour, just an hour, for a bit of a chat with your friends, just chill with your friend for an hour and be back early, not late.

She may be hurt but she's an adult, you can't treat her like a wounded animal for her entire life because she's had traumatic experiences. It's more important that you support her than you pander and push her to try and help.

 

[Friendly Lich]

Here is some alternative advice. You cant help other people much if you are broken. If you have any hope of having sex with this person forget about it. Then Ask yourself: I'm I ok with not having kind of sex in this relationship for years to come? Make some times for you and your friends, just a little bit. If she has a problem with that then I would advise you move on.

 

[Endersgate1321]

I've been thier with my wife she has been through alot of the same things your fiance has been through the only difference is she goes self destuctive instead of hiding. You need to make sure your doing ok first though you cant help if your upset. You need friends if she cant deal without you in the house take her along and inform her what you guys are going to do. Explain what she needs to do if she comes and how you expect her to act. This not to dominate her but rather for to understand that she cant be nagging you and monoplizing your time with your friends. She needs to be involved with them so she is comfortable and soon she will feel proctected around them and you. Thats the key she needs to learn that the world has friends and is not trying to get her. Then you both will have a good balance life.