Confession time: I hate a guy in a wheelchair.

[Doclector]

Okaym recently at uni we had to get in groups for a photoshop project. We were told to go with 3 people with similiar ideas...so of course everyone quickly got into fours of their friends while I fumbled around trying to remember who had the funny idea involving nick clegg. This meant I had no choice but to pair up with a disabled guy, and I mean completely disabled. Breathing machine, can't walk, doesn't move much, eats through straw, you get the idea. Now, I was fine with this aside from the fact his idea was vietnam based, which while it's a fascinating subject, it's nothing new.

The problems started when we started to discuss ideas. I felt I had no choice but to let him do his idea. For one thing, he had his three assistants around him, which, intended or not, made me feel outnumbered and pressured, and for another, no-one really knows me well in this class yet. If they did know me well enough, they'd know I'd never hate someone for a disability. I've been on the recieving end of that (aspergers), and I despise people who do it. But they don't know that yet, so I thought I'd go with it rather than risk becoming known as an asshole just because I wanted to do something a little more fresh than vietnam.

Three weeks on, and I hate him. Truly, completely, I hate him.

He calls for research meets about three times a week. This got so bad last week I had to put everything else off until a single day in which I had to rush to get everything done, otherwise he was just gonna buy up all my time, yet again. I don't want to make this about his actual disability, but TBH, the amount he can actually contribute is sometimes limited. considering I'm crap with photoshop, this is bad. And above all, I have honestly never met anyone so, damn, dull. I have met potted plants with more personality, rochelle from L4D2 left more of an impression, I don't know why he's in that wheelchair, but I'm pretty sure that aside from dementia, there is no disease or injury on the planet that can completely and totally remove your personality.

The worst thing is, I have to be dull too. Playing mister tolerant means I have to hold back on my rather dark sense of humour, I can't disagree with him, because I don't want people to get a bad impression of me. Now I don't know where to turn or who to tell, but I'm terrified that no-one else will work with him, and I'm going to get stuck with this dull, quite frankly under creative guy every single group project we get.

I don't know how much more I can take. I can't hold my tongue much longer. It was hard enough when I cared about his feelings, but to be honest, I hate him so much now, I don't give a shit any more. I'm either gonna snap next time he calls for more research, or I'm simply gonna die inside from this guilt that I feel for such intense hatred for someone disabled, and yet I don't really see a logical reason why I should be guilty. He could be an olympic athlete, and I'd still completely and utterly hate him.

I'm at the end of my tether. I don't know what kind of advice can be given, but please, help.

 

[Palfreyfish]

No matter how you spin the story to other people, they will instantly think that you don't like him because of his disability, and then jump to conclusions from there. As you've said, you can't do anything that may offend him or any of his helpers. Have you talked to your lecturers about how you feel that he's holding you back from reaching your full potential?

Also, one think that bothers me to no end is how disabled activists etc, they want equality, but get all butthurt when someone takes offence with a disabled person. If it was the other way round, with a disabled person taking offence with an "able" person, everyone would side with the disabled person. Hell, they'd do it even if the "able" person was right, just so that it doesn't affect others' opinions of them.

I guess what I'm saying is talk to your lecturers and explain the situation, and don't bring the fact that he's disabled in to it.

Quoting so that you know someone's replied.

 

[ultrachicken]

The only solutions I see are this: speak to your prof, or to this guy. Let him know your ideas, what you like and what you don't like about his. Even if he has assistants, you need to learn to speak up, because at this rate, you're going to murder someone.

 

[Doclector]

No matter how you spin the story to other people, they will instantly think that you don't like him because of his disability, and then jump to conclusions from there. As you've said, you can't do anything that may offend him or any of his helpers. Have you talked to your lecturers about how you feel that he's holding you back from reaching your full potential?

Also, one think that bothers me to no end is how disabled activists etc, they want equality, but get all butthurt when someone takes offence with a disabled person. If it was the other way round, with a disabled person taking offence with an "able" person, everyone would side with the disabled person. Hell, they'd do it even if the "able" person was right, just so that it doesn't affect others' opinions of them.

I guess what I'm saying is talk to your lecturers and explain the situation, and don't bring the fact that he's disabled in to it.

Quoting so that you know someone's replied.

Well, that's the thing. You sometimes end up working with people you hate, fact of life. The only professional problem I have right now (aside from the tons of research) is that he can't really help much with the actual photoshop work. This would be fine if we were a three man team like we were supposed to be, or if I were good with photoshop. Put it this way, I once thought a flash drive had something to do with the millenium falcon. Advanced computer work is not my strong point. I tried raising the issue with a tutor by saying about the missing third person. She made the excuse that less people equals less arguments. Ignoring the fact that I'd rather argue than be stuck working with someone who I'm pretty sure if I looked at their soul it'd be beige, I can't really raise the fact that I need help I can't get from him without raising the disability thing.

 

[Doclector]

The only solutions I see are this: speak to your prof, or to this guy. Let him know your ideas, what you like and what you don't like about his. Even if he has assistants, you need to learn to speak up, because at this rate, you're going to murder someone.

Don't I gorram know it. More innocent virtual people have died in Stillwater in the last few weeks than in the last couple of years I've actually owned the game.

 

[Palfreyfish]

*Snip*

Your tutor is being a dick. There's no other way of putting it. You need a third person, as the disabled guy evidently can't do much work, and the amount of work you're doing is going to affect your other classes/final grades/etc in a negative way. Speak to the tutor again, but make it clear that you're not going to do as well as you could if you had one more person.

Out of interest, what can this guy actually do? Because at the moment it seems like you're doing all of the work while he orders you about...

 

[Doclector]

*Snip*

Your tutor is being a dick. There's no other way of putting it. You need a third person, as the disabled guy evidently can't do much work, and the amount of work you're doing is going to affect your other classes/final grades/etc in a negative way. Speak to the tutor again, but make it clear that you're not going to do as well as you could if you had one more person.

Out of interest, what can this guy actually do? Because at the moment it seems like you're doing all of the work while he orders you about...

He can think, and talk about ideas. More valuable than it seems in this particular line of creative work (media) but the problem is...he's not very creative. Thus as usual, I am left feeling like the most sane person on the planet right now may be a madman (AKA me). The annoying thing is, I could be brutally honest as usual if people on this course already knew me well enough to know that when I have a problem with someone, I have a problem with them. Not their disability, sex, skin colour, religion, sexual preference, midget fetish, I have a problem with them. But because people don't know me like that yet, I have to be all polite and nice...which just isn't me.

 

[Palfreyfish]

*Snip*

Your tutor is being a dick. There's no other way of putting it. You need a third person, as the disabled guy evidently can't do much work, and the amount of work you're doing is going to affect your other classes/final grades/etc in a negative way. Speak to the tutor again, but make it clear that you're not going to do as well as you could if you had one more person.

Out of interest, what can this guy actually do? Because at the moment it seems like you're doing all of the work while he orders you about...

He can think, and talk about ideas. More valuable than it seems in this particular line of creative work (media) but the problem is...he's not very creative. Thus as usual, I am left feeling like the most sane person on the planet right now may be a madman (AKA me).

So basically you're a pen... I understand that you need ideas, but if he's not very creative, then that's not exactly helpful in a line of creative work, as you put it.

It sounds like all he's doing is coming up with dull ideas and essentially forcing you to do all the work because he can't. Stop feeling bad about offending him if you can't meet his expectations. Also ask him if he wants equality for disabled people. He will most likely say yes. Then you can argue with him, get mad at him, annoy him, ignore him, or whatever. If he wants to be treated as your equal then he'd better start treating you as one.

On another note, it sounds like:
A) you'd be better off on your own
B) He won't pass this course by himself.

Use the latter to your advantage when you want him to actually do something.

 

[Batou667]

OP: I must confess I laughed aloud when I read the thread title. I'm probably going to hell for that one.

This thread threw up a lot of questions. Why, if the assignments are meant to be for groups of three, did you two end up as a pair? Why is the one and only wheelchair-bound person in the class in a pair, surely he'd be better in a bigger group if anything? Why has your lecturer/professor not noticed this? Why hasn't it been pointed out to him/her?

Anyway, OP, that's all by the by now. Just approach your professor and explain patiently and calmly that you two are not compatible as work partners. Point out that there's nobody in the group who is particularly good at photoshop, and a team of two ideas-men is no good. Hell, play the sympathy card: tell the professor that you feel really sorry for wheelchair-boy and you're concerned that he's not currently able to work to his full potential, and that you feel he'd be better joining a larger group.

Alternatively, look at it from the other direction. No matter how bad the end result is, surely you're immune to failing the class, as you have Minority Immunity by association?

 

[The SettingSun]

You could either:

1. Grit your teeth and get on with it.

2. Put forward your side of view. You should be able to do this without it seeming like you're attacking. The whole point of working in a group is that you put forward different ideas. If he doesn't listen to your ideas and leaves you to do all the computer work then you've got a good reason for telling your professor that you don't want to work with him.

As long as you remain civil about it there's no reason you'd come off as an asshole.

 

[Doclector]

Well...today I stuck with doing the session, as I couldn't find my subject tutor anyway. I sat at the damn computer for two and a half hours straight, doing the work, while he said stuff like "you could just start again." and then at the end of the session he asked about the research, after I clearly and explicitly stated I no longer have any time to do it because today, I found that I had forgotten an impending photography hand in date because of distractions by this guy.

Ladies and gentlemen. I think the point has arrived that I no longer feel guilty about really wanting to burn this guy. Nope. His sheer dickishness has actually surpassed any and all sympathy he gets for his condition.

I'm astounded. That is quite some achievement. Is there an award for services to douchebaggery? This guy truly deserves it, people.

 

[Terminal Blue]

The fact that you're so terrified of being the guy who wasn't tolerant of someone's disability that you'd compromise pretty much everything to avoid it says a lot.

Just an educated guess, I think you actually do have a problem with this guy's disability which you're dodging around. You've allowed it completely determine how you interact with him.

If he would find your assertiveness offensive, then it's only because other people have mishandled him just as much and he's not used to normal interaction.

You've made the situation incredibly hard now, because if you suddenly stand up to him you will look like a dick because it will seem inconsistent, but you could certainly try to be more assertive.

It may well be that he is behaving in a controlling fashion because he feels like he's organizing the project, when actually maybe you would be better off organizing yourself. Explain to him that you don't work well in this environment, set some deadlines for yourself and tell him to trust you on it (just make sure you actually meet them). Obviously, this depends on the specific work you're doing.

Above all else, put yourself in this person's position. I know that's hard for an Aspie, but ask yourself how long you could continue to be a bright and vibrant person if you were robbed of the ability to do practically anything, stripped of any ability to socialize on a normal level and surrounded constantly by carers whose only concern is maintaining your limited physical wellbeing. You can't expect people to be interesting unless interesting things happen to them, and by refusing to make this dialogue interesting you're only contributing to the problem.

Sorry.. that's quite harsh from someone who doesn't know the situation, your story is just too simple not to have another side.

 

[Rin Little]

I wouldn't feel too bad about it if this guy's being as much of a dick as you say. There was a gay guy on my campus (my campus was really small and not the best at diversity) who I despised because he was one of the biggest assholes I've ever met. Me and plenty of other people were nothing but nice to him and yet he found reasons to hate us. He played up the "I'm a martyr, and people hate me because I'm gay" thing, which got really annoying really fast. Honestly if I were you, I would have snapped at this guy a while ago, or demanded that someone else join in the group.

 

[chaosyoshimage]

I couldn't stand a crippled guy once. He was in my electronics class and he didn't know how to do jack, I tried to help him with stuff, but he couldn't figure out the simplest of things. Worse, he also wanted to hang out around me and he had horrible tobacco breath. We had absolutely nothing in common and this was the one class where there were actually people I liked but he kept getting in my way of talking to them. The other guys felt similarly about him, but he didn't bother them as much.

I always felt bad asking them for help on something because I knew how annoying he could be about it, but they didn't mind me because I was actually helpful and took in advice as opposed to not understanding anything someone else said. None of my problems had anything to do with him being crippled, but since I don't remember his name, he is forever, that annoying crippled kid.

 

[EzraPound]

Just act as you would if he wasn't in a wheelchair. That's what equality means, y'know.

 

[tharglet]

Yeah, can understand complaining about this guy feels like kicking a puppy. Even if it isn't.

With the meetings thing, sometimes it's easier to play the "I'm busy" card. Sounds like you have enough genuine excuses to cut down on meeting times. For me, I find it better to work between meetings and just use the meetings to agree plans of action rather than actually working.

Tbh, if I was with this guy, I'd just go off and do my own thing, and just showing up to meetings with that (and doing nothing in the meeting). Doing a project over something that ain't all that good might be a good exercise for you - to try and think of ways of making it creative.
Most groupwork involves doing some kind of individual report - if so, explain what you did and it'll be clear that you've been doing the work, without needing to badmouth the guy.

If imagery isn't your strong point, is there something else you can do, or do the illustrations on poster paper (or draw then scan) if you can draw ok? Are you allowed to commission randoms to do your art, or allowed to google up imagery (and explain in your report your art skills are weak)? You don't really say what the presentation is, so can't really advise lol.

 

[Ziadaine_v1legacy]

Blunt, but you also need to step up in a way and tell him "I can't keep putting everything off in my life for these research meetings 3 times a week. I have other things in my life I have to do besides research for this one thing"

It's not insulting him (although personally I'd have cracked by now), you're not being snark about his disability but you're telling him you do have other things in your life that you have to do.

Stepping up's one thing we need to do sometimes, and I wish I did at my last interview w/Apple. we had to do a group thing to come up with an app idea (group seminar interviews) and the guy we got stuck with was just obsessed with "drums and bass". Everything he said was about it an when it came time for this he insisted we do a "music creating app for instruments like drums and bass" for iPhones. Was at the point where I wanted to say to him "will you get over your fucking bass obsession?!"

tl;dr - he cost three of us the job and he got it.

 

[Doclector]

Hehe...I guess this keeps getting attention due to the title.

Anyway, I have persevered this long. I only have a couple more weeks with this guy. We've salvaged a near-servicable project, and now I pretty much just need to do a critical evaluation.

Problem is...this ain't my project no more. I've pretty much just went with his conventional ideas, and now I've no idea how to evaluate it. Now, I've had to BS enough times to know I can evaluate something I honestly cared less about than the contents of my toilet, but really, critical evaluations should be about what went right, what went wrong, and what you learned, and well, I've learned an awful lot from this. So should I be honest? No-one's gonna see this other than the tutors, and in this, I have really the first opportunity to fully explain my situation and how this all influenced things. It's 1500 words long, so I definately have room to elaborate and make things completely clear.

 

[Schierke]

I would say at this point, just stick it out with the guy until the project is over, then write up the evaluation at the end and be absolutely honestly. If possible, it would be good to talk to your professor as well.

If the guy is disabled, while it's not pretty, it's an absolute fact that he physically won't be able to contribute as much, which raises the question of why didn't the professor make sure he was in an adequate sized group to preempt that problem.

Doclector, from what you've said, I don't think you hate this guy because he's in a wheelchair. I think you are pissed and incredibly frustrated by a set really shit circumstances that you didn't really have control over. The teacher giving a group that has more need less than acceptable manpower. The fact that your partner doesn't really have any ideas you want to work with, and the fact you don't mesh very well with him. But you can't ditch him, because that looks really, really bad.