Confidence: How do I get some? Also talking to the ladies

[Quiet Stranger]

Happy Canada Day everyone, I know I'm late but I forgot to say it yesterday.

So I had a terrible depressing Canada Day. I went down to where this free concert was going on (I was with some friends who were visiting from another province) mainly I was just there for my friends and the fireworks, didn't care much for the bands playing. There were SO many girls there at the concert and I don't have the courage to talk to any of them. I just have no confidence in myself at all and I'm very self-conscious, also paranoid (I sometimes think people are staring at me or pointing at me when they're most likely just looking beyond me) I really wish I wasn't so shy. I do want to meet people but I just don't know how to go about it. It just made me very sad and full of self-loathing.


How can I change my ways? Someone help me

 

[Fappy]

Find a legendary sword and transform into a he-man version of yourself. That's what I do.

 

[Thaluikhain]

Firstly, don't go for a quick fix you read somewhere. Also, most advice you get from net randoms will be crap, especially when it involves women, especially on a gaming site.

Secondly, and this is very important, ladies are human beings much the same as you are. Seriously, if you can talk to a human being, you can talk to a human being, even if that human being is female.

 

[Quiet Stranger]

Firstly, don't go for a quick fix you read somewhere. Also, most advice you get from net randoms will be crap, especially when it involves women, especially on a gaming site.

Secondly, and this is very important, ladies are human beings much the same as you are. Seriously, if you can talk to a human being, you can talk to a human being, even if that human being is female.

I know but I don't know who else to ask (we use to have a newspaper with a advice column in it but that paper was closed long time ago)


I don't know what to talk about though, not just girls but guys too, like the ones in public that you don't know. Just going up to them to try to make conversation stops my heart. I know there will be lots of chances to meet girls but I just felt like I completely wasted a big one.

 

[burningdragoon]

Well... I don't think I'll ever be awesome enough to just walk up to a random girl in a crowd and start chatting it up. So I wouldn't be much help there.

However, something that I tell/think to myself whenever I do something with confidence that at least makes me feel good like I'm bursting with awesome, manly self-confidence is "I'm a fucking rockstar". Literally.

So just do that. Before, after, whenever.

 

[Doclector]

It's a catch 22 for me. Apparantly, I need confidence to get anywhere. Knowing I'm 21 and still a virgin, about three years after 99% of the population would have gotten anywhere, however, kills any semblance of confidence I have regarding relationships.

However, something that I tell/think to myself whenever I do something with confidence that at least makes me feel good like I'm bursting with awesome, manly self-confidence is "I'm a fucking rockstar". Literally.

So just do that. Before, after, whenever.

I do know this helps. Thing is, the only thing I latch onto is that I've survived a lot of tough things. Girls aren't ultra attracted to violent tough guys though. Not when they look like me. In other situations, however, it does make things easier.

 

[Rastien]

Dude heres the best piece of advise i can offer, don't hate yourself be proud of who you are and make sure you are first happy with who you are.

If you are not happy, then change, become the person you want to be (easier said than done ill admit) but plan it all out take little steps, you want to go on a diet research and plan accordingly.

Sounds shit, but you gotta love yourself before you can expect others to love you.

In Tyler we trust.

 

[EeveeElectro]

thaluikhain is right on the money.

I wouldn't do stuff like staring creepily at them until they turn around and notice you doin' the creep and end up moving away from you. [sub]Happened to me once. Would have been funny if it wasn't so sad. Ended up having to ask my big scary looking friend to pose as my boyfriend because the other guy wouldn't stop following me and staring me down xP That's not the way to start a conversation.[/sub]
Just talk. Be friendly and nice. Don't think, "This girl is hot, I'm gonna try chat her up and hope she'll be my girlfriend" but rather, "I'd like to make friends with this girl."
I'd respond more positively to a guy just casually chatting than not-so-subtly flirting with me.

Talk to women you don't find attractive or don't want to pursue a relationship with (assuming your aim is to chat with the ladies you do fancy) even if you just become friends with them, it's more confidence to you when you want to talk to someone else.

Confidence takes a while to build up and friends of either gender should help you with that.
You just have to remember it's not as bad as you think, no one is laughing at you, you probably look better than you think you do and there will be someone out there who is interested in you.

You have to like yourself before others start liking you.

EDIT: Find common ground to talk about if you can.
Talk about the music that's playing. Talk about the phone she's got. If she's wearing a nerdy/funny shirt, talk about that.
It's small, but it's something and can lead on to more.

 

[HardkorSB]

Happy Canada Day everyone, I know I'm late but I forgot to say it yesterday.

So I had a terrible depressing Canada Day. I went down to where this free concert was going on (I was with some friends who were visiting from another province) mainly I was just there for my friends and the fireworks, didn't care much for the bands playing. There were SO many girls there at the concert and I don't have the courage to talk to any of them. I just have no confidence in myself at all and I'm very self-conscious, also paranoid (I sometimes think people are staring at me or pointing at me when they're most likely just looking beyond me) I really wish I wasn't so shy. I do want to meet people but I just don't know how to go about it. It just made me very sad and full of self-loathing.


How can I change my ways? Someone help me

Practice makes perfect.
Try talking to some women a few times. You'll most likely fail to impress them but you will gain experience. The worst thing that can happen is that some girl you don't know and will probably never see again will laugh at you. So what?
After doing this a certain amount of times (numbers vary from person to person), it will stop being this new unfamiliar thing and you'll get better at it. Once you've done it a few hundred times, it will become natural. You'll also find out what works and what doesn't.

Patience and determination is the key here. If you'll just stop after 4-5 tries then it will never work.
Just imagine that it's a form of level grinding.

 

[Colour Scientist]

I think one of the main ways to get over that is to try a few times, no matter how scary it seems.

Just try to talk to girls casually, even ones you're not attracted to, to ease yourself into it. Try friends of friends, maybe? Just strike up a conversation with no other intentions, try not to worry about where the conversation might lead and after a while you should become much more comfortable with the prospect of talking to random girls.

I guarantee you we aren't as scary as we seem to you right now. The more at ease you are with the situation, the more at ease the girl is going to be and I think practice is one of the most effective ways to boost your confidence. I think it's best to start in situations where sexual feelings won't be too much of an issue, it makes everything easier and less nerve-racking.

Also, if you do get a few rejections or try to talk to someone who has no interest in striking up a conversation, try not to be too disheartened. It's probably going to happen, it happens to everyone, and it really isn't a big deal.

 

[manic_depressive13]

Isn't it normal to not feel comfortable approaching random strangers for no reason? At worst you would have been snubbed because they were probably there to enjoy themselves with friends. At best you would have had a chat and then never spoken to them again, because even if they gave you their number you'd still be some guy they met at a concert once, and they'd quickly forget you and certainly not make time for you. If you want to meet new people it's best to do so in some sort of club or institution (like a book club, work or school) because after you're forced to meet up several times you warm up to each other and are more likely to want to get together outside the designated times.

 

[Lunatic High]

The problem with confidence is it can't just materialize outta thin air, its gotta have ground to grow from just like a plant, for me when I was younger I started taking karate but didn't like it so I switched to kickboxing, something like that, I'm sure it differs for yourself but confidence without ground is just bluster. The best kind of confidence is the quiet kind.

 

[Launcelot111]

The best advice I've been given is that no one cares what you do. I don't mean this in that you're insignificant or something, but if you go up to some girl you don't know, you can say whatever the hell you want with her. If she likes whatever you do and wants to hang out with you, then that's awesome. If she doesn't, then what does that affect? You'll likely never see her again, and there's not much of a chance that it'll affect you later if you made an ass of yourself. Thus, just take some initiative and start a conversation, but don't overthink it, and if nothing goes anywhere, then try and try again. Don't get so focused on impressing them that you shape your entire approach to accomodating them, just act like yourself and stick around if you're both enjoying yourselves.

 

[Thaluikhain]

The best advice I've been given is that no one cares what you do. I don't mean this in that you're insignificant or something, but if you go up to some girl you don't know, you can say whatever the hell you want with her. If she likes whatever you do and wants to hang out with you, then that's awesome. If she doesn't, then what does that affect? You'll likely never see her again, and there's not much of a chance that it'll affect you later if you made an ass of yourself. Thus, just take some initiative and start a conversation, but don't overthink it, and if nothing goes anywhere, then try and try again. Don't get so focused on impressing them that you shape your entire approach to accomodating them, just act like yourself and stick around if you're both enjoying yourselves.

I'd tend to mostly agree with that, but I'd add that it doesn't give you carte blanche. Just because you're sick of being single is no reason to pester or harass women in the hope of finding a girlfriend eventually, and it's not likely to work anyway.

 

[Chknboy]

You say "Hi my name is *insert name here*" Then pause, wait for her to introduce herself as well, if she doesn't immediately start to introduce herself say "What are you up to today?" this is better than asking "how's it going" because her response won't be "fine" which is a conversation killer. Congratulations you have hopefully started a conversation with a hot babe, stay calm, if she asks any questions be truthful, smile, and be interested. Also don't forget her name right after she says it!

If things go well and you have a nice conversation, even if you don't get a number or anything you will feel more confident in your ability to talk to girls.

 

[rob_simple]

Just meet people online first, it's easier to initially be yourself when you're not physically face to face; at least that's how I roll.

 

[Combustion Kevin]

I meet people regularly, yet have remained without a relationship in my twenties.
I'd LIKE to blame that on my ugly-ass face, but more likely it's my inability to be endearing or romantic.
Not that I don't try, mind you.

But here's the thing, even if I dont ever find myself a girlfriend it would not be total disaster, it would suck, sure, but there is so much more to life than just that.

Mankind prospers, and there is no need for off-spring as much as there used to be, I have plenty of friends to accompany me on this road called life, and if there is a girl among those comrades o' mine that would like to be my lover, that'd be great.
If not, so be it.

What I'm trying to say is that should'nt worry about it too much, enrich your life through other means as well.
That's not to say you should stop caring, apathy never made my life more pleasant and neither do I think it'd work for you.

Oh, and if anybody thinks less of you for feeling hurt when rejected, fuck em, tears mean you care, emotions are what makes us human, man or woman.

Now go forth, and seek your destiny!

 

[wooty]

This has always helped me with confidence around ze ladiez. Then again, I can really hold my drink.

Spoiler

[http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/593/yamazaki12.jpg/]

But in all seriousness, I dont know. Confidence is just something people can either summon up in a situation or are just naturally born with an unending supply of it.

 

[Skratt]

My advice is to find something you don't like about yourself and ask "what can I do to change this about myself?" Confidence is best when it comes from feeling good about yourself (aka self-esteem) rather than covering for the lack of self-esteem. If you lack self esteem people can usually tell, even if you try to hide it.

If you can't live with something, change it. If you can't change it, learn to live with it.

As long as you are being honest about yourself, don't worry about a few rejections. Just like you are attracted to certain body / personality types, women are too.