Confidence problems

[Flamezdudes]

I'm finding it incredibly hard to even attempt anything in my pursuit for this girl i'm attracted too. I've just been thinking if I should just tell her up straight up one night (we talk all the time online but very rarely at school since she's in different classes or is with her friends) about my feelings for her and whether she feels the same.

She's best friends with one of my own best friends and he's setting up a day where us three can go to the cinema together but even then i'd rather have some possible alone time to try and get better at talking to eachother in real life. I'm terrible at taking risks in life and always worry about consequences of things, even the smallest things and think up some sort of scenario where something will go wrong, so i'm not sure what to do.

I'm just at loss for idea's at the moment, it's incredibly frustrating. Help?

 

[TheGuiggleMonster]

The chances of something going wrong are probably lower over the internet. I know it's harder to think that doing this face-to-face is worse, but if you lack confidence than you're likely not to tell her when the time comes. I would suggest doing this as soon as possible and not over-thinking what you tell her. The longer you leave it, the more your confidence is likely to diminish. Go online and just say it straight.

 

[Flamezdudes]

The chances of something going wrong are probably lower over the internet. I know it's harder to think that doing this face-to-face is worse, but if you lack confidence than you're likely not to tell her when the time comes. I would suggest doing this as soon as possible and not over-thinking what you tell her. The longer you leave it, the more your confidence is likely to diminish. Go online and just say it straight.

People i know though have always recommended doing it in person though as it shows that you have more confidence and gives more respect... :/ I'm also incredibly worried that i'l get stuck in the "friend zone" as i reassure her often and talk to her about her problems occasionally.

 

[TheGuiggleMonster]

The chances of something going wrong are probably lower over the internet. I know it's harder to think that doing this face-to-face is worse, but if you lack confidence than you're likely not to tell her when the time comes. I would suggest doing this as soon as possible and not over-thinking what you tell her. The longer you leave it, the more your confidence is likely to diminish. Go online and just say it straight.

People i know though have always recommended doing it in person though as it shows that you have more confidence and gives more respect... :/

It does indeed show that you are confident for doing things face-to-face, but at the same time you say that you lack confidence so you probably won't be able to do this very easily. Also I don't see what's wrong with saying it online because if she cares for you at all she will understand your situation, and if she doesn't, it could go horribly badly but then again it's better than being humiliated infront of other people. Either way you can win or lose based on whether or not she likes you enough, but if you lose online the loss will be lower than in person.

 

[dragomort]

Sounds like you already know each other a bit and are willing to see each other and all. You lack the confidence to do it face-to-face as of yet, so going online should make it easier to collect your thoughts and all for it.

I'd suggest a realistic approach after going to the movie together and seeing how that goes and then acting from there.

If she seems into you or if she reacts like you're just another friend or even how that other friend reacts to you should all help you to see where you're at and how it's going/could go.

If it's going extremely well, you should gain the confidence to ask for round 2 while you're out directly to her in a more date-like fashion.

If it's going reasonably well, but you're still unsure, you can go to online asking afterward (Had a great time last night, how about x*? ).

If it goes poorly do the same thing in another fashion, i.e. Wish that would have gone better, but it can't happen twice in a row! How about we try x* instead next week!?

*where x is something else she'd be interested in doing and that you can then go towards

If it goes really poorly and she's disgusted by your physical presence for some reason or she shows no sign of being interested/talks about her boyfriend, then you know to cut your losses. If she rejects any of those other ideas out of hand without reciprocating an alternative or having an actual reason you also can draw decent inferences without being directly gutted.

 

[Flamezdudes]

Sounds like you already know each other a bit and are willing to see each other and all. You lack the confidence to do it face-to-face as of yet, so going online should make it easier to collect your thoughts and all for it.

I'd suggest a realistic approach after going to the movie together and seeing how that goes and then acting from there.

If she seems into you or if she reacts like you're just another friend or even how that other friend reacts to you should all help you to see where you're at and how it's going/could go.

If it's going extremely well, you should gain the confidence to ask for round 2 while you're out directly to her in a more date-like fashion.

If it's going reasonably well, but you're still unsure, you can go to online asking afterward (Had a great time last night, how about x*? ).

If it goes poorly do the same thing in another fashion, i.e. Wish that would have gone better, but it can't happen twice in a row! How about we try x* instead next week!?

*where x is something else she'd be interested in doing and that you can then go towards

If it goes really poorly and she's disgusted by your physical presence for some reason or she shows no sign of being interested/talks about her boyfriend, then you know to cut your losses. If she rejects any of those other ideas out of hand without reciprocating an alternative or having an actual reason you also can draw decent inferences without being directly gutted.

Some good idea's... thank you.

It's quite difficult to tell whether you likes me or not however. I'm terrible at understanding behavior.

 

[dragomort]

Some good idea's... thank you.

It's quite difficult to tell whether you likes me or not however. I'm terrible at understanding behavior.

If she didn't like you at least as a friend you wouldn't be invited along to the movie. Thus, you should feel safe in being yourself. The only real question that would develop is if she's interested in anything else, thus inviting her along on something at the conclusion to do alone together.

Saying you had a great time or would like to do something like that again after the fact gives you an easy in for a next time, but you do need to put out feelers. If you suggest going to a movie next week or whatever and can gauge the reaction in a completely non-committal fashion to both of you and you can plan it as a group activity as well so that she'll be more amiable to you suggesting going alone in the future. I suppose I'm limiting it to movies there, but it's available for any date-activities you can think of or she's into. More importantly though, you're seriously limiting the positives of a friend being on-hand to assist can provide (assuming she's not into the friend.... which should give you an answer right there too).

You can then arrange it to be a dinner and a movie, you can get her likes and dislikes to fashion any kind of future date and can get how she's reacting from a more objective party while simultaneously shielding you from any faux pas or embarrassment as you're in a group as opposed to a date. I'd say make it dinner and a movie and try to get her to talk about what she likes to eat or a movie she wants to catch and saying you've never had that/want to catch that too and making plans. If nothing else make it with the 3 of you and then get the mutual friend to back out and then put out feelers for her reaction

 

[lemiel14n3]

I agree with Aylaine, you can drag this out as long as you want, but doing so isn't going to help anyone.

Just ask her.

As for general advice on improving confidence, exercise works wonders in that area, a myriad number of studies have shown that a good amount of exercise does wonders for your self image.

 

[SiskoBlue]

I'm terrible at taking risks in life and always worry about consequences of things, even the smallest things and think up some sort of scenario where something will go wrong, so i'm not sure what to do.

I'm just at loss for idea's at the moment, it's incredibly frustrating. Help?

I feel for you, I really do, but the crux of the matter is right there.. I'm terrible at taking risks in life. It's a hard fact but few successes will just fall into your lap. The only thing that can go wrong here is she says no. That's it. Would it really be that devastating? You go to the movies with your friend, if you get a chance to talk to her one-to-one you just say "Any chance just the two of us could hang out sometime?" If she says yes then get her phone number, if she seems uncertain just say "don't worry about it, it was just a thought".... done.

The rest is just dancing around the issue and is the death of a thousand cuts. Believe me, I know it's easy to give this advice and a lot harder to do it but nothing feels better than getting out of your safety zone and actually taking a chance at something. Even if she's says no you've made a big step.

Good luck.

 

[Flamezdudes]

Some good idea's... thank you.

It's quite difficult to tell whether you likes me or not however. I'm terrible at understanding behavior.

If she didn't like you at least as a friend you wouldn't be invited along to the movie. Thus, you should feel safe in being yourself. The only real question that would develop is if she's interested in anything else, thus inviting her along on something at the conclusion to do alone together.

Saying you had a great time or would like to do something like that again after the fact gives you an easy in for a next time, but you do need to put out feelers. If you suggest going to a movie next week or whatever and can gauge the reaction in a completely non-committal fashion to both of you and you can plan it as a group activity as well so that she'll be more amiable to you suggesting going alone in the future. I suppose I'm limiting it to movies there, but it's available for any date-activities you can think of or she's into. More importantly though, you're seriously limiting the positives of a friend being on-hand to assist can provide (assuming she's not into the friend.... which should give you an answer right there too).

You can then arrange it to be a dinner and a movie, you can get her likes and dislikes to fashion any kind of future date and can get how she's reacting from a more objective party while simultaneously shielding you from any faux pas or embarrassment as you're in a group as opposed to a date. I'd say make it dinner and a movie and try to get her to talk about what she likes to eat or a movie she wants to catch and saying you've never had that/want to catch that too and making plans. If nothing else make it with the 3 of you and then get the mutual friend to back out and then put out feelers for her reaction

Well technically, I kinda got my friend to set this up since I told him about me wanting to actually try doing something instead of just wondering all the time. So he set up a time for us three to go to the cinema together. They've been best friends for ages now and I'm pretty sure she's not interested in him, so no worries there.

From what she's told me, she likes one of my other best friends and has done for a while now. He says she told him recently that she is trying to get over him, so maybe now is my chance, but I doubt she'd tell me something like that if she liked me. Also, according to one of our other mutual friends, she likes funny guys mostly (from what I can tell, thats definatly true), of which I am definatly not. It just gets so complicated...

 

[dragomort]

No worries. If it isn't complicated before hand it definitely becomes so later on anyhow!

I think you're well served by asking it as a casual thing and seeing the response or at least going on this feeler date and actively gauging things with your friend playing wingman to cover any potential embarrassment. She very well may not be interested in you that way, but if you really want it to work with no regrets you'll have to find out somehow. That doesn't mean throwing all your cards down recklessly, but it doesn't mean blushing/stammering to yourself until someone else makes a move on her either. You have some active time together and a friend for backup, just don't freak yourself out on it all and you'll be fine regardless. Every relationship has at least a few lol-moments, especially in the beginning. And don't worry about what you're going to say or anything- if it feels right, then the words will come up on their own and the feeling is what will work more than anything you could likely plan, assuming it's mutual. If it doesn't feel right for either of you, then worst case is that you've got friends to talk it over with and you'll learn something out of it anyway.

Another method if you're really that nervous on the whole thing might be to forget about the whole dating thing and just treat it as friends going out and see how your feelings or her feelings go from there. It might seem a bit defeatist for this relationship to go to the dreaded friend status, I know, but it would at least get you comfortable being with a woman you find attractive and if there is any mutual attraction then you'd find yourselves going out or at least learn to see the signals anyway.

 

[Cheesus333]

If it's risks you're struggling with, then perhaps some advice a friend of mine once gave me would help. He told me that, in times like that - be it asking out a girl or stepping out of a plane over a war-torn area you need to 'chute into - then you can swallow your pride, just for a moment, and pretend that everything that's going on is a dream. That way, you don't panic about the consequences. If it goes well, then great! If not, you tried, and it'll be easier to initiate that famous "fuck it, let's do this" feeling next time you need to.

Also, something I find is that the more you toss it around in your head, the less likely you are to do it. So if you really do intend to, you should do it soon before you talk yourself out of it. So to speak.

 

[zombiesinc]

I'm terrible at taking risks in life and always worry about consequences of things, even the smallest things and think up some sort of scenario where something will go wrong, so i'm not sure what to do.

I'm just at loss for idea's at the moment, it's incredibly frustrating. Help?

There won't really be any consequences for letting her know how you feel. She may not feel the same way, but that certainly isn't a consequence. It'll feel shit for a short period of time if it goes this way, but eventually you won't even think about it. Plus, it's better to express your feelings to her and know exactly how she feels towards you. On the other hand, she may feel the same way, and you'll end up kicking yourself in a not-so-serious way that you didn't tell her sooner. Regardless of how it goes, you'll know where you stand, and in turn know how to progress from there.

Is it possible to spend some alone time with her before or after the movie? At least that way you don't have to make separate plans with her, where she may not be available. When you manage to get that alone time, simply let her know how you feel. Don't worry so much about how to express it, or how she'll react, just focus on being clear about your feelings. Best of luck.

 

[ComprehensiveGoo]

Oh this is all very familier to a situation I was once in.. Now you may find me repeating advice that's already been given in this post but that's only because I'm too lazy/impatient to read the whole thread properly, wish I could but I'm just feeling reletivly meh at the moment so a breif skim will have to do =P.

But to the point! Basically I wouldn't recommend trying to talk it via the internet, it screams chicken. Besides it'll seem wierd if you're already friends with this girl. I agree entierly with the sooner rather than later idea since confidence does tend to run out through your foot, and I say that in relation to everyone! I had the exact same thing when I was hung up on this girl who I met at one of my friends birthday parties. Had the chance to drop the like bomb on her a couple of weeks later after a few getting to know ya sessions (turns out she was in my tutor the whole time!) and I just couldn't.. From that day after it got harder and harder.. Essentially, if I were in your shoes, I'd bounce the idea of her (if that makes sense)but one idea I support more than anytihng in this thread, and kudos for all of those who said it, is to tell her how you feel. If that girl I mentioned before I took forever going about it and in the end after lots of blind words it turnned out to be a no. Months of "hard work" gone to waste but then I met the girl I'm with now.. And I cannot hit home the point more that honesty was indeed the best policy! Best of luck to ya!

These guys seem to know what I'm talking about

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gwtb8fPOWLo