Conspiracy Theories You Find Kind Of...Funny?

[iwinatlife]

Ancient aliens. Has to be ancient aliens. Mainly because it leads to the other awesome conspiracy theory of interdimensional demons and underground Reptilians.

Well, it has to be true, because people thousands of years ago couldn't possibly have figured out how to build structures which involve putting stones on top of each other with a large base that narrows to a point(Pyramids). Nope, must have been aliens.

Oh yeah... If the best buildings aliens have is square footed, triangular prism-esque structures I think we have more to give to them than they do to us.

"We will give you the secrets to faster than light travel..."

"Um.... we could teach you to build with ideas towards proper load bearing internal supports, to create structures that maximise utility, increase usable space, and reduce land usage...?"

"What architectural magic is this!?"

Basically... if the pyramids are proof of alien intervention, it means aliens are 4 channers looking for intergalactic kek. And I think we all know that would involve leaving their mother's basement, and that's a commitment they aren't willing to make.

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Don't forget about ancient alien nuclear warfare against humans on the Indian subcontinent and prehistoric human flight w/ alien tech! :]

Ancient alien conspiracy theories are awesome.

Ah see I had always heard that it wasnt the fact that pyramids were pyramids its that they were so perfectly built with multi ton blocks of stone was the reason it was "Clearly Aliens"

 

[Thaluikhain]

Ah see I had always heard that it wasnt the fact that pyramids were pyramids its that they were so perfectly built with multi ton blocks of stone was the reason it was "Clearly Aliens"

As an aside, that sort of thing isn't new. Stonehenge was supposedly built by an extinct race of giants, whereas the pantheon was built by demons. Nowdays aliens seem to have the monopoly.

 

[Addendum_Forthcoming]

Ah see I had always heard that it wasnt the fact that pyramids were pyramids its that they were so perfectly built with multi ton blocks of stone was the reason it was "Clearly Aliens"

They weren't even 'perfectly built', though .... it's a pile of stone blocks. Physically hard to build, but people should work smarter ... not harder. A bottom heavy pile of overlapping stones that are partly excavated is easier to structurally engineer than a free standing tower of similar heights. Even the medieval Tuscans had trouble with that, as is quite evident. The basis of their design came from old mastaba-style tombs which are basically steep-faced pyramids if you cut off the tops.

But yeah ... supposed archaeologists; "Clearly aliens..." indeed.

 

[PainInTheAssInternet]

I once read someone ask quite accusingly how it is Lloyd's of London [https://www.lloyds.com/] came to insure so many things. I mean, really.

SNIP

SNIP

In my experience, conspiracy theorists are people who want to feel smarter than anybody else. They take a lot of joy in tearing down the astonishing accomplishments of others and ignoring people who are knowledgeable on the subject because "If I can't do it, it's impossible." They will frequently go on about how well-researched they are and everyone else is an idiot even though their resource pool deliberately omits anything reliable (i.e., they watch YouTube videos and frequent conspiracy blogs exclusively). Extra points when they can't form a proper paragraph to save their life.

 

[Tiger King]

I'm going with chem trails, mostly because I know someone that believes in it. When challenged on his views he can never explain what the end game of these Chem trails actually is.

Same with flat earthers, I'm sure most are trolls but assuming there are some believers out there, why would every scientific organisation out there lie?
I can picture the people at nasa having a discussion about it
'Hold up guys we can't let this get out, that the world is flat!!'
'Didn't people used to think the world was flat ages ago?'

 

[Silentpony_v1legacy]

Aliens.

People who think aliens have visited earth don't understand how interplanetary civilizations work. Think about how long we've been looking for them, sending out probes and radio messages. Wouldn't it be fair to assume that aliens tried the same thing? They wanted to find alien life too. So why haven't we seen their radio messages? Why haven't we seen traffic? Nuclear activity? Satellites? Etc...

The signs for an interplanetary civilization can't be hid. We'd see it for decades if not hundreds of years before first encounter. Its impossible not to.

 

[Addendum_Forthcoming]

As an aside, that sort of thing isn't new. Stonehenge was supposedly built by an extinct race of giants, whereas the pantheon was built by demons. Nowdays aliens seem to have the monopoly.

I don't know ... "aliens are interdimensional demons" was really popular for a few years. It combined all the gloriousness of Christian religiosity, visiting aliens, and the Rapture all in one.

 

[Cowabungaa]

People who think aliens have visited earth don't understand how interplanetary civilizations work.

In their 'defence'; nobody does, because we know of none to understand.

 

[Quellist]

Flat Earth is hilarious once you get to the stuff about the Ice Wall and Ice Wall guards, I've even heard theories about robot penguins and polar bears tossed around

 

[Silentpony_v1legacy]

People who think aliens have visited earth don't understand how interplanetary civilizations work.

In their 'defense'; nobody does, because we know of none to understand.

I'm working off the assumption that at some point said interplanetary civilization wasn't interplanetary. They had their alien NASA, alien Sputnik, alien Voyager, alien I love Lucy. Everything we've done in space its fair to assume they've done something similar.
And aliens for light-years around can pick us up. You can see the radio traffic, listen in to I love Lucy and Welcome to Nightvale, detect nuclear detonations in atmosphere, see satellites and the ISS.

The signs that humans are on Earth are irreparably clear. If aliens were even more advanced than us they'd be a beacon for half the galaxy. Dyson spheres, mining of asteroids, planet-to-planet transmissions, inevitable cosmic wars, signs of system wide colonization. They'd have seen it in the 50s with the first radio telescopes.

 

[Addendum_Forthcoming]

The signs that humans are on Earth are irreparably clear. If aliens were even more advanced than us they'd be a beacon for half the galaxy. Dyson spheres, mining of asteroids, planet-to-planet transmissions, inevitable cosmic wars, signs of system wide colonization. They'd have seen it in the 50s with the first radio telescopes.

I think the most damning you can say is; "We are not alone ... we are effectively alone." Without going into a long winded explanation chances are we'll never run into anything that is sapient like us, that Star Trek is impossible. And I honestly don't understand why people want to run into an alien species as smart or possibly smarter than us. That would be fucking terrifying.

If life is so forgiving that we survive to see sapient life that resembles our noble selves, then I don't want to contemplate the ramifications of what that means.

Better to be alone. Better to assume we're the all-conquering and without competition.

 

[sageoftruth]

Flat Earth. Gravity doesn't exist, folks! Earth just accelerates upward!

"B...but if the Earth isn't flat... th...then why don't the people in Australia fall off it?"

It wasn't spoken exactly like that of course, but in a nutshell, that was one flat Earth guy's defense. After talking about how we're all being manipulated by the cult of science, he held a model plane over a globe and made it travel from the US to Australia. Then he mentioned, "Now, if I bring the plane back to the US, it's now upside down. Checkmate." It takes a special brand of sheltered to be a flat Earth guy.

Then there was the guy who actually challenged the idea that the Earth rotates, going "If the Earth rotates, then why don't we just stop our planes in mid flight and let China come to us?"

 

[MCerberus]

Re: Hollow earth.
Remember the time that the US almost funded an arctic expedition with a hollow-earther wanting to be emissary to the mole people.

Or the attached conspiracy theory that the Nazis fled via Antarctica and took over the underverse

 

[Silentpony_v1legacy]

The signs that humans are on Earth are irreparably clear. If aliens were even more advanced than us they'd be a beacon for half the galaxy. Dyson spheres, mining of asteroids, planet-to-planet transmissions, inevitable cosmic wars, signs of system wide colonization. They'd have seen it in the 50s with the first radio telescopes.

I think the most damning you can say is; "We are not alone ... we are effectively alone." Without going into a long winded explanation chances are we'll never run into anything that is sapient like us, that Star Trek is impossible.

And I honestly don't understand why people want to run into an alien species as smart or possibly smarter than us. That would be fucking terrifying.

Running into an alien snake? Cute! Alien puppy? Awesome! Alien hominid? Kill it with nuclear fire.

If humanity runs into anything as intelligent as the Bugs from Starship Troopers, we're more than likely fucked and destined never to be masters of our existence. We'll have to share greatness ... share the beauty of intelligent life and the responsibility that it should bring upon our shoulders. And that is terrifying to comprehend.

Better to be alone. Better to assume we're the all-conquering and without competition.

My personal view has always been its a Galaxy of monsters. Much more likely we'll find some alpha predator than Martians.

Spoiler: Xenomorph

Spoiler: Arachnid

 

[sageoftruth]

One of my favorite in bits of conspiracy theory reasoning is the "Super Secret Organization X exists because theses clues symbolically represent it" argument. You know, stuff like "When you put these numbers together, you get 666" or "When you combine these photos, you get the eye of the Illuminati".

Because naturally all super secret organizations have the mindset of the Riddler from Batman and can't resist leaving clues so people with too much time on their hands can find them.

 

[Thaluikhain]

I'm working off the assumption that at some point said interplanetary civilization wasn't interplanetary. They had their alien NASA, alien Sputnik, alien Voyager, alien I love Lucy. Everything we've done in space its fair to assume they've done something similar.
And aliens for light-years around can pick us up. You can see the radio traffic, listen in to I love Lucy and Welcome to Nightvale, detect nuclear detonations in atmosphere, see satellites and the ISS.

Not from light years away, you can't, or at least, not for many. The ISS is less than 20 years old, even assuming they could spot an ISS sized shape 20 light years away, the light wouldn't have got there yet. Light from cities at night, maybe, but they'd be far too small to actually see. Likewise, while radio signals have been sent from Earth for a few decades, a few dozen light years out the signal wold be awfully faint.

 

[Addendum_Forthcoming]

My personal view has always been its a Galaxy of monsters. Much more likely we'll find some alpha predator than Martians.

Spoiler: Xenomorph

Spoiler: Arachnid

My view is that it's an extremely unpopulated galaxy. I've always been a big believer in the "life is hard" answer to the Fermi paradox. Partly because I want it to be true. If we discover life on Mars, it will kill part of my soul. I'll be excited for the discovery, but the existential dread will be palpable the more I think about it. Not only that, I mean all human civilization is basically a gift of the Holocene period. When the Holocene inevitably ends, most of human civilization will probably go with it. Most of us, most of our industry, probably wouldn't survive a new ice age... and a new ice age is inevitable because, well ... that's the status quo of Pleistocene era that preceeded the Holocene.

Not only that but you probably wouldn't have had sapient life on any other type of world, either, that didn't allow this level of ... how to say, flexibility of this type of crisis?

I mean, Earth itself isn't even a super habitable world right now, or ever. Looking at its temperature differentials, its star, its orbit, its moon, composition of the crust, total water .... Earth is provenly a fantastic place to live and any alien civilization could see that just looking at our atmosphere, but it's not as good as it could hypothetically be. If aliens were looking for life, they'd know it just speculating about our atmosphere that Living Things Be Here... but astronomers suggest that another planet could feasibly be more hospitable to life at this point in its life time.

It could be that humans were a fluke, and that we're really early to the party?

Hypothetically we could have gotten to the party, but we're the first to potentially arrive. It hasn't been that long since the birth of the universe and the minimum length of time for something like us to emerge?

 

[Dalisclock]

One of my favorite in bits of conspiracy theory reasoning is the "Super Secret Organization X exists because theses clues symbolically represent it" argument. You know, stuff like "When you put these numbers together, you get 666" or "When you combine these photos, you get the eye of the Illuminati".

Because naturally all super secret organizations have the mindset of the Riddler from Batman and can't resist leaving clues so people with too much time on their hands can find them.

Damn, I'd forgotten the Numerologist nuts. Especially the ones who can manipulate any set of data to get 666, oblivious to the fact this proves nothing other then the fact they understand how to do basic math.

 

[Silentpony_v1legacy]

SNIP

I take a similar, but different view. My answer was always intelligence was the great barrier. That life is easy and abundant, relatively speaking, but being intelligent isn't really an evolutionary advantage. Bigger teeth, stronger hide, faster, stronger, more children, etc...Only on a select few worlds will intelligence make you top of the food chain, and even then its a crap-shoot if it worked.

I think we'll find life out there eventually. Loads of it. But it'll be bacteria, single celled, maybe some fish, possibly something like a spider or ant. Once we may even find an alien reptile. But nothing intelligent. Nothing that we'd consider smarter than a toad or a snake that does crossword puzzles.

We're not the only life in the Galaxy, but we're very much alone.

The most ancient of fossils we have show that life started almost the second the earth cooled enough. Which tells me life came here from asteroids and meteors. Seeded. So I'm guessing life has been 'seeded' almost everywhere, but almost never takes, and even then you reach our level of sophistication once per galaxy.

 

[Addendum_Forthcoming]

Because naturally all super secret organizations have the mindset of the Riddler from Batman and can't resist leaving clues so people with too much time on their hands can find them.

If I had the money, I'd set up a secret organization where people dress and talk like Frank Gorshin's the Riddler. The world needs more quirkyness.

I take a similar, but different view. My answer was always intelligence was the great barrier. That life is easy and abundant, relatively speaking, but being intelligent isn't really an evolutionary advantage. Bigger teeth, stronger hide, faster, stronger, more children, etc...Only on a select few worlds will intelligence make you top of the food chain, and even then its a crap-shoot if it worked.

I think we'll find life out there eventually. Loads of it. But it'll be bacteria, single celled, maybe some fish, possibly something like a spider or ant. Once we may even find an alien reptile. But nothing intelligent. Nothing that we'd consider smarter than a toad or a snake that does crossword puzzles.

We're not the only life in the Galaxy, but we're very much alone.

The most ancient of fossils we have show that life started almost the second the earth cooled enough. Which tells me life came here from asteroids and meteors. Seeded. So I'm guessing life has been 'seeded' almost everywhere, but almost never takes, and even then you reach our level of sophistication once per galaxy.

Oh, I don't query the idea that life exists out there. I just don't want to find it on a whole bunch of hostile chunks of rocks floating in space. Find it on worlds somewhat like our own ... that's okay. On every planet like Mars? No. I also don't want to ever meet an alien smart enough to do a crossword puzzle. Maybe using a stick to collect space ants without getting bitten ... not one with an organised language with systematic rules of formulation.

Then totally going Mobile Infantry.

To put it into perspective ... let's say you as part of a very early expedition craft come out to see Earth on a trip that takes 300 years in something like cryo-sleep ... you run into us just before the Industrial Revolution. Knowing full well it's 300 years back, and 300 years to return?

Just imagine what a challenge that species might present...