conufsed About idenity

[Rosiv]

Wall of text about personal life, a bit disorganized, TLDR below.

Spoiler

Im not sure where to start really. I guess i might page back to childhood (ages 8-9ish). I had a recurring dream that related to a pokemon episode about Ash "having" to dress as a girl to get his 4th gym badge. And i would in this dream, be in ash's place, forced on some treadmill until i slipped up, and was put into a machine, and turned into a girl, or at least wearing a dress, it was a young age for me, so the differences on male/female are ones i werent too keen on.

And i also was beat i guess, for being weird. One time my brother was experimenting with himself, and my father thought i was doing so as well, so we were beat for quite a while, while he said things about "being faggots" and the like. And then we were punished later on with something, although what i cant remember.

I also found myself wanting to tryout my mothers makeup and bras/panties/shoes around age 12ish. I did try her bras on at once, felt negligible, but i didnt have tits, so it wasnt being worn right i guess.

And as a child i guess i was always kind of "eccentric" or for lack of a better word, and im sorry if this offends anyone, "faggy". I would be hyperbolic with my gestures and be silly in general. I was also the weird kid too, and also when i was in 6th grade, i was mistaken for a girl a bit, due to my small frame, androgynous hair.



Around middle school/high school, i made some friends, and i guess i could use the word suppressed, but i think moderate might be better. I broke off with all of them at the end of high school for personal reasons. But during our freindship they always thought i was a bit "gay". One of them even told me it was "ok to come out", and i was a bit put off by that, for i didnt think of me being gay.

Even during a 10th grade presentation, because of my "eccentricsness" the entire class thought i was. And when i made a joke in class about "being in love" with one of my friends, everyone thought i was serious, even though i wasnt.

I got my own PC at this time as well, and started watching porn, as i was curious, but i only did lesbian hentai porn, for i though the other porn would be "gay". I guess you could call that me being self conscious.



I guess around the end of high school, my friend introduced me to the escapist, and i lurked for a while. I chanced upon an ongoing "Get to know a transgender" thread, or something of the like.
They had trans members of the escapist coming out, and i felt weird seeing some of their photos. Some of them passed more than others i guess. And i couldn't stop reading it. At the time, i though trans people were a bit weird, possibly confused gay people, but reading their testimonials my mindset changed a bit. I also found myself attracted to some of the photos, which made me feel a bit bad, for i wasnt sure what i was exactly attracted to.

Alot of the trans members got banned from that thread due to it drawing heavy contention, and that lead me to do research else where, like watching "trans-porn" or "regular porn" instead of lesbian porn. And also googling random things about trans people, and surfing reddit's trans forms to read more about them.

Seeing trans people documentaries on youtube was a bit werid too, i felt like maybe i could be one of them. And i would very recently now dream of comming out to my mother/family, and they all accept me perfectly, and i can walk around as a women full time. And that would seem nice, but in reality, those are just my daydreams, at night, my acutal dreams involve me comming out, and being harrased by my mother constantly. Her telling me that, "im just confused" , or just showing general spite. I would lose the respect of my little brothers and my older brother might be ok, but angry since he would be probably be pestered via my mother about "talking to me about it". And my little sister might just see me as a joke. I then imagine me comming out to my dormmates, only to be thought of as weird. I mean my roommate is gay, so he wouldn't mind maybe, but everyone else probably would. The girls next door certainly wouldnt leave me be unless i could pass reasonably well, which i dont think i can with this body atm. And then i picture walking outside, and hearing backtalk like, "look at the tranny" or " what a werido". And i dont mind being called werid, but i would mind it if it was just for the transgenderism.


I also recently attended a LGBTA meeting at my campus, it was ok, but everyone seemed to know each other there. And it seemed a bit to informal/ tight knit for me, so i left. They did mention they had gender netural dorms, but that seems like such a hassle for something im not even sure of.

And i guess even more so recently, ive begun to wonder what turns me on exactly, girls with penis's? I watched a bit, and was aroused, so maybe. Also i can watch regular porn to and get aroused, the only porn i havent tried was gay porn specifically, but i probably could get off to that too, so maybe im bi or something, for sometimes i picture myself pleasuring a man, and being aroused by it too. I dont really care about my sexuality though, id rather be more comfortable in my gender.



I guess we now are at present time, where i am a transfer at a small college, a bit far from home. Ive begun to question my sexuality/gender due to past events, and i guess am looking for some guidelines for this thing. Ive heard the whole, "see a professional" or "talk to someone" line. And i guess im doing the later.Ive thought about dressing in female cloths to test the water, but with limited income, and the fact that i need to buy male attire for internships, i dont think that will be happening very soon, also living in a dorm doesnt help either. And i guess crossdressing in general seems a bit werid. When i think about it, it turns me on a bit, and i was reading that that could be a indication of "erotic crossdressing". I woudlnt want to be a crossdresser though, i would want to be a women. Im not sure why exactly, i feel that being a crossdresser would be a bit hollow, where as being seen as women would be nice. I mean i would still be as nerdy and lame as i am, but just with a girl's body, crossdressing would only be my cloths.

TLDR: Confused about myself, am i trans, gay, cross dresser(erotic/non erotic) , whatever?

 

[Frezzato]

I don't know why I like the Advice corner here. Possibly because there's a zero-tolerance policy towards jerks. Regardless, I think you'll find this link helpful. It's a start. Radiolab is also just a damn good listen.

Radiolab - New Stu [http://www.radiolab.org/2009/oct/19/new-stu/]. Or if you prefer, the full one-hour episode is here [http://www.radiolab.org/2009/oct/19/]. I think that story might be a bad example simply because it's rare for a community to embrace someone. In that case, it was an existing community accepting the secret of one of their own. These kind of events are pretty unpredictable, but I'm glad things turned out well for him.

As you are well aware, there are a few transgender users on The Escapist. I think it would benefit you to contact them, although everyone's situation is different. As with everything online, the standard rules apply. Don't let too many personal details slip, especially on public forums. Online communities may accept you (most of them [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/18.826985-Would-you-support-a-cure-for-homosexuality-and-transexualism?page=1], anyway), but potential employers may not be so open minded [http://www.wegiveadamn.org/issues/workplace-discrimination/]. I wouldn't do stuff like post on Facebook or anything like that. I think it would be wise to err on the side of caution. Take things slow.

If I have surmised correctly, I believe you're a college student, correct? I doubt you'll find any meaningful advice or direction from anyone other than a health councilor, and even then it would probably only be a referral. And even then, I doubt you'll be able to find good help in the form of doctors or counselors. This may turn into a very long journey for you. In which case...

[...]
I also recently attended a LGBTA meeting at my campus, it was ok, but everyone seemed to know each other there. And it seemed a bit to informal/ tight knit for me, so i left. They did mention they had gender netural dorms, but that seems like such a hassle for something im not even sure of....

I would attempt going to those meetings again, bearing in mind that they're all young like you. That's not to say I discount anyone's feelings about their gender identity, it's just that when people are that young, it might be hard to find a source of information you can rely on. If anything, I would go just for the support and community.

 

[Rosiv]

I would attempt going to those meetings again, bearing in mind that they're all young like you. That's not to say I discount anyone's feelings about their gender identity, it's just that when people are that young, it might be hard to find a source of information you can rely on. If anything, I would go just for the support and community.

Id honestly rather not. I wasnt sure if there were trans people or not their, but when the topic of transgenderism in general came up, they all gave some rote response about, treating them "fairly" and that "their identity is none of our business". I mean, im not sure i should of expected something different. But with the flamboyant gays, and the constant levity, it just didn't seem to gel with a anti-social person like me. I didnt even stay the first time for the whole meeting, they had a group exercise and i just left.

And ya i am a college student, and just recently my roomate decided to move out, so now i got my room to myself. Not sure if thats a boon or a curse atm, since he was the only person i really HAD to talk to in my day to day grind.

 

[Rosiv]

And now my roommates offered my alchol, and i took it, it tastes really bad, and ive had like 2. Im not evn sure why im typing this. I just feel so bad about ikt.

 

[Frezzato]

And now my roommates offered my alchol, and i took it, it tastes really bad, and ive had like 2. Im not evn sure why im typing this. I just feel so bad about ikt.

I wouldn't feel too bad. Unless it's Rolling Rock. Or Heineken. Blech.

Id honestly rather not. I wasnt sure if there were trans people or not their, but when the topic of transgenderism in general came up, they all gave some rote response about, treating them "fairly" and that "their identity is none of our business". I mean, im not sure i should of expected something different. But with the flamboyant gays, and the constant levity, it just didn't seem to gel with a anti-social person like me. I didnt even stay the first time for the whole meeting, they had a group exercise and i just left.

What I really meant was that people in general tend to lose effectiveness in certain groups. That line from Fight Club, where both Rupert and--what the hell was her name? Marla. Rupert and Marla are both admitting why they love to go to groups; that's the only time they felt someone was actually listening to them and not just waiting for their turn to say speak. Well, at least groups where they think you're dying. I think that's kind of true. I've only been to a couple regular groups though, nothing for terminal illnesses.

Any other sort of support group tends to turn almost social, if not a constant game of 'I want to talk now'. There's certain groups like AA, but that's got a big religious aspect to it, and I've heard that AA can be fairly effective in providing support. There have to be other groups out there that are just as serious.

I'm more than willing to bet that there is some sort of support group, specifically for transgender support, in your state. Problem is that it might be in a major city, and that might pose a problem. If anything, I think making the trip would be a, well a special trip for you, for lack of a better word. I would plan that out, find one that's listed as anonymous, and make it to a meeting. Now, I may be overreacting, but I would:

Make that trip alone. Don't tell anyone where it is you're going, unless it's a far trip or to a bad part of town. In that case, tell one person, someone you would entrust with the life of a family member. People talk, and they blab. You need to speak to someone who knows what they're talking about; you don't need 3rd party, speculative rumors being thrown about, especially when you just have questions. This is potentially the start of a major life change for you, so I think it's critical that you get to where you need to be, no matter where that is, with as little outside influence as possible.

Also, did you contact one of the Escapists that are openly transgender? I can't remember her name, but she seems very...cool. Honestly, she just seems cool.

 

[Rosiv]

And now my roommates offered my alchol, and i took it, it tastes really bad, and ive had like 2. Im not evn sure why im typing this. I just feel so bad about ikt.

I wouldn't feel too bad. Unless it's Rolling Rock. Or Heineken. Blech.

Id honestly rather not. I wasnt sure if there were trans people or not their, but when the topic of transgenderism in general came up, they all gave some rote response about, treating them "fairly" and that "their identity is none of our business". I mean, im not sure i should of expected something different. But with the flamboyant gays, and the constant levity, it just didn't seem to gel with a anti-social person like me. I didnt even stay the first time for the whole meeting, they had a group exercise and i just left.

What I really meant was that people in general tend to lose effectiveness in certain groups. That line from Fight Club, where both Rupert and--what the hell was her name? Marla. Rupert and Marla are both admitting why they love to go to groups; that's the only time they felt someone was actually listening to them and not just waiting for their turn to say speak. Well, at least groups where they think you're dying. I think that's kind of true. I've only been to a couple regular groups though, nothing for terminal illnesses.

Any other sort of support group tends to turn almost social, if not a constant game of 'I want to talk now'. There's certain groups like AA, but that's got a big religious aspect to it, and I've heard that AA can be fairly effective in providing support. There have to be other groups out there that are just as serious.

I'm more than willing to bet that there is some sort of support group, specifically for transgender support, in your state. Problem is that it might be in a major city, and that might pose a problem. If anything, I think making the trip would be a, well a special trip for you, for lack of a better word. I would plan that out, find one that's listed as anonymous, and make it to a meeting. Now, I may be overreacting, but I would:

Make that trip alone. Don't tell anyone where it is you're going, unless it's a far trip or to a bad part of town. In that case, tell one person, someone you would entrust with the life of a family member. People talk, and they blab. You need to speak to someone who knows what they're talking about; you don't need 3rd party, speculative rumors being thrown about, especially when you just have questions. This is potentially the start of a major life change for you, so I think it's critical that you get to where you need to be, no matter where that is, with as little outside influence as possible.

Also, did you contact one of the Escapists that are openly transgender? I can't remember her name, but she seems very...cool. Honestly, she just seems cool.

I feel silly for typing that drunk post, im not sure if i was even drunk or maybe i was depressed. It was a few bud lights btw. And a while back i contacted a few, like around the time i entered the escapist, but i think they responded with something along the lines of it being a bit too personal. And i think it may be.

And as for making a trip, im unemployed, with no money, well baring 60$. Ive just been having alot of doubt on everything, maybe its a sign of OCD in general, wouldnt that be more likely? But when i think about having OCD, i also cant really eliminate the possibility of transgenderism or homosexuality. There ARE OCD trans and gay people, but the odds for any are low in general.
And i feel like a trans person would just tell me, "experiment, blah, blah" or "maybe ur genderqueer". Ive been reading those trans fourms for help for a year or two now, the theme is pretty recursive.

Thing is though id rather not be gender queer, and being gay would be kind of negligible, when i think about it, id like to be a women, but maybe thats just my confirmation bias speaking to me. Self judging is pretty impossible, and i wouldnt wanna pay some shrink to do that for me.

 

[Chromatic Aberration]

Ah Rosiv, Rosiv, Rosiv...been seeing what you write for a while now and you have been a force of good in all those threads where I saw you post. You are a good person - don't let this shit get you down. You'll find your way and realize what it is you seek. Don't despair. You'll pull through!

That said, I think the most important thing to get an idea about it is to get in touch with others - I don't see any way around it and I'm very much in favour of Fizzys ideas to keep in touch with people who have had similar issues. Try that LQBT group again and look for support groups on the net and in RL - they are there for a reason. Despite your financial situation you might want to consider Fizzys suggestion and I'll also second that you should consider talking to some openly transgendered people around here - there are two [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/groups/view/Transgenders-of-Escapist] groups [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/groups/view/Transgender-Open-Group] you can consider joining and use them to discuss these topics. I'd also strongly suggest to see a medical professional who might also help you to gauge if you are indeed transsexual. Keep in mind that transsexualism is a profound medical condition shaped by gender disphoria and it's not something that I think you should simply identify as without utmost caution - from what I've read it's likely signified by a more general and far stronger feeling of wrongness, although I could be very much wrong in that regard. Therefore, I'd be reluctant in labeling yourself as such unless you are properly diagnosed by a professional - at least if you are indeed transsexual.

As for the whole sexuality issue - that is something that ultimately only you can find out (but talking to people might help a lot here, too!). Being confused and distressed about finding that one does not simply fit into the neat sexual categories I can very much relate to. But you know what? It doesn't really matter in the grand-scheme of things. You are always more than what you fap to or what you are attracted to. All those labels only give a very broad, very approximate overview of you as a person. There are so many things that make you, you, apart from if you watch shemale porn, like to wear womens clothing or whatever that is. What I want to say is, your identity is something constructed from so many parts that you should not forget that there might be others far more important than those you are wondering about and ask if it is really something you wish to make you.

 

[an annoyed writer]

It sounds like you're where I was a few years ago. I'm one of the transgender people that hangs around these boards every so often, and if you need someone to chat with about coming out, getting help, or the ins and outs about transitioning, ping me.

 

[Stuberfinn88]

Sexuality and gender is a strange thing, I should know. I like to think of myself as hyper straight, That I like women and their bodies so much that I wish I was one myself. but as a dude I cant see myself wearing girls clothes in a male body, I don't have the androgynous body and face to make a transition worth while for myself. So I feel that I am stuck with this big manly body, but at the same time, I feel it to be better than to try to be a big manly looking woman/cross-dresser. I personally never liked the appeal in a half transformation, its a all or nothing deal.

As a kid my mom got me to try on one of her nightgowns, and I sincerely liked the feel, but my dad came in and quickly that happy feeling turned to dread, as if I subconsciously was being pressured into rejecting everything that was going on. I tried cross-dressing a bit in high school to test whether I still liked it, I could safely say that the illusion and feeling was something I enjoyed, but seeing my male body in it would always quickly shatter the illusion for me. I also started out with normal porn, then switched to hentai, mostly the Yuri kind, and mostly stuck with lesbian porn when watching real people. After of which whenever I watched normal porn, I always projected myself onto the female rather then the male and tried to set my psych up to match that perceived female wavelength, but I could never get into gay porn since obviously there were no females. I then too noticed shemale/trap/transgender porn, and I felt it to be a much easier and more realistic way to project myself, but only if they would pass as a female, other wise it reminds me to much of myself if I were to just put on make up.

So I've resigned myself to being just a normal dude with a transgender fantasy.

The only advice I can give you as far as even contemplating being a woman is one I've used myself. Its not like I'm trying to be insensitive to you, but trying to bring out the cold hard facts of reality, and it may not be what you like.

The main thing, is whether or not if you think you could pass as a woman if you went through the transition process, and whether if you could deal with the repercussions if it didn't work out right. Can you deal with the possibility of not having any biological children (besides the process of freezing sperm). Can you deal with the thought of looking like a womanly man? If you can't deal with it, then even if you might wish for it, you should just give up on that thought process as soon as you can. I should know I had to think through the same thing, and even if I am sad about it, its something I live with everyday still thinking about the What ifs.

As far as sexuality goes though, that's a different beast all together, since it doesn't really matter what your physical appearance is. Attraction is attraction. I've grown up reading and watching everything I could about the aspect of the gender bender genre, and I've found myself to be extremely attracted to the aspect of people whether they are boys or not if they could successfully pass as a female, clothes or not, mostly because Ive tried to project myself onto them as if trying to understand the normal female sexuality, which I've found to be my biggest turn on with how a woman feels and why do women have a attraction to the male body, as I have an attraction to the female body.

I hope my own insights in gender and sexuality could help you in figuring out yours.