Could you easily accept an apology straight away?

[Parasondox]

Hello to everyone at the Escapist,

A thought came into my head last night about accepting ones apology which also relates to the act of forgiveness.

Definition: Truly accepting an apology means that you have thought it through, acknowledge that your friend made a mistake, and embrace the fact that your pal is sorry. While you might still be a bit angry, you are on your way to letting go of that in favor of a solid friendship once again. Saying that you accept your friend's apology means that you are willing to put an end to the argument in such a way that it will not continue to be an issue going forward.
When your friend tells you they are sorry, embrace their apology as a way to move on from an argument. Do not keep bringing up the issue or continue reminding your friend about what happened. (source about.com)

The example I gave is great at pointing out the nature of accepting ones apology but what if you couldn't. What if, and I don't just mean close friends here, you were faced with a situation and the a certain people apology but felt it was half-hearted because they may do it again. For example let's say it was sexual harassment in the work place and the person committing the act was caught and forced to apologise for his/her behaviour. Is it hard for the victim to accept that apology even though it was forced, or something else comes into play? Would that person have apologised if they didn't get caught? Well we don't know but it's a thought.

Many of us have grown up with the phrase "forgive and forget". Now personally for me and many others, the "forget" part of that is nearly impossible. Yeah some small silly situations you can laugh away but when it's something serious that affects you and still continues too, forgetting is difficult to do. Many may also say, "you shouldn't hold grudges because it will make things worse for yourself". Granted they are correct but has there been a case/situation that is the opposite to that?

What do you think because it's something that I have been wondering about, not just yesterday but in the past year. Can you easily accept an apology straight away? Have you seen or know of any situation where all of this have come into play. Please share if you can.

Thank you for reading.

 

[Scarim Coral]

Yeah I pretty do forgive and forget most of the time. Sure whatever the incident was, I do shrug and may not forgive straight away but an old saying goes "there's no use in crying over spill milk" so it may take me a day or two for be forgotten since afterall it had become a memory. Granted I know that doesn't apply to everything as it may linger forever sort of thing (there is one thing that I will not forgive and forget).

 

[tippy2k2]

If I felt that they meant it, yes, I can and will forgive immediately. It takes a lot to irk me but it's very easy to get back on my good side. I'm a people pleaser like that Or I let people walk all over me depending on who you ask...

If it were forced (or if I don't know them well and therefore I don't know what kind of person they are), I would half accept it because I would keep a much closer eye on that person. I doubt I'll get workplace harassed but let's say they were caught stealing my lunch. I would keep a much closer eye on that person, what they were eating, and there may be a pudding filled with ex-lax in my lunch for a couple of weeks (you know...just in case >.> )

The only situation I can think of is something extreme like...they murdered my Mother. I'd like to think I could forgive someone if they were truly sorry for the act but I have absolutely no clue how I would react. So short of something extreme, I'm a pretty easy guy to get along with.

 

[Eamar]

I think it's pretty obvious that this would entirely depend on the situation for most people.

When someone's said something I find offensive and it's actually upset me, all I want from them is to stop and think about it from my point of view, then apologise. They don't have to change their beliefs or whatever, just be aware of how it came across (I do also apply this to myself, of course). There have been a few situations like this, and I have absolutely no problem instantly forgiving and (unless they keep doing the same thing afterwards) forgetting, because in those cases the apology actually is a resolution to the problem.

At the other end of the spectrum, you hear about those cases where murderers/rapists apologise to their victims or the victims' families, and sometimes the victims forgive them. I obviously can't know for sure since I've never been in that situation, but I'm pretty certain I'd never be able to forgive something that serious, and I'd definitely never forget.

I get that "forgive and forget" is a decent philosophy, but I also strongly believe that no one should ever be obligated to do so.

 

[Colour Scientist]

If it's a friend, a close friend or significant other, if I accept their apology, I usually forget the entire thing.
I'm not one to drag up old issues if I feel like they've been resolved.

Usually, if I have an argument with someone or someone does something that angers/upsets me, I need some time away from the situation to think on it, then I'll talk it out with the person and if I think they understand why it angered/upset me and are genuinely sorry, I'll let it go.

If I think the apology is forced or that it's something they'll do again, then I won't accept it and I'd probably try to have as little interaction as possible with that person in future.

Edit: For the sake of clarity, there are certain things I would never forgive.

 

[JoJo]

I'm going to agree with the general consensus that it depends on what the person did and how genuine their apologies feels. I'm not really one to hold grudges, so if it was something largely irrelevant like an random argument then I'll usually forgive the person, sometimes even look back fondly if it was funny, like one of my Catholic friends drunkly telling me that I was going to be sent to hell and be raped by the devil for being Atheist... man did he looked embarrassed when I met him the next day XD

As for something larger, like the damage of property or people I care about... harder to say. I'd like to think I'd be forgiving but I've never really experienced anything major like that so I can't tell how I would react in that situation. I've forgiven the people that bullied me when I was back in school, most whom of never apologised, but mostly for my own sake because I don't think holding onto hate is healthy or even has much point when chances are you'll never even meet those people again.

 

[game-lover]

I think it would depend on what they're apologizing for to be frank.

And even then, it wouldn't be proper forgiveness even if I did claim to accept it. My mom has said many times "you can forgive but you don't have to forget." I believe she got that from somewhere else. Anyway, she believes it and I pretty much do too.

 

[EeveeElectro]

I can forgive but I can't forget.

The only person who I feel owes me an apology would probably rather jump off a cliff because they're a terrible person and don't understand that others have feelings.
Consequently, I say things like the aforementioned about them while making life difficult for them and I will continue to do so until I get something close to an apology off them. Then I'll be able to right my wrongs and move on.

So I'd happily accept an apology off someone who has wronged me and put it behind us, it's better than getting sweet fuck all.

 

[Casual Shinji]

I think I'm just too lazy to remain angry, so I generally accept an apology fairly quickly on that basis alone.

 

[FalloutJack]

I've accepted some apologies around here. Some people still owe me one, though.

 

[Foolery]

Depends on the severity and nature of what happened. Furthermore, I don't really forgive for someone else's sake, but for my own. I see no sense in holding on to negativity. The biggest example of this would be my father, who was an incredibly abusive man. I forget he exists most of the time, even though what he did to me, my siblings, and my mum, was very painful.
That said, I will always recall what kind of person he is, despite letting go of the past to improve my state of being.

Funnily enough, because my childhood was traumatic, I get over little things fairly quickly. Nothing could be as terrible as the situation that I grew up through.

But yeah, apologies are alright by me, so long as the person is sincere, didn't act out of malice, demonstrates self-awareness, and consideration for others.

 

[Thaluikhain]

Eh, anyone can say sorry. Or worse "I'm sorry if you are upset" or somesuch.

No reason to be obliged to be impressed.

 

[FURY_007]

Eh it depends on the person and the degree of whatever he/she is apologizing for. Like if a friends like "Oh shoot I'm sorry I didn't call you back, as busy at work (or something)" Like yeah that's no sweat. If that same friend accidentally hit my car, yeah I'm gonna be pissed, and maybe be down about it for a little bit, but I would accept their apology and out friendship wouldn't change. If it's someone who constantly does stupid shit on purpose and constantly says sorry and doesn't mean it, then hell no I'm not accepting that.

 

[Aramis Night]

I consider forgiveness to be a morally repugnant act. Simply forgiving people or expecting people to forgive you when someone commits a harmful act to another is just a way of both sides not taking responsibility for what happened. The correct way that these situations to play out is for the person who wronged the other, to instead seek redemption. They have harmed the relationship and so they should be the ones to repair the damage, not just acknowledge the damage and do nothing about it while expecting the other person to forgive them simply because the person that made the mistake acknowledged it.
Forgiving people also allows the person forgiving the other to not take responsibility for not holding those they associate with to any standards, so that way they either don't feel that they should have to live up to any standards in kind or they can smugly feel superior to those around them. It's cowardly all around. Forgiveness should come after redemption, not before or instead of.

 

[Beffudled Sheep_v1legacy]

I can and do forgive and forget. I don't stay upset at people for long and I seem to be incapable of holding a grudge for more than a few days to a week.
Hell, I usually forgive and forget even if the person doesn't apologize, I just end up not caring about whatever happened after a while and forget it ever happened unless it was something huge. And even then eventually I simply stop caring.

Thankfully I choose and manage my friendships very, very well and don't often have reason to forgive someone anyway. My friends rarely wrong me in any way.

 

[Vegosiux]

To me it's not as much forgiveness as it's "Yaknow, I've got other things I need to devote my mental capacity to." There's enough shit going on in my life as it is. In holding grudges, I hamper myself. Ergo, holding a grudge is a stupid thing to do.

Sure, if someone wrongs me I might eject them from my life and stop calling and/or inviting them to my parties, but I'm not going to obsess over it. Nothing of value comes out of that.

 

[DeltaEdge]

I'm usually willing to forgive, but not forget, as least not straight away. Basically, I wouldn't hold it over their head or anything, but if a similar situation as to the prior situation that caused some sort of mistrust comes up again with us, then I'll probably remember their previous choices, and unless I have seen enough from them to determine that they have changed in this regard, there's little chance of me trusting them on this issue. I'd probably still associate with the person if I accepted their apology, but I wouldn't just forget before reformation of their behavior has been demonstrated.

So yeah, for me, the forget part doesn't come with the accepting of the apology, but when they have demonstrated to me by what ever my person metric is that they have changed enough to warrant trust on that matter again. So I guess by that definition, I haven't truly forgiven them by just accepting their apology, but I am still willing to at least keep the ability for forgiveness open and give them a chance if I care about them at all.

 

[Silverfox99]

I think its important to note that forgiveness and trusting someone is a different thing. For example, if I lend you 100 dollars and you don't pay me back that money I can forgive that but if you come back asking for more money and you have not shown a true change in character I may not lend you the money. Earning back someone trust is part of the repentance process not the forgiveness process. I can be OK with the mistakes you made and harbor you no ill will. We all make mistakes and wrong other people. We also tend to make the same mistakes over and over because those are part of our flaws. I can be OK with you being human but also be smart enough to not put myself in that same position to get hurt again.

The responsibly of forgiveness is the duty of the person that was wronged. Fixing and correcting the wrong is with the person asking for forgiveness or giving the apology. Fixing the wrong lets me know how sincere you are. Even if you don't try to fix the wrong, it is still the responsibility of the wronged to forgive. How much the problem is attempted to be corrected also is the amount the relationship can be repaired by.

 

[Someone Depressing]

I try to. Or make them redeem themselves (ie make them pay for soda every day ever.).

Accepting an apology, sometimes, can be harder than giving it. Sometimes. I'm not going anywhere with this.