Counciling videogame characters

[Yassen]

Ok, I got the idea for this from a very funny VGcats comic http://www.vgcats.com/comics/?strip_id=216 (I regret nothing)

Let's say you somehow became a phychologist for videogame characters and they were sent to you for help. Which character from any game would you want to council and what would happen?

Personally, I would want to council Tingle from the Zelda series. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tingle

"Tingle, what's been happening on your island?"
"Oh nothing, I just decipher maps there."
"Then why is it the police have given me a report saying you enslaved your siplings to endlessly turn a large totempole of you? Do you dislike them? Do you have image issues?"
"Oh that. It draws customers."

 

[EnzoHonda]

"Mr. Freeman, tell me about your father."
"..."
"Okay then, tell me about your experiences with the Combine."
"..."
"Look, Gordon, you're going to have to open up to someone. Otherwise your rage will get bottled-up."
"..."
*Gordon kills psychologist with crowbar*

 

[crimsondynamics]

Mario, for the last time: if you want to preserve your sanity and stop having delusions of grandeur, you must stop taking all those magic mushrooms!

 

[Dr Spaceman]

Master Chief: I keep having these horrible dreams where I'm being controlled by these horrible douches wearing stupid hats tilted at ridiculous angles. I mean, I'm not an asshole. However, every time I kill one of the Covenant I have this unrelenting urge to teabag their faces! I just want to stand over their dead faces and constantly crouch up and down. It's infuriating. What's worse is that I then proceed to to just yell at them relentlessly. Not just, like, only your average swear words, but also those horrible, horrible slurs that only retired racist Grand Wizards use. What the hell is going on here Doc?

Doctor: Well, Mr. Chief, it seems like your job is awfully stressful and perhaps you need to ask for a little more time...

Master Chief: (interrupts) Well, fuck you, Doc! You slimy piece of... [Note: Horrible racist rant omitted] ...with your sister's own thumb! Oh, oh, I'm sorry. See what I mean?

 

[Ramza is better then Cloud]

"Cloud look at me,"

*Cloud stares into mirror*

"Cloud, come on we need to talk so you can stop being a narcsisist"

*Cloud ignores*

"Damn it Strife look at me and talk to me,"

*Cloud refuses*

"Ramza show him how a main character should act,"

*Ramza mercilessly kills Cloud*

 

[Jharry5]

Kratos from the God of War series needs help... and a psychologist would have a field day -
"Okay, so one more time... You keep getting told by the Gods to kill tonnes of innocents?"
*psychologist calls for a straight jacket*

Needless to say, the psychologist wouldn't survive it...

 

[Elurindel]

"So, Link, is it?"
"Hyaaargh!"
"...yes, I see. You wrote on the form that you have abandonment issues because your tree parents left you?"
"Hah! Eyaaaargh!"
"......"

 

[gains]

"Y'know Harry, I have the number for an excellent counsellor. He did a lot to help me with my grief over the death of my mother. Maybe he can do something for you."

"No thanks. I'm just going to take a vacation to this little resort I know."
___

"Marcus, 'roid rage' is a very real danger. There are programs that can detox you and put you on the right path."

*emergence hole opens in office floor. Marcus grabs lancer and dives into it yelling for air support. Sound of chainsaw echoes out.*

"Well. I'm still billing for the full hour."
___

"So he turned you into an eggplant. How does that make you feel?"

 

[Aeviv]

Solid Snake, i mean the guy did kill his own father, and brother, and best friend....

 

[Amnestic]

Doc:"So, Desmond. Tell me about these dreams."
Desmond:"Well doc, I keep dreaming I'm my ancestor during the faux crusades."
Doc:"Okay, so have these dreams had any effect during your day-to-day works?"
Desmond:"I've got...powerful urges to run along rooftops and jump on people, shoving my wrist into their necks."
Doc:"Anything else?"
Desmond:"I...question everyone who I've ever met. Their motives especially. Even my closest friends, I can't trust them anymore. I keep thinking they're using me to get to a higher purpose, sometimes godlike powers."
Doctor: "I think you're projecting your own desires onto your friends. You're a control freak. Take these drugs. Pills fix everything."

 

[curlycrouton]

Psychologist: Ah, hello Cpt. Price, do take a seat, what seems to be the problem?

Cpt. Price: Well, I've suffered from OSCS, or overly stereotypical cockney syndrome, for a while now. It's really starting to affect me, because I keep havin' to spend me money on cigars, knoworramean?

Psychologist: I see, and how long have you suffered from this?

Cpt. Price: Oh since I was a little cockney lad sah.

Psychologist: I see....

 

[beddo]

So you're in a dungeon and you have 60 minutes to rescue the princess from the evil Vizier Jaffar and stop him from seizing the throne.

*Counsellor writes* - Typical Freudian obsession with mother, envious of father's relationship.

 

[beddo]

So Q*Bert, how have you been managing your obsessive compulsions?

 

[josh797]

so luigi tell me about your parents...

-wahooo!

oh i see. so they didnt treat you too well? mario has always been their favorite? how does that make you feel?

-hup, hyup, wahooo!

well were going to have to constrain that urge, it would make a lot of people very unhappy to see marios body cut into peieces in seperate garbage cans....

 

[Geo Da Sponge]

Doctor: So, Sparrow, why do you feel that you can never influence people in a permanent way?

Sparrow: Well it's almost as if they don't care. I can do anything. Butcher a town of innocents or streak through the streets. All I have to do afterwards is fart and pose a bit and they'll love me!

Doctor: So this leads to your occasional... how should I put it... tendencies?

Sparrow: I know! It's as they see me as a toy, a novelty. And I have relation issues. Whenever I try to get close to someone, I'll walk down the street and see a dozen people just like them! How are you supposed to love someone when they look like everyone else?

-----------------

Doctor: So why do you become obsessed with inanimate objects that can never hurt you? Have you been hurt in the past?

Heavy Weapons Guy: Sasha would never hurt me! But she hurts others good, yes. They cry some more!

Doctor: Why do you feel the need to exert power over others, hurt them so much?

HWG: They think they can outsmart me. Maybe. *sniff* Maybe. But I have never seen anyone who can outsmart bullet! *Spins up chaingun* Heal me doctor!

Doctor: But I'm not that sort of doctor...

HWG: HEAL ME!

 

[I Stomp on Kittens]

Phycologist:Tell me about your feelings and......

Kratos cuts phycologist's head off and walks away