Daddy Issues

[murderxthexcase]

Okay Escapists, here goes.

When I arrived home for a well-deserved break from university (I have four assignments on the go and an exam in a few weeks and it's getting really stressful), I had a discussion with my younger sister.

As it turns out, my dad - a man who famously told me never to lie or whisper about people behind their backs - has been saying awful things about my girlfriend (soon to be my fiancee if things go well) and I, and not even with a hint of irony. These things are as follows.

- As a response to whether he was too harsh on me, my sister said that he just had to put up with who I was. He suggested that it would be better if I was someone different.
- At a party held by him a while ago, my girlfriend was talking to my uncle's girlfriend (Jem) about her time in Japan. My dad suggested that my girlfriend was 'telling' Jem about Japan and that my girlfriend was acting 'like she knew everything' (this coming from a man who once conceitedly said that he was "the smartest person he knew", which is total bollocks).
- On numerous occasions he has criticised my interest in anime and manga as it's childish. The kind of anime I watch/manga I read is generally classified as seinen - as in for adult males between 18-30, while he watches things such as Family Guy and Futurama (which although I like, are still childish adult humour and a little inane).

So tell me Escapists, what should I do this weekend when I'm at his house? Do I not mention anything and try to stay out of his way? Or do I stand up for myself and confront him about it? Do you have any useful advice from a similar situation you've been in?

 

[Robert632]

You probably should confront him about this, as if you leave this unresolved may cause you to feel resentment toward him and will certainly mean he will probably speak more shit about you and your girlfriend. It'd probably also be good to have witness with you who knows he has said these things about you and your girlfriend with you if you confront him, just in case he denies the whole thing.

On the other hand though, confronting him will probably change nothing anyway.

 

[Rylot]

You do have every right to confront him and people very rarely stop this kind of childish behavior without being confronted. Of course as Robert632 pointed out it might not change anything, you might as well try.

The one thing I would caution you on is that confronting him may put your sister in an awkward position. I don't know your father or your family but I've seen situations where things travel down the grape vine and have a way of splitting people apart. Just something to think about.

 

[icame]

You have to speak to him!

Look into your heart, you know it to be true!

Honestly nothing like this ever gets resolved by sweeping it under the carpet. If you don't confront him his feelings towards you and your girlfriend may just grow bigger, which would be a bit of a inconvenience considering she(Hopefully ;D) will be his step daughter soon. Also talk to him about how he thinks your interests are childish at the same time. Say exactly what you said here. Don't let him try to say "...well there different" and have him try to change the subject.

Good luck with the proposal murdercase

 

[TheRightToArmBears]

Confront him, I say. Summarise all of that, and see what he says. I suppose being angry isn't the best way to go about it, but if you have to raise your voice then go for it. By the sounds of it, he doesn't seem to realise you're a sensible adult, so try and tell him that saying things like that is simply not on and that your choices are your own.

 

[murderxthexcase]

Thanks to everyone who offered their advice. I'm definitely going to try and have a talk with him - he suggested we have a chat at some point this weekend. As yet he hasn't tried to start any arguments or anything, but I haven't really had much chance to speak to him.

There should be a mutual level of acceptance and understanding between parents & their children I feel, even if their interests or what one party wants for the other differ in the actual direction that any one party may take. It's very important to be honest and upfront with your dad that you are you. <3

I hope this helps!

I agree with you here on the whole thing of a mutual understanding between parents and children. I always get a little worried because my dad has always been rather overpowering and a little scary, actually. He has a habit of thinking that because he's older, he's better, and has a right to lord it over me and my siblings, which I don't really want to emulate when I become a father eventually.

I'll try and speak to him anyway, and I'll try to have a discussion with him without it turning into an argument. Thanks for the advice guys, srsly.

 

[zombiesinc]

So tell me Escapists, what should I do this weekend when I'm at his house? Do I not mention anything and try to stay out of his way? Or do I stand up for myself and confront him about it? Do you have any useful advice from a similar situation you've been in?

As already suggested, you should confront him. Although I'm sure you know this, be mature and calm when confronting him so he doesn't feel attacked and react as such. Explain to him that you do not appreciate him A) talking behind your back B) talking about your girlfriend in a negative way, whatsoever C) being so opinionated and judgemental towards your interests, life and who you are. He's a grown man, he knows better than to talk behind your back. Naturally, there are always those moments when friends or family talk about a particular person behind their back out of concern or in a generally neutral, state-of-fact kind of way, but from what you've posted this doesn't sound like the case. Go on to explain how him putting down your interests, your girlfriend and yourself makes you feel. Emphasize that you can accept him not agreeing with your choices, but that he needs to understand and accept that you're an adult and you're free to make your own choices.

Hopefully the confrontation will result in him seeing things from your perspective and better understanding how he's actually coming off.

 

[Galletea]

I think confronting is a bit of a strong word to use. I think you should talk to him, but taking the offended position without finding out form him first would be hurtful to both of you and nothing would be resolved. Do you have proof he was saying these things? You have to be certain before accusing him of anything. I'd take it easy and try to see if he finds your enjoyment of anime a letdown to him. It might just be him being childish.