If you've been keeping up at all with gaming recently, you may have heard of a game called "Dantes Inferno", in which you play as a super duper original male lead - whom of which is super strong, great with a blade, and a total (generic) bad@$$, and reminds me of the dude from "Dragons Lair" oddly enough - and play through an even more originally premised game - you brutally murder/slaughter/eviscerate/obliterate/hug/cuddle/wuv a whole bunch of monsters and demons and stuff. Unlike God of War, because this game is just so original and creative like that... Oh yeah, it's taking you through HELL too!
OOOOOoOOoOooooOOhhHHHHHhhHhhhhhHH!! HELL! CONTROVERSY! ORIGINALITY!! SO INTERESTING!! AND YOU MUDDAFUGGINH SLICE UP UNBAPTIZED INFANTS!! BWWOOOAAARRGGGHH!!! ITS ALSO BASED ON AN OLD EPIC POEM!! LITERATURE!!... Did I mention it's basically a tour of Hell?...
ANYWAYS, what I'm trying and failing so desperately to say is that even though the only thing they seem to be going for to keep this game afloat with is controversy, it's not really doing a great job, I think.
NO! What I think would make for a much better, and TRULY more controversial premise and gaming experience would be:
1. You play as a regular person, banished to hell, like everyone else.
2. You SOMEHOW use your wits to escape the usual judging and placement that everyone else has to go through.
3. You then have to find your way through the 9 circles of this place without getting caught/raped/wuved too much by Hell's residents.
4. You meet tons of family and friends along the way, like a big 'ol happy reunion.
5. Cerberus is ACTUALLY A DOG - And 2 of the heads are female - And they both had lots of cute cerberus puppies with the male head.... somehow....
6. YOU'RE STILL JUST A REGULAR PERSON!! ALL THE WAY THROUGH!!...
7. You can customize your clothing based on items and things you find along the way - Like flesh, body parts, foliage, whatever the heck some of the other dude's down there are wearing, or just be NAKED, etc...
8. You can actually, if you wish, goof off and partake in the SIN of whatever circle you're in (For example - You're in Gluttony? Go ahead and pig out on whatevers lying aroung! Strolling through Lust? Take a few of those malformed imp babes you saw back at the bar and take 'em around for a spin! Bow - Chick - A - Wow - Wow - BARF!)
9. You finally get to Satan's crib at the bottom of the whole thing, where you find out he has an awesome/magically uber powered elevator that can go to any of the 9 Circles, Earth, Purgatory, and even the Gates of Heaven themself! But the only way to gain passage is to beat Satan... AT A GAME OF CONNECT FOUR! Or any other board game or whatever of your choosing... I prefer Chinese Checkers, but whatever floats yer boat...
10. After you (hopefully) beat the dark lord dude man person religious figure thing himself, you can go freely between the previously mentioned places, and even hang out with Satan just for kicks, and offer to take Cerberus and his/her/its pups for walks and strolls through the local park.. or on earth, for mad LULZ, and play frisbee with them, and so on and so forth...
... Yeah, that's all I got...
So what are YOUR thoughts!? Have any better ideas? Like, you know, the GOOD kind? The kind that would never make it to a game because it's actually fun and interesting and unique and would make for a wholesomely enjoyable and memorable experience?...
OOOOOoOOoOooooOOhhHHHHHhhHhhhhhHH!! HELL! CONTROVERSY! ORIGINALITY!! SO INTERESTING!! AND YOU MUDDAFUGGINH SLICE UP UNBAPTIZED INFANTS!! BWWOOOAAARRGGGHH!!! ITS ALSO BASED ON AN OLD EPIC POEM!! LITERATURE!!... Did I mention it's basically a tour of Hell?...
ANYWAYS, what I'm trying and failing so desperately to say is that even though the only thing they seem to be going for to keep this game afloat with is controversy, it's not really doing a great job, I think.
NO! What I think would make for a much better, and TRULY more controversial premise and gaming experience would be:
1. You play as a regular person, banished to hell, like everyone else.
2. You SOMEHOW use your wits to escape the usual judging and placement that everyone else has to go through.
3. You then have to find your way through the 9 circles of this place without getting caught/raped/wuved too much by Hell's residents.
4. You meet tons of family and friends along the way, like a big 'ol happy reunion.
5. Cerberus is ACTUALLY A DOG - And 2 of the heads are female - And they both had lots of cute cerberus puppies with the male head.... somehow....
6. YOU'RE STILL JUST A REGULAR PERSON!! ALL THE WAY THROUGH!!...
7. You can customize your clothing based on items and things you find along the way - Like flesh, body parts, foliage, whatever the heck some of the other dude's down there are wearing, or just be NAKED, etc...
8. You can actually, if you wish, goof off and partake in the SIN of whatever circle you're in (For example - You're in Gluttony? Go ahead and pig out on whatevers lying aroung! Strolling through Lust? Take a few of those malformed imp babes you saw back at the bar and take 'em around for a spin! Bow - Chick - A - Wow - Wow - BARF!)
9. You finally get to Satan's crib at the bottom of the whole thing, where you find out he has an awesome/magically uber powered elevator that can go to any of the 9 Circles, Earth, Purgatory, and even the Gates of Heaven themself! But the only way to gain passage is to beat Satan... AT A GAME OF CONNECT FOUR! Or any other board game or whatever of your choosing... I prefer Chinese Checkers, but whatever floats yer boat...
10. After you (hopefully) beat the dark lord dude man person religious figure thing himself, you can go freely between the previously mentioned places, and even hang out with Satan just for kicks, and offer to take Cerberus and his/her/its pups for walks and strolls through the local park.. or on earth, for mad LULZ, and play frisbee with them, and so on and so forth...
... Yeah, that's all I got...
So what are YOUR thoughts!? Have any better ideas? Like, you know, the GOOD kind? The kind that would never make it to a game because it's actually fun and interesting and unique and would make for a wholesomely enjoyable and memorable experience?...
