Darkly funny quotes

[Athol]

I've seen this in print before, but the first time I heard it was from a co-worker several yers ago.

"I still miss my ex...I keep forgeting to adjust the rifles sights."

 

[omega 616]

snip

I made the following up, as far as I know.

"choosing to vote is like choosing who to get raped by ... either way your going to get fucked and you're not going to like it."

I came up with that when I was 17, if somebody said it before me I still don't know about them.

I also like House quotes for this reason, the only one that springs to mind is "I am only Christian on Christmas and Easter, the rest of the time it doesn't matter"

 

[dangoball]

Man, some of those quotes you guys post are pure gold! Guess I'll have to add something to it...

"You would shoot an unarmed person in the back?"
"Of course I would! Too bad he's awake."
- Lister and Rimmer from The Red Dwarf

"Iron Emperor, do you copy? Infiltration complete, Sacrificial Lamb over."
- Kryton reporting to Rimmer (The Red Dwarf)

And now that I think about it, there are several things life does we are very ungrateful for:
It sucks (and sometimes quite hard).
It blows.
It even fucks with us.
Now imagine "Life" as someone with a set of tits and a vagina. What's there to complain about?

 

[VladG]

"Human beings mostly aren't evil. They just get carried away by new ideas, like dressing up in jackboots and shooting people, or dressing up in white sheets and lynching people, or dressing up in tie-dye jeans and playing guitars at people"

Yes, Pratchett is going to be quoted a lot...

Actually, what the hell... gonna go all out Pratchett on this:

"I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it"

"An education is a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It makes you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you have the urge to pass it on.

"What our ancestors would really be thinking, if they were alive today, is: "Why is it so dark in here?"

"Gods don't like people not doing much work. People who aren't busy all the time might start to think."

"We are trying to unravel the Mighty Infinite using a language which was designed to tell one another where the fresh fruit was."

 

[KageUsagi]

"Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Whatever it is it's heading straight for the World Trade Center."

"Watching Queer Eye for the Straight Guy made me think if I made gay friends they'd give me fashion tips. Actually, they fucked me"

-Frankie Boyle

Just look him up and you'll find loads of these.

 

[AMMO Kid]

Earlier this week friend 1 said something at random about eating a baby, so friend 2 yelled "IMAGINE IT! NOW YOU HAVE TO IMAGINE IT!" It was funny and dark at the same time.

 

[Lunatic High]

"There are no brakes on the rape train" - not sure where I heard/read this but I chuckle everytime I hear it

"Frecklesnatch" (in reference to "ginger" girls) thought this one up myself. I love ginger girls they're almost exotic, like a snowfox or something

 

[mental_looney]

"They say there is safety in numbers..
... tell that to six million Jews."
Jimmy Carr

Saw it on one of his comedy shows once it's so bad with just wordplay.

 

[JokerCrowe]

"Smile, because everyone you despise will die, so smile"
- Some Dude on a Morning show

"Madness is like gravity. All it takes is a little PUSH"
<-------

 

[masher]

"Charm is a learned art."
-"So is murder."

"We will not be caught by surprise."
-"Almost everyone I've killed uttered similar last words."
--"Then I am glad once again that you are on my side."
-"They've often said that too."

The funny bits by Artemis Entreri from The Sellswords trilogy by R.A. Salvatore.

 

[Kapri]

"My luck is so bad that if I bought a graveyard people would stop dying."

 

[D-Class 198482]

This one line from the Game Grumps:
"If you get in the way again, I will fucking murder you."
"I am murder."
"..."

 

[Fractral]

?My dear girl, in Culture history alone it has been about nine thousand years since a human, marvellous though they are in so many other ways, could do anything useful in a serious, big-guns space battle other than admire the pretty explosions ? or in some cases contribute to them.?
?Contribute??
?Chemicals; colours. You know.?

Oh god, Demiesen really cracks me up. He is possibly the sole reason why I rate Surface Detail as one of my all time favourite books. Its stuff like;
'Oh, where are my manners? Doll, this is your murderer and rapist. Veppers, this is Lededje Y'breq, back from the dead'
That makes him such an amazing character.

 

[(sic) humor]

"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep -
not screaming, like the passengers in his car."

-- Will Rogers

 

[CrimsonBlaze]

My favorite quote is from a little game called Team Fortress 2 that is spoken by the Spy when he kills a Soldier.

"Oh, Soldier. Who will they ever find to replace you? ANYONE!"

No disrespect to our men and women in the infantry. I have nothing but the utmost respect for you guys.