Dating a co-worker (but I work at a topless bar)

[Grey_Focks]

You will need to explain

Then again, if not for the baby I sincerely doubt she'd be available.

To me.
What do you mean by this? That she wouldn't have you, or simply that she would already be taken by someone else?

That she would be taken by someone else. I do know quite a few people who would not date a girl/ leave a girl if they found out she had a kid, and she really is very attractive. It's really the only reason I can see as to why she's single atm.

 

[s0denone]

You will need to explain

Then again, if not for the baby I sincerely doubt she'd be available.

To me.
What do you mean by this? That she wouldn't have you, or simply that she would already be taken by someone else?

That should would be taken by someone else. I do know quite a few people who would not date a girl/ leave a girl if they found out she had a kid, and she really is very attractive. It's really the only reason I can see as to why she's single atm.

So you say the only thing visibly weighing her down on the to-date scale, is the kid? Also, I assume you read the other part of my post as well, so I'm just reiterating:
Since you're already considering the relationship, even though she has a kid, you should go for it. I didn't and I don't.

You don't have to be a substitute "dad" anytime soon, don't worry.

 

[Mr Metzger]

I don't know why you had to mention that you both work at a topless bar.

Because I wanted people to actually read my topic, and using a sleezy trick seemed appropriate.

Well it worked on me lol

and in your own way or just replying to my replys, you've bumped the topic, kept it on the first page, and perhaps lead to someone reading it. thanks!

No problemo amigo (theres another reply for you lol)

 

[Mr Metzger]

I don't know why you had to mention that you both work at a topless bar.

You came to the thread for the exact same reason I did. You saw "topless" in the title.

But as to the OP, here's my question. Can you love her enough to love her child as well? Honestly, when raising a child, it's hard, but not impossible. And is it worth the sacrifice of your freedom to be with her?

Hard questions, I know, but they are the ones you need to ask yourself.

Well the word topless did take me to this post and I'm not going to lie about that lol.

And I just realised that I will be 20 in a few weeks and the idea of taking care of a child is just mind boggling to me

My parents had 2 kids while my father was working out of state, and my mother was busy with surgeries, both hers and grandparents. I was 11, my sister 12, and we basically raised them. It's not as hard as it seems, but it is difficult to get the hang of at first.

I see your point and I would have no worries looking after one of my siblings but the fact is I am sure your mother and father were not away all the time. There is bound to be times when you and your sister were able to enjoy life as teenagers instead of looking after babies. And for a 20 year old to start helping raise a baby that he has no ties with is a BIG ask. I would far rather be out chasing girls and failing than tying myself down like that. Besides he hasn't even asked the girl yet and she would probably find it weird because they work together, that's the way it has been with the some of the girls who work with my that I have hooked up with.

 

[manythings]

Ask her if she is open to dating a guy at all? Even then she might not even want guys around her child if they aren't going to be a stable fixture of her life.

 

[The Rogue Wolf]

Face it, whatever you do, if she's a half-decent mother then you will never rate higher than #2 on her chart (and if she was a guy and a half-decent father this would be the same case). And if you want to be involved in something "serious" with her, she will expect nothing less than for you to treat the child with the same affection you have for her.

If you want anything more than the most casual relationship with her, you are going to have to factor in her child. Which means you'll have to ask yourself the hard questions, like "can I deal with spending a lot of time around a child" and "can I take responsibility for a child that isn't mine". If the answers to that are "no", then don't make the move expecting to be able to back out later- it's okay not to want those things, but far from okay to lead her into believing you do.

Of course, this all runs on the supposition that you two would even hit it off, or she's that interested in you, or whatever. But I like to err on the side of overplanning.

 

[Johnnyallstar]

*snippity

I see your point and I would have no worries looking after one of my siblings but the fact is I am sure your mother and father were not away all the time. There is bound to be times when you and your sister were able to enjoy life as teenagers instead of looking after babies. And for a 20 year old to start helping raise a baby that he has no ties with is a BIG ask. I would far rather be out chasing girls and failing than tying myself down like that. Besides he hasn't even asked the girl yet and she would probably find it weird because they work together, that's the way it has been with the some of the girls who work with my that I have hooked up with.

True enough. But you and him are missing something. He does have a tie to the baby, just not a genetic one. He is tied to the baby through the mother. Right now, that's an easy enough tie to sever without any damage, but it can also be built up.

Oh, and I love babies. I work in nurseries all the time because the little tykes are tons of fun.

 

[daemon37]

Don't do it!

Sure kids need father figures, but is that really what you want to do at 20 years of age? There are plenty of attractive women in this world... find another one.

 

[Freeze_L]

Dont date her for her looks. If you do you will simply make your life a living hell. If you like her for who she is go for it, everything will fall into place if you are willing to love her. dont sleep with her, that can screw with how you feel about her, she is obviously attractive and you dont want to marry her and find out you love her kid, love the sex, and tolerate her. not sleeping with her will be hell and you will have to talk to her about it from the start of you relationship.
Telling her "You are the most beautiful thing i have ever seen and i really like you, thats why i can't do this to you, i want to fall in love with you not get laid." would be the best thing you could tell her, and she would love you for it. it not only shows restraint and that you value her, but that you don't want a quick fling but to really get to know her. It will be hard but considering her background this would be the best thing to do, if you dont love her like that you tell her, you stay close friends, it is easy to go back when you don't have sex. If you love her after a while when you figure this out, take her somewhere nice, get down on one knee and tell her.

This is serious it is not a quick fling you have to commit to trying to build the realationship.

 

[Zechnophobe]

Well, it sounds like you are having problems with young children. You have come to the right place! An internet forum of random people likely under the age of 20 is the best source for advice on how to handle a young child, and the hot mama you are trying to get with.

If the child gets sick or has any other medical needs, there are a few other resources to consider:

1) GO to your local topless bar, and ask the bartender, while drinking heavily. Unfortunately for you, this is probably how you met the mother in the first place.
2) Get arrested for public indecency, and when given an overnight in jail, consult the other inmates as to the best way to rear the child.
3) If all else fails, rewatch all the old episodes of "Married with Children". They are insightful in many hidden powerful ways, and will enable you to make good decisions on family matters.

Good luck!

 

[BonsaiK]

Now let me explain why this is discussion worthy. We work at a topless bar, she a bartender, me a barback/cook. I'm 20, she's 26. Now, I'm fine with the age difference, as I've always gone towards more mature women anyway. That's all fine and dandy. Now one complication is that she has a child, a 9-month old boy, to be exact. The father was apparently a dead-beat, and left her as soon as the kid was born, and he doesn't pay child support.

Now, if it matters, this woman is very attractive, and if not for the baby, I wouldn't be thinking twice. Then again, if not for the baby I sincerely doubt she'd be available. I know if I were to start dating her I'd also start to have some sort of responsibility for the kid (maybe?). Now I'm only 20 and know as much about parenting as I do about rocket science, and I really don't know what to expect.

So Escapists, if you were in my shoes, what would you do? If your wondering, I also have no trouble dating co-workers, and the owner and manager wouldn't have problems with it, either. Though there is also the issue of exactly WHERE we work, you know, a bar where women walk around with their breasts out, which if you haven't guessed, is a bit distracting.

I've answered this in the Relationship Problem thread, at the following link: ---> http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/18.117161-Relationship-problem-thread?page=38#6744146

 

[Billion Backs]

Kids ruin lives.

Condoms and abortions ahoy.

So, uh, I wouldn't bother with this "relationship".

At best you'll lose the best years of your life, at worst you'll be sucked dry.

 

[Zedzero]

Your not ready. Plain and Simple, if you don't feel like a kid don't fucking do it then. Your wasting time and effort on something you will learn to hate.

 

[RaphaelsRedemption]

IF you are willing to try, if you want to find out, if you are ready to consider the responsiblities involved (and it sounds like you are), why not ask her?

And remember it's a two way street. You don't HAVE to ask her out. She doesn't HAVE to say yes.

If you do end up with her, you won't be looking after the baby alone. She will be there, and she'll be better at it than you.

Just be honest. Incredibly honest. And slow.

Best of luck to you.

 

[TheTaco007]

Don't do it. There are plenty of hot, topless women out there. Don't force yourself to get committed to a child if you aren't sure.

If you have to ask, don't do it.

 

[SextusMaximus]

If your fine with everything else, just explain your issues to her and she'll discuss what you need to do for the baby.

...This is assuming you're not taking the mick by the way.

Oh! and I'd hate to be a cook in a topless bar. Everything's behind the scenes... unless the chefs work topless as well.

 

[FallenJellyDoughnut]

RUN! RUN AND DONT LOOK BACK!

 

[Agayek]

Do you have any experience with children whatsoever? I can't believe that she'd expect you to act as anything but a responsible adult around the kid until you two get closer.

And besides, parenting isn't rocket science, so you can probably pick it up without losing as significant a portion of your soul.

What this guy said.

If you like this chick, go for it. Taking care of kids really isn't that complicated, and I can't imagine she'd expect you to act any differently than what is blatantly obvious.

 

[S.R.S.]

Take either the advice of BonsaiK or the immortal Disco Stu;

Kids!? Back away, not today, Disco Lady.

Both are good options.