Dating and paying for dinner, okay to go halfsies?

[Secondhand Revenant]

Let me tell y'all a story...

My first girlfriend, and indeed my first date. I paid for everything for a few dates. Then, she got mad at me. After some cajoling to find out why, she complained that it was like I was trying to buy her or something, and insisted we go "dutch" and split everything. So, for a few months we split everything. Then, she got mad at me again. Again, it took some cajoling to find out why (a regular feature of that relationship). Apparently her mom had caught wind that we were splitting the check and read her the riot act about it, and convinced her that at this point in our relationship I should be paying for everything, and BTW the fact that I didn't know any of this was also somehow my fault.

I don't care about the cash, just let me know what's expected of me and when.

Maybe that was an age thing. You say first gf and her mom checked it and all. Cuz yeah I think communication is a big thing in good relationships. I mean I'm only in my first (bit late relatively but I'm not an outgoing guy) but on observation lack of proper communication leads to issues

 

[Pyrian]

In that kind of relationship, I probably wouldn't notice that the SO was pissed...

There's a lot to like about dating introverts, but a certain amount of pro-active empathy and listening skills are pretty much required for many of 'em. Overall they're still lower maintenance than extroverts, at least in my experience.

Maybe that was an age thing.

I'm sure inexperience was a factor; we were 16/17. I don't usually cite age, since the age at which people have a given experience can vary dramatically. Certainly I knew people at our age that had already had dozens of brief relationships...

Cuz yeah I think communication is a big thing in good relationships.

I would hope that bit of wisdom would be considered a given. It should be!

 

[CrystalShadow]

I dunno. It seems to be rather culturally dependent.
Also, I've never been on a date, like, ever, so keep that in mind too.

I'm part dutch. And the dutch have an odd reputation for being greedy / stingy.
One thing of note is that I believe splitting the bill there would be considered the norm, rather than the exception.

That aside, personally, I'm uncomfortable with someone paying for stuff for me, generally.
But as to what kind of message that sends, I don't know.

And as I said, I have no experience at all with doing such things in a romantic/dating kind of context, so... I don-t reallh know.

But subtle cultural differences do matter.

(Also, given what most cultural expectations revolve around, I sometimes wonder about same-sex couples. Possibly because I'm bi and could run into that situation in theory... But seriously, what do you do with customs that assume specific roles defined by heterosexual identity?)

 

[JUMBO PALACE]

I dunno really. As a guy, when I'm in relationships it makes me feel good to pay for meals/movies and things like that. I have also made more money than all of the girls I've dated so maybe that has something to do with it. On first dates/special occasions I think those old gender stereotypes can be cute and appropriate; but going halfsies on the regular wouldn't be a problem for me.

 

[Secondhand Revenant]

In that kind of relationship, I probably wouldn't notice that the SO was pissed...

There's a lot to like about dating introverts, but a certain amount of pro-active empathy and listening skills are pretty much required for many of 'em. Overall they're still lower maintenance than extroverts, at least in my experience.

Maybe that was an age thing.

I'm sure inexperience was a factor; we were 16/17. I don't usually cite age, since the age at which people have a given experience can vary dramatically. Certainly I knew people at our age that had already had dozens of brief relationships...

Cuz yeah I think communication is a big thing in good relationships.

I would hope that bit of wisdom would be considered a given. It should be!

It feels like many people, at least recounting experiences online, don't seem the recognize the important of proper communication. I mean you seem to, you get that all you really needed in that situation is her to be a bit more clear on her needs.

 

[Flames66]

I expect everyone present to pay for their own food. For close friends I might say "don't worry about it" and help out with cash, but not regularly.

My approach has always been that whoever asks pays the bill. After all, one says, "Would you like to have dinner with me", not, "Would you like to buy me dinner?"

I said "Would you like to have dinner with me?", not "Would you like me to buy you dinner?". I'm not offering to pay, I would just like to share an intimate moment with you while eating.

But, other coupled people, help me out here, are me and my boyfriend weird? We've been together for six years, and for a long time now we've always just had `our` money. We don't really split it between `his money` and `my money`- it's just `our money`, even though we have separate banks. So, it's not really an issue when we go out.

I don't know if that's odd for couples, but it seems a bit odd to me. You are still individuals.

 

[krystalphoenix]

I always go with the expection of paying for my share if I've been asked out. And I will always get my purse out to pay at the end of the meal. It then depends on the guy. Some have insisted on paying, some let me put something towards the meal, some are cool with me paying for my share.

I tend to find that once I'm in a relationship we fall into the pattern of he pays when we go out, I cook for him whenever he comes over/most of the time if we live together.

 

[Pyrian]

It feels like many people, at least recounting experiences online, don't seem the recognize the important of proper communication.

I know, right? It's like, have you guys ever seen a Romantic Comedy? They'd have to skip 90% of the plot if people would just calm down and talk honestly about things. But I think that realization is not enough.

I think that my U.S.A. culture just lacks positive communication role models. It doesn't make for good entertainment. It's not taught in normal schools. If you're lucky, your parents or friends might be able to light the way, but, otherwise, how would you ever even know what it sounds like?

 

[Fieldy409_v1legacy]

Way I figure it, Id want to go halfsies if I was the one asked out, but if Im asking the other person out then I should because hey maybe they dont have the money but really wanted to go out with me... The person who asks out can potentially plan the budget around their own budget with a lot further notice than the one asked out. Its usually men who ask out first anyways so I still end up paying the bill for ladies I guess. But if they offer then heck yeah it warms my selfish tightass heart to date a self sufficent lady who dont need me to pay their bills.

 

[FirstNameLastName]

As far as I'm concerned, if I'm expected to pay the entire bill on the first date, then neither of us will need to pay for the second.

 

[lunavixen]

I go to the movies and dinner with a friend of mine and he's much like this, he generally pays for the movie tickets and snacks and I get dinner (even though he tries to also pay for dinner, I just beat him to it). If he has a problem with going halves, then why not alternate in who pays?

Personally, I prefer either going halves (as long as it's not inequitable) or paying for what I ordered.

 

[DementedSheep]

I would insist on it. If the guys the sort of guy who is going to take a hit to his pride because you pay half you should dump him anyway because if he is of that mindset it won't just be dinner that he dose this shit with.

 

[Smooth Operator]

As a guy you do always need to be prepared to pay, otherwise you are a bastard in the eyes of society.
On starting dates I'd say it should be expected of the person asking out, you want to go somewhere expensive then you cough up the money. Half-half is also ok.
And once it goes regular I prefer paying interchangeably just for the convenience, getting that bill split every time and then counting out the pennies is just a pain in the ass I don't want.

 

[bdeamon]

If he/she is new to dating, I'd pay. If they are more experienced, or if the date just isn't going well, pay for your own.

 

[Joccaren]

Would rather take turns (because half and half is complicated and i like simple) but yeah it's not something that bothers me at all.

Yeah, this.

I'm happy to pay for everything in my relationship. I earn more money than my partner, and like gifting her things when possible. At the same time, we normally take turns in paying, rather than splitting things.
She likes to feel like she's contributing somewhat, so she always insists on at least being able to pay for things sometimes, or half of them. Paying every second time or so means its easier to pay rather than trying to split a bill, and also allows for things such as when she's low on money, I can pay for the whole meal, and she just pays for the next one. Rather than both of us needing money, only one does, and the other pays back eventually.

Either way works. It does get a little annoying when you're told not to buy gifts or pay for going out, because the other person doesn't feel they contribute as much and its not fair - despite the fact that it is fair because they make you happy enough that you're willing to pay that amount to make them as happy. Its lead to some things like Anniversary dinners being very chea at times because she doesn't want to feel like I've spent more than her, whilst I'd have enjoyed it more eating nicely, she would have enjoyed it more, and given 3 hours no-one would care about how much money was spent, or not being able to go out because she's low on money and decides that I shouldn't pay more often and more than her.
In this sense it feels more like a purchase and business transaction than a relationship where we support each other, but most of the time things are fine, and we both have enough money to do what we like.

Overall, so long as it doesn't influence decisions on where to go and what to do, I don't mind. As soon as this fake sense of 'fairness' takes over and we can't go somewhere special because its my turn to pay and I'm not allowed to pay more than you... Then it gets ridiculous. The focus should be enjoying your time together, not how even your bank balances are at the end of the night. So long as both understand that, and the focus is on enjoyment, I don't care how payment goes - all her, all me, something in between. Its just money, after all, and money is far from the most important thing in life.

 

[MeatMachine]

I don't invite women out to do anything extravagant until the 3rd date or so, for several good reasons. If a significant amount of a woman's perception of my desirability hinges on how much I'm willing to [initially] shell out the dosh to spoil her, that's a pretty big red flag that she's not someone I'm going to want to be involved with at all. If they're still interested in seeing me again after a few simple dates (cafe trips, picnics, whatever), then it becomes pretty clear that they are sincerely interested in me, rather than the thrill of getting a free meal ticket to a nice restaurant... with the potential added benefit of enjoying it with good company.

My opinion on women who insist on contributing financially, even to a small degree, in early stages of a relationship automatically put them on a higher tier of respect over those who choose simply to be absolute recipients to my invitations.

Let me be clear, though: I'm no miser, and I do enjoy treating people I admire to nice occasions, even to significantly disproportionate amounts that I may reciprocate from. I'm just wary of being taken advantage of by new people I'm not comfortably familiar with, and at the beginning of a relationship, one of the first things I try to discern is how quickly and eagerly [or if] they accept a lop-sided financial dynamic.

 

[Jei-chan]

My boyfriend is from Texas and he insists on paying for everything (though, granted, we don't eat out much, and I cook when we're at home). It makes me feel slightly uncomfortable, not that I feel like he's buying my affection because... honestly I am just not afraid of that sort of thing after two years, but because he IS so southern, I feel like maybe he's doing it because society makes him feel like he should rather than because he actually wants to. And I want him to do stuff he wants, not what he thinks he's obligated to.

On the other hand, our respective incomes have fluctuated, and there was a period where I was paying for his rent, so it's possible he also wants to repay me (in a kindness sense, not in an "I owe you x amount of dollars" sense. If that makes... sense).

Out of habit (because I have some friends who don't earn much money who I would go shopping/to cafes for lunch with way more than him, because honestly when I'm with him I usually stay in) I usually prepare to pay at least my half, and if he didn't say "no it's okay I got this" one night I wouldn't be bothered in any way. Sometimes I offer to pay the whole bill for my friends, particularly if they're in a hard spot moneywise or I'm just feeling generous. I don't think there needs to be a separate set of rules for dating and friendships when it comes to paying for meals. Whatever is comfortable for everyone works I guess?

 

[Amaror]

When your dating (Which means not yet in an established relationship for me) then the one who asked the other person out should generally be the one to pay the bill, unless the other person prefers to split the bill.
When your in an established relationship then, at least for me, there's no protocoll and the couple should just make it out how they want things to go. If one person makes significantly more money than the other and likes to spent it on them, then it's maybe good if they don't split the bill very much. It's all pretty relative and depends on the couple.

 

[008Zulu_v1legacy]

Does his best David Attenborough impression...

And here we see the man and the women engaged in the most common of sapiens mating rituals; The first date. All seems to have gone well, the duck was perfectly balanced in a white wine sauce and the desert eclairs were both satisfying, but not overly filling. And now, comes the check. The man, seeking to prove his masculinity and ability to provide for his future pack, reaches for the bill. But look! The woman has also reached for it. The man is quite taken aback at this development. Sensing his trepidation, she offers to split the check with the man. This is most extraordinary! The man has agreed to split the bill! The woman is relieved and the man senses in her, someone they can be equal partners with.

And now for something serious, if you take away the humour of that little rant, if he gets defensive (insistent is something different to defensive) about splitting or letting the woman pay, I would say be cautious. Being with someone who is confident is a good thing, but not when it indicates a potentially dominating behaviour, you have to decide if you're o.k with a boyfriend with an "Alpha" personality.