Dealing with a break up

[Dave In A Cape]

Hi Guys
Haven't been here in a while.

So I've just been dumped after 3 a half years, We've been going through a rough patch for some time but I thought things were starting to get better but apparently she wasn't happy and decided to leave me for some other guy.

3 and a half years is a long time, so long in fact that I'm struggling coming to terms with myself. I'm going to lose my house, probably my job and I live so far away from family and friends that they can't/won't help. Basically for the first time in a long time, I'm alone.

I'm really not coping well so I figured turning to the internet is the best place to look for advice. What do you/have you guys done to help yourselves move on from a serious relationship?

 

[Lynx]

Take a deep breath and take each day as it comes. It will get easier, very slowly at first, but trust me, the first few days of shock are the worst. After that it gets kinda better, and after a while it'll be perfectly manageable. Right now it might seem like you'll always feel this crappy, but keep reminding yourself that it'll pass in time.

Right now I suggest you keep yourself busy and don't let yourself fall into apathy. Be kind to yourself, let yourself be sad/angry/disappointed about it, but don't get stuck in a loop. And make sure you keep in touch with friends or family who can support you.


Big hugs

 

[Lucem712]

I agree with Lynx, the enemy of happiness if an unoccupied sullen mind. Keep yourself busy with work, a hobby, or volunteering. If you happen to use social media, I'd suggest unfriending/unfollowing or blocking her from your feed as it could trigger an emotional response.

 

[krazykidd]

So , you got dumped. It suck . But look at it this way . She wasn't the right one, and you are now freed from her shackles . So you sre now open to potentially finding the right one . When my ex gf broke up with me after 2 and a half years , i went out and had sex with other people . It helped boost my self esteem , and made me get over her quicker . No point in crying over spilled milk .

 

[Keoul]

Let me first tell you that you will get over it, that depression will pass and you'll find someone else that makes you happy. But before that happens you're gunna have to deal with all them emotions and it's gunna be a pain in the ass like some kind of relationship detox.

I suggest distracting yourself with anything or everything, videogames, work, exercise, anything you want as long as it makes you stop thinking about her so you have time to forget about the whole thing.

 

[Dave In A Cape]

Thanks guys.

Right now I think I need to get myself together, my head is all over the place and can't concentrate on anything.
Maybe it's something a good night sleep will help with.

 

[J Tyran]

To be brutally honest there is no real way to "get over it" that easily, if there was you probably wouldn't have cared about the break up in the first place. As others have said keeping busy can help and it seems you have a lot on your plate with sorting out somewhere to live and maybe a new job. Your circumstances might turn out to be somewhat of a blessing though, maybe a chance for a completely fresh start? Moving somewhere else, maybe closer to your family and getting a new job could be the chance to fix anything that you might not have liked about your life. Obviously you liked how things where but there is always room for improvement in some aspects, having to create your new life would keep you occupied too.

Deciding what you have to do is one thing but they are some things you really don't want to do. To begin with don't consider revenge, either on your ex or the new partner. Making her pay or fisting him in wont achieve much besides making you feel better in the short term and will probably make things a hell of a lot worse. Make a clean break as soon as you can, trying to be friends or keep hoping to rekindle things isn't always a bad thing but it can also suspend you in a kind of limbo made of false hope.

Avoiding new relationships is probably for the better too, a break up can you leave you mixed up at the best of times without the risk of hurting yourself or another person. This kinda ties into the revenge thing too, enough people try to get a new partner in the hopes of making their ex jealous. This doesn't mean you cannot hook up with someone for a bit of fun, it might help too. If you have been faithful for those years experimenting with new people and new things is pretty exciting. You will also want to be careful with drink or drugs, again these might not be a bad thing and can provide some short term entertainment and some emotional comfort but it can easily go very, very wrong and you end up replacing the relationship with a person with a relationship with substances.

Finally be careful with any introspection, its totally worth trying to figure out what went wrong. Maybe it was something you did or something she did or maybe it just happened, if you can understand why it did happen that can help the process but this can be one of the most dangerous aspects of a break up. If you take to much of an unwarranted hit to your self confidence it can be years before you get over it, on the other hand if it was your fault understanding that can help you in future relationships.

Sorry I cannot offer much advice about the best things to do but I hope the advice about things you don't want to do can help and I wish you all the best as you deal with this.

 

[DevilWithaHalo]

I'm going to lose my house, probably my job and I live so far away from family and friends that they can't/won't help.

Why would this happen? We're you married? Did her income contribute to the rent? Was she your boss?

 

[Esotera]

Prioritise your basic needs first, find a way to secure your job so you don't lose it & get everything in order with your house. Also try and reestablish old friendships and visit your family a bit if you can.

Oh and also if you're still talking to your ex then completely cut her off, it won't help you move on at all.

 

[Dave In A Cape]

Making her pay or fisting him in wont achieve much besides making you feel better in the short term and will probably make things a hell of a lot worse.

I certainly did consider knocking his teeth in, but when I considered that she says I get angry or frustrated far too easily it scares her (Not sure why, never have been angry at her, I've just vented about a crappy day at work a few times) I restrained myself. Especially since she was stood in between us both and I wouldn't have forgiven myself if she got hurt in the middle.

I'm going to lose my house, probably my job and I live so far away from family and friends that they can't/won't help.

Why would this happen? We're you married? Did her income contribute to the rent? Was she your boss?

She does/did live with me. Eventually money will dry up and I'll lose the house because of bills/rent. I know for a fact I won't be able to concentrate at work and I'll probably be sent home on no pay for a few days, so less money for bills. and to cap it all off, no house = no clean clothes/baths/showers...then I'll definitely be sacked.

For most couples going through a break up I understand that this kinda stuff doesn't happen but I'm on low income and we depended on each other.

 

[J Tyran]

Making her pay or fisting him in wont achieve much besides making you feel better in the short term and will probably make things a hell of a lot worse.

I certainly did consider knocking his teeth in, but when I considered that she says I get angry or frustrated far too easily it scares her (Not sure why, never have been angry at her, I've just vented about a crappy day at work a few times) I restrained myself. Especially since she was stood in between us both and I wouldn't have forgiven myself if she got hurt in the middle.

Its an understandable reaction, I wouldn't consider her feelings to much though. Not giving him a kicking because it would upset her isn't the best of reasons, in this situation you really want to think about yourself and as she left you there is nothing unhealthy about self interest. If you did lose your temper you could get arrested or risk get a beating yourself if hes tougher than he appears or his mates help him out, you also risk alienating friends and a whole bunch of bad things that affect you. Unfortunately you are alone now and its time to start taking care of yourself.

 

[roushutsu]

If housing is an issue on a smaller income, that should probably be the first thing to tackle. If the bills were high and dependent on 2 people, then find a smaller place that you can easily manage on a smaller budget. Perhaps consider taking a smaller second job to do on the side just so you have some extra cash coming in? I think once you've got that taken care of, things will slowly fall into place.

As for getting over the break up itself, it varies from person to person, but I agree with everyone else saying to focus on other things. When my ex cheated on me after 2 and a half years, I started farting around making sprite videos, which acted as a kind of therapy for me. If there's a hobby you enjoy, focus on that, or perhaps experiment and try out some new stuff. You'll never know what you may find.

 

[Movitz]

I've never been in a serious relationship, so you can take pride in that your one step over some random loser on the internet.

But focus on solving all the practical problems first. It sucks to be alone, but it sucks more being without a home. Hopefully it will leave you little time to think about your ex.

 

[Blunderman]

This is going to happen again, and again, and probably a good several times after that. The thing is that it sucks less each time.

Get acquainted with the misery and the loneliness and keep doing what you were doing before. Don't scour the Internet for ways to make you feel better ? there aren't any. Heartbreak and misery are part of life and they only do as much damage as you let them.

Someone telling you "It sucks ? get over it" gets old really fast but it's the only real advice you're ever going to get. Everything else is just nonsense and platitudes. This is the price you pay for having emotions. Your heart doesn't get over things as quickly as your mind does.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to accept that sometimes you'll be miserable and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. Anyone who would tell you otherwise has either never been hurt or is operating under massive ignorance.

 

[Spinozaad]

I first threw away all of the things I had left of her, except a few really beautiful photographs of the two of us, and stashed those away in a box (believe me though, the temptation might be there to destroy/delete everything, but you'll regret it down the line).

After that, I got myself a bottle of premium whiskey and some friends. Went out, had a great time, got home and cried like a little *****. Woke up, made myself some eggs and got back to work.

 

[Dave In A Cape]

I first threw away all of the things I had left of her, except a few really beautiful photographs of the two of us, and stashed those away in a box (believe me though, the temptation might be there to destroy/delete everything, but you'll regret it down the line).

After that, I got myself a bottle of premium whiskey and some friends. Went out, had a great time, got home and cried like a little *****. Woke up, made myself some eggs and got back to work.

Well she has moved back in with her parents now who only live 2 doors away so throwing out/destroying her things aren't really an option because she'll probably need them and will be back to collect them one day.

As for destroying and deleting photos...I have considered it but I just can't bring myself to do it. They were good times and fond memories. I know it will be painful to look at them but, I don't want to forget the amazing time I had. For all the ups and downs, we had a great relationship and to destroy photographs, her drawings she did for me...it just wouldn't feel right.