Dealing with and overcoming suicidal thoughts

[Super Kami Guru]

For nearly a year now I've been living with the daily compulsion to take my own life, to cut a long story short it's due to a very bad break up and the shit storm that followed.

I'm currently on medication for depression and to help me sleep, undergoing weekly counselling and have been reffered back to a mental health nurse.

Several times a day I feel strongly compelled to take action to end my life, last year I stood on top of a cliff for dozens of nights trying to make myself jump, I've brought it under control now and don't go there, though pretty much all that stops me is the fact that I know I probably wouldn't go through with it and would be wasting mine and possibly the emegency services time if spotted.

I've got so much going for me in my life but I just can't shake this need, I keep myself physically active exercising everyday, have many hobbies and will still see my friends at any opportunity. However none of this stops me wanting to kill myself several times a day and I can't live feeling that shitty everyday.

Has anyone else felt this and overcome it? As in the thoughts have completely gone away? How do you deal with it?

 

[Devil's Due]

I used to be suicidal when I was younger after a nasty breakup. What you need to realize, as I'm sure the counselors have told you, is that things will get better. Time heals all wounds, and implimenting a NC (No Contact) rule with any of the offending parties will allow you to gather that peace faster. I completely blocked my ex out of my life for a whole year after that, and it was a slow recovery. But after that year, I found her again and did not feel as angry (but still a lot). After talking with her about what happened, calmly of course, we both agreed that it was a bad relationship and that we're both doing better now in life and I wished her luck on her new marriage and parted ways forever.

My general rule whenever it comes to a bad situation is to distance yourself, think it over, and then act. Do not immediately act, that's what makes it worse. The same way you would leave an argument to be alone rather than continue to yell / risk a fight applies here. When you lose the ability to really think, you need to get away from that distraction to prevent making the situation worse and taking a longer time to repair.

But even though I did this, I still wanted to die for months after while trying to recover the fallout. My grades were horrible and I lost many friends, which then added onto my depression. Make sure you tell your counselor this, always tell them if something is getting worse so they may combat it effectively. If you simply say you're getting better and withhold information, they have no way to help you. Maybe they could increase your dosage to help the effects, switch you to another pill, or simply offer a listening ear about your new problem.

Remember, do not cut off contact with your counselor. If something is happening, tell them so they may help you. I hid stuff from mine for the first month or so and nothing improved. Finally I started telling them all that was bothering me and they were extremely helpful and went out of their way to help me find a possible solution.

If you need someone to talk to in the future, please feel free to PM me. Hang in there.

 

[Super Kami Guru]

-snip-

Yeah I've been told it will get better with time for a while now, however having been undergoing "treatment" for 8 months now, nothing has improved.
There is definitely no contact, when I first started feeling this way I tried speaking to her to resolve the issues, she just didn't want to know, in fact she went as far as saying she would call the police if I tried to speak to her again, was much more concerned with "How dare I feel this way and bother her with it, making her feel guilty". What really set it off was when I found out she was seeing someone new 2 months after breaking up (as it turned out she was dating him as soon as we broke up, possibly before), this destroyed me because when we broke up she had been depressed herself and gave me all sorts of bullshit "It's not you, I just need some time on my own to sort my head" "I don't think I could be with anyone right now and want to spend more time with my friends" and "I want to be with you, maybe we can try again once I've sorted myself out". So despite what I wanted, I let her go because she made me believe it was what she needed and ultimately so we could be together. So you can see why it hit me so hard, especially when it was with a guy she met a few months before we broke up, the only male friend I had ever been jealous of, she had loads of male friends and they didn't bother me in the slightest, but I could just tell something wasn't right as she would spend hours talking to him on Facebook right in front of me, invite me to hang out with her and him instead of inviting him to hang out with us and she would never shut up about him. Despite all of this I never asked her to not talk to him anymore, because I trusted her and I didn't want to be controlling and start saying who she could be friends with (something she later threw in my face saying "you never said anything while we were together so you don't get to be upset now").

The situation for me was made so much worse by the fact that I started receiving threats from friends of the guy she left for, just because I said he was a "twat" and a "bland nothing" on my Facebook wall, I didn't even mention his name! -_- They didn't even have to see it, none of them were were my Facebook friend so they were going out their way to spy on me.

I've never held anything back from my counselor though I have been telling my friends for a while now I'm getting better so they don't get fed up with it. I lost a couple of loose friends but so many have stuck by me, including all our mutual friends, all them took my side. However I'm just running out of things to say, I really don't know what to say anymore and fed up with hearing the same old thing.

 

[Devil's Due]

I understand your feelings. My ex, the one I talked about, was cheating on me for a few months before we broke up. She later married him after we broke up, which was a massive surprise when I met her a year later. It caused some bad days again, where I had to be with my family closer than usual to get it out of my head, but I still wished her good luck and talked about the experience.

About the Facebook deal, that is strange. I would consider blocking them on FB so 1) You cannot tempt spying on them, saving you a heartache and 2) They cannot spy on you to cause you any trouble. It seems better all around. Blocking can help kill the curisoity. If you already did block them and they're using another way to see your profile, that is deeply troubling and you should see if it's potentially one of your friends relaying the information to them or they're simply creating false profiles to view yours (especially if your info is public). I know I had one ex that stalked me fairly well for a while before I knew about it.

That's good! Keep talking to your counselors and friends. While it's difficult and people may not be understanding, it still helps. Hell, anytime I talk to someone it helps me in some form. For example, just a few days ago I was constantly complaining about my Engineering class (reasonable complaints, I assure you!) and another student just gave up and told me to "stop bitching." While a bit uncalled for in that manner, and I do not talk to him anymore, it did open my eyes to see that I should indeed figure things out more. Sometimes another viewpoint, even if unwanted, can really help us.

Are you sure "nothing" has improved in those 8 months? Do you feel just as angry, sad, and betrayed today as you did 8 months ago? I'm fairly sure you felt stronger about it then than now. While you may still feel a lot of anger and pain, it is an improvement. Time heals all, and we must be willing to give it time.

 

[Super Kami Guru]

-snip-

It doesn't help that I know the guy is a right tosser, a complete internet troll, the sort who thinks because he's on the internet he can call people whatever he wants, the kind who gives the rest of us a bad name. To make it worse, something I've recently learned how much he lies to her, as far as he pretended to be a virgin when they met "Oh look at how innocent I am" but turns out he had slept with a dozen people and my ex didn't leave him when she found out, I never lied to her over little things, let alone something so deceitful and calculating.

My Facebook profile was set to public, I had no enemies before and had nothing to fear, I received threats on 2 occasions within a month (December) from one person then another from someone using a fake account in March, I had just managed to get back a laptop from my ex by saying I would take legal action to seek it's return, which she had initially refused to do and I think this prompted the fresh threats, I did speak to the police but to track this guy down would have involved speaking to my ex and I didn't want to stress her or her father out (who had stress related health problems), even then I still put her ahead of me -_- To add even more insult to injury, when the laptop was returned, I had asked it be returned to the solicitors office where my mum worked since it was nearby to her house and would be a neutral drop point with no need for any contact, except my ex's new boyfriend strolled in there, demanded to speak to my mum then proceeded to have a go at her in her place of work, to fucking spineless to say it to me.

I have already set my profile to friends only, removed any possible "moles" and even gone as far as to block this guy's entire friend list just to be safe. She knew I posted on here, my name was "Rage19" before, but I stopped to avoid any potential agro if she was checking for stuff I posted, she watches some of the videos but doesn't have an account to my knowledge.

Yeah sometimes I do just need a vent, but I just ran out of things to say and find myself going "I just don't know anymore" on the phone.

I do feel better than I did 8 months ago, the severe moments are less common, but strong and frequent enough to present a serious problem. What would have been our 4th anniversary and her birthday passed recently and I didn't realise they had until a few days later so that is a plus. It's just to still be manically suicidal 11 months down the line doesn't seem right and I know I can't live the rest of my life like this, even when I'm doing the things I love most I get the feeling and ruins it.

 

[Devil's Due]

I understand that this person in question may be of questionable material to your ex, but you also must understand that your ex has to be able to take care of herself. While sad, and very hard to let go, she is making her own, albeit questionable, choices in life with who to be with and what happens in that relationship. Relationships are a time of learning, regardless how many we have we will always learn how to properly deal with situations the longer we're in one or the more we have. I'm sure she knew the truth, or learned afterwards, and is still with the person so for some reason she is staying, we have to honor that.

If he causes any more trouble, I'd contact with the police again and use your mother's description of the person mixed with his online profile and any other witnesses to show how much of a danger this person is and see where to go from there. Don't get your ex involved, keep it between you and the police and let them go from there if possible.

My account here is watched by one of my exes, I know how you feel. Trust me.

While you are still depressed this long down the road, you did say you're slowly improving. At this rate, I would not be surprised if you did recover fairly well within the next few months as things seem to be slowing down. You forgot the anniversary and her birthday, which is a good sign. For example, I recently had the anniversary of my ex-fiancee as well from a year ago. Knowing that day was coming caused a lot of anger and sadness, but surprisingly I forgot all about it and a week passed by before I noticed it even came.

You will always have some part of her in you, and there will be days years later where you'll wonder why still or think about it, but the frequency will become even more sparse. I went from thinking of my ex every week, to every month, to now where I only think of my ex every few months and even then it's only for a few hours or so and then I forgot her again for the next few months.

What sort of hobbies do you do? Any clubs or activities you're involved in? Classes, work, etc?

capcha: most interesting man

Why thank you, Capcha!

 

[Super Kami Guru]

-snip-

It's so frustrating because despite everything she did, the lies, manipulation and betrayal I still love her and even though I could never be with her again because I could never trust her again I still want to be with her. This bloke really is a complete scumbag, and I'm not just saying that as the jealous ex, he really fucking is.

Oh I know the name of her boyfriend and the town where he lives, he's the one who had a go at my mother however there was nothing illegal here, it was his friends who made the threats to me. The worst of which was to make some horrific public allegations about me, which are completely false but potentially very harmful, however this would be a civil matter and the police wouldn't get involved.

I hope your right because I can't deal with feeling this way much longer, I still think about her several times a day it's just too painful knowing what she now thinks of me, partly due to these nasty people telling her lies about me, but also the fact that she had invent things in her mind to make me seem like a bad guy in order to justify what she did to me.

I play competitive paintball (sometimes known as speedball or x ball), I do Southern Dragon Kung Fu and Tai Chi, go to the gym several times a week, cycle, play football, I'm going to start competitive go-kart racing again and of course gamimg So yeah loads of hobbies and activities, it just doesn't mean shit to me right now, that's the problem, I can't play paintball anywhere near as well as I used to because my head's just not straight when I'm on the field.

 

[Devil's Due]

Same with my ex, but we have to let them make their own choices even if it's clearly the wrong one from our side. No matter what you say, she won't believe it, just like when I tried to convince my ex-fiancee, but you have to let them play itself out and let them learn by themselves so they actually learn. If you continue to try and intervene, you may risk them not believing that the bad things is the one persons fault and just you causing problems instead! Manipulation is a difficult thing to deal with, and we have to let things play out or they can easily make it worse for us.

Just ignore the guy and his friends. Soon they should give up and go annoy someone else. If they do not, then start making log of everything they do. I assume you're in the UK and I'm not sure if you have some sort of civil affairs court, since in the U.S. you can talk to the law and make a Restraining Order where certain parties are not allowed to be within a certain distance of you if they harass you so much.

Yes, lies suck, I have had people lie about me before to my ex-fiancee to get us broken up because they're terrible people and I'd have no problem telling them to their face that they deserve little in life because of it, but I moved on and let my ex-fiancee decide to be with these terrible people since she's too deeply influenced by them. She will, in time, realize what she did and apologize. This may take years, but it happens. I've had ex's from the past talk to me years later out of the blue because of this and apologize or just want to talk about what happened. It's surprising, sometimes the people who appear least likely to care end up being the ones to want to talk later.

Paintball? That's awesome, I've always wanted to do paintball. That's great, keep doing these activities. While they may not appear to be helping, believe me when I say every minute doing something fun is a minute less dwelling. My breakup was what later got me into the Air Force JROTC program because I was always alone and thinking of her. Later joined the program, and found it easily swept up and worked my ass off in it for 3 years rising to the top. I found every minute I worked in there and helped others was a minute less thinking of them, and soon over the years I completely forgot about them. Now I'm not saying it'll be the same for you, but I'm just glad you're at least doing these things. Maybe you can take the time in paintball to vent some anger? For example, imagine the targets are the people you dislike and get some rage out? You don't have to win the game, just vent and feel better. I know if I could do paintball at the time I'd probably end up wasting all my pellets on one poor SOB who reminded me of someone I disliked

capcha: easy as cake

This is getting freaky now.

 

[Super Kami Guru]

-snip-

There's nothing I can do anyway, and you're right, she would never believe me anyway. To me the whole things people will believe what they want to believe no matter how much evidence is lumped in front of them. It's remarkable how stupid she is, of course the new boyfriend and his friends are going to speak badly of me and say I was clearly a horrible person because it suits them for her to think of me badly.

I haven't got anything in a couple of months now so should be okay. Yeah we do have civil courts, restraining orders and all that, it's just the hassle and agro of it, plus it costs about £500 to even apply for one, so if you don't get it granted you have to pay the cost anyway.

I very much doubt she will ever apologise, talk to me or even ackowledge I exist, she is way to stubborn and set in her ways. The only way I could see it happening if he leaves her or if she does get anymore treatment for her own depression and anxiety and the Councillor or therapist suggests talking to me about it or something. Even if she did there's a real chance I may just say to fuck off, she didn't want to know and was much more concerned with not feeling guilty about making me feel suicidal when I desperately needed her help, she let me down when I needed her most and I can't ever forgive her for that. Actually I only just realised that as I wrote it just now, ha breakthrough!

This is the kind of paintball I play
Unfortunately it's very expensive to play, so I can only do it a couple of weekends a month.
As I said my heads very visibly not in the game, in fact the first tournament I played after we broke up I had a complete mental breakdown in between points and couldn't play the rest of the day. I had thought about printing off pictures of my ex and her boyfriend, for some very strange reason he unblocked me on Facebook start of this year, clearly so he could keep a better eye on me but never said anything to me, but I digress, my point was that if I was to shoot at these pictures in backgarden the sound of my paintball marker might make some neighbours phone the police, doesn't sound exactly like a real gun but to the untrained ear it would, plus as you can see from the vid, they shoot fast so I'd probably get armed police knocking down my door XD Don't have anywhere nearby I can go and just shoot it either.

What's the "Capcha" mean?

 

[Devil's Due]

See, things are looking better once you write them out and deal with them slowly. We just have to let people do there thing, however much it may drive us nuts. As you said, she also has depression so she's not thinking clearly herself, and we have to wait for her to get better before trying anything else or it could damage her / upset her furthur and driver her farther away or potentially make her resent you more out of misplaced anger. It sucks, but depression's a hell of a thing. Note: Next time you get a girl, don't get one who's also depressed. I've done that twice now, it ends horribly as you've seen, and I refuse to do it again now. XD

Heh, that paintball looks fun. Did you ask your team mates and see if any of them have any suggestions where you may go fire them off? There has to be some nearby firing range for teams to practice on that one of them may know about or a secluded area that could work. If not, there are paintball video games (but I highly doubt that's as much fun!).

Shame you don't have any sort of bumper cars area nearby, that'd be a hell of a way to reduce stress and have some fun. Oh, good old bumper cars.

Captcha is that annoying box that shows at the bottom of a post where you have to insert a specific number or phrase before you may post to prove you're human. People normally type out in their post what captcha said as a joke that "it's alive" since it'll usually ask questions very relevant to their post.

Spoiler: Captcha

 

[Reeve]

The utility of this post will probably be dubious and is arguably an extremely cheap attempt to promote something I like but then again it could be worth noting.

Spoiler: Here it is

On the other hand, if you really do want to take your own life then what the hell can I do about it?

 

[Super Kami Guru]

-snip-

Oh trust me there's plenty of misplaced anger and resent for me, I don't think it could get any worse. I really don't think she will ever even acknowledge I exist again much less speak to me, but there's nothing I can do anyway, even if I extended an olive branch, said sorry and tried to put things right she would go psycho and call the police. And that's exactly the problem, I really want to try and make things right, make things far less horrible than they are but she has less than zero interest in this, in fact she wants things to be bad in order to justify the way she treated me. It's this complete inability to try and make things right that really tears me apart and keeps me from moving on properly and obsessing over it, it's unfinished business.

You see I don't know if I could do that, choose not to date someone because they had depression, whilst it is a struggle, how can I refuse to accept someone with depression if I expect someone to accept me with it? What I won't do is be with someone who goes on like "I'm not good enough for you, you should leave me" if they do that I will. My ex did this and I see it for what it was now, on (probably) a subconscious level people do this as a way of gaining control and think it's the only way they can feel loved, by making the other person slog their bollocks, fighting every step of the way to be with them. Partly why it was so hard for me, she made me work so damn hard to be with her then just discarded me when she got bored and someone new came along.

My team is very spread out across South East England, I live on the south coast but we train just outside of North London, a firing range isn't good practice, any muppet can fire a paintball marker standing still, there's no kick like a real gun, so we need a proper pitch to train, and there's very few of them around. But on the plus side just over 2 weeks from now is the trials for the men's Team GB which I'm going to.

Oh there's bumpers cars on the pier in my city Be great if I could find a new nice young lady to take there.

Ah ha, I knew I recognised it, just couldn't quite put my finger on it!

-snip-

That's a good quote, where's that from?

 

[Devil's Due]

Well, I mean don't date anyone who has a bad case of depression currently. If they've recovered, there's no issue, but dating someone who is depressed is very likely to suck you back in, as with my former relationships. It's practically an excuse since over time you may begin to think "well she's always depressed too, so who cares anymore" and leads to both being depressed and that leads to a very bad, possibly catastrophic ending. You just have to be very careful in who you date while you're recovering since it could complicate things, that's all I'm saying.

That's good, go enjoy the Team GB! While practice ranges don't have much of a kick, it does present an opportunity to just relax, breath, aim and fire which may clear your head for a little while. No rush, no worrying about scores or crap, just relax, breath, aim and fire.

And yes, the minute you find a young lady, take her to bumper cars. Bumper cars are legit, I don't care what anyone says! I purposefully smash into my friends more than anyone else when I ride them out of revenge and amusement. Mwhahaa.

 

[Reeve]

Super Kami Guru, that quote is from the manga/anime Fairy Tail

Which I am evidently a fan of!

 

[Super Kami Guru]

-snip-

Yeah it is something I would avoid. I know I'm in no place for anything serious, I need to be able to prove to myself I can be on my own, so I don't end up as one of those people only staying in a relationship because I'd rather not be alone. But getting myself back at there a little bit would at least make me happier for the short term.

Well Team GB is the British National team, so it's a chance to reach the very top of the sport

 

[Devil's Due]

Ah yes, the difficult short vs. long term satisfaction results. To do something that makes me feel good now but only now, or reject it and feel miserable for a while but better over time? Normally it's always better to do the later, but I just go off time. Which lasts longer for your happiness? I'm sure you'd be happy in a relationship for now about a month or so but it could easily collasp, while waiting would possibly help pave way for years of healthier relationships. So for that, I say make your own call based on your personal experiences!

Really? That's fascinating! Are you a part of this team and are you going to join them near the top? If so, that's a hell of a record to show off. Also, get a go-pro camera and wear it on your head to capture the footage in first person...

... at least that's what I'd do if I was doing something like paintballing. Weee!

 

[Super Kami Guru]

-snip-

I just don't think it's fair right now to make anyone else deal with my shit, I'd rather be alone than make someone else suffer because I'm fucked up.

I'm not a part of the team, hence I'm going to the trials, I of course play for a normal team in the standard competitions, but this is for the official British team, it's same as playing for England at football or Team GB at the olympics, only nowhere near as big.
We don't use head cams, we have barrel mounted cameras, a small cylinder camera that's clipped onto your barrel, I don't have coz they cost a quite a bit

 

[Devil's Due]

You're not fucked up, mate. You just need time to heal, after all you would never tell someone with a broken leg to just go walk it off, they'd put them in a cast and tell them to stay off it until it's healed. Nothing wrong with that. Just gotta wait!

That's awesome, keep practicing and getting ready for the big leagues, mate. And I can see how barrel cams are a smarter choice. I wonder if you could get your own for free if you are selected since they'd want to obviously broadcast their victories to score more contributors and fans, what better way than to excite them with first person video feed?

I'm glad things are getting better than how you were feeling a week ago.

 

[nariette]

Sorry for barging in on you guys, but I think you are dealing with everything really well. Most people start whining about that nobody understands them and the whole world is against them and nobody loves them, but you still keep your selfworth and keep your head up high. When my ex broke up with me, I was both angry and upset. I wasn't in love with him anymore, but I hated the thought of being alone and didn't want him to leave me. Now I don't think about him anymore, and even ask myself why we started dating in the first place, because he really is a moron. I'm sure that you will get over that girl, and be able to move on to the better things in life.

No matter how depressed you are, always try to be around people. My cousin tends to lock himself up even though he loves company so once every few days one of my family members calls him up to chat. If you just lock yourself away, you will just get sadder and sadder because you don't get any distraction. Always try to be around people, they can also be your internet friends. I haven't been around this community for very long, but it is the kindest, most welcoming and mature one I have ever been in, so I'm sure that you will find people who are willing to be a more permanent friend.

I just wanted to say that I'm really impressed at how you cope with all this, you don't seem like one of those persons who just keep on whining how everbody hates them and life is unfair. You sound like a very strong person, with a great personality. You are not fucked up, just a bit lost, you just need to find your way again.

 

[Devil's Due]

I completely agree with what Nariette says. You are a strong person, Super Kami Guru. Everyone here has gone through some terrible breakups, so we completely understand your pain in that area and are willing to stay by your side until you are good enough to go on your own again. And I also agree with her assessment of being with people, being alone leads to many hours of self reflecting and deep thought. While that sounds good, it's really not for a depressed person since they'll usually find some way yo twist it into a worse thought and then let it spiral down. When I was depressed, being with friends was great but whenever I was alone I became progressively annoyed and anti social.

Nariette, you're not barging in. You and anyone else are welcome to share your viewpoints and help! I'm sure Guru appreciates all the different viewpoints he is being given. Thank you for joining the conversation.