Dealing with and overcoming suicidal thoughts

[Super Kami Guru]

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Oh please barge in it's not a closed discussion, the more the better.

I very nearly did completely lose my self worth. For a good few months after finding out she was seeing this guy I had more or less completely lost my mind, after starving myself and losing 2 stone in 2 weeks I didn't start eating again properly for another couple of months. I completely didn't give a shit about anything or what anyone thought of, posting all my angry thoughts on Facebook, revealing every detail or her betrayal and insulting the guy, calling him a ****, twat etc... I'm not at all proud of this behaviour, I know it was shitty, but she was out and out refusing to talk to me when I desperately needed her help to work through it, so I saw no reason to keep quiet and protect her reputation to our mutual friends anymore.

Everyone keeps telling me I'm coping well but it doesn't feel like it, my calm and happy exterior now just masks the constant pain and depression inside. I paintball trained yesterday and whilst I did enjoy it, it was very clear my head was not in the right place, my moves we're overly cautious, I hesitated and just couldn't play with my usual level of tenacity. I don't think I'm going to go to the Team GB trials now, quite simply I've been out of training too long and my head is not screwed on right enough to play at that level.

The scary thing is despite everything going for me, all my hopes and dreams for the future, I still consider killing myself several times a day, yesterday evening I felt so devastatingly low I had to make myself completely freeze to my chair so I wouldn't reach for anything that I could use to harm myself. I should stress that I have never cut myself or anything close to that, but I do sometimes briefly consider it.

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I do try to avoid being alone as much as possible, but it mostly impossible to avoid, my friends just don't want to do anything on work night anymore, not even just go play pool like we used to.

Yes all view points are appreciated, hence why I posted here, I needed a variety of fresh input

 

[nariette]

Well maybe your confidence isn't 100% right now, but you don't sound like those "cliché" depressive persons who keeps on going in a spiral downwards and ignores help from outwards just because they want attention. You really sound like a good person, and it's a shame that a lot of people, including yourself, fail to see that.

It's good that you are self-reflecting and see that you have made mistakes in the past, but you still need to see the light through the trees. Everyone makes stupid mistakes, which can vary to posting disturbing self-portraits on facebook to taking a tattoo in some obnoxious place. (I hope you didn't tattoo the name of your ex on your neck or something) Just like you do with others, you can always forgive them at one point, so it's good to forgive yourself and be a bit more optimistic about yourself.

People often tend to see things differently than you see them yourself. Others see the complete picture, but you just focus on one point. I often get the remark that I am very cheerful and caring, though I would describe myself to be a pessimist and a nag, just because those times where I'm depressed have a greater impact. Try to not only focus on the things you can't do, but on the things that you are good at. So maybe you aren't a very confident person, but you are mature and easy to talk to.

Don't worry about the paintball, it will probably pass when you start eating more and sleep a bit more. You are probably very stressed which can cause shaking or a lack of concentration. I love music, play it at a considerable level and I will be applying for the conservatory for piano, but when I have a week with a lot of tests I tend to just leave practise be and resume when life isn't as stressfull. That way I can start again with a good feeling about it. I think it's awesome that you play paintball, I tried it once and failed miserably. Probably a miracle that I didn't shoot my teammates or myself accidentally. If you aren't feeling comfortable about playing at the moment, I suggest to take a break, but you should probably decide for yourself.

If you ever get a moment like that again, you shouldn't hesitate to contact someone. People who are depressed are often so depressed because they feel like they don't have anyone to talk to. In most of the cases, that is what causes the problem. Help can often appear from an unexpected corner, so don't be afraid to open up to others.

This is by the way the best forum I have ever been in, they either exist out of "phonies" or out of people who try to mold you into one exact shape, I haven't even seen flaming or really rude people here.

 

[Super Kami Guru]

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Thanks I sometimes fear it is just a brave front because I am a lot like that under the surface though :/

Oh god no, I wouldn't get a woman's name tattooed on me even while we were together, that's rule number 1 of tattoos for me

I do try to focus on the good, though the root of my depression as extended far beyond the break up, but that's a whole different kettle of fish.

I hadn't played for a few months this year and for a couple of months end of last year/start of this year, so I've been out for ages, it's just the money that's the real issue for it, but I'm playing more casually now and I'm enjoying it again

Yeah, I've never been afraid to make use of the Samaritans charity and a local NHS mental healthline number, which got me through the absolute worst times.

 

[Angie7F]

I came here to write about overcoming depression. Now I have a urge to go play paintball and there is only one paintball field in the whole of kanto region in japan...

Anyhow, I think suicidal thoughts are something you just have to over come.
I went to counselling, took medication, self medicated etc but at the end of the day it was just coming to terms with my life that ultimately made me feel better.

 

[broca]

Leaving out the stuff thats rather private i can say that (for me) suicidal thoughts are/were a byproduct of a depressive state and as the depressive thoughts (and related problems) decreased the suicidal thoughts decreased (from multiple times per day to one every few days). Of course this process still took about 3 years with therapy and ongoing medication so i can only say: it will get better with time. I know that's perhaps hard/impossible to believe right now (i wouldn't have believed it 3 years ago) but it will. Also consider self hospitalization in a mental institution if you feel like you can't control your suicidal impulses anymore - it was a real relive for me to not worry anymore about what i might do to myself (DISCLAMER: i live in a country with a very good health system; as i don't know about the health system in your country i can't really say whether this is a reasonable alternative for you).

 

[nariette]

I think the others are right: you can go to counselling or take prozac, but in the end you are the one that needs to feel better, with or without help from others.

I've never made contact with the samaritans, but I hear that they do very good work. Don't you have friends or other people that can support you? It might get a little more personal that way. I usually have a hard time connecting with people that I just met, but maybe for that is different, because it's anonymous.

From the story you told, it does seem like you are doing a lot better now in comparison to when your girlfriend broke up with you. It's a shame really, love is supposed to be a pleasant feeling but it creates so much pain in a lot of people's lives.

 

[Super Kami Guru]

I really want to stay out of the hostpital as much as possible, to end up locked up because of feeling this way would make me worse because it would end all my prospects in my mind and that's one of the few things keeping me going.

I do have people I can always talk to about it, it's just sometimes an anonymous voice is better you know?

I have been a lot better this last week, don't know what it is, but I just do. Though I've felt better before and slipped massively, I could feel really shitty again tomorrow for no apparent reason. I'm approaching the 1 year mark since the break up, fucking not just the 3 years we were together but an extra year if my life that bloody women has taken from me, I'm hoping once that passes I'll improve more. But I still do consider killing myself several times a day, no matter how good a day I have :/

At least I'm finding myself wanting to play paintball now, playing every weeked for the 4 weeks I should be

 

[ElTigreSantiago]

It seems like this site tends to attract people that face problems like this. I'm in a similar boat to you, but I have experienced something that will never allow me to take my own life. I'm sure you've heard everything there is to hear, but please hear me out.

My best friend that I've ever had in my life committed suicide when I was 16. I can't even put into words the profound impact that this has had on me (and continues to have everyday). I loved him like a brother so obviously I was devastated, but that is not the point of this. All sorts of people, unexpected people, started coming out of the woodwork to show their love and respect for my friend. There were heavy hearts that I had no idea cared about him. The point is, while it may not seem like it at times, your life has an enormous impact on the world, and the people in it; more than you can possibly imagine. I have no animosity toward my friend for what he did, but to take your own life is essentially a betrayal to those who value it. Which, like I said, is a whole hell of a lot of people. In fact, you'd be betraying those who actually matter the most to you in this world.

I've had a relationship problem that has plagued me for far too long as well. I was cheated on by the girl of my dreams, and it's been rough to say the least. But what keeps me going is knowing that me continuing to live and pursue success and happiness is the ultimate revenge against her and everyone else trying to bring me down. What that girl did to me, and what yours did to you, seems like a permanent ordeal. But as the cliche saying goes "time heals all wounds". Except this cliche isn't bullshit like all the other ones. One day, we'll be golden, so just hold on. It could happen gradually, or all at once, but it will take time and it will happen.

Keep on trucking, my man.

 

[nariette]

It does seem that suicidal people tend to crowd on the internet, but there's a reason for that: people are scared to be regarded as "weak", "emo", or "posing",but on the internet they won't have to be scared of that.

I think that most people will tell other sucicidal persons that they shouldn't do it, because they will hurt everyone around them. In the papers from around a year ago, there was an interview from a person who jumped in front of a train, but survived and lost his legs. He told that suicidal people are "selfish" meaning that when you are seriously thinking about suicide, the argument of "everyone will miss me" doesn't really occur to you. I'm not sure if that's true, but I do think there is some truth in that. Also, I think using the argument of "you are being selfish" is a horrible one because you will just make the person feel worse.

Don't kill yourself because you don't want others to be happy, you are the person that should feel happy, and you should live for your own sake instead of somebody else's. Which brings me back to your ex. I'm sure that one day, you might forget a little about her, and stop thinking about her all the time. She doesn't have the right to make you feel this way, or make you want to kill yourself. In life, all of us will encounter total pricks at some point, but we have to look at the people who are pleasant to be with.

Sorry for my late reply by the way, I hope it's not irrelevant now.

 

[McMullen]

Anxiety, paranoia, and a little depression have had me think about suicide a few times. The way I found to deal with it was to remember that there's no reason to hurry towards death; we'll all get there eventually and then, I expect, we'll not remember anything that came before, nor will we be able to register any relief from life being over. Whether life is happy or sad, it's at least worth staying to the end. It's not that being alive is more interesting than being dead, it's that things, even the unpleasant parts, can only be interesting while you're alive. May as well stick around for the whole show.

Besides, there's always that possibility that things can improve, no matter how late to the game you think you are. In my case, that actually turned out to be true. I have recently found myself suddenly within reach of achieving dreams that I'd given up on long ago, thinking I'd never have the chance again. I had no idea that any of this would be possible when I was at my lowest point.

It's never too late, and I'm now sure there are always ways to move forward. It's merely hard to see them sometimes.