Dealing with guilt?

[Argonian alchemist]

From my time here, it seems that the community is made up of some pretty mature people.

So, skipping the sob story and getting right into my question. I took part in something a few years back that resorted in the end of someones life. Nothing bad but. I just feel like a I played a big role in it by accident.

I stayed in Japan for 6 months when I was younger. While I was there a friend of mine which I had met there was getting into the midnight street racing scene.

Anyway, long story short. He became a pretty big deal. The night before a race of his he asked me to come with him to check his car to see if it was up to speed. But at the time I had a girl I was interested in. I chose to spend the day with her instead and it didn't even end up going anywhere, she wasn't into me after all. But I ended up finding out that my friend had gone over a railing in his race and was pronounced dead on the scene.

I have this overwhelming guilt that maybe if I had checked his car that it wouldn't of happened and I can never stop thinking about it. I cant even be in a vehicle without going into pretty deep thought about that night.

I've tried psychologists and such but thinking in a certain way or "forgiving myself" just don't help. I just can't let it go. And I know he'd want me to.

Is there anyway I can help myself out a bit? I'm not looking for spiritual stuff or anything but. Is there any point of view that might help me with it. This sites community seems as smarts as any and I was hoping some of you could shed some light for some different mentalities.

Also im sorry if this makes me out to seem like an attention seeker or someone who wants pity. I'd just like some straight forward advice.

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Sorry for the long read also.

 

[Split Moon]

You're looking for a person to blame and unfortunately you're coming up with yourself. Even if you did check the car with him it wouldn't of stopped the accident from happening. Terrible to say but it's true. I know how you feel. My friend once asked me if i wanted to go riding my bike with him. I was feeling a little under the weather so I say no and that I'd go with him another time. Later that evening I got a call saying he'd fallen off his bike and under a passing lorry.
I know where you're coming from with your guilt but you just have to tell yourself that there is nothing you could have done, it's not your fault he crashed. You didn't make him crash. Hey if I went with my friend he'd still probably of gone under just with me there next to him, maybe I would of told him to be more careful and he would still be alive.

You just learn to live with it. But holding onto that guilt is going eat away at you until you go crazy, believe me I learned that the hard way. Don't focus on the end. remember the good times. It'll help you through the grief.

If you ever want to talk feel free to PM me. Good luck.

 

[Deverfro]

Well if you could find out what caused the accident, you might be able to forgive yourself. Theres not really anything I can say that's going to make you forgive yourself, but you really need to. From what you've said here, you don't seem like a bad guy. Find a way to get some closure, heck, go talk to his grave stone or something.

Hanging onto the guilt really isn't any good. Find a way to let go!

I hope you find some peace dude!

 

[Itdoesthatsometimes]

It sounds to me like you are holding on to guilt. while not accepting responsibility of the matter. In that I mean you were not responsible for your friend's death. You can not find forgiveness where there is no need to apologize. I am with Split Moon, you need closure. I think you are using guilt as an unhealthy way of remembering your friend, instead of thinking about the good times. I probably should stop around here, since I am not a professional.

 

[chozo_hybrid]

I'm sorry to hear that, but these kinds of things happen. He made the choice to be a street racer and there is risk to it, if he felt his car was not race worthy, I'm guessing he wouldn't have raced that day. Best thing to do, in my experience, is accept it, try not to dwell on it and move on, maybe do something in your friends memory. We're on a gaming site, so maybe have a Need For Speed tournament with a bunch of friends and dedicate it to him, something like that. Just an idea, if he was a good friend, he wouldn't want you dwelling on it,he'd want you to be happy and move on, not much else I can say.

 

[Argonian alchemist]

I know it's late and this is pretty much a worthless input into this topic but thanks a lot guys. Like, an actual lot. It's nice to see other people don't feel too alienated on this subject.

This helped a lot more than I expected. Thanks again. I'm sure I'll deal with the feelings better in future.

 

[IndomitableSam]

It takes a long time. There's always guilt when someone dies. I think we've all had it. It does get easier, but it takes a lot of time. And sometimes it'll just bubble up and you'll still feel like if you'd done just one little thing they'd still be alive. But if you thinkon it, you'd know that they wouldn't blame you at all. I might be crossing a line here, but what if you'd checked his car and it still happened? There are always so many ifs in life and death. If I had said this, if I has gone with them, if I had done that sooner... If if if. I'm a horrible person for dwelling on the ifs in life and it's left me miserable many, many times.

It will get easier, and you'll just have to start holding on to the responses you come up for with the ifs. Slowly you'll start coming up with reasons why you couldn't help an if, and it will become a bit easier to forgive yourself. Slowly.

Those ifs are always there, though. It just takes time to overcome them and accept things as they are.