Dealing with self-loathing

[Angryman101]

Strangely enough, after watching Get Him to the Greek tonight, I realized that I'm in somewhat of a similar predicament to one of the main characters-I'm full of self-loathing and I don't know why. I have good friends, and I have a good personality, and I'm at least somewhat physically attractive, I know all this. But, for some reason, I am really not ok with who I am as a person. I have lied at least once about myself about fairly major things to every single person I have ever met in order to make myself sound more attractive or impressive, and I have never been completely honest with myself or my closest friends. I don't know why I do it, I just do. I'm not young, I'm 19, half a year short of being two decades old and I still lie to people about the shittiest things in order to make myself look a little better and I hate it. Why can't I just be confident with who I am? I'm always nervous around new people because I'm afraid they won't find me interesting, which leads me to be quiet and awkward around people I don't know or am not completely comfortable with, which leads to some social problems. I need to see a psychiatrist or a therapist or something in order to better myself, I know, but until I can contact one of my psych professors at my university to ask if they know a good one, I need some way to alleviate this crushing self-doubt and hatred, and I'm wondering if the escapist has ever had to deal with something like this and, if so, how did you confront it/improve it/deal with it?
I know it's weird that a (really great) comedy movie made me so pessimistically introspective, but I've been bothered by things for awhile and thinking about the movie helped me realize my own personality flaws.

TL;DR: Hate self, how do I diminish that?
I have no idea if this is too personal, but I think the escapist is a fairly mature site and I've seen a couple like it in which there has been fairly good advice and personal stories. Share it with me, please.

 

[Carbonic Penguin]

I generally do stuff that I'm good at to get rid of that self-hate. It makes you feel good... temporarily at least...

 

[Wedlock49]

you hate yourself because you're shallow and have everything that you think you should want.

Go and find something that you find fufilling at a mental and physical level, wood work, hiking, swimming. Anything that you enjoy because it's something you enjoy. Try adding a little depth to you life, it can do wonders for you.

 

[Safe in the Dark]

I often deal with self loathing,but that ties into my depression....Whenever I feel a bout of self loathing I do something creative like write,sing or draw,then I can at least feel proud of the final outcome,or just listen to music I like and try to lose myself for a while....

 

[TimeLord]

I listen to awesome music to keep my spirits up

 

[zombiesinc]

Being comfortable with who you are, within yourself, and with others, is tough. Accepting yourself for who you are is your first step. It's good to hear that you're aware of your positive qualities, both physical and mental. But simply being aware of them isn't enough. You need to believe in those things, otherwise you'll doubt yourself. Doubting yourself will lead to lying about things to other people, pretending to be someone you perceive to be acceptable or 'cool', and inner-turmoil.

Honest feedback from family and friends, or even strangers, can help. Even if it focuses on something someone thinks you shouldn't do, or think. Even if it's something that's simply bringing you down, or that you need to stop doing. Even if it's something you don't want to hear. Being told of the person you are, instead of relying entirely on how you perceive yourself. Equally important is positive re-enforcement. This will lead to feelings of acceptance, confidence, comfort, and better self-esteem.

Make a conscious effort to be aware of when you're dwelling on the negatives. Stop, and remind yourself of the positives.

And if all else fails, talk to someone. Now, the fact that you've been unable to be completely honest and open about yourself to most of the people in your life makes me think that talking to a stranger might be the easiest way to communicate how you feel, at least for now. Whether it's a therapist, councilor, or Escapist, it doesn't matter. What matters is communicating how you feel, and receiving honest and constructive feedback.

It's tough, but if you're committed to changing your perspective, it is possible. Best of luck.

 

[Sniperyeti]

Welcome to the human race, dont think your the only one out there who acts that way.
Start looking at the things that really do make you superior to the next guy and improve upon them, otherwise you'll get bogged down in irrelevant details whether they are lies or not. Once you have something to work on and excell at you should be fine.

Edit: Also be careful of people telling you to 'believe in yourself' etc, don't expose a part of you that will kill you if it gets hurt.

 

[Angryman101]

I generally do stuff that I'm good at to get rid of that self-hate. It makes you feel good... temporarily at least...

I often deal with self loathing,but that ties into my depression....Whenever I feel a bout of self loathing I do something creative like write,sing or draw,then I can at least feel proud of the final outcome,or just listen to music I like and try to lose myself for a while....

I'll definitely try this. I'm fairly adept at writing, despite that jumbled OP. I'll try Creating something once I wake up later this morning.

you hate yourself because you're shallow and have everything that you think you should want.

Go and find something that you find fufilling at a mental and physical level, wood work, hiking, swimming. Anything that you enjoy because it's something you enjoy. Try adding a little depth to you life, it can do wonders for you.

You...may be right. I have an extremely good life, loving family, lots of friends, upper middle-class. I love to write, maybe I'll try and focus on that.

I used to hate myself so much that I'd punch myself hard in the face every morning. I'm missing a bit of a tooth because of that.

However, the best way to deal with it is when you hear those doubting voices, just look yourself in the mirror, and say "No, fuck you, I can do this".

It's what got me through it anyway. You have to accept that you have faults and virtues, and focus on the virtues. Sounds basic, but it works. Half a year ago, whenever I thought about exams it would send me into a panic, now I'm doing them, and I'm doing great.

This is the hardest thing for me. It's so easy to focus on the negative aspects of my personality, and so hard to focus on the positive. As an example, when I'm talking to someone new or someone I'm not close to and there's a silence my mind goes crazy, thinking 'oh god it's awkward oh god what are you doing say something you idiot why are you such a fucking failure.' It's not as bad as it used to be, but it's still very much there. I know what you're saying, and I try really hard to focus on the positive, but goddamn it's difficult. Thank you for the advice!

I listen to awesome music to keep my spirits up

Spoiler

I'm actually trying that right now with some new music I found. Currently obsessed with this song:
I actually never liked Rise Against until I found their starting albums, which I really enjoy.

Spoiler

Being comfortable with who you are, within yourself, and with others, is tough. Accepting yourself for who you are is your first step. It's good to hear that you're aware of your positive qualities, both physical and mental. But simply being aware of them isn't enough. You need to believe in those things, otherwise you'll doubt yourself. Doubting yourself will lead to lying about things to other people, pretending to be someone you perceive to be acceptable or 'cool', and inner-turmoil.

Honest feedback from family and friends, or even strangers, can help. Even if it focuses on something someone thinks you shouldn't do, or think. Even if it's something that's simply bringing you down, or that you need to stop doing. Even if it's something you don't want to hear. Being told of the person you are, instead of relying entirely on how you perceive yourself. Equally important is positive re-enforcement. This will lead to feelings of acceptance, confidence, comfort, and better self-esteem.

Make a conscious effort to be aware of when you're dwelling on the negatives. Stop, and remind yourself of the positives.

And if all else fails, talk to someone. Now, the fact that you've been unable to be completely honest and open about yourself to most of the people in your life makes me think that talking to a stranger might be the easiest way to communicate how you feel, at least for now. Whether it's a therapist, councilor, or Escapist, it doesn't matter. What matters is communicating how you feel, and receiving honest and constructive feedback.

It's tough, but if you're committed to changing your perspective, it is possible. Best of luck.

This was really helpful, thank you.

Sorry if these posts are all whiny, tonight's been an emotional night. Off to bed.

 

[zombiesinc]

This was really helpful, thank you.

Sorry if these posts are all whiny, tonight's been an emotional night. Off to bed.

Of course, anytime. And really, as someone who's been there and has an idea of how you're feeling, I'm always happy to listen and/or offer advice.

Hope you feel better, even if only a little, by the time you wake up.

 

[Havra]

Strangely enough, after watching Get Him to the Greek tonight, I realized that I'm in somewhat of a similar predicament to one of the main characters-I'm full of self-loathing and I don't know why. I have good friends, and I have a good personality, and I'm at least somewhat physically attractive, I know all this. But, for some reason, I am really not ok with who I am as a person. I have lied at least once about myself about fairly major things to every single person I have ever met in order to make myself sound more attractive or impressive, and I have never been completely honest with myself or my closest friends. I don't know why I do it, I just do. I'm not young, I'm 19, half a year short of being two decades old and I still lie to people about the shittiest things in order to make myself look a little better and I hate it. Why can't I just be confident with who I am? I'm always nervous around new people because I'm afraid they won't find me interesting, which leads me to be quiet and awkward around people I don't know or am not completely comfortable with, which leads to some social problems. I need to see a psychiatrist or a therapist or something in order to better myself, I know, but until I can contact one of my psych professors at my university to ask if they know a good one, I need some way to alleviate this crushing self-doubt and hatred, and I'm wondering if the escapist has ever had to deal with something like this and, if so, how did you confront it/improve it/deal with it?
I know it's weird that a (really great) comedy movie made me so pessimistically introspective, but I've been bothered by things for awhile and thinking about the movie helped me realize my own personality flaws.

TL;DR: Hate self, how do I diminish that?
I have no idea if this is too personal, but I think the escapist is a fairly mature site and I've seen a couple like it in which there has been fairly good advice and personal stories. Share it with me, please.

I'd like to help you as much as I can mainly out of self interest but also because I too do this and feel your pain and confusion

First off some questions:

What is old? You say that you are old but that you are 19 and a half. Well, I'm 18 and I can see a whole lot more time ahead for us to continue living in this world. I don't tend to look at as about two decades old more about 1/4 of your expected life time. While that is still a big chunk of time, you need to lay the foundations down before you build your house.

Do you find yourself interesting? What have you done that you find interesting? What are you interested in? Interest is different in every person and even if you don't find what you have done in life to be interesting, someone else will find it fascinating. All you can really look for in life is the interesting. You have a lot of time to look for and explore interests.

Do you need to understand? Are you one of those people who can't accept the answer just because someone said it to you? If I said "Your life is very interesting" would you believe me without thinking twice? Admitted, there are things in this world that we will never understand but it doesn't mean that you don't stop trying to look for them and sometimes, we find something else when trying to look for them that we never thought we would get.


I do this kind of stuff all the time. I look into a subject that my friend likes a little and talk as if I know all about it. Someone asks me if I saw a show the night before and in panic I say "Yes" and then I have to play along as if . When I was 14 I used to say that I went drinking all the time and used the bottle names I read off of my brother?s beer to give the idea of a full story. I still do it but I'm getting better as I begin to realise that I do it. When someone says to me now: "Did you see that show last night" I don't instantly reply yes, I say "No, why, was it a good one?". I still have trouble with it though and occasionally I cry myself to sleep with worry, but I'm sure I'll get better and so will you!

All of these things are just down to time. You're not old. You're very young and you don't need to be ashamed of it. It doesn't matter if some of you High school classmates are travelling the world or studying to be a doctor or something else that sounds much better than what you are doing with your life. They have their worries too.

I hope that we are a little bit of help ok? ^^

 

[Angryman101]

Strangely enough, after watching Get Him to the Greek tonight, I realized that I'm in somewhat of a similar predicament to one of the main characters-I'm full of self-loathing and I don't know why. I have good friends, and I have a good personality, and I'm at least somewhat physically attractive, I know all this. But, for some reason, I am really not ok with who I am as a person. I have lied at least once about myself about fairly major things to every single person I have ever met in order to make myself sound more attractive or impressive, and I have never been completely honest with myself or my closest friends. I don't know why I do it, I just do. I'm not young, I'm 19, half a year short of being two decades old and I still lie to people about the shittiest things in order to make myself look a little better and I hate it. Why can't I just be confident with who I am? I'm always nervous around new people because I'm afraid they won't find me interesting, which leads me to be quiet and awkward around people I don't know or am not completely comfortable with, which leads to some social problems. I need to see a psychiatrist or a therapist or something in order to better myself, I know, but until I can contact one of my psych professors at my university to ask if they know a good one, I need some way to alleviate this crushing self-doubt and hatred, and I'm wondering if the escapist has ever had to deal with something like this and, if so, how did you confront it/improve it/deal with it?
I know it's weird that a (really great) comedy movie made me so pessimistically introspective, but I've been bothered by things for awhile and thinking about the movie helped me realize my own personality flaws.

TL;DR: Hate self, how do I diminish that?
I have no idea if this is too personal, but I think the escapist is a fairly mature site and I've seen a couple like it in which there has been fairly good advice and personal stories. Share it with me, please.

I'd like to help you as much as I can mainly out of self interest but also because I too do this and feel your pain and confusion

First off some questions:

What is old? You say that you are old but that you are 19 and a half. Well, I'm 18 and I can see a whole lot more time ahead for us to continue living in this world. I don't tend to look at as about two decades old more about 1/4 of your expected life time. While that is still a big chunk of time, you need to lay the foundations down before you build your house.

Do you find yourself interesting? What have you done that you find interesting? What are you interested in? Interest is different in every person and even if you don't find what you have done in life to be interesting, someone else will find it fascinating. All you can really look for in life is the interesting. You have a lot of time to look for and explore interests.

Do you need to understand? Are you one of those people who can't accept the answer just because someone said it to you? If I said "Your life is very interesting" would you believe me without thinking twice? Admitted, there are things in this world that we will never understand but it doesn't mean that you don't stop trying to look for them and sometimes, we find something else when trying to look for them that we never thought we would get.


I do this kind of stuff all the time. I look into a subject that my friend likes a little and talk as if I know all about it. Someone asks me if I saw a show the night before and in panic I say "Yes" and then I have to play along as if . When I was 14 I used to say that I went drinking all the time and used the bottle names I read off of my brother?s beer to give the idea of a full story. I still do it but I'm getting better as I begin to realise that I do it. When someone says to me now: "Did you see that show last night" I don't instantly reply yes, I say "No, why, was it a good one?". I still have trouble with it though and occasionally I cry myself to sleep with worry, but I'm sure I'll get better and so will you!

All of these things are just down to time. You're not old. You're very young and you don't need to be ashamed of it. It doesn't matter if some of you High school classmates are travelling the world or studying to be a doctor or something else that sounds much better than what you are doing with your life. They have their worries too.

I hope that we are a little bit of help ok? ^^

Thank you very much, these responses and some sleep made things better. Thanks to all that responded.

 

[Johnnyallstar]

I stopped hating myself when I found some people who really deserved my hate more.


I mean.... I stopped hating myself because I realized what an energy sink it is. Loving me is so much easier than hating me.

 

[EeveeElectro]

You should focus on what is good about you, like your lovely personality, awesome friends (if you have awesome friends, you must be pretty cool yourself). Maybe there's something nice about your physical appearance, like your eyes. I get a few compliments about my legs so if I'm having an ugly day I'll think back to the nice things people have said.
But meh, we all have off days, it's only human.

 

[Angryman101]

I stopped hating myself when I found some people who really deserved my hate more.


I mean.... I stopped hating myself because I realized what an energy sink it is. Loving me is so much easier than hating me.

I'm not really a hateful person . I guess that's true.

You should focus on what is good about you, like your lovely personality, awesome friends (if you have awesome friends, you must be pretty cool yourself). Maybe there's something nice about your physical appearance, like your eyes. I get a few compliments about my legs so if I'm having an ugly day I'll think back to the nice things people have said.
But meh, we all have off days, it's only human.

Although last night was much, much worse than usual, it has been bothering a lot, lately. I've recently lost about twenty pounds of weight, so I do have some things to be proud of. Thank you for your advice!

 

[Mr.Kitetsu]

i use it as a motivator
for example i was overweight about 10 years ago
i was laughed at etc etc
but i then bought a body building kit and used the demotivational words as motivational words
i then kicked the doors down of the other people then savagely knocked them out and sowed they're oesophaguses together
not really but i still got fit and beat those who mocked me

 

[Kagim]

Maybe your going through what i went through for awhile.

When i was in high school i had it pretty good. Good friends, well liked. Wasn't that attractive but that didn't bug me. You might just be dealing with feelings of self-worth and lack there of. I'm sorry if i missed it but i didn't see any volunteering in your list of things about yourself.

Give it a try. While dealing with the fact I was upper lower class living a cushy life i felt like I was taking up space. I looked into and volunteered for things like Highway clean up, Dump clean up(yes, that is a real thing. You basically go into the area surrounding the dump and pick up trash that had been blown away) a made soup and sandwiches in a homeless shelter for a few months, and volunteered at my SPCA up until i moved in grade 10.

It made me feel good about myself. Like I wasn't just taking up space and giving back to the people around me. It really built my self esteem up and made me feel like i had a place in the world. It might help you if your willing to put in the hard work and dedication.

 

[RhombusHatesYou]

Don't hate yourself, hate other people. They deserve it, the cunts.

 

[Chubb Secure]

stop being a pu**y and get over it we all have problems and feel like everything is wrong but we all deal with it alone and in silence now push it back down inside u and go have a drink