Desperate Housewives of Skyrim

[Easton Dark]

Your wife/husband doesn't even know your name.

Think about it. What have they called you by time and time again?

Gold diggers, all of them.

 

[Adventurer2626]

That was just about the saddest thing I ever read. To the marriage counseling! er, mods!

 

[Padwolf]

Ahh yes, my marriage is also not a happy one in Skyrim. Vilkas and I... we were in love once. When I first joined him and The Companions, he wasn't sure I could make it which made me all the more determined. We went everywhere together when I eventually got on his good side. We travelled all across Skyrim together, through ruins, through towns, to Dragon lairs and bandit lairs. He would always rush to defend me. We were so in love. Then one day I wore that Amulet of Mara and instantly he told me he would love to marry me and so we got married. It was such a happy union, I wore my nicest dress to the wedding and he looked so handsome, so happy. We lived happily in Whiterun for a while, but then we agreed to move to Solitude.

That's when things went downhill. I suppose I'm partly to blame for leaving so often, but he couldn't travel with me anymore, he wanted to set up a shop. I missed him greatly on all my adventures and would look forward to coming home to him. He'd greet me with a smile and give me my share of the money from the shop. Then after a while it got awkward. I saw no evidence of a shop. Not once. But he kept giving me more and more money, I was becoming the wealthiest woman in Skyrim. He was never there in the entrance hall anymore when I got home, in fact I always come home and find him in the basement. Not actually doing anything, just standing in a corner with his back to me. I just don't understand. I think he is doing something dodgy to get the money he gives me, I think he has started gambling with unfavourable people. I don't know what to do anymore, he isn't the Vilkas I knew and fell in love with! Yet I can't find it in me to leave him, I know this is my fault for leaving him all the time. But he knew it would be like this, but that doesn't make it easier to handle.

 

[Muspelheim]

My solution was to get hooked with someone more adventurous and with a follower-tag. Although it'd still be a very shallow mimic of a real relationship and everything, at least we could do some cozy grave desecrating together. It worked out rather well, until Uthgerd got pummeled by mean dwarven robots. And I turned out to be the world's worst widower, since there's no way to carry off and properly bury dead friends in Skyrim, so I had to leave her to the spiders.

I've seriously been laughing at this story all day. So I Left Her To The Spiders needs to be the final line in every story about a past relationship. e.g.: "She wasn't willing to move states when I got my new job, so I left her to the spiders."

To be honest, I never played Skyrim with any sort of strategy guide (it's more fun to figure out on my own, since it's the mistakes that make it interesting) so I had no idea at first that I could marry a follower and have my wife come along on adventures. In fact I never got into using followers much--I acquired one by accident once, but she got lost in the wilderness while following me and I never saw her again. I finally found her mangled remains after backtracking for 20 minutes, and after that I decided followers were more trouble than they were worth and that my Nord was more of a loner anyway.

On balance, losing your wife in a dungeon raid then just leaving her to rot on the floor is almost more disturbing than the domestic containment scenario I encountered.

That's a good point, I'll use that expression in the future.

Aye, it was a bit disturbing to just leave her like that, but there wasn't much else to do. I'd like to think it's part of the tomb raider lifestyle, though. If the ruins claim you, your arse stays down the ruins, it's part of the risks in the graverobbing lifestyle, like how you aren't supposed to recover the bodies of people who die on Everest. I did salvage and memoralise her sword, though.

But again, I think her dying like a true Nord woman in glorious battle with dorf robots is preferable to a slow, drawn out death in Breezehome. Even if it does entail having frostbite spiders laying eggs inside your robo-battered corpse.

However, at the end of the day, my closest Skyrim-friend is always going to be my horse. And despite having gone through about thirty of them, it never ever gets any easier... It's interesting how I felt so attached, considering they never actually talk to you.

"Gunvald! Noooo! Please, get back up, Mr. G! Why? *Sob* Why...."

See, that's why I never bought a horse. I was perpetually cash poor for whatever reason (read: constantly buying metal to level smithing skills) and didn't want to invest in something that was just going to get murdered in front of me.

Besides, I found a lot of cool places traveling on foot...
In heavy armor...
Under constant threat of attack...
Unable to outrun trouble...

Yeah, I probably should've bought a horse.[/quote]

That's the feature that won me over, if there's a random assassin or an inconvenient dragon or something, I can just gallop away in (relative) peace. They do get a bit expensive, but to their credit, they can usually take more hits than you'd think. Hell, early on, I'm pretty sure the horse is technically stronger than you.

The third time Gunvald ran off and massacred an entire bandit camp before I could catch up, I wondered if maybe he was the actual Dragonborn instead of me. Perhaps we should switch roles, he'll do the heroic world resquing, I'll be the little Khajiit pointing him in the right direction and working as his emissary when dealing with the other twainleggers.

What I did with Lydia was put her on one of those big stone tables you find in tombs, engulfed her in Flames, then deleted her body with the console, basically giving her a viking-style burial.

I did do something similar, arranging her neatly where she fell and leaving some bits of food for the journey to the afterlife before I left. If nothing else, it'll be more loot for the next generation of tomb raiders popping in.

 

[Gunjester]

On my first true character, one I saw through to the end, Damet the Imperial master archer and skilled thief, I actually married Aela the Huntress. I had barely batted an eyelash at Camilla or Ysolda, I married a woman with a temper and skills akin to my own; adventuring, hunting and archery.

It was oddly appropriate, she was always with me, both of us technically Blade Agents as well as Companions, but the distance between us physically and emotionally wasn't out of place. Why? Because she was distant and cold to everyone, she had her happier sounding messages and such, but usually she was quite formal and cold, and I was fine with it.

However, despite the fact I rarely get emotional attachment to any character, when we ran into Krosis and his pet dragon, I rushed at the dragon priest in hopes to dispatch him quickly, before he could fireball my wife into Sovngarde. However, though I figured she was strong enough to hold off a Blood Dragon by herself, I slew Krosis, took his mask and killed the dragon in a handful of shots, his health already lowered significantly.

Smoke cleared, I was victorious, with the prize of the Krosis mask, the most useful one for an archer, and with a new shout and some fresh dragon bone and scales. But I saw Aela no where. I maybe circled the mountaintop for times and even rested for an hour in hopes she had fallen off and would climb back up to meet me, then I discovered her behind a large engraved stone. I felt sick, not with the intensity as I would in true romance, but enough for me to stab the corpses of our enemies again. I dragged Aela into Krosis' coffin, and left her there, stripped bare, alabaster skin matching the surrounding snow. I killed everything I came across on my path back to Riften, and I'll never forget that amateur burial I gave her.

 

[Robert Rath]

I was perpetually poor

Poor? In a TES game? Is that even physically possible? If you're not richer than every single person in the world combined by halfway through the game you've either been doing some hardcore roleplaying or are simply doing something very wrong. Balancing the game economy is something Bethesda have never come close to managing.

Partially it was a function of how I decided to play, which in retrospect actually was roleplaying. Basically, since I majored in European history and am Norwegian-American (among other things) myself, the main attraction to Skyrim for me was being able to be a Norse warrior of the type I read about in nonfiction books and historical novels like Bernard Cornwell's Saxon Stories. (PS: Read Bernard Cornwell's Saxon Stories Uhtred of Bebbanburg is THE MAN.)

Basically, that came with a set of rules that covered everything from fighting style to behavior. I was a one-handed weapon and shield expert wearing heavy armor, for example (to be a shield Dane). I also wouldn't attack anyone without cause and I refused to kill anyone who was unarmed or disarmed, since that would unfairly shut them out of Sovngarde. However, the thing that affected my cash flow the most was that I refused to steal from the living. Spoils of combat were legitimate, but any kind of theft was completely unthinkable. I also blew lots of money on health potions since I didn't want to use magic, though I later walked that requirement back for healing spells, and enchanted weapons were always ok. Another thing that kept my pocketbook empty was my obsession with smithing my own armor, since I was constantly buying new metal, leather, etc. to improve increasingly expensive suits then selling them at a loss to re-make and re-enchant more powerful versions of them. Making everything worse was the fact that I refused to sell dragon bones because OMG I TOTALLY NEED THOSE FOR THE SET OF DRAGON ARMOR I'M GOING TO MAKE ONE DAY AND I NEED TO PACK THEM AWAY LIKE A SQUIRREL PACKS AWAY NUTS but of course I never even played long enough to get Ebony, much less Dragon, armor.

So in other words, yeah I was doing some pretty heavy role-playing, but I was also just not very smart with my money. I don't regret that play style for a moment though. It made for an incredibly fun play through, especially when I'd do something the game didn't expect and set a quest totally off the rails--for example, when Astrid kidnapped me and tried to get me to join the Dark Brotherhood, I immediately beat her to death with my mace because: A) I don't kill unarmed people, and B)I don't like being kidnapped and told what to do. Then I killed the rest of the Dark Brotherhood. With Astrid's sword. Because that's how you send a message.

 

[grigjd3]

That was funny. I think the developers more than anyone else realize this failure on the part of the game.

 

[Proverbial Jon]

Brilliant article. I found this exact problem with my Argonian husband (my character's female.) Always the same lines of dialogue over and over. It's almost like any mere semblance of personality that they might have had previously, vanishes the moment you marry them.

The biggest problem was when I played the Dawnguard DLC and Serana asked my character if she had anyone she loved. Because I was married I should have said yes. Suddenly I realised how little I felt for my husband and regretted marrying him. It was quite the poignant and self-revealing moment and quite possibly the most emotion I'd ever felt for my spouse during our entire marriage.

when Astrid kidnapped me and tried to get me to join the Dark Brotherhood, I immediately beat her to death with my mace because: A) I don't kill unarmed people, and B)I don't like being kidnapped and told what to do. Then I killed the rest of the Dark Brotherhood. With Astrid's sword. Because that's how you send a message.

But for this to happen you must have killed Grelod the Kind. I'm pretty certain, as detestable as she is, she is neither armed nor hostile.

 

[Robert Rath]

when Astrid kidnapped me and tried to get me to join the Dark Brotherhood, I immediately beat her to death with my mace because: A) I don't kill unarmed people, and B)I don't like being kidnapped and told what to do. Then I killed the rest of the Dark Brotherhood. With Astrid's sword. Because that's how you send a message.

But for this to happen you must have killed Grelod the Kind. I'm pretty certain, as detestable as she is, she is neither armed nor hostile.

Grelod was armed--with an orphanage, with her fists, with a closet full of shackles. Yes, she didn't fit my usual definition of "righteous killing," but in Grelod's case I decided to be flexible. Sovngarde, I decided, would be more pleasant without her.

Anyway, by being a serial child abuser she clearly fell into the category of "gave me cause," the same as if she were an oath-breaker, a lord who harries peasants, or someone who questioned my honor.

 

[The White Hunter]

Besides, I found a lot of cool places traveling on foot...
In heavy armor...
Under constant threat of attack...
Unable to outrun trouble...

Yeah, I probably should've bought a horse.

I did the same thing and had no need for a horse. Steed stone my friend.

Steed stone and Warhammers. The black knight fears nothing for he has a hefty chunk of demon metal on the end of a stick with which to smite all befor ehim.

 

[The White Hunter]

when Astrid kidnapped me and tried to get me to join the Dark Brotherhood, I immediately beat her to death with my mace because: A) I don't kill unarmed people, and B)I don't like being kidnapped and told what to do. Then I killed the rest of the Dark Brotherhood. With Astrid's sword. Because that's how you send a message.

But for this to happen you must have killed Grelod the Kind. I'm pretty certain, as detestable as she is, she is neither armed nor hostile.

Grelod was armed--with an orphanage, with her fists, with a closet full of shackles. Yes, she didn't fit my usual definition of "righteous killing," but in Grelod's case I decided to be flexible. Sovngarde, I decided, would be more pleasant without her.

Anyway, by being a serial child abuser she clearly fell into the category of "gave me cause," the same as if she were an oath-breaker, a lord who harries peasants, or someone who questioned my honor.

I followed a similar code of ethics, but a bit more gray, with a "if you utter the words "arrow to the knee" or "did someone take your sweetroll?" you will meet death by cliff-shouting" clause thrown in.

 

[seule]

"Marriage" is defined as "hey you're wearing that amulet and I think you're cool let's get hitched" in Skyrim... did you really expect some sort of meaningful relationship out of that?

Gorgeous world, fun dungeon crawls, world completely devoid of any life, that about sums up how I felt about Skyrim...

 

[Paragon Fury]

OH GOD, THE UGLY!

I'd forgotten how terrible Bethesda's basic females look without mods. Thank you Bella for making the females of Skyrim far less shitty.

 

[Nurb]

I hear divorce in skyrim is pretty quick; A shovel, a sack, and some night-diggin'

 

[The Lugz]

Bethesda: Extra dialogue and story roles DLC for Skyrim. NAU.

Seriously, I could plan that out. Honestly, it's easy:

Go through and add about nineteen or so extra lines for each marriable character (It's not that much).

For fighting spouses, have them come forward with a mission connected to their backstory or character arc that the player can help them with at some point in the game.

For non-fighting spouses, have them, I don't know, get kidnapped and need rescuing or something. Yeah, that could work. In fact, it would really add to the whole classic fantasy-epic feel of TES games: what's more "Authentic fantasy" then killing a dragon? Rescuing a damsel in distress.

BOOM. That's about five months of work by my best guess, and PEOPLE WOULD BUY IT.

this is a good idea that i support, but i cant see it happening for several boring corporate reasons
also, the whole 'damsel in distress' thing is supposed to be accounted for by your housecurls
and you are supposed to be genuinely feared and respected once you attain the voice so only
a comic book super vilian would be stupid enough to attack you or your partner anyway
other than that i approve, go make the mod

 

[J Tyran]

They added a bit more interactivity to the child adoption feature. You can bring them gifts like toys or cakes, play games like tag and hide and seek or get them a pet. You can ask them to do chores or tell them to go out and play, they also ask you stuff like asking for an allowance and they stop you for other random conversations. Its still pretty weak and basic but Bethesda did put a bit more effort into it than marriage.

My Skyrim home life is funny though, the wifes a drug dealer and hangs around with dodgy Khajiit traders and she keeps getting kidnapped by vampires trying to get at me and I need to keep rescuing her. I adopted that poor kid from Windhelm whose Stormcloak parents where killed and she was trying to survive by selling flowers she picked *sniffs* and everyone lives together with Jordis the Sword-Maiden and a wolf called Bran (you would think the Housecarl and the wolf would solve the vampire problem) in a mansion in Solitude.

For non-fighting spouses, have them, I don't know, get kidnapped and need rescuing or something.

If you have the Dawnguard DLC and join the Dawnguard there are side missions where you have to rescue your partner from Vampires and/or Necromancers. Not sure if it mirrors over and the Dawnguard kidnap them if you join the Vampires though.

 

[Thyunda]

I married Ysolda purely because she was the only woman who didn't look like she'd break everything in my house. And Mjoll's attachment to Aerin was nothing short of unnerving. Grimm is away a lot. He has the Empire to fight, and vampires to hunt. He doesn't wanna come home and put up with Aerin's shit. And you know what else? I don't CARE about how that bandit soiled his armour. Okay? There. I said it. You're boring, Mjoll. You're not some big, strong warrior. My horse could take you in a fight. Just leave me the fuck alone, alright?


And for the love of god, Ysolda, why? WHY are you running a tree sap operation out of my back door and WHY am I finding out about it from a goddamn note I found in a goddamn cave? It's not like it could slip your mind. You saw me stashing bottles of that stuff, if that didn't remind you of it then nothing would. You're a liar too. You sit there reciting the same 'good wife' lines, but you're so passive aggressive it hurts. Okay? I might be the Dragonborn, Ysolda, but I feel pain too!

God, why do Skyrim wives suck? Or...well, why don't they? Is there anything they DO?

Captcha: "CBS: Describe this brand with any words."

I'm British.

 

[Feylynn]

I am now more emotionally invested in your Skyrim marriage than the 10th Wheel of Time book. Way to go.

This is why my most recent character has no relationship in Skyrim.

Best video game relationships I've had, romantic or otherwise were all from Persona 3 Portable. I could go through it all but it would be a really long spoiler and anyone who's finished that game likely knows what I'm talking about already.

Runners up would be Liara (Mass Effect), Alistair (Dragon Age: Origins), Heather Poe (Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines), Tohsaka Rin (Fata: Stay Night), and Tezuka Rin (Katawa Shoujo).

 

[Vrach]

Perhaps attempt a lobotomy or two. Might bring you two closer together