InnerRebellion said:
I dated my best friend over the summer, and we made it about a week into the school year, when one day, she shows up at my house and dumps me, no explanation given. I never get an explanation, just "I'm so sorry" "I don't know why I did that" for about a month. Then during the beginning of November, I man up and admit to her that I've been in love with her, even after she broke up with me. A few hours later, she asks me out. Not even two days later, she breaks up with me, again, this time with the "I think we're better as friends" statement. I go through depression, threaten my parents with suicide and go get mental help. The doc tells me to stay away from her for two weeks, as she's evidently the source of my depression. I do, but I get worse. She goes away for a week, and my depression goes to the point that I refuse to leave my room. Now, she's back and we're talking exactly like we did before we started dating the first time, and I've realized I'm desperately in love with her. For this reason, my friends have started calling me a fool, and telling me I'm making everything too hard for myself. They may be right, I don't know. I won't dare tell her, because I'm too afraid of a repeat of three weeks ago.
What I come here asking is for any suggestions on what to do; whether it be ignore it, move on, find something to occupy my time.
She's using you, and you're letting yourself be used so that you can feel wanted. You're not wanted. You're just being used to fill a momentary emotional gap in her life, the way someone who is waiting for a steak will eat a doughnut to pass the time.
Your doc was absolutely right, but you didn't follow his instructions. You didn't stay away from her for two weeks. You were
geographically away for two weeks, but you didn't spend those two weeks busying yourself with anything else. So she was on your mind for those two weeks. You're not "desperately in love" with her, you're just "fixated on the idea" of her.
Somewhere in your mind, subconsciously, you believe that your depression over not being with her is
proof of how much you care--after all, if you didn't care so much, how could it hurt so much, right? That's why you're unwilling to let go of that depression. If you do, you'd have to admit that not having her is
not the end of the world, and that therefore would mean she is
not your world.
Please know that I'm not saying the feelings you've got aren't based in reality. They're just based in a slanted view of the current reality, and it's getting worse because of the weight you've given to those feelings. Feelings are not an insight or an indicator of anything, and they are never,
never to be followed. Felt, yes. Followed, no. Feelings are a
reaction to what is going on around you, so when you follow them you are letting your environment
yank you around at random... or worse, at the will of the person in control of those feelings (because right now, it's not you).
Going further, this girl happens to be the object of your current fixation, but other than this there is nothing special about her. Not saying she's bad or boring, but there's nothing magical or once-in-a-lifetime. It's only a few bits of happenstance that make you believe this:
1) She has caused you to feel some emotions that are new to you. These emotions are novel, exciting, even intoxicating... but that doesn't mean they are pure, honest, or even productive. They're just new and exciting. You haven't had practice in handling them yet, because this is the first time you've had them... which is what gives them the mistaken appearance of being "once in a lifetime," in some way.
2) She
occasionally sends you (mixed) signals that make you feel wanted, even needed. Note well that it's obvious she's not
trying to do that. She's in this for herself, and your feelings are simply a side-effect of that process. She doesn't know what she wants, so she has no problem going back and forth on you, and in the process she's giving you "the vibe" to keep you around while she decides. (This is likely not intentional, but that doesn't mean she isn't doing it)
Regardless of which of these emotions is stronger, the fact is that it is
the emotions you are fixated, even addicted to. Not her. Feelings are ridiculously intoxicated and misleading, especially when they are strong and new. The only cure for feelings is
time--they will eventually die down as your body and mind become adjusted to them and learn how to handle them properly.
Basically, take your doc's advice. For real this time. Get involved in something completely separate from her. NOT ANOTHER PERSON OR RELATIONSHIP. A hobby, a game, something. Something with other guys, preferably, so you can have the social interaction without the emotional baggage. Do this for at least a month, and do not contact her or accept contacts from her. It will be hard, but it is necessary.
If you don't, the problem will get worse. Additionally, if you
do end up with her, it would be out of an unhealthy need that will put unfair strain on
her as well as you. Basically, even if you "got her," you wouldn't be the kind of guy that's any good for her. Fix your stuff first, before trying to attach it to someone else's.
/advice from someone who's been there.
