Di-hydrogen Monoxide

[dark_taint92]

So, um, i have a "friend" who works at the Hanford Nuclear Power plant.

He brought me some Di-hydrogen Monoxide. He says its used in the coolant systems of the nuclear power plant. He's going to sell it on Ebay for like... 100 bucks a liter.

LOL. What are some great science jokes you guys know? I'm kind of bored and need some funniez to pick me up.

And please, no "no charge for the neutron" Wadsworth jokes.

This isn't funny at all. You're a very insensitive person. Did you know that young people experimenting with MDMA frequently consume an excess of dihydrogen oxide, sometimes resulting in death?

You disgust me.

are you being serious?

 

[SilentHunter7]

Two scientists are in a bar. One scientists says to the other, "I bet I can drink more of any drink than you." The other scientists replies "alright, It's a wager." The bartender asks the first scientist what he would like to drink. He says "I'll have some H2O, my good man!" The other scientist says "I'll have H2O too!" Needless to say the first scientist won the bet.

Because, you know, bars always have an extensive supply of H2O2. <-- reason I never found this one funny

I'm sure you can find it in any First Aid kit, which I know a lot of places have.

 

[Abedeus]

What do you call a hippie that enjoys science?

A free neutron.

A lot more fun in Polish, where "free neutron" also may mean "slow neutron", and it's like:

"- How do you call the guys inside of the bus that bump into other people at every bus stop?
- Slow neutrons."

Or...

Two guys go into a bar and one has significant losses in the upper-right quadrant of his visual field, and the other guy says "You're going to need an MRI to determine the type and location of your tumor."

You can laugh now.

 

[DragonsAteMyMarbles]

Ummm....

A guy walks into a full-up bus. He's dressed like a hooligan, wearing spike bracelets and an intimidating war-paint-esque make-up. He walks past the driver without paying, gets in the face of the first passenger and yells out:

"I'm going to derive you!"

He keeps doing this to all passengers, yelling about integrating and deriving them. At the next stop, all but one passenger immediately leave, some clearly frightened.

The hoodlum goes to the one person still sitting, calmly as a man can. He asks this passenger "Are you not afraid of being derivated or integrated, huh?"

"No," is the calm reply coming from the man "because I'm e to the power of x."

BA Dum DUM Dish

To which he presumably replied "Well, I'm dx/dy. You're screwed."
I'll go and stand in the corner now.

 

[funguy2121]

are you being serious?

It's more fun if you don't know.
























I'd be pretty ridiculous if I were though, huh?

 

[Xanadu84]

Two Atoms are talking to each other. One says, "Oh no, I think I lost an electron!" The second one asks, "Are you sure?". The first says, "I'm positive."

 

[dark_taint92]

Two Atoms are talking to each other. One says, "Oh no, I think I lost an electron!" The second one asks, "Are you sure?". The first says, "I'm positive."

i think wadsworth tells that one in fallout 3 its so.. i cant describe it

are you being serious?

It's more fun if you don't know

I'd be pretty ridiculous if I were though, huh?

yeah it would be.

 

[atalanta]

I love me some terrible nerd jokes.

1. [EDIT: beaten to the punch]


2. Q: What do you get when you cross a mountain climber and a mosquito?

A: You can't cross a scalar and a vector.


3. Q: What do you call a small eigensheep?

A: A lamb, duh.

 

[kannibus]

Ol' Al Einstein's been having to pay the piper and has been on the rubber chicken circuit for the past three months. It's the same damn thing every night of course and Al's about ready to punch his clock.

However, his chauffeur (who's been to all the lecture's and kinda looks like him) comes up with an idea.

"Sir," says he. "I've been listening to you give this same lecture for three months, why don't I give it a go tonight, and you take my place?"

Einstein agrees and the switch goes as planned.

That night, after a very successful delivery and even several well answered questions, the chauffeur's gambit appears to be called when this prof gets up and starts asking this long involved question. He's bringing in multiple coordinate systems, nth degree matrices to make sure that everyone knew he was on the ball.

The chauffeur gives the man a withering look, sighs, and then says, "Sir, that question is so elementary, I will have my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for you."

 

[Instant K4rma]

Did you hear about the guy who got his entire left side cut off? Doctors say hes "all right" now.

 

[GundamSentinel]

x^2 and e^x walk in a dark alley. Suddenly they encounter the terrible differential operator. x^2 runs away as fast as he can but e^x stays where he is and says: "Haha! I'm e^x, you can't harm me!" Then the differential operator says: "So you think, but I'm dy/dx!"

Edit: Nevermind, sorta ninja'd anyway...

 

[DragonsAteMyMarbles]

x2 and ex walk in a dark alley. Suddenly they encounter the terrible differential operator. x2 runs away as fast as he can but ex stays where he is and says: "Haha! I'm ex, you can't harm me!" Then the differential operator says: "So you think, but I'm dx/dy!"

Fixed.

Another one...
A group of mathematical functions are at a party. They're enjoying themselves, with the exception of ex, who is standing in a corner, bitter and alone.
Noticing this, 10x wanders over.
"Come on ex, mate, integrate yourself!" suggests 10x.
To which ex replies, "Why bother? It wouldn't make any difference."

 

[Garaw]

Heisenberg is driving home from the lab one night when he's pulled over by a policeman.

The policeman gestures for him to roll down his window and asks, "Excuse me sir, but do you realise how fast you were going?"

"No, officer," replies Heisenberg. "But I know exactly where I was."

------

There is this farmer who is having problems with his chickens. All of the sudden, they are all getting very sick and he doesn't know what is wrong with them. After trying all conventional means, he calls a biologist, a chemist, and a physicist to see if they can figure out what is wrong.

So the biologist looks at the chickens, examines them a bit, and says he has no clue what could be wrong with them.

Then the chemist takes some tests and makes some measurements, but he can't come to any conclusions either.

So the physicist tries. He stands there and looks at the chickens for a long time without touching them or anything. Then all of the sudden he starts scribbling away in a notebook. Finally, after several gruesome calculations, he exclaims, 'I've got it! But it only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum!'

 

[turtleb]

Did you hear about the biologist who had twins? She baptized one and
kept the other as a control.

 

[breadlord]

A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender walks the horse out and promptly calls the authorities.

 

[grimsprice]

So, um, i have a "friend" who works at the Hanford Nuclear Power plant.

He brought me some Di-hydrogen Monoxide. He says its used in the coolant systems of the nuclear power plant. He's going to sell it on Ebay for like... 100 bucks a liter.

LOL. What are some great science jokes you guys know? I'm kind of bored and need some funniez to pick me up.

And please, no "no charge for the neutron" Wadsworth jokes.

Penn & Teller did it even better


they got people to sign a petition to ban it

WIN. I love those guys. I actually hurts to watch those people being that stupid.

 

[Oregano]

I know that second one's already been posted, but I feel a picture describes the joke a little better.

Sadly, I'm tapped out now.

EDIT: Oh, I found another one.

 

[vampirekid.13]

So, um, i have a "friend" who works at the Hanford Nuclear Power plant.

He brought me some Di-hydrogen Monoxide. He says its used in the coolant systems of the nuclear power plant. He's going to sell it on Ebay for like... 100 bucks a liter.

LOL. What are some great science jokes you guys know? I'm kind of bored and need some funniez to pick me up.

And please, no "no charge for the neutron" Wadsworth jokes.

didydrogen monoxide is actually my favorite compound. i often to go grocery stores and ask them if they have a "dihydrogen monoxide" aisle they can point me to. most places send me to the pharmacy...its quite amusing.

or going to a clerk and asking them if they have any "dihydrogen monoxide in a solid state"

oh the fun i have with that word.

i actually told me boss i take dihydrogen monoxide every day and he wanted to send me to a drug screening until i proved to him what it is -_-

 

[Purple Shrimp]

So, um, i have a "friend" who works at the Hanford Nuclear Power plant.

He brought me some Di-hydrogen Monoxide. He says its used in the coolant systems of the nuclear power plant. He's going to sell it on Ebay for like... 100 bucks a liter.

LOL. What are some great science jokes you guys know? I'm kind of bored and need some funniez to pick me up.

And please, no "no charge for the neutron" Wadsworth jokes.

didydrogen monoxide is actually my favorite compound. i often to go grocery stores and ask them if they have a "dihydrogen monoxide" aisle they can point me to. most places send me to the pharmacy...its quite amusing.

or going to a clerk and asking them if they have any "dihydrogen monoxide in a solid state"

oh the fun i have with that word.

i actually told me boss i take dihydrogen monoxide every day and he wanted to send me to a drug screening until i proved to him what it is -_-

ITS ACTUALLY JUST WATER
GET IT

 

[soulsabr]

it was one of the funniest things i've seen in an episode of their's

i've done it a few times and people think what a horrible thing dihydrogen monoxide is, even more geeky people don't work it out. i think because they forget their chemistry

They forgot to mention that it can cause death if inhaled. Besides, how many times in your life do you actually NEED to think chemistry?