I get a spiritual feeling; a connection with certain things. Environments. Architecture, landscapes, places. It must be a serotonin dump, or something. It's wonderful. I would kill my family, if someone could guarantee I experience that feeling permanently. It is the imagery, and sounds, and other experiences that give me it though. I peruse them, but they are inconsistent, and fleeting. Similar in theme though. Cutting edge modern architecture does it for me very occasionally, as does Nazi film footage, as does an occasional landscape, or sunset. It's like a fond memory, or something. Something lost. Cannot explain it, at all. Cant wait until I have the qualifications to do some tests on it.
Anyway. I don't think it's spiritual, or super-natural. it feels like it. God, does it feel like it. If I were a 13th century peasant, I would believe for all the world that god had touched me, that I had felt heaven. But, I'm not. I'm well educated, and perfectly aware that it's brain chemistry. I will miss that feeling. A feeling most would assume was heaven. Nothing else. Well, I'll miss other things. But, I can cope with the other things. they don't run deep. They are surface level. This isn't. This strikes at the very core of my being. Eternity will writhe, when faced with my pain; losing that feeling.
It's probably a brain tumour...
p.s The family murdering thing is true. I feel bad, hurting flies. But, in the hypothetical event that I was offered that feeling forever, I would slaughter anyone. It's not a raw pleasurable feeling, like sex, or ice cream. It's like a lovey, longingy, peaceful feeling. Of coming home. It's remarkable. I need to get into an MRI, get some blood tests. I don't know. but I need to find out what's happening in my brain, and why its connected to certain things. I mean, nazi footage; what the hell?