Do you really owe your parents anything?

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Kolby Jack

Come at me scrublord, I'm ripped
Apr 29, 2011
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This concept has bothered me for some time now: that kids should support their parents, whether during their childhood or after they move out, as if they "owe" the parents some indeterminable fee for raising them.

I only realized how much this bothered me when my friend casually mentioned that he sends half (HALF) of his not-at-all-large paycheck to his parents to support them. I never pressed the issue too much as I didn't want to offend him or anything, but as far as I know his parents don't explicitly need him to do that, and he's been doing it for YEARS. He's never given any justification for it beyond "they're my parents." I admit there could be a very good reason for it that he just chose not to mention, but from where I stand that's just completely fucked up.

Who put this idea in people's heads? Not everyone believes it, especially if their parents were not exactly the best, but it's clear to me that many do, and it ESPECIALLY pisses me off when the parents themselves think it.

I love my parents, and I understand helping them as an act of love. I DON'T understand some sort of obligation to parents for pooping us out and providing for us as is mandated by the law. My parents are well-off, all things considered, but if they weren't, and they came to me with the EXPECTATION that I'd help them, I'd say no. That's not my job. I'm owe them nothing.

I know I probably am coming off as cold here, but I can't be the only guy who thinks children incur some kind of "debt" for the simple act of being born and cared while unable to provide for themselves in the first place. I don't care if you were an accident on Prom night, an unexpected twin, or an adoption; there is no debt, no agreement, no obligation.

I know it's not that easy for some, and I can't do much about it. I just hate obligations in general, and this one in particular. If I choose to help someone, it should be because I want to, not because I'm "supposed" to.
 

Johnny Novgorod

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Feb 9, 2012
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Well you don't HAVE to "just" because they're your parents, but if your folks were supportive of you when you needed the support it's nice to give something back, ain't it?
 

senordesol

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Oct 12, 2009
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If you think of it as a 'debt', then, yeah you don't really owe them anything. You've agreed to nothing, you haven't signed anything.

If you love them, however, then you're going to want to at least make sure they're as happy and comfortable as you can reasonably make them (though the vice-versa should be true as well).

Many (hell, probably 'most') feel compelled to make sure that the people who gave them life, housed them, fed them, and supported them as they grew up are well taken care of themselves. This isn't as an 'exchange of goods and services' but as reciprocation for acts of love.
 

Rabbitboy

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Apr 11, 2014
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I do think it is polite to help them in time of need, but I don't think I owe them anything. Sure they spend time and money raising me, but if they didn't want to do any of that then they just should have used a condom.
 

Colour Scientist

Troll the Respawn, Jeremy!
Jul 15, 2009
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I owe everything to my mother. She did nothing but sacrifice so I could have what I needed grow up and I will never stop being grateful for that.

I do feel some level of obligation but I would help her because I love her and she has done so much for me. I try to do what I can for her but she never expects anything from me.

Well, she does but never money.

Probably because she knows I don't have very much. XD
 

Frission

Until I get thrown out.
May 16, 2011
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Not really, the same way you don't own society anything either. The idea though is that you're a 'good' child if you help your parents and a good 'citizen' if you find a way to help the rest of society.

It's all part of love really.
 

TWRule

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Dec 3, 2010
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I don't know the whole situation, but you may have been presumptuous toward your friend. The fact that he regularly sends money to his parents might make sense within the context of their relationship - and that does not mean that he conceived of their relationship as a sort of 'creditor-debtor' relationship.

That's not to say there aren't people - parent or child - who reduce their relationship with their family to a series of transactions like that, confusing that with 'love' or 'care'. For example, it's a common cultural thing in China, from what I understand, that children are expected to support their parents financially through old-age, and so there is a large emphasis on the children being obliged to get well-paying jobs (effectively having much of their lives determined by the obligation to repay their parents), etc. It leads to a lot of discontent for obvious reasons; all my Chinese friends who came over here to the states have complained about it. Still, they also have countless acquaintance to whom seem to think failing to financially support their family would mean not loving them.

Obviously, parent-child love, if genuine, is irreducible to material 'obligation', and since you did not have a say in being born or raised as you did, no one can hold you to some supposed moral 'debt' created by that.
 

Jamieson 90

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Mar 29, 2010
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Having children is a privilege, not a right, and if you don't look after them properly you'll lose them and possibly be sent to prison. Simply put you're supposed to look after your kids. You're supposed to clothe them, feed them and fulfill all their other needs and requirements. That's the minimum we as a society expect. Therefore as a child you don't owe your parents anything; they were doing what they were supposed to do. Why should they be rewarded or you indebted because they did the bare minimum that we expect?

Any parent that uses the "Well I raised you so you owe me," argument is an arsehole. In fact I'm quite happy to say that no good parent would ever want to willingly take money off their children.

Does that mean that people shouldn't want to help their parents? No of course not, it just shouldn't be the expectation.
 

DementedSheep

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Jan 8, 2010
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There is no formal agreement, you shouldn't feel like you have to work off a debt like it's a transaction and it would dickish of parent to actually demand shit from their kid but you do owe them and I think you are for lack of a better term, morally obligated to look after and support your parents if they need help. If they supported you in your youth surely you would want to give something back?
Of course you don't owe them anything "just" for being your parents. I know someone who had their birth parents pull this crap despite the fact they dumped her onto other relatives when she was diagnosed with mental illness at a young age and basically pretended she didn't exist. I'd support her telling them where to shove it. You also don't owe them anything if they were severely abusive but otherwise even if you don't get along great I think you should be at least be helping them out if they get into a tough spot in acknowledgement of all they have done and sacrificed for you.
 

tippy2k2

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Mar 15, 2008
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I'm about to talk out of both sides of my mouth here but I think it'll be understandable...

Yes and No.

Yes, you should help your parents if they need it. You don't owe them anything in the sense that you're in debt but they were there for you in your time of need; I'd like to think you can return that favor (Note: This is assuming you don't have shitty parents).

If my Mum came to me and said "tippy2k2, my most favorite of children. I need $200 this month or they're going to shut off my heat!". I would give my Mum $200 in a heart beat. I would do whatever I could do in order to get that money for her if needed.

However, if my Mum came to me and said "tippy2k2, you worthless sack of camel poop! You owe me $200 for raising your good for nothin soul! Gimme!". I'd tell Mum to take a hike (she'd never do that of course because my Mum was NOT a shitty parent).

So I guess my long answer short is that you don't owe them anything like it's a debt but you owe it to them for taking care of you and being there for you all your life. That makes sense, right?
 

[Kira Must Die]

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Sep 30, 2009
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It's not about "obligation" or "paying a debt," it's about gratitude. Showing your love and appreciation for everything they've done for you over the years. Some people just express their appreciation differently. It's being a human being and caring for your fellow man, especially if it's the people who helped shaped you into who you are today. I know not everyone's the same, but that's just how I was raised. Thinking of it as just an obligation, to me, is such a cynical way of thinking about it. It's not a job. Your parents taking care of you was not a job. It's done out of love.
 

Scarim Coral

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Oct 29, 2010
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Considering that they had put up with me after grduation (I was unemployed therefore I had been living with them all this time but in saying so at my current salary I cannot even afford to lived in a flat) I do own them alot.
In saying so I do know them well enough that owning them back is not a debt thing since it is what parent do and they say that I can pay them back these days when it my turn to take them to a nice Chinese restuarant and pay for all the meals.
 

Smooth Operator

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Oct 5, 2010
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Well I come from a farming community where kids are literally made as a 16hour seven days a week unpaid work force, on top of that kids are constantly told that as backwater farmer kids they can't amount to anything and should really just concentrate on working at home.
Not only a case where you owe nothing, but we might seriously be talking about abuse.

So it can be a very tight balance between gratitude and forcing people into a debt they never wanted. Same as someone paying off your mortgage anonymously and then coming back decades later for you to do their bidding, look I'll be grateful but that is a debt you forced on me and I made no such deal.
 

Someone Depressing

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Jan 16, 2011
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Aside from, y'know, extended consciousness, I was a little shit when I was a kid and I still haven't grown out of it, so I'm there for my parents and (try to) support them simply out of obligation. But I wouldn't really give them jack shit if I don't love them just a teensy little bit.
 

visiblenoise

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Jul 2, 2014
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I doubt anyone really believes and feels that they "owe" their parents by default. They do it out of love, or plain old compassion, for two people who were probably a big part of their lives.

Even the people who claim to despise their parents, yet are inexplicably supporting them as they grow older, aren't really doing it out of some obligation - there's always the hope that they can still get closer to them. Or maybe it's just for old times' sake.
 

Nukekitten

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Sep 21, 2014
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Only what love would ask of you. If you've been around your parents for 16 years or so and you can't stand the sight of them... well, I assume you have some reason for that, or an absence of a reason to feel otherwise, and would not judge you particularly harshly if you decided, 'Hey, I don't want these people to be part of my life.' Love just isn't there to ask anything of you in that case.
 

sanquin

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Jun 8, 2011
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I guess it's a matter of 'it's different for everyone'. No single family situation is the same. Some people feel they received so much from their parents they want to repay them somehow. Others feel no need whatsoever. Most are probably in between. At first my parents were still supporting me when I moved out. But now it goes both ways. I help my mother and younger brother out when I can, and they do the same. The important part is 'when we can'.