I bet that your friend does not see what he's doing in the same light as you see it. You see an obligation. He sees an act of kindness.
Do you really owe your parents anything?
- Thread starter Kolby Jack
- Start date
Recommended Videos
Pretty much stole the words right outta my mouth, if the parents were dicks or some kinda addict trying to get funds for their kicks then sure, I'd take umbridge. Say for sake of example however, my mother still supports me when there's potentially shit hit the fan and vice versa.Sniper Team 4 said:
By the same token that you are not obligated to help them out once you're independent, they really didn't have to raise you either, they could've ditched you in an orphanage, or some boarding school and hell some kids just get the street.
So in closing , whilst I don't think I'm obligated, I would say I'd be a bit of a selfish fuck to just turn my nose up at them when they've supported me.
Pfft, dude, if your parents even cared for you decently and didn't drop you off in the dumpster, yeah, you owe them something.
Sure, maybe you don't have to financially support them, but to owe nothing to the people who created you?
That's just asshattery.
Sure, maybe you don't have to financially support them, but to owe nothing to the people who created you?
That's just asshattery.
Yes, of course you owe your parents something. You owe them your life, as they gave it to you. You also owe them the not inconsiderable cost of raising and providing for you.
You owe it to your parents to be a good kid and help when they need it. Parents need to not be a vexation to their children.
I know this is a little off topic, but I've always felt the same about Aunts/Uncles/Grandparents. Now let me just say I can't stand my grandparents as they're both tea-party members(no politics, just stating facts) so when I'm asked to drive 8 hours to go see them, I can't say no hard enough. Same with my aunts or uncles. I can't for the life of me understand how I owe them anything or why they would think I would. During my childhood I saw them maybe twice a year, and yet even today they walk around with an air of command about them. As if they're all captains and I'm a permanent sergeant, oath-bound to take orders.
And I will say the same for my parents. I help them because I love them, but ultimately I feel no obligation to them. If they don't specifically ask for my help, I won't go seeking chores to do just for its own sake.
And I will say the same for my parents. I help them because I love them, but ultimately I feel no obligation to them. If they don't specifically ask for my help, I won't go seeking chores to do just for its own sake.
No, blood relations matter very little on their own. My parents turned their backs towards me when I needed them the most, transsexual puberty, bullying, failing school and so on. When I got out of the closet they realised this and had a second chance, they blew it. I have spent the last six years doing everything to build a life worth living from scratch, barely any support from them and plenty of verbal harrasment and psychological abuse. Where I am today is despite them, not thanks to them. If I manage to get a proper college graduation or more then they will probably not be invited to the celebrations. I will not have my narcissistic father misgender me, claim credit for my achievements and belittle me on my own graduation!
I have concluded that the kindest act I can do towards my family is suicide since I am not a wanted child and a disappointment. But fuck that, I am an egoist if that is what it takes to survive and live my own life. They can rot for all I care. This Christmas may be when I cut ties with them, just got my operation and there is a risk that my father will try to hurt me, so I have plans to celebrate with my friends instead.
I have concluded that the kindest act I can do towards my family is suicide since I am not a wanted child and a disappointment. But fuck that, I am an egoist if that is what it takes to survive and live my own life. They can rot for all I care. This Christmas may be when I cut ties with them, just got my operation and there is a risk that my father will try to hurt me, so I have plans to celebrate with my friends instead.
If your parents are like mine currently. Addiction problems with smoking, pills, gambling and they don't accept my offers of help or they get upset and mad at me when I'm just doing my job of monitoring their pill intakes because they don't want to overtake. Then no, I don't feel obligated to care for my parents. I have my own issues in life to worry about, my future, my education and my health. My parents don't need my help, they don't want it and if I moved out they would carry on with their lives just fine without me. It happened with my sister and it'll be the same with me.
I am tired of the stress and bullshit they put me through despite all they've done for me. You could spend all the money in the world on me, but if you disrespect me and treat me like a lesser person. Like I am only ever going to be your child instead of a helpful adult to care for the whole household and don't want to put the effort forward in helping support me. No. I will not respect you, I will not love you and I will not give you my hard earned money that I earned by myself. I don't see my parents as my parents anymore, I am just a room mate now, no longer their daughter. I will most likely never talk to them again once I am out on my own.
I pray no one has to go through what I am right now in my life, yes I made my own mistakes, but I was just a kid, I didn't think ahead of what they would do in my life, but they made mistakes as well. Never once apologized or admitted they were at fault with anything that's happened. They treat the pet dog better than they do me, hes more important, than me. All the dog does is stress them out since they constantly worry hes gonna hurt himself if we leave him alone, hes an inside dog since we live in an apartment, no backyard.
I can't respect someone who treats an animal like a higher important being than their own flesh and blood family.
I am tired of the stress and bullshit they put me through despite all they've done for me. You could spend all the money in the world on me, but if you disrespect me and treat me like a lesser person. Like I am only ever going to be your child instead of a helpful adult to care for the whole household and don't want to put the effort forward in helping support me. No. I will not respect you, I will not love you and I will not give you my hard earned money that I earned by myself. I don't see my parents as my parents anymore, I am just a room mate now, no longer their daughter. I will most likely never talk to them again once I am out on my own.
I pray no one has to go through what I am right now in my life, yes I made my own mistakes, but I was just a kid, I didn't think ahead of what they would do in my life, but they made mistakes as well. Never once apologized or admitted they were at fault with anything that's happened. They treat the pet dog better than they do me, hes more important, than me. All the dog does is stress them out since they constantly worry hes gonna hurt himself if we leave him alone, hes an inside dog since we live in an apartment, no backyard.
I can't respect someone who treats an animal like a higher important being than their own flesh and blood family.
If we are going to take emotion, love, and whether you might want to help them out of the equation then it depends on what your parents did for you.
On a basic level when people decide to have children they accept a responsibility to keep them safe, give them a basic standard of living etc until they reach an age where they can be expected to look after themself. If someone's parents do this and no more, then kick them to the curb once they are 18 then no, they have exhausted their obligation to their child and their child owes them nothing.
If however, as many parents do, they make personal sacrifices so that their child can have a better standard of living, so that they can enjoy things that their parents have no obligation to give them, then yes to my mind they do owe their parents something.
Now let me qualify that and say I think it should be proportionate. I don't believe people should be sending huge sums of money to their parents jusr "because", but if their parents needed help then the morally right thing to do would be to help out.
On a basic level when people decide to have children they accept a responsibility to keep them safe, give them a basic standard of living etc until they reach an age where they can be expected to look after themself. If someone's parents do this and no more, then kick them to the curb once they are 18 then no, they have exhausted their obligation to their child and their child owes them nothing.
If however, as many parents do, they make personal sacrifices so that their child can have a better standard of living, so that they can enjoy things that their parents have no obligation to give them, then yes to my mind they do owe their parents something.
Now let me qualify that and say I think it should be proportionate. I don't believe people should be sending huge sums of money to their parents jusr "because", but if their parents needed help then the morally right thing to do would be to help out.
I agree with the OP. If your parents did a good job, you love 'em and they need some cash, sure.
But my parents never asked me if I wanted to be born into this world in the first place so if anything; they'd owe me.
They did raise me ofcourse, and it was kinda hard for them to get my explicit approval before conceiving me so I'll call it 'even'.
Pooping out a kid (as OP calls it) doesn't automatically earn you its respect.
But my parents never asked me if I wanted to be born into this world in the first place so if anything; they'd owe me.
They did raise me ofcourse, and it was kinda hard for them to get my explicit approval before conceiving me so I'll call it 'even'.
Pooping out a kid (as OP calls it) doesn't automatically earn you its respect.
I know people who think you do, and always found that line of thinking pretty backwards. Emotional ties aside, if children are obligated to get the career they do in order to secure their parent's old age, like they did for their parents, nobody lives for their own sake. It starts to resemble cultures that put more effort into tombs for their ancestors than the homes they spend their lives in. But I digress.
I don't think children 'owe' their parents any more than we 'owe' someone older anything for the accolade of having lived longer. Love is a two-way street. There are parents that like to play martyr and bring up all their sacrifices every time they argue with their grown children. Often these parents fail to see the difference between giving what they would have wanted in their youth and what their children wanted/needed. In any case doing someone a favor they didn't ask for and then guilt-tripping them about it later is silly in any relationship.
Personally I wouldn't give my folks full marks for parenting but I definately can't fault them for lack of effort. Parenthood is hard, especially once the kids are no longer kids and dependant on their parents. Thing is, the family bond never goes anywhere. Even when the son is 60 and the dad 80 they are still father and son. They will never see each other the way they would see a friend they met as adults.
I don't think children 'owe' their parents any more than we 'owe' someone older anything for the accolade of having lived longer. Love is a two-way street. There are parents that like to play martyr and bring up all their sacrifices every time they argue with their grown children. Often these parents fail to see the difference between giving what they would have wanted in their youth and what their children wanted/needed. In any case doing someone a favor they didn't ask for and then guilt-tripping them about it later is silly in any relationship.
Personally I wouldn't give my folks full marks for parenting but I definately can't fault them for lack of effort. Parenthood is hard, especially once the kids are no longer kids and dependant on their parents. Thing is, the family bond never goes anywhere. Even when the son is 60 and the dad 80 they are still father and son. They will never see each other the way they would see a friend they met as adults.
You have no idea, but I'm not going there, no matter how bad it was for me others have it worse.inu-kun said:
Really it depends on the situation. I have friends that are still dependant on their parents, and others who still live with their folks ( some of whom pay, why shouldn't adults pay their way? ).
On the other side, I'm a parent, I love my kids, and I seriously dote on them, I don't consider that they owe me for that, I made a choice to have children. BUT when they hit 18 it'll be a different story, sure I'll be there to help and support them, but I'll expect them to make their own way in life. They want to stay in the 'family home'? then they'll be expected to pay some sort of rent, if only as motivation to get them to stand on their own two feet.
I said I wasn't going to mention the shit childhood? well here is one point, many many parents I know have guilt over not being good enough, or living up to the standards their parents held. Not me, yeah I'm a pretty awesome dad ( modest and all) anyway, but I don't have that guilt, so I suppose I owe them that.
---Edit---
The concept of the "family bond" pfft, nope... this may sound harsh, I tried I really did. But one day I had my own kids, and they came first, as soon as there was a conflict of interest that family bond didn't stop them from behaving in an unacceptable manner, and it didn't stop me cutting ties.
In my country this isn't much of a discussion: it is mandatory for people to support their parents when they are in a situation of need (as in, nearly homeless). You can choose to ignore that but if you do, you automatically lose any right you had to inherit your parents. That is also estipulated by law.
But, all things considered, if it wasn't an obligation, it's part of being a decent human being not leaving someone stranded when they most need help, isn't it? Helping and giving back is important so that society can move forward.
But, all things considered, if it wasn't an obligation, it's part of being a decent human being not leaving someone stranded when they most need help, isn't it? Helping and giving back is important so that society can move forward.
Oh, I guess I'll start.
Sob story fixin's, unwanted child here. The black sheep of the family for not being boisterous enough, always the odd one out, blah, blah, blah.
but no, the real problem is that I always thought I had smart parents. My dad was an architect, my mom a speech pathologist. We had money. But the stupid part comes in that they didn't plan.
In Valentine's day 2006, my dad had his stroke. I was in montreal at the time putting myself through school (parents didn't help because I previously dropped out of Buffalo over severe depression, and as my parents put it, didn't want to run the risk of losing more money). They asked me to drop out and help.
My entire family. Mother, father, brother. To be a gopher for my dad's architectural firm, which actually meant to run the office, be the shit taker, act as the liaison for my father's old professor who we got to do the actual architectural stuff and the like. That went on for three years as we closed my father's last job out.
After the three years, my dad hasn't recovered. Permanent brain damage. But not completely impairing. Cognitive difficulties, but not enough that he should realize he's as limited as he is. He can walk ok, remember his life, suss out things like a ten year old, but can barely talk or solve complex things. So When it was time for me to move on in 2009 when the last of my father's work was done, my mom pulled me aside and told me I couldn't. She still needed to work to support them. She needed to work longer to earn a pension. If I left, she had to stop working and they would be destitute.
Now, this was fact as far as I could see. If my dad died, that would have been it. He was the major bread winner and he planned NOTHING to take care of my family. In fact, he seemed to just really care about his work. His esteem as an architect. There was a life insurance policy that in six months after my dad's stroke, we were liable to pay if we didn't cancel it (Never. Buy. Whole Life. Insurance. You get what looks like a big sum when you buy it, but it depletes over time. At or after 62, you're paying for nothing. It's all gone)... and that was it. six figure jobs since I was 10, and at 26 I find out that my father had no money or net saved for my family if he passed on.
So you know what, if I did leave and mom had to quit, they would be broken. I stayed. In that time, my mom developed diabetes and fought me every time I tried to get her to take care of it. She made sure I never touched anything in the fridge because it was all for her and my father, in fact whined that I didn't buy my own fridge. She started to demand money for rent even though I wasn't there because I couldn't get a job... although I couldn't because we were recovering from a recession and I didn't have my college degree. And for our more astute readers, we'll remember that was because I dropped out to help my family per their request.
Fast forward to last year. My mom's first stroke happened in November 3rd. Her second christmas day. Her last (supposedly) March 28. I'm slowly gathering power of attorney because I need to put them both in a home. And surprise, surprise, the stroke rendered them both unable to realize how bad they actually are. So they don't see the need for the home and think I'm just an ungrateful son who doesn't care about them. I'm also trying to get their funds in order so I can get them into a place that will take care of them.
I can say without a hint of irony or hypocrisy that I've been more a parent than either of them have. I chose this, but only when the facts were that my family would be destitute if I did not. After seeing my dad's lack of funds for taking care of my mom if he past, I believed it. I was also completely wrong in some fashion, as my mom has her pension in 2002. She outright lied to me in 2009 for... I guess her comfort.
If I owed my parents anything, It's been paid.
Sob story fixin's, unwanted child here. The black sheep of the family for not being boisterous enough, always the odd one out, blah, blah, blah.
but no, the real problem is that I always thought I had smart parents. My dad was an architect, my mom a speech pathologist. We had money. But the stupid part comes in that they didn't plan.
In Valentine's day 2006, my dad had his stroke. I was in montreal at the time putting myself through school (parents didn't help because I previously dropped out of Buffalo over severe depression, and as my parents put it, didn't want to run the risk of losing more money). They asked me to drop out and help.
My entire family. Mother, father, brother. To be a gopher for my dad's architectural firm, which actually meant to run the office, be the shit taker, act as the liaison for my father's old professor who we got to do the actual architectural stuff and the like. That went on for three years as we closed my father's last job out.
After the three years, my dad hasn't recovered. Permanent brain damage. But not completely impairing. Cognitive difficulties, but not enough that he should realize he's as limited as he is. He can walk ok, remember his life, suss out things like a ten year old, but can barely talk or solve complex things. So When it was time for me to move on in 2009 when the last of my father's work was done, my mom pulled me aside and told me I couldn't. She still needed to work to support them. She needed to work longer to earn a pension. If I left, she had to stop working and they would be destitute.
Now, this was fact as far as I could see. If my dad died, that would have been it. He was the major bread winner and he planned NOTHING to take care of my family. In fact, he seemed to just really care about his work. His esteem as an architect. There was a life insurance policy that in six months after my dad's stroke, we were liable to pay if we didn't cancel it (Never. Buy. Whole Life. Insurance. You get what looks like a big sum when you buy it, but it depletes over time. At or after 62, you're paying for nothing. It's all gone)... and that was it. six figure jobs since I was 10, and at 26 I find out that my father had no money or net saved for my family if he passed on.
So you know what, if I did leave and mom had to quit, they would be broken. I stayed. In that time, my mom developed diabetes and fought me every time I tried to get her to take care of it. She made sure I never touched anything in the fridge because it was all for her and my father, in fact whined that I didn't buy my own fridge. She started to demand money for rent even though I wasn't there because I couldn't get a job... although I couldn't because we were recovering from a recession and I didn't have my college degree. And for our more astute readers, we'll remember that was because I dropped out to help my family per their request.
Fast forward to last year. My mom's first stroke happened in November 3rd. Her second christmas day. Her last (supposedly) March 28. I'm slowly gathering power of attorney because I need to put them both in a home. And surprise, surprise, the stroke rendered them both unable to realize how bad they actually are. So they don't see the need for the home and think I'm just an ungrateful son who doesn't care about them. I'm also trying to get their funds in order so I can get them into a place that will take care of them.
I can say without a hint of irony or hypocrisy that I've been more a parent than either of them have. I chose this, but only when the facts were that my family would be destitute if I did not. After seeing my dad's lack of funds for taking care of my mom if he past, I believed it. I was also completely wrong in some fashion, as my mom has her pension in 2002. She outright lied to me in 2009 for... I guess her comfort.
If I owed my parents anything, It's been paid.
Chaos Isaac said:
I didn't ask to be created. It was thrust upon me. By their thrusting... *guh*spartan231490 said:
I'm all for gratitude, and I think repaying a favor, no matter how big or small, is a fantastic thing to do. But I emphatically stress the difference between a favor, and a deal. Favors are done with no expectation of reciprocation. Deals are not.
But bearing a child and raising it are neither; it's a responsibility. If you have a child, you damn well better take care of it or you are not really being a parent. Even if you go above and beyond with what that child needs, all you are doing is fulfilling that duty to that child. Soldiers don't get paid more for earning the Medal of Honor. Parents don't deserve more from their children for good parenting.
The parents that don't take responsibility for the bad that you do aren't entitled to take credit for the good that you do.
Apart from that, unless they went above and beyond you don't owe them for doing what they are supposed to do but. It is decent to show appreciation.
Apart from that, unless they went above and beyond you don't owe them for doing what they are supposed to do but. It is decent to show appreciation.
Nope. If, for example, someone's father was a huge jerk to them and pretty much abandoned them, this person does not owe their father anything. A person does not owe an abusive parent anything, either. When a parent does a good job, however, "owe" is still kind of the wrong word for it. One can still do things for their parents, but that should be more out of love than any sense of obligation. If one's parents need help, and one loves them, then it follows that one would help them out if possible, right?