Do you think relationships between close friends can work (and am I in the friend-zone)?

[theparsonski]

Yes, perhaps I did dishonestly claim to not be attracted to her. However, while it partly was because I valued her friendship and wanted to maintain it, it was also because she genuinely believed she had led me on and felt terrible about it. And at that point it was still just a crush, it seemed a pretty harmless thing to do.

Was this the true motivation though? I was in a similiar situation many years back. And I also lied about my feelings, which at the time I told myself it was because I valued her friendship. Eventually I came to the realization that I lied because I was a coward. You need to be careful with things like this because we have a way of blinding ourselves to our own motives because we like seeing ourselves in the best light.

Good luck, but I just don't see this one working out.

At the time she already knew that I was into her. If I'd been honest then I highly doubt we'd be such good friends right now. What you say is true, but I don't think what I did was borne out of cowardice. I mean, I am scared of what she's going to say, I'm scared of the inevitable disappointment, of course I am. However, it's not going to stop me.

Be completely and totally honest, if she likes you as a friend for real she won't drive you away just because you like her as long as you don't make it a recurring issue and be mature if she says no. Tell her about your complicated feelings. Say something like "I both like you in the platonic sense and in the sense that I fancy you. I value our friendship and don't want to alienate you, but if you are interested consider me a standing offer."

I had a similar situation with a woman last year, I developed feelings for her that weren't returned and honestly that crush ended up getting me a really good friendship, I don't fancy her anymore but I am still very fond of the woman and enjoy our conversations.

Of course. I'm fully expecting rejection, so the being mature if she says no won't be a problem. Hopefully she'll respect me for telling her and she'll be able to stay my friend. Now just to figure out the best way of going about it. I'll need to meet her at some point.

 

[theparsonski]

In my opinion, you have two legitimate choices and three stupid choices you should never do.

Legit choice 1: Ask her out. You will likely crash and burn, but don't feel bad about it. If she says no, move on and don't creepy-stalk.

Legit choice 2: Pursue other options. If something comes up in the future, so be it but you value your friendship with her too much to risk the plausible ruining of friendship because you asked when she didn't want it.

Dumb choice 1: Sit there patiently, waiting for her to realize how awesome you are together.

Dumb choice 2: Ask her out, and then get mad/sullen if she says no.

Dumb choice 3: Ask her out, and if she says no you keep following her around waiting for her to "come to her senses".

They are incredibly dumb choices. Don't you worry, it would be crazy for me to do any of those things, that just isn't me at all. Thanks man!

 

[Darken12]

You got that OP? here, it'll help if you distill it down to the core points and write it onto a to-do list:

brb, engaging in self-abasement for not exalting this girl's trust above all personal feelings
brb, distancing myself from this girl indefinitely even though that would mean staying away from the mutual friends I mainly hang out with
brb, acting as if i have dissociative identity disorder and that my other identity is a rapist
brb, incorporating hyperbolic usages of the word "predator" and its various forms into my daily vocabulary

You and I both know that I only said about one third of what you're suggesting here and that the rest is entirely of your own fabrication. For what purpose would you do this, I do not know. But I'll make it clear for anyone who might be fooled into thinking that's actually what I said:

1) You did get this one right. I do think that he should put that girl's trust above his own personal feelings. It's what friends do. You don't betray a friend's trust because you want to satisfy your desires and feelings. If you do that, you're a shitty friend, period.
2) I never said indefinitely or that it would involve staying away from mutual friends. That was all completely of your invention. You can easily reduce socialisation with someone while maintaining healthy friendships with mutual friends. Making small talk with them during parties or gatherings every so often is not incompatible with distancing yourself from them.
3) I never said anything even remotely similar to that. I said that his actions looked predatory from an external observer, not that he was one. It's entirely possible to accidentally do things that come off as creepy without meaning to, and I even acknowledged such a thing at least twice.
4) Yes, because goodness forbid we talk about how sometimes we can accidentally come off as creepy and make other people uncomfortable. No, clearly if anyone thinks that, they are being hyperbolic and unreasonable. Why try to become better people when we can just shush anyone who tries to point out things we can improve in ourselves?

For a start, can you just assume that I'm not a predator, and that you're not giving me advice on how to potentially murder and/or rape this girl? Theoreticising about the potential predator capacity of a poster on an internet forum does nobody any good, especially as I haven't shown any predatory behaviour.

How...? What...? Where...? How would I be giving you advice on anything like that? I am literally telling you to stop acting like you want to take advantage of her, not the other way around. Holy crap, way to completely and utterly miss my point.

Secondly, that is ridiculous. Creepy? Really? I am not telling her that I like her in order to spare both our feelings. I am continuing to be her friend (read: not stalker, hanger-on etc.) because her friendship means a lot to me. Yes, maybe I should tell her. Yes, maybe it is selfish of me not to, although I know that she values me as a friend and that it would hurt her too if we ended up not speaking anymore. Calling somebody who has feelings for his friend but doesn't want to risk telling her 'creepy' is extremely Puritan, and in all honesty you sound to me like a bit of a wanker mate. You obviously have some kind of superiority complex going on that makes you think that what I am doing is wrong and that it therefore makes we weird and predatory.

No, I think you have a reading comprehension problem or a penchant for being wilfully obtuse, since you keep assuming I'm saying things I'm not actually saying. I have repeatedly stated that I acknowledge that your intentions might not be predatory, but that I am focusing on your actions, which may look predatory to an outsider observer (and, more importantly, to this friend of yours). You know that intentions aren't the same as actions, right? That what's in your head isn't the same as the things you do, correct? And that we cannot see what's in your head so we have to react to the things you do, yes? I'm going to assume you understand all that and move on.

I will repeat myself: I am not judging your actual intentions. I acknowledge that you might have the purest and noblest intentions, but they do not matter at all when it comes to judging your actions from an external perspective. We cannot observe your intentions, we can only observe your actions. And your actions are compatible with someone with innocent intentions and with someone with predatory intentions. That is what I am saying, that if she wanted to assume that your intentions were predatory and take your lies as a personal betrayal, she would be justified in doing so because your intentions can be innocent or predatory.

I do respect her. A lot. And if she asked me straight if I had feelings for her, I would tell her straight that I do. But not telling her is hardly a terrible crime, and who the fuck do you know that just goes up and tells a girl he likes that he likes her? Because if they are 'predators' then I know a huge number of them.

Firstly, people who go up and tell a person that they have feelings for them are called "normal adults". It's what you do when you have feelings for a person. You sit down with them and you talk to them with honesty. Then you either ask them out or say that it's not going to get in the way of your friendship/work/acquaintanceship/etc and that you will attempt to find someone else instead.

Secondly, I have no idea how you derived the idea that confessing your feelings to someone is predatory. I said the exact opposite. The people who keep their agendas hidden while they befriend someone with ulterior motives are predators, not the people who come clean.

Basically, you're an idiot.

Your maturity astounds me.

EDIT:

*snip of excellency*

This is exactly what I meant. boots, as usual, has it completely right.

 

[The Funslinger]

Well, at the time that she believed she'd led me on, she did like someone else - her ex.

If you think that's why, then the best thing to do is just ask her out. Not like 'I LOVE YOU!' But ask her out on a date in a way that it's clearly a date. A date between two people who may or may not start doing the horizontal monster mash.

Better to do it now than let it simmer. Or you might end up being seen as one of those guys who just becomes friends with someone because she might touch your eruption button.

Basically, do it now or don't do it at all.

 

[Headdrivehardscrew]

[HEADING=1]Highway to the Friend-a-zone![/HEADING]

[sub][sub]I miss these threads [/sub][/sub]

Go for it dude.

Better to crash and burn than to be left pondering if it would have worked, just try not to come across as desperate, pile it on slow like.

[HEADING=1]Friend-a-zone![/HEADING]

Your use of h1 has significantly improved, and it makes reading your intellectual spurts of love and attention so much more palatable, no matter how crude, snarky or offensive.

However,

market research tells me there seems to be a disconnect between you and the bold. Bold is not happy about it.

 

[The Funslinger]

In my opinion, you have two legitimate choices and three stupid choices you should never do.

Legit choice 1: Ask her out. You will likely crash and burn, but don't feel bad about it. If she says no, move on and don't creepy-stalk.

Legit choice 2: Pursue other options. If something comes up in the future, so be it but you value your friendship with her too much to risk the plausible ruining of friendship because you asked when she didn't want it.

Dumb choice 1: Sit there patiently, waiting for her to realize how awesome you are together.

Dumb choice 2: Ask her out, and then get mad/sullen if she says no.

Dumb choice 3: Ask her out, and if she says no you keep following her around waiting for her to "come to her senses".

They are incredibly dumb choices. Don't you worry, it would be crazy for me to do any of those things, that just isn't me at all. Thanks man!

They do sound dumb but I've encountered people that genuinely executed them.

I had to explain to a girl how far gone one guy was when he actually tried to sabotage her relationship with her boyfriend at the time after being constantly rejected. And said 'friend' telling both of them their relationship wasn't going to last anyway.

Other amusing moments including the boyfriend stopping the guy getting into a massive drunken brawl with three people about twice his size. Guy then went on to be arsey to said boyfriend throughout the rest of the night.

 

[Headdrivehardscrew]

Friendly relationships between friends can easily last a lifetime, ending only when one carrier of a brain and ideas ceases to be metabolically active.

Friendly relationships between friends that have occasional sexual intercourse can last a lifetime, ending only when one friend gets married, discovers religion or gets clobbered to death by a jealous partner.

Friendly relationships that get invaded by that evasive, funny little cuntmuffin called 'love' tend to break apart, explode or generally degenerate in the most astounding ways possible.

If you want it to be, if you want it to happen, there's really no advice or blah that can or should keep you from living your dream. Except the state of mind and ideas of that special friend of yours, that is.

 

[cerebreturns]

No you don't know "it's just not lust" because there is no definite proof of what love is or is supposed to be.

But there is TONS of proof that people do not understand their own feelings even when in the middle of them.


Relationships between close friends can and do work.


She seems pretty clear about not wanting to be with you, you hanging around hoping for more is just going to end poorly for the both of you. Go find someone else.

She isn't your soul mate, love isn't a once in a life time thing, and if you are under 30 just don't even bother trying to claim you understand how you feel, because most people at 50 still don't.


You need to decide if you can accept being JUST her friend, truly, and if you really do love her then you can. If you can't accept that or deal with it, then stay away from her for a year or 2 and then come back with the sole intention of being her friend, that will make things easier for you.


End point is to just get away from her until you cool down.

 

[Fieldy409_v1legacy]

Also as someone else mentioned, don't wait for the perfect moment, contact her right now if you can and tell her you want to talk to her in private over coffee or something. If you can't state your feelings in person send her a text or call her. Just let her know exactly how you feel, you won't seem stupid or pathetic, you will seem strong for it. There is no perfect moment.

 

[runic knight]

first thing you need to do is get a little perspective on how you feel, what you want and what you are willing to lose in the attempt. Sorry, anything of value tends to take a little risk and effort. In order to get perspective, well, distance always worked for me. Not saying drop her like a sack of potatoes, but maybe take a weekend and isolate yourself from her and let yourself assess your feelings and attraction to the girl. Examine what you like about her, why you want to be in a relationship with her and what flaws she has. If you ever answer "she is perfect", you are doing it wrong, redouble the distance and effort and try again. No one is perfect and if you can't even be honest with yourself about her flaws, you sure as hell are not being honest with how you feel about her and are instead probably just imposing what you want her to be instead.

Ok, lets say you pull that off and still want to be in a relationship. Good, now is time to understand the risk. Lets be honest here, in the end it will boil down to either you making a move or nothing happening. That magical third idea where she admits to feelings for you is a statistical impossibility. Thus this step is you deciding if it is worth risking what you have now to seek a relationship or not. And, it is where you decide if it is worth carrying those feelings you have if you choose not to seek a relationship. If you risk it for the relationship, you may very well make the friendship awkward and slowly kill it. If you don't though, well, the feelings you have may start to poison your friendship as resentment and frustration grows. So congrats, if you do determine after a level headed self introspective that you still have feelings and want a relationship, you pretty much forced your own hand into one of two unpleasant situations you now have to deal with. This is why I said make sure you do step one right, as you will need your big-boy pants to deal with the possible results. Hmm...rather depressing thus far...here.


Friendships can grow into relationships. Hell, I recall something about how the strongest relationships are made of three components: Friendship, commitment and attraction. Sounds like you have the first quite fine. And you, at least, have the third. The parts above, where you do the unpleasant introspective and make the tough choices and acknowledge and accept that no matter what you do there will be consequences...that sort of effort might even suggest the middle one there. Thus if you can, I would say your feelings are more earnest and that is something, right?


-sigh-

Ok, bottom line for advice on how to handle this. After you figure out if you are willing to risk the friendship to pursue something more, just sit her down, talk to her and tell her that as you have been friends you have felt more attracted to her and have developed feelings. Don't use the word "love", not after two months. Even on the off chance it is, you will still sound kinda obsessively nuts for the word choice. Just be honest, be tactfully honest at least, and make sure you have come to terms with the risk you make for this possible relationship.

 

[Zen Toombs]

They are incredibly dumb choices. Don't you worry, it would be crazy for me to do any of those things, that just isn't me at all. Thanks man!

No problem. But you would be surprised how often people make those choices, intentionally or not.

 

[The Harkinator]

My advice may be a bit hypocritical because I didn't actually do this, go for it, if you don't try you'll never know. I was in a very similar situation to you and didn't do anything, I didn't know if she had a boyfriend already or if she felt the same and I kept putting asking her out off. FYI we are both university students.

Truth be told we were in a quasi-flirting state where we'd always be talking to each other and spending time with each other and everyone was commenting on what a great couple we would be. I like her I thought she liked me and most outside observers would agree this is the time to "man up and ask her out". But I was scared of what would happen if she said no, would we no longer be friends? Would she get out of my life? I enjoyed the state of our 'relationship' and while I would have liked it to advance I was afraid sending out clear signals would scare her off and the state of things as they were would end.

In the end they did change anyway (of course) over Christmas and New Year she started dating someone from her hometown so now I'm pretty sure I missed my chance. Talked myself out of asking her out so many times and while I'm glad we still get along well we're no longer at the point we once were and I feel that asking her out was a leap of faith I needed to take.

Trust me, I spent quite a few sleepless nights pondering over the what-ifs and that only stopped because I sat down with a parent and let it all out in a conversation that lasted 5 hours and one bottle of Baileys.

Not knowing will tear you apart if things move away from you.

 

[JemothSkarii]

Alright, I guess I can say they can work and they can't work: I've had/have the experiences. It's like relationships with girls on blind dates. They can honestly go either way.
I'm not the most experienced: Had 3 girlfriends in the past and one shouldn't really count, but I'll help you with what I can.

As for the friend zone thing (I believe there's a friend zone, I'll get on that) It kinda look like she has, which leads to another experience.

Okay, my reason for the friend zone is this: Meet this girl online, chat for two years and become really close, and eventually start going out. For a year and a bit it's fantastic, she's sweet, kind, share interests. But then she starts going on about this other guy. I wasn't particularly worried since she said she loved me and that they were friends (I was 17 at the time *sigh*). But eventually she admits to liking him, and tries to make a compromise, sorta like a bigamist relationship. I ignored the alarm bells, went with it. etc. etc.

She cheated on me a couple of times, and while we were (in my mind) going back to normal, she suddenly seemed weird and then goes "I love you like a brother....but I can't go out with you anymore but I still wanna be friends"...then proceeds to go out with a guy who she thought of as a brother.
We'd 'gone out' for four years. So that is my proof that there's a frienzone.

[sub]That and the fact she was a cheating lying whore*[/sub]

Now for the other thing.

I became friends with this girl over a year, and we were pretty close, she could tell me about things etc. I began developing feelings for her like my gut expected. She was sexually abused as a child so I tried to hold them back. She eventually found out from her family, my crush apparently quite obvious. Long story short, I tried to talk about it one day and after I'd left she had 'Vietnam style' flashbacks and started blaming me and her mother for being sexually abused.

But the thing about that was I saw her the way you saw your friend; complex, impossible to figure out etc. etc. So you might wanna check out any mental trauma . In all seriousness (and apologies if you think this was an excuse to 'vent' about things, because it wasn't) If she's confused about her feelings (like I neglected to mention the first girl was) It's probably best to just leave it and try to stay friends. If she rejects you, it'll hurt. If you get into a relationship? If it's anything like my experience it will hurt a lot more (It still hurts for me, and it's been almost a year since I finally kept away from her).

Try to stay friends or just move on, whatever relationship is more important/necessary.

*Note: This was a joke...[sub][sub]mostly ;_;[/sub][/sub]

 

[theparsonski]

For a start, can you just assume that I'm not a predator, and that you're not giving me advice on how to potentially murder and/or rape this girl? Theoreticising about the potential predator capacity of a poster on an internet forum does nobody any good, especially as I haven't shown any predatory behaviour.

How...? What...? Where...? How would I be giving you advice on anything like that? I am literally telling you to stop acting like you want to take advantage of her, not the other way around. Holy crap, way to completely and utterly miss my point.

Secondly, that is ridiculous. Creepy? Really? I am not telling her that I like her in order to spare both our feelings. I am continuing to be her friend (read: not stalker, hanger-on etc.) because her friendship means a lot to me. Yes, maybe I should tell her. Yes, maybe it is selfish of me not to, although I know that she values me as a friend and that it would hurt her too if we ended up not speaking anymore. Calling somebody who has feelings for his friend but doesn't want to risk telling her 'creepy' is extremely Puritan, and in all honesty you sound to me like a bit of a wanker mate. You obviously have some kind of superiority complex going on that makes you think that what I am doing is wrong and that it therefore makes we weird and predatory.

No, I think you have a reading comprehension problem or a penchant for being wilfully obtuse, since you keep assuming I'm saying things I'm not actually saying. I have repeatedly stated that I acknowledge that your intentions might not be predatory, but that I am focusing on your actions, which may look predatory to an outsider observer (and, more importantly, to this friend of yours). You know that intentions aren't the same as actions, right? That what's in your head isn't the same as the things you do, correct? And that we cannot see what's in your head so we have to react to the things you do, yes? I'm going to assume you understand all that and move on.

I will repeat myself: I am not judging your actual intentions. I acknowledge that you might have the purest and noblest intentions, but they do not matter at all when it comes to judging your actions from an external perspective. We cannot observe your intentions, we can only observe your actions. And your actions are compatible with someone with innocent intentions and with someone with predatory intentions. That is what I am saying, that if she wanted to assume that your intentions were predatory and take your lies as a personal betrayal, she would be justified in doing so because your intentions can be innocent or predatory.

I do respect her. A lot. And if she asked me straight if I had feelings for her, I would tell her straight that I do. But not telling her is hardly a terrible crime, and who the fuck do you know that just goes up and tells a girl he likes that he likes her? Because if they are 'predators' then I know a huge number of them.

Firstly, people who go up and tell a person that they have feelings for them are called "normal adults". It's what you do when you have feelings for a person. You sit down with them and you talk to them with honesty. Then you either ask them out or say that it's not going to get in the way of your friendship/work/acquaintanceship/etc and that you will attempt to find someone else instead.

Secondly, I have no idea how you derived the idea that confessing your feelings to someone is predatory. I said the exact opposite. The people who keep their agendas hidden while they befriend someone with ulterior motives are predators, not the people who come clean.

Basically, you're an idiot.

Your maturity astounds me.

Look, I'm not going to spend too much time on this because I have made a decision and I know what I am going to do (ironically, what you suggested). I get that you are focusing on my actions. Fine. My 'actions', other than being a good friend to her, literally just consist of not telling her I like her (which I'm now going to fix). You say this could be construed as predatory? Only if I followed up by watching her or stalking her online. I kept it quiet because a failed friendship is bad for both parties, but so is a friendship where one friend knows that the other likes them. I wanted to just stay friends, and if something were to happen then great, but if not, then it would suck but whatever. But because my feelings have grown stronger, it's become harder and harder to do that, which is why I asked for advice in the first place.

Also, regarding the 'normal adults' part, does everyone you know seriously confess their feelings to one another without um-ing and ahh-ing about whether it is a good idea or not? Do they all just throw caution to the wind and straight out tell the other person as soon as they get the feeling, especially when they are good friends? I kinda doubt it.

And I never derived the idea that confessing your feelings to someone is predatory... how did you derive that?

I may have misinterpreted many of your points - fair enough. However, I think you have greatly misinterpreted mine.

 

[govan640]

My girlfriend has been my best friend for around 6 or 7 years now, we've been together 2 years, if you really believe it can work dude, GO FOR IT.

 

[Darken12]

1) So I can go up to any female friend and demand to know her feelings towards me, and if she fails to give anything short of a completely honest answer, I'm suddenly betrayed?

Yes. If you trusted her to be honest with you (and you have been honest with her as well), then she has betrayed your trust by not being honest with you. Whether it's a big deal or not is subjective and depends on the people and the nature of their relationship.

2) Clearly the definition of "indefinitely" is suitable for this unspecified amount of time, and even more so when you consider how vulnerable one is to Oneitis at OP's age. Also, I humbly submit that I'm far less experienced at intentionally distancing myself from other people than you apparently are. Who knew that instead of being incredibly inconvenient and impractical, it'd only be somewhat inconvenient and impractical.

The best cure for Oneitis is finding someone else, and this distancing is a tool for letting him open himself to the idea of finding someone else. Once he gets into a relationship and he no longer has feelings for her, there's no reason to continue the distancing.

I prefer to see it as a temporary minor inconvenience.

3) That external observer being you. Or someone who happens to share the exact same prejudices and outlook as you, which probably doesn't leave that many, unless I'm drastically underestimating the demographic of people who think it isn't overly dramatic and unnecessary to characterize a case of moderate social ineptitude/awkwardness with words usually used to describe the activities of rapists, pedophiles, kidnappers, guys who grope women on subways, and wildlife on the African savannah.

Oh, I'm sorry if you think my language is woefully inadequate to describe the current situation. I certainly never associated the OP with any of the things you mention here. I used the word "creepy" several times, was that not enough? Because I consider that describing a rapist, lion or kidnapper as "creepy" would be a vast understatement.

4) Creepy & uncomfortable! Oh look, two perfectly adequate words that would've sufficiently described the situation and been used to full effect if you weren't a card carrying member of Obscure-Demographic-I-Just-Mentioned-^Above-Stan.

I mentioned the word creepy several times and addressed the girl's comfort at least once or twice. I think you just zeroed in with a laserlike focus on the word predatory to the detriment of everything else.

Really, you honestly think OP should go around pretending like the girl has a restraining order on him?

No, I think the OP should either come clean to the girl or distance himself from her long enough for his feelings to fade and his interest in other women could be sparked by another person (and this time, avoiding the same mistake of telling the girl that he doesn't have feelings for her when he does). That you are vastly exaggerating for effect does nothing but discredit sound advice.

Look, I'm not going to spend too much time on this because I have made a decision and I know what I am going to do (ironically, what you suggested). I get that you are focusing on my actions. Fine. My 'actions', other than being a good friend to her, literally just consist of not telling her I like her (which I'm now going to fix). You say this could be construed as predatory? Only if I followed up by watching her or stalking her online. I kept it quiet because a failed friendship is bad for both parties, but so is a friendship where one friend knows that the other likes them. I wanted to just stay friends, and if something were to happen then great, but if not, then it would suck but whatever. But because my feelings have grown stronger, it's become harder and harder to do that, which is why I asked for advice in the first place.

Not really, stalking or watching aren't necessary for someone who wants to manipulate another person into having sex/getting into a relationship with them. If your intentions weren't innocent and you were faking your friendship with her for an ulterior motive, that's all it would take to construe your actions as creepy (not using the word predatory anymore to avoid further outrage).

I get what you're saying, but you have to admit that the idea of waiting and hoping that it becomes something more isn't the noblest, particularly when appended with the "wait for the right moment to come clean when it might be used as a stepping stone to turn the friendship into a romantic relationship" thing you said earlier. I'm not saying you are a cold manipulator, I am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you are telling us the truth, but even then the idea of keeping quiet is not the kindest or most ethic thing to do to a friend. What if it was another kind of secret that might end the relationship? Wouldn't you come clean if you had accidentally got her parent/s fired, killed her pet or any other thing that would be more beneficial for you to keep quiet about?

I'm advocating that you do the right thing here, which is to either come clean or distance yourself from her until you no longer feel that way (and therefore you are no longer lying), that's all.

Also, regarding the 'normal adults' part, does everyone you know seriously confess their feelings to one another without um-ing and ahh-ing about whether it is a good idea or not? Do they all just throw caution to the wind and straight out tell the other person as soon as they get the feeling, especially when they are good friends? I kinda doubt it.

Yeah, that's actually how it goes. If the girl is a stranger, you make eye contact with her, smile, see how she responds. If she smiles back or looks interested, you approach, introduce yourself, make idle chit chat, get to know each other, flirt lightly, see how she reacts to that, flirt a bit more heavily if she's receptive and eventually ask her out. If she's someone you know as an acquaintance, you skip the idle chit chat and introductions and either ask her out as a casual "let's see what happens, no pressure" thing or start with flirting to see if she's into you. If she's a friend and you confirm after some introspection that you have feelings for them, you sit them down, tell them, and then explain that you won't let it get in the way of your friendship because you appreciate them too much.

It's really not that complicated. I've done it myself. You can't control your feelings, but you can control what you do about them, and that's what matters.

And I never derived the idea that confessing your feelings to someone is predatory... how did you derive that?

From this:

and who the fuck do you know that just goes up and tells a girl he likes that he likes her? Because if they are 'predators' then I know a huge number of them.

I took to mean "they" as the subject of the sentence immediately preceding that one. So to me, "they" were "those who go up and tell a girl he likes that he likes her."

Pronouns can be tricky to us foreigners.

I may have misinterpreted many of your points - fair enough. However, I think you have greatly misinterpreted mine.

Fair enough, I suppose.

 

[Rascarin]

Can you have a relationship with a close friend? I certainly hope so; I'm marrying my best friend this year...

 

[rednose1]

While I am completely rooting for ya, my gut tells me you're in the friendzone brother. She felt bad for leading you on, and you said you didn't have feelings for her anymore. She might assume that is still the case. Best bet is to just be honest with her and tell her exactly how you feel about her. I know this is harder to do than it seems (since we've all been there) but eventually she'll find someone else if you don't try, and you'll constantly be kicking yourself wondering, "why didn't I try??"


Remember, in every choice, the best action is the correct one, the second best is the wrong action, and the worst is no action.