Done thread- no more comments please.

[Lpreki93]

I understand completely that looking at his facebook was an invasion of privacy, and I don't at all feel any good about it. I know I made a mistake and I really regret it. But a part of me is a little thankful I did because if I hadn't, I would have believed him when he said there's nothing more than friendship going on between them. But now I actually know that there was more. One thing he's always talking about is that I have a lot of guy friends as well, which is why I've always tried getting over them being friends. But the difference is that I've never had any romantic connections with any of my guy friends. He knows that he's always my first choice. And I don't ditch him to hang out. Which is actually what he did a few nights ago when I went over.

And we've obviously out of high school now. And even during high school, we never really had any drama in our relationship other than the flirting with his ex.

 

[Evil Top Hat]

That guy sounds like a serious jerk. He knew that what he was doing was bothering you, and yet he blatantly carried on doing it. it sounds to me like he doesn't care about you as much as you care about him. I'm not exactly a relationship expert, but I think you're totally justified to dump him and never look back.

 

[Mortons4ck]

Sorry, but in a relationship, you don't get to decide who your lover's friends are. How would you feel if he didn't approve of one of your friendships? You'd be offended, right?

While I agree with you, it seems that in this particular case the OP's boyfriend and his ex seem to be a bit more than friends.

Case and point:

A few days ago I went over his house and caught them sitting on the back porch massaging each other's feet.

That kind of intimate touching seems a little too "have your cake and eat it too" and doesn't seem that they are just friends.

 

[Alexlion]

Recently, she's moved away to college, but he has been texting her more and more often.

Ah, High School romance. So full of melodrama.

Sorry, but in a relationship, you don't get to decide who your lover's friends are. How would you feel if he didn't approve of one of your friendships? You'd be offended, right?

You have no right to hold anything on his Facebook account against him. That was private info that held nothing but flirtation - flirtation, you said, that he also does in "real life".

When people have seen each other naked, it changes things. There's an edge to the flirting that wasn't there before. But here's the kicker:

If he wanted to be with her, he'd be with her. He's not. He's with you.

That should be all the proof you need.

Unless she dumped him. Its never black and white

TBH I agree with the above to an extent you might be expecting a fantasy sucessful relationships come from compramise, obviously his friends should be his to choose but he should take your feelings into account, if he however blindly dismisses them then i wouldnt think its going to work.

On the facebook thing that is a gross invasion of privacy the situation might be enough to warrent the lack of trust but its still a lack of respect to read peoples private documents.
That being said if he did indeed break ur trust and flirt with this girl on facebook then ur both in the wrong frankly.

In short talk, if you can both sit down and discuss your feelings on the matter then you might be able to come to some kind of compramise or at least help him understand your feelings. If you cant solve that problem then its probably going to pursist then you need to decide if its something you can learn to live with if not then your better of parting.

 

[Gudrests]

He cheated on you...lied about to your face....Dump him.

 

[Lpreki93]

Now that I think about it, I really hope he doesn't read this >.>

And to make one thing clear, other than the trust issues I have with him, he really is an amazing guy and my best friend. That's why I'm so torn. We've been so close for 3 years, and I can't imagine myself being with anyone else.
Everyone who assumes that he was cheating is doing exactly what I've been doing, assuming. That's why I made this, to see if I was justified in my reaction or if maybe I need to give him another chance to explain and work things out.

It feels like we're meant to be, because we just sort of naturally click together. But at the same time, I don't know if that's just me being overly optimistic.

And again, I still feel awful about the facebook thing, especially since it's FACEBOOK and seems so childish. But it seems like most of the people here have the same idea: "talk to him"

 

[Davih]

Drop the asshole! he is NOT worth your time if he even dares to think about the thought of cheating.

But your assuming that he is thinking about cheating, which the OP has said nothing about. She can't read minds remember. Flirting with someone is not cheating, although I would consider this to be over-friendly.

Talk to him. Probably one of the most important things to do, and then make a decision based of your talk. If you break up with him, over something that could be completely harmless then you may regret it without knowing the truth. He may agree to cut back on the contact, if you just tell him you are not comfortable with him being with his ex all the time.
So yeah, talk to him first, decide after if you wish to stay with him or not.

 

[kyllmikael]

Not something I'd prefer to openly admit on the escapist but I've been the guy in this situation. Not to get too wordy but I was actively courting my ex while I dated a girl who I claimed to be in love with. I mean simply enough, I wanted my ex more than my then current girlfriend. The ex wasn't sure if it would work because it didn't the time before that and I didn't want to be alone. I hate to admit acting like this but I kept my then current girlfriend as a back up plan. And I know many a guy who have done the exact same thing.

 

[Grant Hobba]

Her best friend could just be causing trouble because his ex might want him. You need to have a talk with him, not accuse him of anything, it will just make him defensive regardless of guilt.

You aren't doing anything wrong, in fact just about everyone who has emotions would do what you did

 

[SidingWithTheEnemy]

Look Sweetheart, I know you have some serious problems with your boyfriend, but really, are you aware that you asking the Escapist community of all people to give you some advices?
Look at the threads here. LOOK what kind of nerdy, geek like, asexual, alienating, ponyloving, sexually undernourished people are scuffled around here?
Are you sure you really want their advice?

If you want an advice from a videogamer, I would suggest the same thing Notch did:
Take your boyfriend, have an Quake Arena Deathmatch and the winner takes all. If you win, he has to stop or he get's dumped. If he wins, he can continue his thing or he stop volontarily and wish for bl*wj*b if you both are into that sort of thing.

But if you want an advice from a role playing gamer:
Make up your mind and succed a roll of a 20-sided dice.

In my opinion, right now you are just looking for an excuse, some scapegoats for psychological support so that you don't feel guilty because you had the support of the comunity. Sorry to dissapoint, but It's your relationship and your responsability to take. So be a brave young girl and do the right thing. You know that clichèd your heart knows the way bullsh*t - so act like it.

 

[alx438]

Well, if this is who I think it is we both know eacother and the guy in question here. If I am incorrect in my assumption here then I apologize for the confusion this may cause. If you are the person I believe you to be then we both know that this guy doesn't always make the best decisions even if he doesn't mean any harm by it. I think your best option, like many of the other people here agree with, is to talk it out and see if you can get you anywhere. If you can work something out then you must also be careful and watch for any of the same signs you had before you found out. Also posting this here may not have been the best idea as we both know he checks this site and may come accross it himself.

 

[iLikeHippos]

Recently, she's moved away to college, but he has been texting her more and more often.

When people have seen each other naked, it changes things. There's an edge to the flirting that wasn't there before. But here's the kicker:

If he wanted to be with her, he'd be with her. He's not. He's with you.

That should be all the proof you need.

But to what end has he chosen to remain? That is the question.

Is it love? Is it duty? Is it indifference, or is it doubt, of a few examples? There is but only one way to obtain this answer in a morally correct and straight manner:

Ask him, personally. As many others before have listed as a viable option.

 

[boyvirgo666]

If you've asked him to stop and he hasn't I would say you're justified in your actions.

There we go. Best answer.

 

[Dr Snakeman]

But it seems like most of the people here have the same idea: "talk to him"

There's a reason for that: it's the only option. Otherwise, you'll be be acting like a child, not a rational adult.

I agree that it doesn't look good from what you've told us, but you never dump someone just because they "might" be cheating. Confront him gently yet firmly about it, and give him the chance to explain himself. If he can't, and is, in fact, unfaithful, break it off with him.

But if you've been together this long, you owe him the benefit of the doubt. He's innocent until proven guilty. Of course, if he is guilty, you shouldn't have to put up with it.

Edit: Of course, if it is just flirting, and you're not okay with it, then you need to ask him to stop. If he won't respect that, then, again, drop him like a hot potato.

Communication. It's essential.

 

[BishopofAges]

Love is about respect, communication, and devotion. If he can see how uneasy this behavior makes you and continues, he's not respecting you, if he seems distant and not communicating then that is an issue.

You need to get your head together and figure out what you want to say to him and say it. Otherwise this uneasiness is going to continue and give you a whole lot of issues.

 

[Suirahpla]

Date his ex. He'll never see it coming.

 

[floopdawoop]

So I would have to say he's in the wrong.

Spoiler: Thought that this may just fit here.

 

[WeAreStevo]

I'm not good with relationships, but I love him more than anything and I wish I could believe what he says.
So what do you think Escapist? Does his little friendship seem a little too friendly? Or am I just being a paranoid bad girlfriend??

Long story short. He's not worth it.

I know you love him and whatnot, but in the end, he will only end up hurting you over and over. He clearly has feelings for his ex and if he cared back then he would not being carrying on with her n that fashion.

Long story short, I'd say dump his ass, find someone new who is unattached and available and get the boyfriend you deserve, not some jackass who sneaks around behind your back.

Trust me, I've dated many a girl who has done the same and it hurt like hell to leave them but in hindsight it was the best decision I've ever made.

Good luck to you

 

[Broax]

It's actually quite simple...

1) You obviously lost your trust in him. He's obviously being a bit childish. If you combine those two points together there's no way on earth why such a relationship should continue.

2) I don't like when men/women change who they are because of a relationship but there's an obvious amount of restrain (specially around an ex) out of respect (at the very least) for the other part.

3) You broke the golden rule... In my book checking his FB without his knowledge is at par with cheating... If you do it it means you don't trust him and if you don't trust him you must break up. I'm not saying you don't have reasons to do what you did but when you do it it's pretty much a point of no return.

4) You look like a cute girl so just get some other guy... There's a ton of "perfect" "unique" fits for you... You just need to search for them!

That said... You need to take off your breakup goggles and look back to your relationship as it really was... How it was making you feel... When the breakup is recent you only remember the good stuff but give it a couple of days/weeks and the breakup goggles will stop working and you'll see your relationship for what it really was... Try to learn with that and don't make the same mistakes.

PS: How the hell did you put up with that crap for 3 years!?

EDIT: I subscribe what the guy above me said...