[http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v440/JackRubyultima/?action=view¤t=duke-nukem-3d-1.jpg]
Confusion overtook Duke as he realized he shot himself in the foot? several times?
Because I am now convinced that ?Duke Nukem Forever? is in the hands of phenomenal idiots, it falls to Xbox Live to deliver a good helping of the misogynistic alien killing pork roast from the 32-bit era. In other words, ?Duke Nukem 3D? from developer 3D realms has just arrived on the Xbox Live marketplace for 800 MS points. Honestly, I don?t even think there is a point of reviewing ?Duke Nukem 3D?. Most of the gaming generation that grew up in the 90?s has forgotten about him and all the kids who came afterward probably don?t even care. They?re all too busy wetting themselves over Gears of War 2 (now a mere weeks away). Even so, the prequel to the long forgotten Duke Nukem forever has re-emerged. So what can I take from the franchise?
Not much, my friends. Not much
The game starts with Duke?s ship being shot down in Los Angeles. From the looks of the level, it must be the porn district because almost every business is either a porno theater or strip club or adult film shop. I am not kidding when I say that this entire area is just loaded with porn, strippers, and aliens. Eventually, however, you?re taken to desert mesas, desecrated churches, and over run space stations in your ever-lasting crusade to slaughter everything without the decency to not be born human.
Oh and there are a lot of naked ladies covered in alien goo. I?m sure that?s bound to tantalize someone out there.
You spend most of the game shooting your way through the legions of alien baddies while seeking multi-colored keys and activating a series of switches to open many doors just to find that one Auto Destruct switch that ends the level and in most situations, I?m fine with that. That?s what made the FPS genre great. The problem is that the levels are huge. And I don?t mean the ?wow, check out the open world and sprawling vistas of Halo? huge. I mean the ?Jesus Christ is level is so goddamn long when will it end?? huge. Eventually, you?ve killed almost every pig cop and lizard soldier in the level and want to proceed to the next. So you end up spending twenty minutes going over every spare inch of the level looking for one switch or card key only to find that you missed that one crack in the wall at the very beginning of the level that holds the card key. This would be fine in, say, a puzzle game or RPG but this is a FPS for God?s sake! All I want to do is mow down legions of baddies
Another ?dick-move?, as the common vernacular states, would be the nearly impossible enemies who all seem to draw a bead on you as soon as you step into the room. Most of the time, the door has barely opened before they?ve gotten at least one pot shot with a shotgun. I haven?t decided which enemy I hate more: the floating suicide bomber drones that hang near the ceiling where they?re hard to shoot or the giant pig alien at the end of episode one who can shoot you no matter where you?re standing.
In the days of ?quicksave? this would be a problem. Fortunately, Duke Nukem allows you to rewind the level from the point you died so you can start from anywhere. This removes the dreaded ?I saved right before walking into a pig lizards rocket barrage? conundrum. For that, I am glad. And if it had come in a game that was actually ?good?, it would have meant a lot to me.
I will give Duke Nukem 3D this much: it is the only place on Xbox live where you can play a classic FPS style death match, but that?s not saying much. There are only two modes; ?One on One? and ?Free For All?. ?One on One? is pointless, since the levels are so big you?ll spend most of your time trying to find your opponent rather than shoot him. This of course leaves ?free for all?, but even this is hit and miss since I barely find more that three people to play with.
I know what most of you Duke Nukem Fanboys (there has to be some left, right?) are gonna say. ?Oh, it?s an old game and you?re judging it too unfairly!? I?ll concede that this is an old game, but here is the real problem: This is not a classic game in a new package. This is a classic game in a cheap, paper package someone bought at the ?Dollar Tree? for you to distract you from the fact that they don?t have the money they owe you from that time you bought them a new car. As a port, it is presented horribly. At several points, the game is loaded with bug and glitches, such as a recurring glitch in the second episode where Duke starts ranting out every catch phrase in the game until finally he just starts spewing white noise.
I honestly thought he was possessed by a cyber-demon, which would have made for a better game.
If you?re a die-hard fan of Duke Nukem (and I cannot imagine you are, considering the whole ?Forever? incident), then you may want to at least try Duke Nukem 3D out. If you?re someone curious about FPS games from the nineties, there are much better options on Xbox live (I?m looking at you ?Marathon: Durandal?).
Judgement: Skip it
Confusion overtook Duke as he realized he shot himself in the foot? several times?
Because I am now convinced that ?Duke Nukem Forever? is in the hands of phenomenal idiots, it falls to Xbox Live to deliver a good helping of the misogynistic alien killing pork roast from the 32-bit era. In other words, ?Duke Nukem 3D? from developer 3D realms has just arrived on the Xbox Live marketplace for 800 MS points. Honestly, I don?t even think there is a point of reviewing ?Duke Nukem 3D?. Most of the gaming generation that grew up in the 90?s has forgotten about him and all the kids who came afterward probably don?t even care. They?re all too busy wetting themselves over Gears of War 2 (now a mere weeks away). Even so, the prequel to the long forgotten Duke Nukem forever has re-emerged. So what can I take from the franchise?
Not much, my friends. Not much
The game starts with Duke?s ship being shot down in Los Angeles. From the looks of the level, it must be the porn district because almost every business is either a porno theater or strip club or adult film shop. I am not kidding when I say that this entire area is just loaded with porn, strippers, and aliens. Eventually, however, you?re taken to desert mesas, desecrated churches, and over run space stations in your ever-lasting crusade to slaughter everything without the decency to not be born human.
Oh and there are a lot of naked ladies covered in alien goo. I?m sure that?s bound to tantalize someone out there.
You spend most of the game shooting your way through the legions of alien baddies while seeking multi-colored keys and activating a series of switches to open many doors just to find that one Auto Destruct switch that ends the level and in most situations, I?m fine with that. That?s what made the FPS genre great. The problem is that the levels are huge. And I don?t mean the ?wow, check out the open world and sprawling vistas of Halo? huge. I mean the ?Jesus Christ is level is so goddamn long when will it end?? huge. Eventually, you?ve killed almost every pig cop and lizard soldier in the level and want to proceed to the next. So you end up spending twenty minutes going over every spare inch of the level looking for one switch or card key only to find that you missed that one crack in the wall at the very beginning of the level that holds the card key. This would be fine in, say, a puzzle game or RPG but this is a FPS for God?s sake! All I want to do is mow down legions of baddies
Another ?dick-move?, as the common vernacular states, would be the nearly impossible enemies who all seem to draw a bead on you as soon as you step into the room. Most of the time, the door has barely opened before they?ve gotten at least one pot shot with a shotgun. I haven?t decided which enemy I hate more: the floating suicide bomber drones that hang near the ceiling where they?re hard to shoot or the giant pig alien at the end of episode one who can shoot you no matter where you?re standing.
In the days of ?quicksave? this would be a problem. Fortunately, Duke Nukem allows you to rewind the level from the point you died so you can start from anywhere. This removes the dreaded ?I saved right before walking into a pig lizards rocket barrage? conundrum. For that, I am glad. And if it had come in a game that was actually ?good?, it would have meant a lot to me.
I will give Duke Nukem 3D this much: it is the only place on Xbox live where you can play a classic FPS style death match, but that?s not saying much. There are only two modes; ?One on One? and ?Free For All?. ?One on One? is pointless, since the levels are so big you?ll spend most of your time trying to find your opponent rather than shoot him. This of course leaves ?free for all?, but even this is hit and miss since I barely find more that three people to play with.
I know what most of you Duke Nukem Fanboys (there has to be some left, right?) are gonna say. ?Oh, it?s an old game and you?re judging it too unfairly!? I?ll concede that this is an old game, but here is the real problem: This is not a classic game in a new package. This is a classic game in a cheap, paper package someone bought at the ?Dollar Tree? for you to distract you from the fact that they don?t have the money they owe you from that time you bought them a new car. As a port, it is presented horribly. At several points, the game is loaded with bug and glitches, such as a recurring glitch in the second episode where Duke starts ranting out every catch phrase in the game until finally he just starts spewing white noise.
I honestly thought he was possessed by a cyber-demon, which would have made for a better game.
If you?re a die-hard fan of Duke Nukem (and I cannot imagine you are, considering the whole ?Forever? incident), then you may want to at least try Duke Nukem 3D out. If you?re someone curious about FPS games from the nineties, there are much better options on Xbox live (I?m looking at you ?Marathon: Durandal?).
Judgement: Skip it
