Duke Nukem Forever (360)

[Sassafrass]

Notes before I begin
All images taken from Google/Bing.
Any TL;DR posts will be reported and the poster will be hunted down by me with a spoon, talcum powder and many cacti.

The back of the box for Duke Nukem Forever is misleading. It claims to be pure unadulterated fun. It claims to have epic ass-kicking, massive weapons and giant explosions. It also claims to be inappropriate, insensitive and offensive. Now, I?m sure that at least some of you know about the War Z scandal that was big news a while ago, right? Well, why the hell did that sort of shitstorm not happen with Duke Nukem Forever when it was released with those phrases plastered all over the back of the box? Developed by 3D Realms, Triptych Games and Gearbox Software over a course of at least 10 years, DNF was released in June 10th, 2011, to a clamouring that it will rejuvenate the FPS genre, which is apparently been stagnating under brown FPSes for a while now. Because a brown corridor shooter from a long dead franchise with ?humour? is the way to rejuvenate a genre dying because of this, right?

Set 12 years after the events of Duke Nukem 3D, Duke is now a worldwide icon, who we find playing a revamped version of one of his old games. Of course, seeing as he?s an icon, he soons sets off to a talk show to, well?talk about stuff. However, his show is cancelled due to an alien invasion. At first glance, the aliens appear to be friendly. However, shit soon hits the fan and, colour me surprised, the Octobrains, the aliens for those wondering, are actually hostile and kidnap Earth?s women for the sole purpose of making some really funky Japanese porn. Oh, and pissing Duke off for some reason. That?s pretty much the entire driving point as to why you do anything in DNF. Stop the invasion, save the women, send the aliens back to their home planet on fire. That?s the entire story for DNF in a nutshell, honestly. It?s not brilliant, it?s just kind of there, floating lazily in front of you to try and at least give you a reason to play through the campaign.

[Img_Inline width="325" Caption="I don?t know, I?ve given up even trying now." Align="right"]http://i918.photobucket.com/albums/ad25/Sasquacth99/GARME%20REVIEW%20SCREENS/oie_2163018AhsLRLLN_zpsfc1f609c.jpg [/Img_Inline]

With the story of DNF floundering in a sea of tentacles, it?s mainly up to the gameplay and gunplay to keep your interest. If it handles the action well, it should make for a pretty decent FPS where you can just turn your brain off and enjoy a good blast through some nasty alien scum, right? Well, seeing as Duke handles like he?s made of ice and the gunplay itself feels like you?re engaging in gun fights with toys, sadly this isn?t the case. The ?epic ass-kicking? never happens; it just feels like you?re shooting plastic BBs at the enemies while they fire BB?s back. There?s no sense of danger due to all of the weapons in DNF lacking the punch they should have. As for the massive weaponry promised on the back of the box, it never appears in Duke?s hand. It appears on the back of the bosses that appear and even that doesn?t feel, or sound, threatening at all. The shooting parts of DNF aren?t even OK, they?re flat out terrible.

It?s when you have to do some platforming later in the game that you notice the sliding I mentioned earlier. You make a jump and, even though you?ve stopped telling him to go forwards, Duke carries on for a couple of steps after landing, sometimes walking off the platform before you can stop him. Now, you can probably see how this can become frustrating after a while. It led to a couple of moments for me where I suddenly had to save myself multiple times because I thought I was going to slide off the ledge and jumped backwards to save myself. However, that said, the platforming is actually OK when you?re not sliding around like a madman. While it?s won?t be challenging the old Crash Bandicoot or Spyro games, it works OK here. Thankfully, these sections don?t happen too often to be annoying and I?ll admit, I was happy to see these sections as it meant I had a brief break from the terrible gunplay.

[Img_Inline width="325" Caption="Ramirez, make a joke about Burger Town or something. I honestly don't care any more." Align="left"]http://i918.photobucket.com/albums/ad25/Sasquacth99/GARME%20REVIEW%20SCREENS/oie_21631271TnlZ1UL_zps219a1400.jpg[/Img_Inline]

Now, it?s probably time I should address the humour of DNF. Well, let me put it this way. How can one talk about the humour of a game when it has no humour at all? Apparently DNF makes a lot of references to other games but the only one I caught was the jab at Halo at the start. I completely missed the jab at Gears of War?s storyline with Dominic and his wife and I found that part of GoW to be the part I remember more than the actual main story. If they were any jokes being made in DNF, I don?t remember them. As for the offensiveness, you?ll have to go a long way to find anyone who will find this game offensive when most will find it childish at most. Oh no, alien tentacles impregnating women. Japan called; they want their well-known but very weird niche back. Hey, nudity and swear words galore. The teenage years called, they want their edginess back. Hey, wall tits that you can slap. The guy with a dick emblem in Black Ops 2 called, he wants you to stop giving him a bad name. It?s neither funny, nor offensive. It?s just a failed attempt to try and shock the people who play it.

This has been a shorter review than usual and it hasn?t been as in depth as I?d like to go with my reviews. However, DNF is just so bad, I can?t bring myself to tell you everything that?s bad about it in extensive detail. In fact, I can only think of one good thing about DNF and that?s the final boss fight which, at least to me, felt like an old school shooter and was actually fun for a little while. However, the journey up to this point in DNF is so mediocre, so terribly voice acted from everyone involved, so painfully dragged out with random levels and random fetch quests for fuel later in the game that DNF feels like a chore to play. A chore I paid £4 to play. Overall, I can honestly say that DNF is the worst game I have ever played in my life and I can only offer my sympathies to those who paid full price for this piece of shit.

[small]Honestly, what the hell were they thinking? Wall tits that you can slap. I mean, that would be amusing and offensive to a 12 year old if you were lucky.[/small]​

Spoiler: Previous reviews

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Sassafrass to the YT Movies series: SK3: Battle For Redemption [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.375545-Sassafrass-to-the-YT-Movies-Scorpion-King-3-Battle-For-Redemption] - The Last Man On Earth [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.380367-Poll-Sassafrass-to-the-YT-Movies-The-Last-Man-on-Earth-1964] - Kung Fu Hustle [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.386443-Poll-Sassafrass-Reviews-Kung-Fu-Hustle-2004]

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Music: Full Fathom Five by Clutch [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/jump/326.206062] - Press X To Rock: Miracle of Sound [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.316714-Sassafrass-Reviews-Miracle-Of-Sound-Press-X-To-Rock]

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Game previews: Final Fantasy 13 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/jump/326.178502]

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[Jack and Calumon]

I didn't just pay full price for this game. I bought the Balls of Steel edition, costing me £60. It was funny having Duke Nukem Forever and just playing it. It was surreal. I was catastrophically let down. This was a game that promised to take us back to the glory days of FPS games and it didn't. It adhered to the modern day trends it promised to subvert, turned Duke into a douchebag who jokes about women getting raped and ultimately made me ashamed to even play it. It was embarrassing, and while it wasn't the worst game I've ever played, I think it's worth maybe a 4/5 out of 10 since I don't think the gunplay is that bad (Though I do use the shotgun/freeze ray/shrink ray/rocket launcher/devastators most of the game, and pipebombs are a larf and a half), it's definitely bad and I wouldn't want any game to copy anything that it did.

That said, the DLC does improve things a lot, but then squanders it all by bringing back one certain character you thought was dead, making them small so their voice was squeaky and annoying and having them talk non stop for a hour long trek to some whore house. Embarrassing.

Calumon: Jack says I'm more mature than this game!

 

[Chrono212]

I didn't just pay full price for this game. I bought the Balls of Steel edition, costing me £60.
[HEADING=3]costing me £60[/HEADING]
[HEADING=2]£60[/HEADING]

Did you not see any of the reviews or bile that was being generated by this decade long joke of a game?
Why did you buy the special edition anyway? I'm genuinely curious, not to make fun of you (two) or anything.

OT:
Well...I have you admire the reviewer for even getting to the end. I mean, what with 10 years worth of editing and re-editing and scrapping ideas and new ideas and scrapping those ideas, it's a mystery why they didn't go with the original plan of scrapping it.

Even releasing that probably made the publisher loose more money in the end.

Why'd they include platforming?! Did some dev back in 1998 play Half Life and insist that it should be in DNF?

Whatever, well done for giving a rational response to an irrational game.

 

[Sassafrass]

Well...I have you admire the reviewer for even getting to the end. I mean, what with 10 years worth of editing and re-editing and scrapping ideas and new ideas and scrapping those ideas, it's a mystery why they didn't go with the original plan of scrapping it.

Even releasing that probably made the publisher loose more money in the end.

Why'd they include platforming?! Did some dev back in 1998 play Half Life and insist that it should be in DNF?

Whatever, well done for giving a rational response to an irrational game.

When I start playing something, I have to finish it at some point. I'm currently slowly working my way through AC3, even though I really really don't want too. But this was such a chore, I just sat down over a weekend and just grinded this out. And at least the end boss was a little fun. But with that final 10 minutes being the only fun in about 6 hours...yeah, even £4 was a massive waste of money at this stage.

I didn't just pay full price for this game. I bought the Balls of Steel edition, costing me £60.

...
I feel sorry for your wallet.

 

[Wargamer]

I don't have any bad memories of DNF. I don't have any memories of DNF. I'm pretty sure I enjoyed some of it, but then I went in expecting a 5/10 title and I guess that's what I got. I never could understand why people actually thought DNF was going to be some kind of gaming opus...

 

[Jack and Calumon]

I didn't just pay full price for this game. I bought the Balls of Steel edition, costing me £60.
[HEADING=3]costing me £60[/HEADING]
[HEADING=2]£60[/HEADING]

Did you not see any of the reviews or bile that was being generated by this decade long joke of a game?
Why did you buy the special edition anyway? I'm genuinely curious, not to make fun of you (two) or anything.

I had this pre-ordered months beforehand, and was hyped as fuck for it. The trailers made it seem so sexy and yet it so wasn't. And since reviews didn't come out for it until release day... yeah.

That said, the comic, statue and Dice it came with weren't bad quality, so not a total loss.

Calumon: All that money could have fed me for weeks! : (

 

[Sassafrass]

I don't have any bad memories of DNF. I don't have any memories of DNF. I'm pretty sure I enjoyed some of it, but then I went in expecting a 5/10 title and I guess that's what I got. I never could understand why people actually thought DNF was going to be some kind of gaming opus...

I think it was because they thought it would be the end of the "modern warfare" era and it kinda backfired in a big way. As for why I didn't like it, I knew it was gonna be bad when I went in, but in a kinda "So bad it's kinda good" way. But I wasn't prepared for it being that bad.

I didn't just pay full price for this game. I bought the Balls of Steel edition, costing me £60.
[HEADING=3]costing me £60[/HEADING]
[HEADING=2]£60[/HEADING]

Did you not see any of the reviews or bile that was being generated by this decade long joke of a game?
Why did you buy the special edition anyway? I'm genuinely curious, not to make fun of you (two) or anything.

OT:
Well...I have you admire the reviewer for even getting to the end. I mean, what with 10 years worth of editing and re-editing and scrapping ideas and new ideas and scrapping those ideas, it's a mystery why they didn't go with the original plan of scrapping it.

Even releasing that probably made the publisher loose more money in the end.

Why'd they include platforming?! Did some dev back in 1998 play Half Life and insist that it should be in DNF?

Whatever, well done for giving a rational response to an irrational game.

I'm grateful they included the platforming as it meant I didn't have to shoot anything with the worlds shittiest guns.

 

[Lazy]

Surprised you didn't mention how incredibly ugly this game is. It's not just that it's technically unimpressive, it completely lacks any kind of appealing or even coherent art style.

 

[lazyslothboy]

I remember I was tempted to pick this up when it came out, I always wanted to see what the fuss was about with the series. Kinda glad I didn't bother, seeing the travesty that was born. =P

 

[Raika]

I think a lot of people just say "Duke Nukem Forever is the worst game ever" because it's the trendy and popular thing to say, much like the prevailing opinion that the best game ever made is The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time(it's not) or that The Dark Knight is a masterpiece in film(one of the most ridiculous assertions of the moviegoing public in decades). Provably worse games than Duke Nukem Forever came out in 2011(Thor: God of Thunder). Provably worse first-person shooters came out in 2011(Call of Juarez: The Cartel). Hell, provably worse games starring Duke Nukem came out in 2011(Duke Nukem: Critical Mass). This is just The Phantom Menace all over again, and you're unbelievably late to the party with such a poorly written critique of an average game. Yes, dear, you're such an edgy nonconformist for disliking a first-person shooter. Now tell me all the reasons why disliking Skyrim makes me an idiot.

 

[Sassafrass]

I think a lot of people just say "Duke Nukem Forever is the worst game ever" because it's the trendy and popular thing to say, much like the prevailing opinion that the best game ever made is The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time(it's not) or that The Dark Knight is a masterpiece in film(one of the most ridiculous assertions of the moviegoing public in decades). Provably worse games than Duke Nukem Forever came out in 2011(Thor: God of Thunder). Provably worse first-person shooters came out in 2011(Call of Juarez: The Cartel). Hell, provably worse games starring Duke Nukem came out in 2011(Duke Nukem: Critical Mass). This is just The Phantom Menace all over again, and you're unbelievably late to the party with such a poorly written critique of an average game. Yes, dear, you're such an edgy nonconformist for disliking a first-person shooter. Now tell me all the reasons why disliking Skyrim makes me an idiot.

I say it because it is the worst game I have ever played. I'm not saying it to be "edgy" or "nonconformist", I think it's the worst game I've personally played. I've never played the other games you mentioned so sadly, I can't review those. And I don't think you're an idiot for disliking Skyrim. I liked Skyrim personally but that certainly doesn't mean I think anyone who doesn't like it is an idiot because they don't like it. You like what you like, so if you didn't like Skyrim, that's what you think about it and if anybody calls you an idiot for disliking it, well they're morons themselves.

And yes, I know I'm late to reviewing this and yes, I know it's probably a pretty shitty review but here's the thing. I don't care if I'm late to the party, nor do I care if this is a shitty review, mainly because my reviews tend to be pretty shitty nonetheless. But I'd also like to thank you as, for the first time in god knows how long, someone has actually said something NEGATIVE about something I've written. Seriously, it's refreshing to see this post, so thank you for that.

 

[D Moness]

I don't have any bad memories of DNF. I don't have any memories of DNF. I'm pretty sure I enjoyed some of it, but then I went in expecting a 5/10 title and I guess that's what I got. I never could understand why people actually thought DNF was going to be some kind of gaming opus...

Same i picked it up on launch day and expected a bad game. I mean come on a game with 14 years of hype can never live up to that.

I got what i expected and had some bit of silly fun. Sometimes that is what gaming is all about.

 

[Sassafrass]

I don't think it's a bad game, I just don't think it's a good game. It wasn't memorable, but people seem to expect way too much... It was a comedic, immature game. It was intended to be that way. If you didn't like that about Duke Nukem, then why did you buy the game in the first place?

I got it because of two reasons. One, it was £4. I will give any game I find for £4 a chance, even if I know it's been panned by other people. Why? Because it's £4 and even I can afford that now and then. Two, I bought it to see if it was as bad as people made it out to be when it was released. And when I played it, yeah, I was expecting some immature moments and a little comedy. What I got instead was a game which tried to be funny yet failed to make me laugh or even chuckle. Perhaps the humour isn't the style I like or perhaps I've suddenly turned 60 and I hate everything remotely funny.

 

[Signa]

You missed the best reference in the game then. In the alien ship, you can find a dead body where Duke will say "That's one Dead Space marine!" It's both a reference to Dead Space (the body is wearing the signature helmet) and Duke 3D where you can find the "doomed space marine!"

But yeah, DNF was mostly shit with a few smile-worthy gags. The expansion was pretty good though. It certainly was developed by Gearbox and not just merely finished by them.

 

[snowbear]

I think everyone needs to pull their heads out their arse's with this one. Sure it wasn't the best game ever but it sure as hell wasn't the worst. I brought the game at launch at £29.99 on steam. The game was fine the jokes were fine.

Its just another case of people jumping on the popular hate bandwagon. I actually enjoyed it alot more than some of the recent console fpsers (resistance, killzone ect).

If you just take the game for what it is... a bit of fun then its not so bad.

I will admit however the multiplayer was pretty shocking but again not the worst ive ever seen.

 

[Iron Criterion]

It adhered to the modern day trends it promised to subvert, turned Duke into a douchebag who jokes about women getting raped and ultimately made me ashamed to even play it.

This here says it all.

I've played Duke Nukem: Forever and honestly didn't find it all to cool. At first I was thrilled with the graphics and references, but after I noticed it seemed .. dull, and dragged on with the same style shooting. Nothing truly worth noting, but I stopped playing when, you know ... that part with the alien hive.

Seeing women being raped isn't something I would expect in a "fun game with explosions and butt kicking" along the fact Duke jokes about his two closest girls being raped. That's so low it made me resent Duke, and I stopped playing. What were the developers even thinking? "Hey Duke should make a pun after seeing those two being raped, it's clever and catchy. Wouldn't that be hilarious guys!?" >_>

Huh, interesting. I hope you were equally against the portrayal of women in Duke 3D, since it had the same sort of implications as Forever (women being kept as strippers and prostitutes). In fact the expansion pack even had a woman giving birth to an alien - just like in Duke Nukem Forever! I don't remember Duke showing any signs of giving a shit back then.

Funny that.

 

[Iron Criterion]

I think a lot of people just say "Duke Nukem Forever is the worst game ever" because it's the trendy and popular thing to say, much like the prevailing opinion that the best game ever made is The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time(it's not) or that The Dark Knight is a masterpiece in film(one of the most ridiculous assertions of the moviegoing public in decades). Provably worse games than Duke Nukem Forever came out in 2011(Thor: God of Thunder). Provably worse first-person shooters came out in 2011(Call of Juarez: The Cartel). Hell, provably worse games starring Duke Nukem came out in 2011(Duke Nukem: Critical Mass). This is just The Phantom Menace all over again, and you're unbelievably late to the party with such a poorly written critique of an average game. Yes, dear, you're such an edgy nonconformist for disliking a first-person shooter. Now tell me all the reasons why disliking Skyrim makes me an idiot.

I say it because it is the worst game I have ever played. I'm not saying it to be "edgy" or "nonconformist", I think it's the worst game I've personally played. I've never played the other games you mentioned so sadly, I can't review those. And I don't think you're an idiot for disliking Skyrim. I liked Skyrim personally but that certainly doesn't mean I think anyone who doesn't like it is an idiot because they don't like it. You like what you like, so if you didn't like Skyrim, that's what you think about it and if anybody calls you an idiot for disliking it, well they're morons themselves.

And yes, I know I'm late to reviewing this and yes, I know it's probably a pretty shitty review but here's the thing. I don't care if I'm late to the party, nor do I care if this is a shitty review, mainly because my reviews tend to be pretty shitty nonetheless. But I'd also like to thank you as, for the first time in god knows how long, someone has actually said something NEGATIVE about something I've written. Seriously, it's refreshing to see this post, so thank you for that.

The review was fine; but if DNF is the worst game you've ever played, then you need to expand your gaming collection.

 

[Sassafrass]

I don't think it's a bad game, I just don't think it's a good game. It wasn't memorable, but people seem to expect way too much... It was a comedic, immature game. It was intended to be that way. If you didn't like that about Duke Nukem, then why did you buy the game in the first place?

I got it because of two reasons. One, it was £4. I will give any game I find for £4 a chance, even if I know it's been panned by other people. Why? Because it's £4 and even I can afford that now and then. Two, I bought it to see if it was as bad as people made it out to be when it was released. And when I played it, yeah, I was expecting some immature moments and a little comedy. What I got instead was a game which tried to be funny yet failed to make me laugh or even chuckle. Perhaps the humour isn't the style I like or perhaps I've suddenly turned 60 and I hate everything remotely funny.

Some immature moments and a little comedy? Duke Nukem as a series is generally over the top, cheesy and full of innuendos. Given the rape jokes were a bit tasteless, but I don't feel like the game is judged fairly 9/10 of the time.

Well, seeing as the funniest moment I can remember in DNF being the Halo and Gears of War jabs close to the start of the game, I didn't enjoy anything DNF did that was over the top or cheesy. So in my eyes, it didn't work out on the humour part and there wasn't really anything about it I found funny.

I think everyone needs to pull their heads out their arse's with this one. Sure it wasn't the best game ever but it sure as hell wasn't the worst. I brought the game at launch at £29.99 on steam. The game was fine the jokes were fine.

Its just another case of people jumping on the popular hate bandwagon. I actually enjoyed it alot more than some of the recent console fpsers (resistance, killzone ect).

If you just take the game for what it is... a bit of fun then its not so bad.

I will admit however the multiplayer was pretty shocking but again not the worst ive ever seen.

I'd like to point out now, not to you personally but again to the thread in general, that I don't think this is the worst game ever made, but it is the worst game I've ever played. I'm sure that there are a few games out there that are worse than this but at this point in time, I haven't played them so that makes DNF the worst game I've played at this point in time.

I'm fairly sure if I ever play that boyfriend trainer game thingy on iOS that'd take the title of my worst game ever.