So, I was feeling adventurous today, and decided to steal my little sisters' comb! buy a girly comb. I did this of course to find out if there is indeed a genie that lives inside of every girls' comb. I was very disappointed to find that there is no genie the comb. My mother lied to me.
Combat Efficiency: Anyhoo, this comb was amazing for things other than genie magic! It does in fact have a utility knife in it's hilt, and a laser between every bristle. I used these features to fight off a small army of blood thirsty and jealous hairbrushes. Thus, this comb earns 10 out of 10 points for combat efficiency!
Sex Appeal: This comb has helped me out significantly with my sex life! It attracts girls like Magnetite attracts... Magnetic objects. Also, the radiation needed to make this comb sparkly inadvertently makes you infertile, so you don't need to wear condoms anymore! Although, in case you have testicles of steel, this comb also has a condom dispenser. In the area of sex appeal, this comb gets a 10 out of 10!
Performance-Enhancing Abilities: This comb is incredible, since I started using it exactly 30 minutes ago, I was able to run three Marathons, work through two triathlons and pay back my local loan shark, who, strangely, lives behind the most difficult obstacle course on Earth. Not only that, I was even able to find Waldo! He was OD'd behind a dumpster in New York City, in case you're wondering. In terms of performance-enhancing abilities, this comb earns a 10 out of 10!
Home Maintenance: This comb has the cleaning ability of a Spanish maid on crack! Or maybe that was me dressing up as a Spanish maid after my crack binge... Either way, when I have this comb, shit gets clean! This comb earns a 10 out of 10 in home maintenance!
Does it cook? : Of course it does! I don't even need to cry pathetically while ordering a pizza anymore! This comb makes me dinner, so I can finally cry in privacy. This also helps the sex appeal, because every girl like a guy who has a comb that can cook! It gets a 10 out of 10 in the culinary arts!
Hair Maintenance: In the area of hair maintenance, I was very disappointed. This comb can't seem to keep my hair soft and shiny like the advertisement led me to believe it would. Not only this, but when I had an egg thrown at my head, I wasn't able to comb out the little bits of egg and developing chick. This made me a sad panda! This comb gets a 1 out of 10 in hair maintenance.
'Til next time, my fellow Escapists!
Combat Efficiency: Anyhoo, this comb was amazing for things other than genie magic! It does in fact have a utility knife in it's hilt, and a laser between every bristle. I used these features to fight off a small army of blood thirsty and jealous hairbrushes. Thus, this comb earns 10 out of 10 points for combat efficiency!
Sex Appeal: This comb has helped me out significantly with my sex life! It attracts girls like Magnetite attracts... Magnetic objects. Also, the radiation needed to make this comb sparkly inadvertently makes you infertile, so you don't need to wear condoms anymore! Although, in case you have testicles of steel, this comb also has a condom dispenser. In the area of sex appeal, this comb gets a 10 out of 10!
Who wouldn't be attracted to this sexy beast?
Performance-Enhancing Abilities: This comb is incredible, since I started using it exactly 30 minutes ago, I was able to run three Marathons, work through two triathlons and pay back my local loan shark, who, strangely, lives behind the most difficult obstacle course on Earth. Not only that, I was even able to find Waldo! He was OD'd behind a dumpster in New York City, in case you're wondering. In terms of performance-enhancing abilities, this comb earns a 10 out of 10!
Home Maintenance: This comb has the cleaning ability of a Spanish maid on crack! Or maybe that was me dressing up as a Spanish maid after my crack binge... Either way, when I have this comb, shit gets clean! This comb earns a 10 out of 10 in home maintenance!
Does it cook? : Of course it does! I don't even need to cry pathetically while ordering a pizza anymore! This comb makes me dinner, so I can finally cry in privacy. This also helps the sex appeal, because every girl like a guy who has a comb that can cook! It gets a 10 out of 10 in the culinary arts!
Hair Maintenance: In the area of hair maintenance, I was very disappointed. This comb can't seem to keep my hair soft and shiny like the advertisement led me to believe it would. Not only this, but when I had an egg thrown at my head, I wasn't able to comb out the little bits of egg and developing chick. This made me a sad panda! This comb gets a 1 out of 10 in hair maintenance.
That bit about the eggs in my hair was actually true! And I was a very sad panda
'Til next time, my fellow Escapists!
