Embarrassing rubber johnnies/prophylactic purchasing situations - "The Mission"

[Chilli Dog]

(Mature thread - 18+ only)

This is my first post to The Escapist but I believe in starting things off with a big bang! (Double entendre alert!)

Do any of you have any embarrassing stories you wish to divulge to the members here regarding the purchase of rubber johnnies/condoms?

To kick off proceedings, I will start by describing one of mine (AKA "The Mission") that took place yesterday.

Feeling a bit frisky, I decided that a perfect anniversary present for the wife would be half a dozen of our little rubber friends but to save my own crippling embarrassment (I'm pathetically English resulting in my maintaining a stiff upper lip at all times), I had in mind two places where I could purchase a fistful of rubber defenders without much human interaction - the local supermarket or the local pharmacy.

Bearing in mind that the supermarket has self service areas, I thought this would be the ideal place to try first, so I snuck in there up to the relevant section like the living embodiment of Sam Fisher (Splinter Cell tune humming in my ears all the way), only to discover that I was about 47 pence short for the cheapest box.

I dashed off to a cash machine, whipped out a quick note and decided that I now had enough monies to buy the most expensive box and give my girl a real treat (there's no expense spared on this set).

I proceeded to head back into the supermarket, plucked the packet of rubbers off the top shelf and then surreptitiously covered them with a copy of Inside Soap (my wife likes her TV soaps so I figured johnnies and a mag would compliment each other very nicely).

Heading back to the self service areas, I narrowly avoided the female assistant helping out, made my purchase and was pleasantly surprised to find that no bells/alarms/clangers went off asking for someone to authorise a purchase with the "Think 21 - send in the SWAT Team" warning message.

As I was merrily sauntering off to the exit like I had liberated the Forbidden Idol from an Indiana Jones film, it was at the exit the alarms finally kicked off - at this point I had to offer up my box of rubber mittens to the security guard so he could peel the security tag off the box.

My grin at the time could not be more sheepish than a whole flock of Shaun the Sheep and I went about as red as Richard Branson's hot air balloon - Game Over man, Game Over!

I realise now that I should have instead marched up to the counter, slapped them on the table and stared straight in the eye of the assistant and yelled "Yep, I'm gonna get me some of this tonight!"

Does anyone else have a story to top this? - If so then next caller - you're on the air!

 

[DrunkWithPower]

A buddy was buying condoms at the local superchain and I spotted him doing so. I yelled at him at the top of my voice "YOU WILL NEED SOME TYLENOL PM FOR THOSE RUBBERS!" And that's about it, his face turned red and I skipped away happy.

 

[Koeryn]

If for nothing more than your story telling skills, I have to rate your first post at 10/10! Best thing I've read all day. Don't really have anything to add though. Good luck!

 

[Trivun]

Hah, that was quite amusing. I'm alright since I don't need to buy condoms, I get them free from the student union

Interestingly enough though, I was in Roundhay Park over the summer (anyone who's ever been to Leeds will have heard of it, for those who haven't it's the largest public park in the UK and has played host to Robbie Williams, The Who, Michael Jackson and others in live concerts at various times). In the woods near the main path, I noticed the police had nailed little bags to trees each containing condoms and notices promoting safe sex. Apparently local kids go there for sex in the woods and the police were trying to crack down on it. Not really amusing, but still interesting, to say the least.

 

[ae86gamer]

Me and my sister went to Target once and I randomly started throwing boxes of KY and condoms at her.

 

[Jedamethis]

Fuck the age rating.
I have no stories, just an image

MOD EDIT: Flashing image removed

 

[Baby Tea]

First time I bought condoms, I just brought 'em to the front.
I figured, what the hey? People use 'em!

So I buy them without much trouble, and the cashier, a younger girl, said the traditional: 'Have a good night'.
So I look at her, and said 'Yeah, I totally will!'.
Hah! Her face was more red then mine ever could be.

 

[walls of cetepedes]

Fuck the age rating.
I have no stories, just an image

ARGH the seizures!

 

[CIA]

First time I bought condoms, I just brought 'em to the front.
I figured, what the hey? People use 'em!

So I buy them without much trouble, and the cashier, a younger girl, said the traditional: 'Have a good night'.
So I look at her, and said 'Yeah, I totally will!'.
Hah! Her face was more red then mine ever could be.

Props. Nice one.

My stories mostly consist of
Her: "Is that a condom? I cant believe you'd bring a condom on a date!"
Me: "Umm...It's just a special band aid designed for people with large fingers."
Her: "No it's not. I can see it. Its a condom."
Me: "Err...always be prepared?"
Her: "Jerk" *leaves*

 

[Kpt._Rob]

Yeah, I think I can probably top that for embarassment on my part. The first time I was ever going to have sex, me and the girl had been talking, and wanted to take every procaution we could. So the condoms I picked up had a spermicidal lubricant (to make sure, not only were no sperm getting through, but if they did they'd be dead when they got there). Unfortunately, I discovered half way through my first time that I had broken out in an allergic rash as a result of the spermicide. And, because I was only 16 at the time, I had no desire for my parents to know exactly what it was I was having an allergic reaction to, and had to spend a lot of time in the doctor's office stupidly shrugging my shoulders.

"I have no idea what I had an allergic reaction to."

"Are you sure, you can't think of anything you came into contact with that you've never been around before?"

"Uh... no."

Point is, that was a shitty couple of days before that rash finally went away, but at least I can laugh about it now.

 

[DanielPowell33]

I dont have any good stories, but the title reminded me of a crazy, creepy video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3far9oHZOsI

 

[LockHeart]

For future reference, most Boots pharmacists have self-service sections...

But yeah, no need to be embarassed. Hell, flaunt it. Flaunt it for all it's worth!

[sub]Your story did make me chuckle though [/sub]

 

[Nukey]

i was attending a sleep away camp a while back at this college, and underneath my bed my roommate found a box of unopened condoms that were left there by a student, so we scattered them across a counselors room.

 

[Lunar Shadow]

Running into a female friend , good thing I was also grocery shopping and had it hidden beind some other items.

 

[Chilli Dog]

Duly noted, will try them next time instead and hope I don't get maced by the shop assistant.

 

[esperandote]

some friends and i were haging out and one says that he saw one of the others buying condoms, at the moment the guy could have said that he was buying them for someone else but in that moment his girlfriend arrived and yelled: "They saw you!!??"

 

[similar.squirrel]

Embarrassing in the childish sense, but I was once caught inflating a bunch of the things.
They're like huge, translucent Zeppelins.
This sort of behaviour may explain why my virginity is still very much around.

 

[AdhesiveTape]

My mother once handed me a small, suspicious looking package, quietly saying, "You might need this..." After she had walked away I noticed that it was a wet-nap.