I'm really tired right now, so I'll join in on this conversation later. Before I pass out, I will leave you with this:
Dear Internet-
You now have no excuse to leave your sources uncited. Here is the direct transcript of Moviebob's review of The Expendables. Don't criticize my spelling - type up your own transcription, then you can criticize my efforts. Good night, and may God have mercy on the Internets.
Last weekend, I had a ton of fun re-experiencing a throwback to the golden age of cheesy, Regan-era, American action films. Because I got that DataEast Arcade Collection for the Wii, and it has an arcade-perfect port of Bad Dudes on it! Yeah, so many ninjas! Oh, I'm sorry; did you think I was talking about something else? Ah, well, the Expendables, on the other hand...this is easily the worst recent action film that doesn't star a badly-redesigned Transformer. It's not just bad, it's a worthless, meaningless, insulting piece of s*** masquerading as self-aware nostalgia. So, of course, it was a huge hit, making 35 million last weekend as the obedient sheep of the movie going public lined up for their processed cheese. In second place, two hours of watching some whiny rich chick eat pasta. And what of the other new movie? The original, engaging, potential pop-culture turning point that's probably one of the only two or three movies of the summer that'll have mattered a year from now? Fifth place. Box office dud. Just when you don't think the human race could prove itself any more f***ing worthless...well done, Planet Earth...*sigh*. Anyway, this is a guys-on-a-mission movie built around a poor imitation of 1980s action aesthetic. It stars Sylvester Stallone as the leader of a mercenary team, Mickey Rourke as their shady manager, Terry Cruze as a guy who should really be more famous than he is, Dolf Lundgrin as an underrated performer the film can't find anything to do with, Randy Couture as a fringe athlete who has no business acting in movies, Stone Cold Steve Austin as a pretend fringe athlete with no business acting in movies, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger as cameos to make the trailer look more interesting than the actual movie, Jason Statham as Jason Statham in the Jason Statham story, and Jet Li as a martial arts legend who's being a really, really good sport about how easily he can probably take most of these dudes apart. The film wants to work on two levels - IE, if you're the sort of person who actually is longing for a return to the days when "Men were men, and action movies meant lumbering sacks of meat slammin' into one another! You know, before all that girly choreography; girly, skinny, kung-fu guys; and girly, uh...girls showed up and ruined it for everybody" you're probably just the worst sort of person, but you're probably going to like this. But, with all the retirement age, yesteryear bigshots stumbling around, it also wants to sell itself as a Grindhouse-style homage to the testosterone-fueled nonsense of the 80s, that film-geeks of sophistication often look back on with nostalgia or have learned to appreciate ironically. But that's a lie! Do not be fooled! This isn't a celebration of junk movies, or an elevation of junk movies, or even a deconstruction of junk movies - it just is a junk movie. Don't believe the hype - this isn't a love letter to bad 80s movies. It's just a plain-old, bad 2010 movie. The fact is, despite what the world's surprisingly large population of un-self-conscious bicep fetishists would have you believe, action movies got better once we got back to teaching actors how to fight, instead of finding guys who looked good in black tank tops and tried to pretend they were actors. Keanu Reeves may not have the most range in the world, but teaching him Kung Fu yielded a better Matrix than, say, casting Van Damme would have. I can't name one person in this movie for whom it isn't one of the worst things they've ever done...well, maybe Stone Cold. I mean, Jet Li was in an Oscar nominee. Mickey Rourke is an Oscar nominee. Stallone has an Oscar. Hell, even Couture was in a David Mamet movie. Lundgren, Statham and Cruze: they've all made better movies! So has Eric Roberts, even! Hell, he was just in that Dead or Alive movie and that had eight more reasons to exist than The Expendables does. What are any of them doing here, other than cashing a paycheck and wasting your f***ing time? Worst of all, it's boring. The shootouts are lame, the fight choreography is non-existent, there's not a single memorable kill or signature death scene to be had. And, to seal the deal, it's almost totally bloodless! Remember all that insane, over-the-top gore that made Rambo so fun? It's gone, except for some insert shots, giving off the suspicion that Stallone was going for a PG-13 and then changed his mind. That's right, there's only one thing a movie like the Expendables has to get right and it gets it wrong! It's too late to hope for it not to succeed, but it can't be said loudly or more often enough for the rest of the year - The Expendables f***ing sucks. It's a worthless, artless, piece of s*** that makes the whole movie-going world poorer by its existence. If you've managed to miss it so far, keep right on doing that. You'll be all the better for it. How much more succinct can I get? F*** this movie, and the next twenty, muscle-head, douche bag, pandering piece of crap movies that are all gonna get green-lit because this made money? F*** them too! See you next time.
