Escape to the Movies: Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part Two

[Aureliano]

I already loved the original four movies in the series. What's more fun that watching even noted bad actors Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson realize that they could do better than this movie but who don't so as to avoid squashing the retarded goose that laid the golden egg? Who didn't enjoy the loud denials that dreamy suitors Edward and Jacob loved penis and only penis, or could avoid noticing the off-camera erection that Bella's dad, Charlie, got every time his daughter was in the room?

This one just...tries to be good. It's not people turning in worse work than their best and biting their tongue just to keep from laughing at their own audience of ridiculously misguided tweenage girls and fanfic-writing middle aged women with a very elementary idea of how sex works, but an attempt to make a watchable movie. Well I didn't want a watchable movie, I wanted Twilight!

 

[Callate]

I don't know if I'll bother with the movie. I've been known to see bad movies knowing exactly what they were going to be from time to time, but going in to see a bad blockbuster still feels like I'm voting for the suits to make more bad blockbusters.

But the review was a hell of a lot of fun, so thanks for that.

Oh, and incidentally- I saw Stewart in Snow White and the Huntsman at the local second-run theater not too long ago, and she was... okay... as long as all she had was an individual line or two and everyone around her was spending all their time glowing about how shucks-darn special this Snow White is. But then she has her "rouse the people to fight tyranny" speechlette, and I was genuinely blitzed as to how much of the scene's utter failure was bad writing and how much was Stewart. It's the only such scene where I expected the peasants to go, "Hip-Hip- Whatthehellareyoutalkingabout! Hip-Hip-Wewouldlikesomeclarificationplease!"

 

[Triaed]

Man I can't wait for this movie to come out on The Movie Network so that I can change the channel to Honey Boo boo!

It is so awesome that it is finally over. Now we can look forward to the 50 Shades of Grey movies. Yay!

 

[JimB]

Once you cut out the silent moments--mostly in the credits--I figure MovieBob is talking for about six and a half minutes in this review, and almost every second of it has his voice quivering with barely suppressed laughter. That is amazing to me. Have you ever been able to suppress your laughter for that long? How many cobbled-together takes did this review take?

I love this review without irony or mockery. His voice being right on the edge of completely losing his shit for the entirety of it is just funny to me, is all.

 

[Adam Jensen_v1legacy]

I've only seen the first one on HBO because I wanted to see what all the fuss is about. I barely made it. Fuck you Bob, now I have to go see this. I laughed the whole time while listening to your review.

 

[Darth_Payn]

I can't help it, any time someone says "deus ex Machina" I can't help but imagine JC Denton coming onto the scene and just kicking the required amount ass to make everything OK

Either him of Adam Jensen, what with his arm-swords for lethal takedowns.

 

[MowDownJoe]

I find it funny that last year during Desert Bus, you mentioned something about Bella going Super Sayian, and then I see this on Twitter in the morning [https://twitter.com/the_moviebob/status/269302297882947586]:

In fact, god dammit - THAT'S "Breaking Dawn: Part 2" in one sentence: It's Douglas Sirk directing an episode of Dragonball Z.

 

[Guffe]

Bob you're giving me a heartattack here saying it's good!!! )
YOU CAN'T DO THAT!!

Althou I think I'll have to watch the fight scene at some point.

 

[newwiseman]

Now I never have to hear anyone talk about twilight ever again... w00t!

I am surprised to hear that these movies finally got one so bad it's good.. er hmm well mostly. I won't watch it, ever, but that's because I don't want to encourage this pile of a series.

 

[teebeeohh]

so you are saying this movie finally penetrated the barrier between "mediocre to just bad" and flew into the heights of "room-level hilarity" the GF wants to watch this anyway so i may just have fun

 

[klaynexas3]

Ladies and gentlemen, we have found the black hole of movies. Its star burned brightly and swiftly; then it collapsed under it's own weight and took everyone involved with it.

Spoiler

My hopes got so high when Bob was describing that action sequence. I could just imagine all the wailing screams of the fan girls as Hollywood said "No more, we will redeem this shit at all costs". It was a delicious moment, then he told us it was all a dream, and much like the described reaction of the audience at the screening I exclaimed "Bullshit." Oh they were so close to giving Myers the finger and salvaging the finale. I almost can't blame them though; I know I wouldn't want to face the ire of its psychotic fan base.

If you ask me, it's like Fight Club where Tyler slips images of porn into kids movies for the fuck of it. Doesn't change anything, just fucks with people.

It's the giant passive aggressive middle finger of comparison if you ask me. This isn't the shoving one middle finger in the face of the fans, this is shoving the middle finger of a good ending, and then the second middle finger of showing the shit one and why it is utter, utter shite. Honestly, it's still passive aggressive, but I enjoy that much better, because when done properly, a good passive aggressive attack can be much better than a straight forward "fuck you" to something.

 

[Jennacide]

So basically, if you're the kind of person that enjoys The Room and Birdemic, go see this?

Dammit, might have to finally see one of these stupid movies.

 

[LordLundar]

Can we just get back to having awesome vampires now?

Can someone just make a Legacy of Kain series of movies.... and have it stick to the games plot? Because that would be swell.

Lok movie I can see. Sticking to the plot I can kind of see, It actually selling well?

Ehhh....

Look, I love the LoK series, it's awesome (well most of it, BO2 can go to hell) and I am a big proponent of it's story. It breaks the stereotypes but keeps the concepts and it does it in a way that makes sense.

But the plot itself is a literary equivalent to a Charlie Foxtrot. It is a MASSIVE headache trying to sort it out. I can see many a filmgoer coming out with their head permanently lopsided as they try to sort out the plot.


Back on Topic now..

So Bob, you are essentially saying that while the ticket price isn't justified by the movie itself, it's justified at being pure unintentional schadenfreude?

 

[Arcane Azmadi]

Well THAT was certainly unexpected. I was prepared for Bob to unload his usual "my GOD this shit is awful" tirade, I NEVER expected he would have recommended we go SEE the damn thing, even if it is only because it's So Bad It's Good.

Also surprised that he genuinely LIKED the action scene. Previous Twilight movies had action scenes in them and he always lambasted them as being awful. I'm surprised he didn't talk more about the firector responsible for the movie, whoever it is they must have had SOME talent to get that to work, even if it was completely undone by the reveal that it's "all just a dream".

 

[Diablo1099_v1legacy]

......Dafuk did I just watch?
And Dafuk did Moviebob just Watch?

Still, the idea of the entire cast of this god-awful franchise dying painfully sounds like something so awesome I can't even begin to imagine.

Just this ending sucks because of one massive plot hole:
If the villains were going to kill the heroes then....Then what is stopping them from trying again later with more men on their side.....

OH DEAR GOD! THERE MIGHT BE ANOTHER MOVIE!

 

[Adam Jensen_v1legacy]

I can't help it, any time someone says "deus ex Machina" I can't help but imagine JC Denton coming onto the scene and just kicking the required amount ass to make everything OK

Either him of Adam Jensen, what with his arm-swords for lethal takedowns.

This is what comes to my mind.

 

[AlexanderPeregrine]

If that battle is nearly as good as Bob and some other reviewers make it out to be, 20th Century Fox would be stupid not to approach Bill Condon with one of those gigantic novelty paychecks to get him to direct a proper X-Men movie.