Ethical Dilemma - Sperm Donation

[Ham_authority95]

I've been asked to be a sperm donor - by my mother - for a couple she knows of whom are unable to conceive.

The male is unable to supply due to cancer, the woman states sex with strangers (or the basic equivalent) is out of the question. I've been turned to as 350 english pounds per shot is pretty pricey, and I'm deemed worthy (how complimentary -.-). I haven't discussed anything with the couple, as I'm still weighing this (hence the thread), but I'm assuming this process will lack professional mediation so I imagine I'll have to seek to investigate legalities myself.

To break it down to brass tacks;
I'm 24, perfectly healthy (haven't seen a doctor since childhood, no mental illness, however heart issues present on mother's side for males), intelligent (I'm a trainee actuary), looks wise: average to moderately attractive, 6' dead, well built and toned (weight not an issue in the direct family).

With the information presented above - what would you do? Donate or not, and why?

Thank you for your time.

350 pounds? If I'm converting currency right, that's a good chunk of money.

Now there's is something that you may need to consider:

A while ago my mom told me about a documentary that follows a former sperm donor who donated almost every month to pay for college. Now in his 40s, with a girlfriend, and no children living with him, he started getting phone calls from all the women who used his sperm. It turned out that he fathered 75 children and several of the mothers wanted to get to know him and let him meet his kids.

He flies across the country to meet the first mother, says "hi" to the kids and everything, but then the mother wants to hang with him more, and more, and more. Yeah, you know where this is going, she wants to start dating him because he fathered her children. While his girlfriend was fine with his donations, she becomes really uncomfortable with all these mothers(more than one of them wanted to "get" with him) coming on to him. She ended up dumping him, and he got stuck with these women wanting him as a father figure for their children...

The moral of the story: NEVER donate to a place that does it anonymously. I see that you're speaking to the couples, so you won't have the same problem that he did.

 

[Furious Styles]

I'd see it as a way to get spreading my DNA out of the way and making some decent money in one fell swoop

Do it, why not?

 

[Woodsey]

If the kid is allowed to come find you then I would be wary. As in, I'd be investing that £350 into a ticket to some place warm if it ever tries to find you kinda wary.

Also: your Mum's friends with them. That's a potential issue. A really fucking big one if she's especially looking forward to being a grand-ma-ma.

 

[Raven's Nest]

This is something that is plaguing me. I unfortunately have been party to an abortion, one completely against my will but what can you do when you're not the vessel (and quite rightly so regardless of my feelings), and this still remains a pretty active thought.

I'm a firm believer in 'Everything happens for a reason' - even if the reason takes a considerable period to manifest itself.

Is the reason for me being asked to enable a chance to 'fix' my past misstep?

Is there a reason as to why these two have been placed in this situation?

If I were going to inevitabley end up walking down the existential route I'd probably leave it at "Is there a reason as to why these two have been placed in this situation?"...

Thinking about it from my detatched position (a luxury you don't have), I'd consider that If this woman's husband has a terminal condition and passes away, she would indeed be left raising a child single handedly. Not only that but this child would also probably continue to serve as a remainder of the tragedy of losing a husband and not leaving anything behind in its place. If you speculate the effect on the childs welfare then you can see another more potent dilemma.

If this was of no concern to the couple I would probably still decline offering to provide the necessary sperm for her to concieve. An anonymous and medically checked donor is probably going to be a better option for all involved. As you have already begun to suspect, the knowledge of siring a child will always play on yours and your partners mind.

If you were older, married and had children of your own, it may seem to be less of a big deal.

On the other hand, so long as a legally binding contractual agreement was signed, there won't be any responsibility on your part to take any further interest in the child's upbringing. Whether or not you think you can ignore this child's existence as far as your involvement is concerned is up to you.

I'd suggest you talk these issues through first with your mother, then perhaps the couple. If there is any doubt lingering about emotional or legal issues I'd strongly reccommend declining the offer. You would not be denying anything to anyone as I'm sure if they were that determined to have a child, they'd find a way that avoids "inconvieniencing" people close to them. £350 is a considerably small price to pay to avoid a lifetime of doubt and unanswered questions, the extent of which cannot be predicted beforehand...

Good luck with your decision.

 

[viranimus]

I was once proposed this same thing for a darling little lesbian couple. I declined and in retrospect I am quite glad I did because within a year of being propositioned for this, the couple broke up.

Its just a mess no matter how you look at it.

 

[Blue Hero]

I'd donate. I have so much extra sperm laying around, I don't know what to do with all of it.

 

[WolfThomas]

The most important personal thing is are you prepared for the possibly for in 15 or more years the kid to come knocking on your door. Are you prepared to see that family with the kid and think "that's my child" everytime you see them.

Definitely find out the legal situation, as incredibly unlikely as it is you don't want to end up paying child support or something.

You said the husband is a cancer survivor, what're the odds of relapse; the essential question would be: what're the odds of the child growing up without a father?

Depends on the cancer but the likely one to make a person infertile would be testicular. It's also got some of the best long term surival odds of any cancer. Still good to find out.

 

[manic_depressive13]

No, don't do it. This is a stupid stupid stupid idea. Sperm donations are meant to be anonymous. They don't disclose who the donor was and there's a good reason for that. It's also sort of disturbing that your mother recommended your sperm, for several reasons. Tell them to go to a sperm bank or, better yet, tell them to deal with it. You don't always get what you want.

 

[Ris]

So many questions with this.

- You're all much too close socially. Even if you manage to keep your distance throughout this child's life, can you trust your mother to? The rest of your family?

- You don't know these people. If it turns out that they're terrible parents and make all the wrong decisions, are you going to be able to shrug your shoulders and let them carry on without interfering?

- If the guy dies of cancer, where does that leave the child emotionally? Don't you think it will go looking for a father figure?

- If the guy dies of cancer, where does that leave you financially? Don't allow them to do this unless there is some serious paperwork being carried out in your favour.

- What if you meet someone you want to start a family with? Do you think it could cause problems with your partner/children?

- Not to be rude, but what are your Mother's motivations for offering you up like this? Are you absolutely sure she isn't looking for a grandchild?



Honestly I think this sounds like a terrible idea. Even if you manage to get it all straight in your own head, there is no way of knowing how that child will feel when it finds out that its dad isn't really its dad. I'd also question just how dedicated this couple is if they don't want to stump up any cash to go through the proper channels. Why can't they go to a private agency and get their donation from someone who fully understands the process?

 

[ml66uk]

No, don't do it. This is a stupid stupid stupid idea. Sperm donations are meant to be anonymous. They don't disclose who the donor was and there's a good reason for that. It's also sort of disturbing that your mother recommended your sperm, for several reasons. Tell them to go to a sperm bank or, better yet, tell them to deal with it. You don't always get what you want.

Actually, sperm donor anonymity in the UK was ended in 2005 - everyone conceived using donor gametes in a UK clinic after then has the right to find out who their donor was, and there were good reasons for that. I believe passionately that donor-conceived people should have the right to know who their donor is. The more donor-conceived people you've met, the more likely you are to agree. The Donor Sibling Registry now has over 33,000 members, so it's not like the old anonymous model is working too well. (www.donorsiblingregistry.com)

Brownstudies has raised some interesting points, though I think the recipients might wish to "stump up the cash" to their child rather than to people in white coats.

If you do go ahead, then have everything agreed in writing (there are contracts on the internet), do it by AI*, and both you and your mother should be prepared to keep your emotional distance. It will be *their* child, not yours.

If you don't want to be their donor, you could point them in the direction of the many private donor sites eg www.freespermdonorregistry.com

It's just a few days ago, since we learnt that Ken Livingstone (former mayor of London) donated for two single friends, and that seems to have worked out fine. I also did this for a single friend over ten years ago, and our daughter is now nine and she's doing fine too.

* artificial insemination - all you need is a plastic cup and a syringe.

 

[manic_depressive13]

Actually, sperm donor anonymity in the UK was ended in 2005 - everyone conceived using donor gametes in a UK clinic after then has the right to find out who their donor was, and there were good reasons for that. I believe passionately that donor-conceived people should have the right to know who their donor is. The more donor-conceived people you've met, the more likely you are to agree. The Donor Sibling Registry now has over 33,000 members, so it's not like the old anonymous model is working too well. (www.donorsiblingregistry.com)

Really? That's awful. The last thing I would want, were I to hypothetically donate sperm, is for some psycho kid to come banging on my door wanting to meet their biological parent. Anyway, I believe that the proximity of this family, and the mother's questionable motivations in offering her son's sperm, causes all sorts of complications and awkwardness. If the OP is okay with it, then that's fine. I'm just saying that I would bail out of that situation with a bucket.

 

[ml66uk]

Actually, sperm donor anonymity in the UK was ended in 2005 - everyone conceived using donor gametes in a UK clinic after then has the right to find out who their donor was, and there were good reasons for that. I believe passionately that donor-conceived people should have the right to know who their donor is. The more donor-conceived people you've met, the more likely you are to agree. The Donor Sibling Registry now has over 33,000 members, so it's not like the old anonymous model is working too well. (www.donorsiblingregistry.com)

Really? That's awful. The last thing I would want, were I to hypothetically donate sperm, is for some psycho kid to come banging on my door wanting to meet their biological parent. Anyway, I believe that the proximity of this family, and the mother's questionable motivations in offering her son's sperm, causes all sorts of complications and awkwardness. If the OP is okay with it, then that's fine. I'm just saying that I would bail out of that situation with a bucket.

Probably best if you don't donate sperm then. There are other people who are happy to be id-release though, and many of them prefer it. As well as having a daughter as a private donor, I was also a clinic donor in the 80's, back when everything was anonymous. I was asked at the time if I'd be ok with my identity being released if that was ever made possible, and I said yes. Since then I've registered with these sites, so that if there is anyone out there conceived with my donations who wants to meet me, they can:

www.donorsiblingregistry.com
www.ukdonorlink.org.uk

I somehow doubt there are any psycho kids out there wanting to bang on my door, but if they want to know who I am, then I think they should have the right to do so. If they're not interested, that's fine too, but it should be their choice.

 

[bruggs]

To break it down to brass tacks;
I'm 24, perfectly healthy (haven't seen a doctor since childhood, no mental illness, however heart issues present on mother's side for males), intelligent (I'm a trainee actuary), looks wise: average to moderately attractive, 6' dead, well built and toned (weight not an issue in the direct family).

Screw ethical dilemmas. You're a bloody stud; the world's your oyster!

 

[Rin Little]

Other than the massive awkward turtle of a conversation that must have been to have with your mom, I'd say go for it. Just so long as you're sure you won't get pulled into any kind of stupid legal shit then why not?