Ever thought of "I give up!" in relationships?

[DoctorObviously]

Trying to keep this as short as possible. So, I'm 22. I've never gotten a kiss before, let alone have had a relationship. Ever. I'm not ugly. When I look in the mirror I really don't consider myself ugly. The last time I dated somebody was a little more than a year ago but that didn't work out. I've been diagnosed with aspergers, sure, but I've homogenized a lot of that kind of stuff; it's very hard to see it from the outside, all traffic is happening on the inside. For example: talking or asking somebody on a date isn't hard at all for me. The latter makes me nervous, for sure, but it's the same feeling I get from wanting to beat a level on a high difficulty in Devil May Cry, for example. I find being brave invigorating, even if no girl ever takes up on the date. It's tiring to see somebody whom I thought was nice turn into such an arrogant person after simply asking to go out on a date with them. Women, is being asked on a date not flattering to you? Maybe I've had an endless combo of bad luck, but from my experience everything has to come from one side and that's always been my own.

I have some colleagues at work whom I talk to, but most women ignore me. Ignoring in the sense that they clearly see I'm there, but actually take the effort to look the other way. I'm a geek, an avid gamer and movie fan. But I also like a bit of everything. I like reading, I like learning, I like working out. I like enriching myself with new experiences and improving myself on all counts. There's a million things I'm interested in and want to learn more of. I'm not unromantic, or hard to talk to. I like to listen and give feedback when people tell a story. It sounds like ranting and that's maybe because it probably is. It's weekend and for everybody I know people are not having such a hard time as I am. Finding girls (or guys) for them is as easy as finding mushrooms in the woods and the always recurring: "One day, you will also find somebody." is seriously starting to piss me off.

I wanted to keep this short and brief and to know if there are others out there who wish to share a similar tale.

 

[Gunner 51]

I think I feel a little similar to you, OP. Much like yourself, I've also been diagnosed with Aspergers and find the societal expectation of me to find a girlfriend rather wearisome. There's just something about me which seems to be nice, but I do acknowlege that I'm just not boyfriend material. (Though not for the lack of trying upon my part, I must add.)

That's the trouble with society, it places such overt and covert pressures on people to find love with a fellow peer and eke out the 2.4 children and a mortgage thing. To someone like me who is something of an emotional outsider to society at large, the expectations of said society places are too much of a burden and emotionally painful for me.

I did the unthinkable, I thought "Fuck it" and gave up on companionship, I stopped watching the news that tells me that the world is slowly turning increasingly violent and insane. With a lack of companionship, I live without the complications of other people's emotions.

Now, I live a simple, yet solipsistic existence. It's not going to make me happy - but it will keep me content and sane.

 

[StorkV]

Try doing some volunteer work in social services, animal protection or something that keeps you in contact with people on different levels see different aspects of society and you never know who you might meet.

 

[The Almighty Aardvark]

It's tiring to see somebody whom I thought was nice turn into such an arrogant person after simply asking to go out on a date with them. Women, is being asked on a date not flattering to you?

My girlfriend certainly doesn't, and it's not just because she has a boyfriend. There's a lot of contexts where people don't just don't want to be asked out. It's often an uncomfortable situation, and there's a lot of people who simply will not take no for an answer. It's not uncommon for nothing short of shoving someone off of you to dissuade them. Particularly at clubs.

I'm not saying you shouldn't ask people out, just be aware of the context and whether or not they look like they're interested before you do

EDIT:
"Which of these is yellow?"
> Yellow Submarine
> Captcha Error

Well I'm stumped

 

[TakerFoxx]

I jumped off that train years ago and never regretted it since.

See, I'm a virgin in just about every sense of the word. Never had sex, never had a girlfriend, never went on a real date, and never been kissed (unless you count joke kisses during a game of spin the bottle). And at first it was because I had other stuff to worry about to even bother looking for a relationship, but later on (I'd say mid-college or so) it was by choice. I watched my parents' marriage dissolve into some very unhappy final years until they finally divorced when I was eighteen, I watched my brother and sister cycle through one girlfriend/boyfriend after another and ended up falling into the same happy-to-misery cycle time after time after time, with them sometimes rebounding less than a week after the last one collapsed. I watched my friends do the same thing and hear in detail how horrible their failing relationships were making their lives. Through it all, I was very much single and just sort of doing my own thing without worrying about getting into a relationship of my own, and I realized, "Wait, they're all miserable because of their relationships, while I'm pretty consistently happy and have been for a while. I wonder if there's a connection."

So I decided to just stay single. And it's AWESOME! My time is my own to spend as I please, my job, hobbies, and personal projects keep me occupied, and saving money is really easy.

Now granted, this is definitely not for everyone. Maybe it's just how I'm wired, but I very rarely ever get lonely, and even when I do it's just general boredom that goes away quickly. In fact, I'm more content when I'm by myself than I am when I'm with other people. Which isn't to say I don't enjoy hanging out with people on occasion, I just don't feel any need to. And according to my sister, this isn't the norm, or something like that. So I guess it just depends on the sort of person you are.

 

[Thaluikhain]

Eh...I was about to say "it's not big deal", but it is, because we are told it is. Everyone in our society gets some degree of Hollywood poisoning (occasionally a fatal dose), and generally ends up feeling that they should be with someone, or worse, that the world "owes" them a partner due to not being a totally horrible person.

However:

For example: talking or asking somebody on a date isn't hard at all for me. The latter makes me nervous, for sure, but it's the same feeling I get from wanting to beat a level on a high difficulty in Devil May Cry, for example. I find being brave invigorating, even if no girl ever takes up on the date. It's tiring to see somebody whom I thought was nice turn into such an arrogant person after simply asking to go out on a date with them. Women, is being asked on a date not flattering to you? Maybe I've had an endless combo of bad luck, but from my experience everything has to come from one side and that's always been my own.

If asking women out will consistently end with them being pissed off or uncomfortable, then you are doing it wrong and should stop.

It's weekend and for everybody I know people are not having such a hard time as I am. Finding girls (or guys) for them is as easy as finding mushrooms in the woods and the always recurring: "One day, you will also find somebody." is seriously starting to piss me off.

Other people not being single...that's something you shouldn't let get to you, though it will tend to.

Being told "you'll find someone"...yeah, that's ok to be pissed off at.

 

[BoogieManFL]

Maybe you should try some dating websites that have a little science behind them. Like eharmony or some such. Or chat rooms for people with aspergers. I'm sure they exist. Common ground is a good foundation to build upon after all.

 

[Hawki]

I can sympathize. Granted, I do have experience with a relationship, though that went sour, to the point where my former significant other and I won't even talk to each other any more.

It's that part that makes me iffy about pursuing relationships at times, or rather, most of the time. If you reveal your feelings for someone and they don't reciprocate, then what was once a good friendship can get very awkward very quickly. And as per the point above, a ruined relationship can ruin what was formerly a good friendship.

 

[Slitzkin]

Stop looking for a relationship. If you are social and put yourself into social situations you will eventually find a person that you are interested in and the feeling is mutual.

 

[Carzinex]

I was the stereotypical geek and was useless with women when i was younger. The reason I think was that i was looking for a "relationship" or a "girl" as in they were a target to be gotten, didn't matter who.

When i got to my early mid twenties things just changed, i had stopped looking for "a" girlfriend and just enjoyed myself out with friends. At some point i started making genuine connections with the women around me and this led to other stuff.

Even your ranting comment rings true with me but as i gained confidence in myself i must have seemed more charismatic because people started listening to these rants, as long as your self aware and apologize for your soapbox and laugh about it becomes a funny thing you do rather than an off putting characteristic.

I'm gonna be 35 this year and i have had alot of fun relationships(some not fun lol)in my time since my early twenties and am now in a great long term relationship with my GF.

I know you've probably heard this before but just do stuff that you find fun in a sociable situation and people with your interests as well will start talking to you and from there who knows.

 

[Armadox]

Allow me to express myself first. I am ugly. I am a hairy, pieced together man. I am also married and awaiting my first kid. Looks are meaningless, as there is someone who'll like how you look regardless. This isn't some competition where you lose if you're not shacked up by 25, you've got time. I recommend not worrying about it, and simply find groups that enjoy the things you do. Meet people there, and get to know them, and be confident.

A good set of clothes and the confidence to wear them plays wonders...

Stop looking for a relationship. If you are social and put yourself into social situations you will eventually find a person that you are interested in and the feeling is mutual.

This guy gets it..

 

[FalloutJack]

This is not a problem that I've had. I'm witty and entertaining, I'm outgoing and a gentleman. You cannot be desperate nor seem aloof and uninterested. You should be the kind of guy who makes himself available when it's important and start the relationship gradually. Don't look for it, but don't discount. Wait to see if perhaps you've gotten friendly enough with a woman before you try get something started.

 

[Pyrian]

I've been diagnosed with aspergers, sure, but I've homogenized a lot of that kind of stuff; it's very hard to see it from the outside, all traffic is happening on the inside. For example: talking or asking somebody on a date isn't hard at all for me. The latter makes me nervous, for sure, but it's the same feeling I get from wanting to beat a level on a high difficulty in Devil May Cry, for example. I find being brave invigorating, even if no girl ever takes up on the date. It's tiring to see somebody whom I thought was nice turn into such an arrogant person after simply asking to go out on a date with them.

Huhhhh. This is like red flag city. I mean, it's one thing when you've got the guys who lack the courage to hit on women in the first place. But if every girl you ask out turns arrogant at that moment - something is going horribly wrong, and I don't mean with them.

 

[Dirty Hipsters]

I jumped off that train years ago and never regretted it since.

See, I'm a virgin in just about every sense of the word. Never had sex, never had a girlfriend, never went on a real date, and never been kissed (unless you count joke kisses during a game of spin the bottle). And at first it was because I had other stuff to worry about to even bother looking for a relationship, but later on (I'd say mid-college or so) it was by choice. I watched my parents' marriage dissolve into some very unhappy final years until they finally divorced when I was eighteen, I watched my brother and sister cycle through one girlfriend/boyfriend after another and ended up falling into the same happy-to-misery cycle time after time after time, with them sometimes rebounding less than a week after the last one collapsed. I watched my friends do the same thing and hear in detail how horrible their failing relationships were making their lives. Through it all, I was very much single and just sort of doing my own thing without worrying about getting into a relationship of my own, and I realized, "Wait, they're all miserable because of their relationships, while I'm pretty consistently happy and have been for a while. I wonder if there's a connection."

So I decided to just stay single. And it's AWESOME! My time is my own to spend as I please, my job, hobbies, and personal projects keep me occupied, and saving money is really easy.

Now granted, this is definitely not for everyone. Maybe it's just how I'm wired, but I very rarely ever get lonely, and even when I do it's just general boredom that goes away quickly. In fact, I'm more content when I'm by myself than I am when I'm with other people. Which isn't to say I don't enjoy hanging out with people on occasion, I just don't feel any need to. And according to my sister, this isn't the norm, or something like that. So I guess it just depends on the sort of person you are.

I'm very similar in many respects. While I'm not a virgin and I have had a few relationships none of them ever lasted very long or made me happy in any significant way. At the beginning of every relationship I had I was really happy to be in a relationship because I figured that was the normal thing to do, but after a few weeks or a few months each relationship would fall apart mostly due to my own disinterest. I'll freely admit that by nature I'm a fairly selfish person, and I'm especially selfish with my time, and maintaining a relationship just costs much more time than I'm willing to give, and I feel that spending that time on one of my many hobbies, or just hanging out with friends always leaves me happier overall.

Because of this I've given up on relationships completely since college. All my friends know about this and none of them really care, and no one pressures me to get a girlfriend or tells me that eventually I'll find happiness if I try hard enough. They all tend to understand that I just dislike most people and enjoy my space, and they know that I'm a happy bachelor.

The best thing about being single and happy with it is that everything I do is done for my own benefit. I don't workout and eat right to attract women, I do it because it makes me feel good and I like being healthy. I don't dress nicely to attract members of the opposite sex, I do it because I like the way I look. If I'm going somewhere or doing something it's because I want to do it, not because I'm hoping that my girlfriend will put out for me if I take her somewhere nice. The freedom is fantastic.

 

[Aesir23]

I'm sort of similar to you, OP. I have dated once before but found that I really didn't like the experience for various reasons. Outside of my family I really don't like spending too much time with people to the point where seeing them more than once or twice a week really starts to stretch it. I adore the time I have to myself and I tend to be pretty selfish with my time.

In short, I am a huge introvert. If I could win the lottery, hole up in a cabin in the woods, and by some miracle find decent internet in a rural area then I would be the happiest hermit on earth.

I'm very happy being single and, for the time being, I have no desire for that to change.

 

[Scars Unseen]

Honestly? Don't feel that you need to rush. Enjoy the things you enjoy, and look for others that enjoy the same things. In time, you'll find someone who will fit into the life you've decided to live. I personally found that I enjoy taking life as it comes rather than having a relationship status as a goal.

I can't say that I hadn't kissed anyone at your age(Renfaire camping grounds and alcohol saw to that), but I didn't start dating and having sex until I was 25. That wasn't a conscious decision on my part; I just didn't encounter anyone that suited me until then. One of my few regrets is breaking up with her, since I've never found anyone that was her match since then, but again, I'm in no hurry. I don't hate being alone, so I can afford to wait for quality, rather than constantly seeking someone to be with all the time.

 

[Saetha]

To be honest? Yeah, I kinda have. Which is rather sad, I guess - I haven't even broken twenty yet, but I just... don't ever see it happening for me.

I'm not pretty. I'm not outgoing. I'm not energetic or friendly. I'm plain and shy and introverted to the core. I'm not saying this all to get sympathy. I'm actually okay with all this. I know what makes me happy, what will always make me happy, and I don't need a boyfriend or even friends to enjoy it. If there are people out there who manage to worm their way into friendship status with me, then great. But if they don't, well, I don't need them. At best, I find socialization fun but exhausting. At worst, I find it a goddamn minefield that I'll go to extreme lengths to avoid. That is something that does NOT make me happy, and I may miss out on a lot in life for it, but fuck it, this is who I am.

I am a hopeless romantic, and I'd like a boyfriend, in the way that you might like a mansion or a trip to the moon. It's not something you ever expect to have happen, something that's so impossible it's not even worth pursuing. I've got closer dreams to work towards. In the meantime, well, romance novels exist for a reason.

 

[Ariseishirou]

Women, is being asked on a date not flattering to you?

Depends entirely on the context. If we're at work/otherwise occupied/the guy is old enough to be our father, no, no it isn't. It's extremely annoying, and it can be outright aggravating if the guy is persistent.

Just to put it into perspective: I know it's changing these days, but a lot of girls are still taught that they're supposed to please people (men especially) and never make anyone upset. We know that saying "no" to a date will upset the guy, so it puts us in an awkward and uncomfortable position; if you combine that with the fact that sometimes a "no" is an absolutely given and there's no _way_ the guy doesn't realize this (e.g. we're at work or he's old enough to be our dad) it's easy to see it as a dick move and really dislike the guy for even asking.

Also keep in mind that for young, attractive girls (which is what 99.99999999% of men go for) this is practically a non-stop phenomenon, to the point where it gets absolutely aggravating, and they're about ready to tell guys in general to go fuck themselves. At school, at work, at the gym, in the grocery store, you name it, in these regular places where they're trying to do regular activities, it's a barrage of completely unwanted sexual interest, with the utterly unflattering absolute certainty that the only thing these guys are interested in is their looks, as none of them do this to the older and/or ugly women around.

If you actually want to get to know girls, do social activities that include them, and don't hit on them. See what happens. If you just want to hit on girls, go on a dating site or to a bar, where the girls are there to be hit on for the most part, and know that guys asking them out is part of the deal, so they won't resent it even if they're not interested and will turn you down lightly. Or they might accept!

 

[Yopaz]

I want to do that and I have up until recently been able to put it out of my mind.

I have social anxiety and I am deathly afraid of getting close to people. When it comes to asking someone out I fear every possible outcome. I don't want to be rejected, I don't want her to accept, I am afraid what will happen if she likes me, I am afraid of what happens if she doesn't like me. It's all a jumble of conflicting emotions and I just want to avoid it all.

I am not sure if I am attractive or not, but girls generally like me. I have a friend who's told me that I am good looking, but I don't have the self esteem to believe her completely and I think she's the kind of person who could lie to make me feel better. She's also been trying to encourage me to find someone and that has kinda drawn me out a little. The thought of getting out there scares me and confuses me and I don't think a girl would be happier with me than if she was alone. That's why I rather stick with having friends rather than getting into a relationship.

That said I am happy the way I am now. I have started relaxing more, I have more friends and my anxiety has been improving a lot over the past year.

To be honest? Yeah, I kinda have. Which is rather sad, I guess - I haven't even broken twenty yet, but I just... don't ever see it happening for me.

I'm not pretty. I'm not outgoing. I'm not energetic or friendly. I'm plain and shy and introverted to the core. I'm not saying this all to get sympathy. I'm actually okay with all this. I know what makes me happy, what will always make me happy, and I don't need a boyfriend or even friends to enjoy it. If there are people out there who manage to worm their way into friendship status with me, then great. But if they don't, well, I don't need them. At best, I find socialization fun but exhausting. At worst, I find it a goddamn minefield that I'll go to extreme lengths to avoid. That is something that does NOT make me happy, and I may miss out on a lot in life for it, but fuck it, this is who I am.

I am a hopeless romantic, and I'd like a boyfriend, in the way that you might like a mansion or a trip to the moon. It's not something you ever expect to have happen, something that's so impossible it's not even worth pursuing. I've got closer dreams to work towards. In the meantime, well, romance novels exist for a reason.

I can relate to this. I remember at some point I would isolate myself for a day or two if I had been particularly out there in order to feel right again. I once started hyperventilating after flirting with someone (with success). Best advice I can give you is to take it easy and don't do things you're uncomfortable with. It might never feel better to interact with people, but maybe you'll be as lucky as I have been.