Ever thought of "I give up!" in relationships?

[DocJ]

I actually felt exactly like this not too long ago to be honest. I met someone online through a clan and we had ended up really starting to talk during our roleplay campaigns that the clan was so prominent with. We spent a lot of time together, played games, wrote stories, watched TV, etcetera. We actually had a small relationship online to see how it would go and I just couldn't take it.

Everything felt exactly the same as before, and it felt worse because of that. In the whole, almost a year I knew her we always chatted through text. One, three minute skype voice only call was made before it stopped and we resorted back to text for her sake. We never did anything new, in fact we started to do things less. Which is why the relationship was even worse than it was when we were just friends. We both gave off mixed signals I'll admit. We're both usually quiet individuals. For example I'd see her playing a game I know she liked so I thought I'd just be polite and let her have fun while I went off and did my own things till she was done. And she almost never was. She'd hop into another game with some friends, start watching a friend's stream, stuff that I just felt bad about tearing her away from. Whenever we spent time together, it felt like I was forcing her to be there, forcing her to do things she didn't want to and while she never said that was the case when I brought it up she never really expressed interest in anything I suggested. For instance I'd say we could play a game we both like and her response would be similar to a shrug of the shoulders and a response of "Whatever, I don't mind".

It's just, I guess I expected more when we started dating. But I was raised as the 'Nice guy' and felt it was impolite to ask and pressure her while she was too shy to do it of her own volition. We just did less and less together and eventually I gave up. I couldn't keep feeling all jealous and upset. It made me just feel terrible.

So yeah, that's but one of my stories. Haven't heard from her since I cut ties. But she certainly seems to be getting along well from what I can tell, already moved on which always makes me smile.

 

[McElroy]

I can't give up. As my motivation for a lot of other things has decreased, relationship hunting is creeping up to the top spot. A couple of times due to bad breaks, several times due to my lack of situational awareness, I am single to this day. Anyway, once this ridiculous winter rash heals from my face and I can get a good selfie, it's Tinder time!

Stop looking for a relationship. If you are social and put yourself into social situations you will eventually find a person that you are interested in and the feeling is mutual.

As far as my experiences go you'll just watch as everyone else hooks up and in the end only you and the gay are left. I for one seem to naturally fill the role of that guy who's fun to hang around with and that's it.

I am a hopeless romantic, and I'd like a boyfriend, in the way that you might like a mansion or a trip to the moon. It's not something you ever expect to have happen, something that's so impossible it's not even worth pursuing. I've got closer dreams to work towards. In the meantime, well, romance novels exist for a reason.

Getting a boy-/girlfriend is still the easiest one out of those three. Now excuse me I must go back to my winter palace on the Moon.

 

[Colour Scientist]

It's tiring to see somebody whom I thought was nice turn into such an arrogant person after simply asking to go out on a date with them

Are they actually suddenly turning into arrogant women or are you just perceiving it that way because they rejected you?

They could just be the same nice person but you don't like them anymore because they don't want to date you.

Someone asking you out can be a really uncomfortable situation. It's hard to turn someone down without hurting their feelings because if you don't do it in the nicest way possible, they might think you're, oh, I don't know, arrogant or a ***** or something. Even if you do it in the nicest way possible, you don't know how people are going to be react. It's not as simple as just standing around, batting your eyelids and feeling flattered.

 

[DoctorObviously]

Women, is being asked on a date not flattering to you?

Depends entirely on the context. If we're at work/otherwise occupied/the guy is old enough to be our father, no, no it isn't. It's extremely annoying, and it can be outright aggravating if the guy is persistent.

If you actually want to get to know girls, do social activities that include them, and don't hit on them. See what happens. If you just want to hit on girls, go on a dating site or to a bar, where the girls are there to be hit on for the most part, and know that guys asking them out is part of the deal, so they won't resent it even if they're not interested and will turn you down lightly. Or they might accept!

Of course, that's only logical. Maybe I could've detailed my original post a little better... I didn't want to come over as if I ask any girl out on a date, because I don't.

It's tiring to see somebody whom I thought was nice turn into such an arrogant person after simply asking to go out on a date with them

Are they actually suddenly turning into arrogant women or are you just perceiving it that way because they rejected you?

No, no, I'm perceiving it very clearly. By arrogant I meant they went from being very friendly and having short little conversations to completely shutting down or not even saying a hello after I simply asked them if they would be interested to go out sometime. I don't know in what other way I can explain that. I'm completely fine with it if they don't want to.

Yes, the internet is full of these kinds of stories, and yes, it's likely that most people hate me just for suggesting that what I say may be true. I don't often make forum posts, and I only make them when I really have something on my mind and when I need the insights of others. That's the beauty of the internet, because it's full of all sorts of people who all have different experiences. I'm not bending facts or telling lies, I'm simply writing that that's what happened and it happens often. I'm not a creep, or I don't talk or behave weird. It's just frustrating that I have to preface this before I even start talking about what actually happened. Not everybody on the internet is some kind of Tommy Wiseau. Some people just want to tell a story, need advice and can't think of a better place to tell it than on a forum thread.

 

[Colour Scientist]

No, no, I'm perceiving it very clearly. By arrogant I meant they went from being very friendly and having short little conversations to completely shutting down or not even saying a hello after I simply asked them if they would be interested to go out sometime. I don't know in what other way I can explain that. I'm completely fine with it if they don't want to.

That sounds like the reaction of someone who feels awkward and unsure, not someone arrogant.

They probably don't know how to react because it's an uncomfortable situation. If they were really friendly, they might be worried about sending mixed signals or seeming like they're trying to rub it in your face.

You might be projecting your own negative feelings on to them.

 

[sanquin]

I've had my first girlfriend at age 24. So don't be so hard on yourself. Funnily enough, both times I met them in social situations, and they were the ones to ask me, while I had barely considered it. Currently there's also one girl. We...have a thing for each other but it's complicated, you could say. Even so, once again I met her at a (recurring) social occasion.

I think the problem is that men tend to get 'desperate'. As in "I have no girlfriend and I really want one!" I don't know how, but it's like women can pick up on that. The best advice, even though it's cliché as hell, is still "stop actively looking, and just be you'. Just being yourself shows confidence, and not actually looking for a girlfriend and treating each and every woman as 'just another person' gets rid of that 'desperate' vibe. Heck, I wouldn't be surprised if 'bad boys' get girls like that too. They're not 'really' looking for a partner, just to have a good time.

 

[Tatsuki]

I am actually genuinely surprised at the sheer amount of people in the same boat, but maybe its just the prevelance of geek in the area I live.

I have been in several relationships, most of which lasting over 2 years (I can't do short flings) but at the same time I have had some pretty messy breakups and heartbreak, but I couldn't imagine giving up on them just because I know the joy I have gotten out of them and still do (current relationship 7 years)

I would say more or less the same as a few other people here, stop seeking out relationships and just focus on getting on with people normally, if things happen, they happen and if there is chemistry... eugh I really hate calling it that... you can quite often not stop it happening.

So all in all do what your title says, give up on relationships, when they aren't a focus they are just as likely to happen without the stress of thinking about it.

Probably not advice that would help you but I find tabletop gaming is a great way to branch out and meet new people of a similar mind.

 

[Thaluikhain]

I'm not a creep, or I don't talk or behave weird.

With respect, few would say they are the latter two, and almost none the former. I know nothing about you beyond what you've written in this thread, so I'm not saying you are a creep or anything, but if you were, you'd probably not know it, or admit it to yourself if you did.

Likewise:

No, no, I'm perceiving it very clearly.

If you were perceiving things in a certain way, you'd not know, because you'd be perceiving things in that way.

 

[Lilani]

I find being brave invigorating, even if no girl ever takes up on the date. It's tiring to see somebody whom I thought was nice turn into such an arrogant person after simply asking to go out on a date with them. Women, is being asked on a date not flattering to you? Maybe I've had an endless combo of bad luck, but from my experience everything has to come from one side and that's always been my own.

As a female, these statements right here set off some major warning bells in my head.

So, you think of yourself as being confident and brave when you ask someone out, and you're expecting their reaction to be flattered? That's...really not how it works at all. If you're expecting women to be "flattered" when you ask them on a date, that means your head is obviously not in the right place. If you ask someone you find attractive out on a date and they say yes, YOU'RE the one that should be feeling flattered. If not, I'd question why you're asking people out if I were you. This attitude seems to suggest you think the privilege of dating you is an honor you bestow upon others, not a mutual relationship you initiate with someone you see as an equal.

Secondly, as someone else already pointed out, if you are consistently having a problem with women turning out different when you start dating them, that's a sign something's going wrong on your end, not theirs. Either you're not getting to know them enough before dating them or your expectations are way off base.

I have some colleagues at work whom I talk to, but most women ignore me. Ignoring in the sense that they clearly see I'm there, but actually take the effort to look the other way. I'm a geek, an avid gamer and movie fan. But I also like a bit of everything. I like reading, I like learning, I like working out. I like enriching myself with new experiences and improving myself on all counts. There's a million things I'm interested in and want to learn more of. I'm not unromantic, or hard to talk to. I like to listen and give feedback when people tell a story. It sounds like ranting and that's maybe because it probably is. It's weekend and for everybody I know people are not having such a hard time as I am. Finding girls (or guys) for them is as easy as finding mushrooms in the woods and the always recurring: "One day, you will also find somebody." is seriously starting to piss me off.

I work in a big place with lots of people, men and women. I promise you there are many people, both men and women, who I "ignore" simply because it would be exhausting and time-consuming to stop and take notice of every person around me. And often times on a break or whatever I'm there to relax and not talk to people or be social for a bit, so I do actively ignore those around me so I can have some me time.

Most women do not go to work to be romanced. They go there to work, and perhaps socialize with what friends they have at work. If you want to get to know women at your work, try being friends. I've had two boyfriends in my life, and I'm approaching my second anniversary with my current one, and in both of these cases we started as just simple friends. But then there was a point where I realized I liked them more than just a friend, and when I made that known to them they realized it too. But I did not make friends with them with the intention of going out with them. We were just two people with chemistry hanging out in the same places frequently.

So that leads me to a question. When you asked these women on a date, did you feel anything for them, beyond any physical attraction? You've talked a lot about how you feel about yourself when asking women on dates and how you think women feel about you, but what do you feel about them? Do they interest you as a person? What sorts of things make you interested in asking them on a date? Again, not physical features, give me personality traits or general characters. And how much do you get to know them before asking them out?

No offense, but it sounds like you have a slightly entitled attitude about this, at least with the way you've worded this and what aspects of the story you've chosen to emphasize. If I had to summarize your story in a glib sentence, it would read, "I'm attractive and easy to talk to, so why don't women notice me?"

 

[Phasmal]

Women, is being asked on a date not flattering to you?

Mmmm.... not really.
I feel uncomfortable when I find out that someone is interested in me, I'd really rather they just weren't. It gets a bit awkward.
And of course as others have said it depends on context. I personally know a lot of women who wouldn't go on a date with someone who wasn't already their friend first.

-

There's nothing wrong with being happy being single, if that's what you want to do.
It sounds irritating, but most people find partners once they stop looking for them.
All I can advise is try making more friends with women and relax about it.

Personally, I was ready to give up on relationships for a while before I started dating my boyfriend, as I'd just gotten out of a really crappy 2 year relationship. Things tend to happen when you're not looking for them sometimes.

 

[Proverbial Jon]

I was 26 (27 now) when I met the girl I am now planning on proposing to. I was a virgin at that time too. To be completely candid I don't think either of us are that socially awkward nor particularly unattractive, for the record.

But before I met her I was in the same situation, just about ready to give up, and honestly, so was she. All our friends were with someone, married and most had kids too. Here we were, both still virgins with no particular long-term relationships in our pasts to speak of either.

I guess my point is that it happens, eventually. And probably when you least expect it to. You don't have to "give up" on relationships per se, keep an open mind. But that constant yearning and desire to seek someone out is what seems to make it all the worse. Concentrate on yourself, what you love in life and maybe some day someone will come along who shares those interests, or even better, someone who likes you enough to learn more about them and you.

Good luck friend.

 

[DoctorObviously]

I guess my point is that it happens, eventually. And probably when you least expect it to. You don't have to "give up" on relationships per se, keep an open mind. But that constant yearning and desire to seek someone out is what seems to make it all the worse. Concentrate on yourself, what you love in life and maybe some day someone will come along who shares those interests, or even better, someone who likes you enough to learn more about them and you.

Good luck friend.

Thank you. And good luck for the proposal!

 

[Musette]

I guess my answer depends on how you define giving up.

When I was in high school, I was hell-bent on "falling in love" and entered relationships simply because the other person had feelings for me. Pro tip: that's a pretty stupid approach and it ends poorly for everyone involved. The last person I dated seemed to be ridiculously compatible with me (at least, on paper), and when that fell apart, I started questioning my approach. After that, I decided that I would only enter a relationship only if I actually was attracted to the person. It's been about 5 years since then, and I have started to notice that I'm just not attracted to people romantically.

Lucky me, I found the love I wanted, even if it took on a different form than expected. I'm beyond passionate about percussion and am only half joking when I say that getting my doctorate will be my way of "marrying" my music.

So in a sense, I gave up on trying to force romantic relationships on myself, but that's less of me saying "fuck romance" and more of me saying "romance doesn't seem to be for me, and that's okay."

 

[Elfgore]

Though I haven't completely given up on relationships, I'm no longer actively searching for them. If something comes along and something comes out of it, I'll go for it. As of now, I'm fine spending all of my free-time and money the way I want. I doubt I would have been able to watch all the episodes of One Piece in five months if I had a girlfriend to handle.

 

[Pyrian]

...sometimes a "no" is an absolutely given and there's no _way_ the guy doesn't realize this (e.g. we're at work or he's old enough to be our dad)...

Or both. XD Sadly, though, substantial numbers of relationships fit at least one of those criteria; guys don't think that a no is an absolute given in such circumstances because they know lots of people who've made it work. XD

 

[Phasmal]

...sometimes a "no" is an absolutely given and there's no _way_ the guy doesn't realize this (e.g. we're at work or he's old enough to be our dad)...

Or both. XD Sadly, though, substantial numbers of relationships fit at least one of those criteria; guys don't think that a no is an absolute given in such circumstances because they know lots of people who've made it work. XD

Really?
You know people who got into a relationship by relentlessly pursuing another person who wasn't initially interested?

Jeez, I thought that only happened in the movies. What a bizarre way to start a relationship.

 

[Pyrian]

...sometimes a "no" is an absolutely given and there's no _way_ the guy doesn't realize this (e.g. we're at work or he's old enough to be our dad)...

Or both. XD Sadly, though, substantial numbers of relationships fit at least one of those criteria; guys don't think that a no is an absolute given in such circumstances because they know lots of people who've made it work. XD

You know people who got into a relationship by relentlessly pursuing another person who wasn't initially interested?

What, wait? There is absolutely nothing like that anywhere in my post. It's not what I said, nor what I meant, nor what I think. It is entirely your creation. Why did you superimpose it on my unrelated post?

No, I do not know a lot of relationships born of relentlessly pursuing an uninterested party, and I have no idea where you got that impression. I know a very large number of relationships of people who met at workplaces ("we're at work"), and a smaller but still substantial number of relationships with 18+ year age differences ("old enough to be our dad"). Like I said.

 

[Phasmal]

...sometimes a "no" is an absolutely given and there's no _way_ the guy doesn't realize this (e.g. we're at work or he's old enough to be our dad)...

Or both. XD Sadly, though, substantial numbers of relationships fit at least one of those criteria; guys don't think that a no is an absolute given in such circumstances because they know lots of people who've made it work. XD

You know people who got into a relationship by relentlessly pursuing another person who wasn't initially interested?

What, wait? There is absolutely nothing like that anywhere in my post. It's not what I said, nor what I meant, nor what I think. It is entirely your creation. Why did you superimpose it on my unrelated post?

No, I do not know a lot of relationships born of relentlessly pursuing an uninterested party, and I have no idea where you got that impression. I know a very large number of relationships of people who met at workplaces ("we're at work"), and a smaller but still substantial number of relationships with 18+ year age differences ("old enough to be our dad"). Like I said.

Hahaha, I thought I must have been misunderstanding that!
Okay, whoops. My bad.

I thought you meant you knew people who got together even if they say no at first.

 

[stroopwafel]

You need to figure out the 'type' you're dealing with. Some women want be friends first, some women want to be aggressively chased(obviously there is a fine line that should not be crossed), some women want to be cold shouldered(meaning, don't be too eager so that she needs to put effort in as well). But nothing eliminates your chances more than reeking of desperation. Also, every woman loves a compliment. So, start at that and expect nothing in return. You'll be surprised how easy it is to gauge someone's response to you without having to be rejected.

Also, don't give up so easily. And don't take rejection or people's reactions to you personal. Most of the time it doesn't even have anything to do with you anyway. I know many people need to work up the courage to approach someone only to have it shot down within seconds, but that is just the way it works.

 

[Remus]

I gave up on relationships before I was old enough to be in one, don't know about you guys.