Feedback on a Story

[tjbond911]

Hey guys I'm currently in the process of writing a story and I just finished typing this one part of it that I thought would be cool to share so any feedback you have on it, even if you say it's awful, would be appreciated.
Thanks.

Have you ever seen an action movie where the good guy gets into a firefight with a bunch of thugs and at the end he?s standing in the middle of the room and all the bodies of the bad guys are scattered around the room, proving that he?s a total badass? I always wondered what was going on in his head after all that. I always kinda assumed that he would be thinking something like ?Damn I?m Good?. Well I?m in that situation right now and I can tell you that all I think about right now is what a big fucking mess this all is. Taking care of one body is a hassle itself, taking care of, let?s see ?one two three four?. Sixteen bodies? is well? different.

So what do you do with sixteen lifeless bodies? Well get rid of them obviously, but how exactly? Well there?s the traditional way of putting them in the ground but something tells me I wouldn't be able to dig a mass grave for sixteen dead guys. And I doubt I could get Colin to help me. I can imagine that conversation right now, ?Hey Colin, what?s up?? ?O yeah I?m good everything?s good? ?No really everything?s fine? ?Hey so do you think you could do me a favor?? ?Could you drive 15 miles out of town to an abandoned warehouse and help me bury a bunch of dead thugs? You?re a priest and all so you?ve done funerals before and this shouldn?t be much different.? ?O you?re calling the Police on me? Ok, see you in 25 years to never!?

Alright I guess I could throw them in the river but I have a feeling I?d be seeing their bodies on the morning news.

So that leaves me with one other option, torching the place. It would take a while to do and would attract a lot of attention but considering I?ve left my fair share of my own DNA in here it?s the best option I?ve got. Damn this is a cluster fuck.

 

[ohnoitsabear]

That is very, very hard to read. Breaking it up into two or three (or more) paragraphs will help this immensely. Aside from that, it looks pretty good, but I'm no expert on writing.

 

[tjbond911]

That is very, very hard to read. Breaking it up into two or three (or more) paragraphs will help this immensely. Aside from that, it looks pretty good, but I'm no expert on writing.

Thanks for the feedback and I put it into paragraphs but it won't indent on this site so it doesn't look right.

 

[ohnoitsabear]

That is very, very hard to read. Breaking it up into two or three (or more) paragraphs will help this immensely. Aside from that, it looks pretty good, but I'm no expert on writing.

Thanks for the feedback and I put it into paragraphs but it won't indent on this site so it doesn't look right.

Much better. I'd say it looks pretty good, definitely better than something I'd be able to write.

 

[tjbond911]

That is very, very hard to read. Breaking it up into two or three (or more) paragraphs will help this immensely. Aside from that, it looks pretty good, but I'm no expert on writing.

Thanks for the feedback and I put it into paragraphs but it won't indent on this site so it doesn't look right.

Much better. I'd say it looks pretty good, definitely better than something I'd be able to write.

Thanks

 

[Nouw]

Have you tried breaking up that first sentence? It's quite a read and feels overwhelming. Otherwise, it's pretty spot on. It's a great comedic look into something that's overlooked in the world of film.

 

[tjbond911]

Have you tried breaking up that first sentence? It's quite a read and feels overwhelming. Otherwise, it's pretty spot on. It's a great comedic look into something that's overlooked in the world of film.

Yeah I have that problem in my writing sometimes and thanks, I actually thought of it tonight when I saw the movie Looper.

 

[Nouw]

Have you tried breaking up that first sentence? It's quite a read and feels overwhelming. Otherwise, it's pretty spot on. It's a great comedic look into something that's overlooked in the world of film.

Yeah I have that problem in my writing sometimes and thanks, I actually thought of it tonight when I saw the movie Looper.

Really? Well keep writing, because so far it's pretty cool.

 

[tjbond911]

Have you tried breaking up that first sentence? It's quite a read and feels overwhelming. Otherwise, it's pretty spot on. It's a great comedic look into something that's overlooked in the world of film.

Yeah I have that problem in my writing sometimes and thanks, I actually thought of it tonight when I saw the movie Looper.

Really? Well keep writing, because so far it's pretty cool.

Thanks, I'll be posting parts of the story as I write them

 

[tjbond911]

Hey everyone thanks for the feedback I really appreciate it

 

[SlaveNumber23]

I enjoyed reading this and I can't see any problems with it so great job and good luck writing the rest!

 

[tjbond911]

I enjoyed reading this and I can't see any problems with it so great job and good luck writing the rest!

Thanks!!

 

[Fasckira]

Overuse of "well" perhaps! Though as its coming from the 1st person that could be the characters particular habit but if the whole story features the word "well" as much it could get a bit tiresome to read.

Aside from that, quite like it. I like the kind of tongue-in-cheek attitude you're putting across.

 

[dangoball]

It's quite good, though I would appreciate more of his thoughts on the situation. Like muscle/joint pain from the fight, thoughts on being covered in blood of his now dead enemies or the look in their eyes as life was leaving their bodies. Something like that.

And since this is a "Feedback on a Story" thread, I'll shamelessly put my own bit up for criticism. Inspired by White Wolfs WoD Mage setting.

Broken? Me? You must be mistaken. My body may be crippled, my power siphoned away, that much is true. My spirit and my mind remain untouched, though, and I refuse to give up in face of such insignificant obstacle as weakness of flesh is. I aim to regain what I once lost and attain even more! That said, I do not lust for power, no. I simply seek power for it is hidden in knowledge and therefore to posses knowledge is to posses power over ones life. Those who seek power through knowledge only to gain omnipotence are fools destined to downfall. I have learned from the mistakes of others. Now I offer the same to you ? learn from my mistakes, before you do them yourself. I will not repeat myself so listen closely. I will tell you how I blindly accepted offered power and then lost it out of ignorance.


It all began when I was studying the occult for petty reasons such as the ability to control others. Daemon summoning, vodun, sacrificial rituals and other forms of dark arts. Somehow I made something work and at that moment I felt a surge of energy flowing through me, giving me life yet weakening me at the same time. The subject of the successful experiment was found dead that evening.

What I didn't know at the time was that the change in energy flows was noticed by others. An unknown man with an aura of immense power showed up at my doorstep following morning, offering mastery over my newly awakened potential and more power than I could ever imagine. Naturally I accepted his offer for it was exactly what I was searching for at that time, becoming his student. Witchcraft, sorcery, wizardry or whatever others call it, it's always the same. My master called it the Arcane arts, I decided to call it simply Craft, for the true mastery lays in creating something new, not in mimicking what others discovered. I learned that the hard way, unlike my fellow apprentice.

Indeed I was not the only one living with my master. One more student and one... formal student I suppose. The other students advancement was slow. Incantations I mastered in days ? or at least I thought so ? took him weeks. When I was able to summon a wall of fire, he could hardly lit a candle. I had only little respect for him then.

The formal student was of completely different sort. His mind seemed broken, his body withered away, yet it was not due to age. Master told us the poor creature could not control his powers and that was what drove him mad. This claim was supported by the reaction the poor one gave at sight of our Master. He quickly crawled to a corner of his small, filthy cell and screamed: ?No more magic! Please! I'll be good! I'll be good! Please, no more magic...? I decided to leave him alone, however the other student spend many hours in his company, even though it was discouraged by Master.

 

[nyttyn]

It...

Uh, it kind of just ends. There's not enough meat, at all. You have your hook, but then you do nothing with it really. I'd advise getting some more meat into the story before you ask for feedback, because right now there's nothing to really sink my teeth into. Also, your first sentence is a runon sentence. Try "Have you ever seen an action movie? Do you know that scene where the good guy gets into a firefight with a bunch of thugs, and at the end he's standing in the middle of the room, and all the bodies of the bad guys are scattered around the room, proving that he's a total badass?"

It feels less like a story, and more like a opinion piece at this point.

 

[tjbond911]

It...

Uh, it kind of just ends. There's not enough meat, at all. You have your hook, but then you do nothing with it really. I'd advise getting some more meat into the story before you ask for feedback, because right now there's nothing to really sink my teeth into. Also, your first sentence is a runon sentence. Try "Have you ever seen an action movie? Do you know that scene where the good guy gets into a firefight with a bunch of thugs, and at the end he's standing in the middle of the room, and all the bodies of the bad guys are scattered around the room, proving that he's a total badass?"

It feels less like a story, and more like a opinion piece at this point.

It's not really a story, it's an excerpt from a story

 

[NightHawk21]

I haven't takes english in a long time so for any of the more novel writing conventions I'm probably not your guy, but I will say that its interesting, so good job on that.

 

[tjbond911]

It's quite good, though I would appreciate more of his thoughts on the situation. Like muscle/joint pain from the fight, thoughts on being covered in blood of his now dead enemies or the look in their eyes as life was leaving their bodies. Something like that.

And since this is a "Feedback on a Story" thread, I'll shamelessly put my own bit up for criticism. Inspired by White Wolfs WoD Mage setting.

Broken? Me? You must be mistaken. My body may be crippled, my power siphoned away, that much is true. My spirit and my mind remain untouched, though, and I refuse to give up in face of such insignificant obstacle as weakness of flesh is. I aim to regain what I once lost and attain even more! That said, I do not lust for power, no. I simply seek power for it is hidden in knowledge and therefore to posses knowledge is to posses power over ones life. Those who seek power through knowledge only to gain omnipotence are fools destined to downfall. I have learned from the mistakes of others. Now I offer the same to you ? learn from my mistakes, before you do them yourself. I will not repeat myself so listen closely. I will tell you how I blindly accepted offered power and then lost it out of ignorance.


It all began when I was studying the occult for petty reasons such as the ability to control others. Daemon summoning, vodun, sacrificial rituals and other forms of dark arts. Somehow I made something work and at that moment I felt a surge of energy flowing through me, giving me life yet weakening me at the same time. The subject of the successful experiment was found dead that evening.

What I didn't know at the time was that the change in energy flows was noticed by others. An unknown man with an aura of immense power showed up at my doorstep following morning, offering mastery over my newly awakened potential and more power than I could ever imagine. Naturally I accepted his offer for it was exactly what I was searching for at that time, becoming his student. Witchcraft, sorcery, wizardry or whatever others call it, it's always the same. My master called it the Arcane arts, I decided to call it simply Craft, for the true mastery lays in creating something new, not in mimicking what others discovered. I learned that the hard way, unlike my fellow apprentice.

Indeed I was not the only one living with my master. One more student and one... formal student I suppose. The other students advancement was slow. Incantations I mastered in days ? or at least I thought so ? took him weeks. When I was able to summon a wall of fire, he could hardly lit a candle. I had only little respect for him then.

The formal student was of completely different sort. His mind seemed broken, his body withered away, yet it was not due to age. Master told us the poor creature could not control his powers and that was what drove him mad. This claim was supported by the reaction the poor one gave at sight of our Master. He quickly crawled to a corner of his small, filthy cell and screamed: ?No more magic! Please! I'll be good! I'll be good! Please, no more magic...? I decided to leave him alone, however the other student spend many hours in his company, even though it was discouraged by Master.

That's a great idea, I think I'll add something like that when I write the rest of the scene. I could have him putting the bodies into a pile and when he picks one up it says something life: "I felt the all my muscles ache simultaneously 'Ah Fuck!', the adrenaline was wearing off and I would soon be in a lot of pain. Especially from the bullet wound, which I just discovered, in my side. Luckily it looked like it a graze but but either it way it hurt like hell." Then after he's finished torching the warehouse I was thinking he could say something like: " Next time I'm in a gunfight I'll probably dive in front of a bullet so I don't have to go through this shit again." I could also include something about the stench of burning bodies etc.

 

[Kpt._Rob]

The key to writing fiction is editing until you don't think you can edit any more, and then going back and editing 5, 10, or 20 times more.

For my tastes, the narrator's tone is a little too conversational. I don't find myself particularly interested in the action movie metaphor (which is a bit of a cliche), and the reason is because it's not necessary. All I need to know is that the character is in a room with 16 dead bodies, and that he's trying to figure out what to do. That alone is an interesting enough scenario, you don't need to burden it with prosaic elements. That would really be my critique of everything here, is that the conversational tone means you're giving the reader a lot of information which doesn't help them enjoy the story.

Of course that's just my opinion, and I certainly wouldn't blame you for disagreeing. As a painter if someone looked at one of my Acrylic pieces and told me that it had too much paint and too many brush strokes in it, I'd tell them to go fuck themselves, because that's the way I wanted it. And yet here I am telling you that your story has too many words in it. So take my advice if you want. Regardless of the art form you're working in, the most important thing is that you're passionate about what you're doing, and that you're willing to defend it against people like myself who may criticize your style. If you care enough to do that, then you'll be able to make anything work.

 

[tjbond911]

The key to writing fiction is editing until you don't think you can edit any more, and then going back and editing 5, 10, or 20 times more.

For my tastes, the narrator's tone is a little too conversational. I don't find myself particularly interested in the action movie metaphor (which is a bit of a cliche), and the reason is because it's not necessary. All I need to know is that the character is in a room with 16 dead bodies, and that he's trying to figure out what to do. That alone is an interesting enough scenario, you don't need to burden it with prosaic elements. That would really be my critique of everything here, is that the conversational tone means you're giving the reader a lot of information which doesn't help them enjoy the story.

Of course that's just my opinion, and I certainly wouldn't blame you for disagreeing. As a painter if someone looked at one of my Acrylic pieces and told me that it had too much paint and too many brush strokes in it, I'd tell them to go fuck themselves, because that's the way I wanted it. And yet here I am telling you that your story has too many words in it. So take my advice if you want. Regardless of the art form you're working in, the most important thing is that you're passionate about what you're doing, and that you're willing to defend it against people like myself who may criticize your style. If you care enough to do that, then you'll be able to make anything work.

I appreciate your opinion on it but I added the action movie reference because I thought it would add to the humor in the scene. And your right I can probably edit this a lot more but I just wrote it last night. And the conversational tone is supposed to make the story seem more personal, kinda like he's talking to the reader. I've seen it in other books (that use first person) including one of my favorites, John Dies at the End. But I do appreciate what you have to say nonetheless.