Feeling betrayed..

[xWestie]

I've had a hell of a day today, and just want to know what people make of this..

For the last few months, things have been kinda off with my boyfriend. 4 times he's tried to say he doesn't want to be with me, that he needs time away from me, but then always came up with a reason to try again. The last time this happened, 2 weeks ago, it seemed like that was it for good. Untill I told him everything I felt, including that he spends no time with me, he's always on the xbox. He jumped straight on it and said thats what we need to try, having more time together, without games. Theres only been one day since that we tried to spend together (because of work), and he nagged and nagged to go on Minecraft anyway.

Fast forward a bit... we both headed up on saturday to see his family for his birthday, which is on thursday, and straight away ended up being invited to his friends nans birthday party. Me being shy, was feeling awkward not knowing anyone, and my boyfriend didn't bother introducing me to anyone. In the end he got annoyed with me, and after discussing somethings, he took me back to his dads, promising he'll be home after seeing his brother (about 9 ish) to spend time with me, and went back. He didn't come back till 12.30am. Now, his sister invited her lesbian friend round to stay over.

The next day, he decided instead of going town with me like he promised, he wanted to go football with his brother, and this girl gave him a lift. again, he promised he'd be home about 8 because he'd bought a film to watch with me. He didn't come home till 10.30.
Yesterday, we had a bit of a do because I was upset about him not seeming to want me there. We had a long talk, and he said he wanted a break, because his head was a mess (he has depression) and he doesn't know what he wants.

Talking to his friend later, I found out he'd been hiding a few things from me. Apparently, 2 weeks before I started working with him in January, he told his friend he liked this girl at work, who had just split up with her boyfriend. At first he called his friend a liar when I confronted him. Then said she'd left, then it changed to she works in the office now on the agency. I asked him for the whole truth, since he said he wanted a break anyway and to start a clean slate if we did get back together.

I decided that it didn't feel right me being there anymore if he didn't want me there, plus today he was going to spend the day at football with his brother and leave me on my own again anyway, so I returned home early. I found out after a row with him, that instead of going football, he'd took the girl who was giving him a lift to the cinema, using money I'd borrowed him the day before, and told her he likes her. She's a lesbian so he says she doesn't feel the same..

He's known her all of 2 days and he's decided he likes her.. he says he still cares about me, but whilst I'm on the coach home, he goes straight off behind my back with another girl. Lesbian or not, I still feel betrayed.
He says he doesn't know how he feels and he might just need the time away from me to figure out how he feels. But is this really the right way to go about it? Just want some advice.
Thanks.

TLR; my boyfriend said he wanted a break, and behind my back decided to take some girl the cinema with my money, that he's known for 2 days and decided he likes (even though she's a lesbian)

EDIT: Captcha - Save Face

 

[Jedoro]

Advice? Find someone who actually cares and is worth trusting. He shouldn't tell another girl he likes her when he's already in a relationship. This guy doesn't sound like he's worth your time.

 

[xWestie]

-snip-

The thing is, when he has bothered to spend time with me, it feels like nothings wrong. That we just need to spend more time together. But I've found out he's hidden so much from me. And the thing is, he's changed so much from when we started going out nearly 3 years ago. I still love him to pieces, but I'm wondering why he's changed. He used to be really caring, lately he's been saying things like he might want to go out with more girls before he settles down because he scared of commitment (when after a year of us going out, he bought me a ring and proposed to me? In a roundabout way, but yeah.) The reason I haven't dumped him yet is because untill now I thought he still cared for me, and that we can make it work... I just thought he maybe needed space like he said...

I don't get how he can say he likes a girl when he only knows her two-three days now, knew she was a lesbian to start with, and why he had to go behind my back the minute I left on the coach for home...

 

[Keoul]

He's tired of you :c
He's afraid of losing you and becoming single but still thinks that he could do better, Either confront him, and tell him you want a monogamous relationship with him or dump him.
Dumping him doesn't necessarily mean your relationship is over, just that you can live without him. If you're lucky he'll come back, apologise and you two will be fine again, if not then you've got to move on.

Relationship problems are such a drag, I wish you luck

 

[xWestie]

-snip-

Fair enough if he is, but I've asked time and again if thats how he feels, I've asked for the truth so many times and all he says is he isn't fed up of me, but he doesn't know what he wants because his heads a mess, and that he may just need some time away to realise he misses me.
I'm not fully expecting him to come back to me. But if was fed up, why would he be even thinking of it? If that makes sense.

And thankyou

 

[Whateveralot]

From the first few parts until the end, the only thing that came up in my mind was "GTFO".

Seriously, you'll end up being depressed yourself. Stop wasting your time with this guy that's clearly searching for an oppertunity to dump you for the first girl that tells him she likes him too.

 

[DeathSwitch109]

This isn't unusual in relationships.

1. He's avoiding you.
2. He's arguably lying to you.
3. He says things like "break"
4. He's avoiding confrontation.

Seems to me like he's insecure. Keeping you around because you're a safe bet while looking for better opportunities. He can't handle being alone but he's not happy with you.

This isn't necessarily your fault, this happens to people all the time.

So I'll give you two options:

1. The player route: I don't recommend this but if you're looking for some sort of satisfaction/revenge play his game. Do the four things I stated above and keep your options open. That will get his attention, if he realizes you don't need him and you're better off he'll come crawling back to you. This will not only validate your worth to him but it will also expose his insecurity. Again I don't recommend this but some people enjoy playing games.

2. Move on. Seriously. Move on: It's obvious your relationship isn't going to last much longer so why painfully drag it along? Leave your baggage at the door and find a nice man, perhaps someone you friend-zoned? Haha just kidding. But seriously you seem like a nice person who legitimately cares about your boy friend, why do you have to be on the giving end?

It seems like why all have enough common sense to know something isn't right but can't let go of something you put a lot of time and effort into. Relationships take work, time, and patience but sometimes that isn't enough.

If you do listen to my wisdom and break up with him, do this: Spend a lot of time with friends and family who really care about you, go out and have a good time, find a nice project and set an achievable goal for yourself. Things have a way of working out.

Captcha: easy as cake

Also, any man worth his balls will f'in introduce his gf to family and friends. It's polite, respectful, and downright proper. The fact that he didn't do it simply shows that he's embarrassed to have you around. Is that your fault? HELL NO! He's just douche, you don't need a douche, relatively speaking.

Edit: Last sentence was intended as a joke, crude humor and all that jazz.

Edit again: Also if you really want this to work with him try and examine yourself for a bit, consider that maybe you might not be doing something he likes if you haven't already done so. It's hard to fully understand a situation when you're only hearing one end of the spectrum.

 

[xWestie]

-snip-

Lol, he was someone I had "friend-zoned", and eventually fell in love with. And at first he did really care. Seems like for some reason, he's changed recently. I don't know why, but how he acts these days, isn't 'him.'
He'd introduced me to his family, I've known them most of the time we've been going out and whilst I'm shy, I think we get on ok. It's just when we go to a party or something with his friends, he always tells me to go talk to his sister and she'll introduce me.

I know he's been moaning alot to me about needing space. I tried to give him some, I was gonna stay home the weekend and meet up with him closer to his birthday, so he had time with his friends, but he talked me out of it, thinking its not like me and I had other plans.
His friend tells me he thinks Im not independent enough, because when I go town for example, I always ask him to come with me. And yes, whilst I do understand maybe he doesn't want to always come with me, its to get him off his xbox because he's far far too addicted to it, lol. I like playing games just as much as him, but even I get bored after a bit.

I don't know whether I should take this, and try to prove to him I can be more like that. Go out on my own more, obviously let him do so. But on the same token, I'd want him to spend more time with me and come off the xbox, maybe one day on each of our 4 days off.
Again.. he keeps saying to me he says his head is a mess and he doesn't know what he wants, but he does tell me loves me, and might just need the time away. I don't know whether I should really make the effort before/when he gets back to prove I can be by myself, if that will help, or not...

yeah, I get what you mean. I'm trying to include how he says he feels but untill lately he really hasn't opened up about much. He doesn't really open up to anyone, even his friends.

 

[DeathSwitch109]

-snip-

Lol, he was someone I had "friend-zoned" and at first he did really care. Seems like for some reason, he's changed recently. I don't know why, but how he acts these days, isn't 'him.'
He'd introduced me to his family, I've known them most of the time we've been going out and whilst I'm shy, I think we get on ok. It's just when we go to a party or something with his friends, he always tells me to go talk to his sister and she'll introduce me.

I know he's been moaning alot to me about needing space. I tried to give him some, I was gonna stay home the weekend and meet up with him closer to his birthday, so he had time with his friends, but he talked me out of it, thinking its not like me and I had other plans.
His friend tells me he thinks Im not independent enough, because when I go town for example, I always ask him to come with me. And yes, whilst I do understand maybe he doesn't want to always come with me, its to get him off his xbox because he's far far too addicted to it, lol. I like playing games just as much as him, but even I get bored after a bit.

I don't know whether I should take this, and try to prove to him I can be more like that. Go out on my own more, obviously let him do so. But on the same token, I'd want him to spend more time with me and come off the xbox, maybe one day on each of our 4 days off.
Again.. he keeps saying to me he says his head is a mess and he doesn't know what he wants, but he does tell me loves me, and might just need the time away. I don't know whether I should really make the effort before/when he gets back to prove I can be by myself, if that will help, or not...

If that's what you need to do don't let me stop you, but I'll tell you right now that these are red flags. So yeah give him some space and be more independent...it couldn't hurt (especially if you two might not be together in the near future), and if he comes around and things change for the better then great. If he doesn't then you should probably brace the fact that it's not going to last much longer.

One of my ex-girlfriends said a lot of similar things and she ended up cheating on me (and she told me how much she loved me too). I tried everything too, in hindsight we weren't compatible and we just wanted different things. I wanted to be serious and tied down and she wanted to be independent but that's the roll of the dice sometimes.

I also had another friend who was dumped by her boyfriend recently and she had told me a lot of the same things you're talking about. She tried to make it work and I believe she legitimately cared for him but he didn't want the same things.

Take these examples with a grain of salt though, you're entire relationship is probably different from my own experiences.

But remember this: The more you push for things the harder people resist, take it easy and enjoy it. Even if it doesn't work for this guy but maybe the next one will. Some people just fall out of "love" and they just need to move on. But don't let it get you down, so grab your balls and man up, so to speak.

Edit: Some people play video games to get away, give him some time...even if that means taking some time off from each other. Like I said, if he really does want things to work he'll come around.

 

[xWestie]

-snip-

Yeah, I know what you mean. Well, its what he says I need to do, whether I'll be given the chance I don't know. But I can try and make an effort before he comes back to show him I can do that, and if he wants to give me a chance, great. If not.. then I've kinda already proved to myself I can do things on my own, I guess.

He used to want to settle down. I know you shouldn't listen necessarily but a month in he asked me to marry him, and got pretty upset when I said I think its far too early, but maybe one day I'd like to. After a year of us being together he bought me a ring and asked me again.

I brought that up recently, just saying to him he used to be like that, and he said to me he was "joking." He has ADHD, but as he's growing older, he seems to be acting more childish really than he used to be, and I thought it was something you'd grow out of a little really. It doesn't have the same effect thats for sure, but he blames it for most of his behaviour.
He's saying now thats he's scared of commitment, and the only answer he gave really was "Most people use marriage as a way to just get half the other person's stuff." ... don't know what to take from that like...

Edit: I know that about games, he says it helps him destress out of work. but we work a 4 on 4 off pattern, and all 4 days he'll get up at 5-6am, and just play on the xbox right up untill he goes sleep. The only time he comes off is if I ask him to come town, or to play football with his friends.

Edit again: It's actually gotten that bad that I'll cook us tea, and he won't eat it all because it'll go cold before he's bothered to eat it all.

 

[DeathSwitch109]

The more you talk about it the more it sounds like he's trying to push you away for whatever reason.

Funny how things work you know? One minute he wants to marry you and you turn that notion down admirably and now that you want him more (at least I think you want him more) the more he doesn't want the relationship (seemingly). He's probably in way over his head and doesn't know how to handle it, just be patient but don't anchor yourself.

I've adapted "the ends justify the means" approach when it comes to relationships now, only dealing with absolutes so I don't get hurt in the long run. Ironically enough I play a Paragon in Mass Effect.

Also I have ADD and using that as a crutch is a poor excuse for behavior. Whatever is going on in that little head of his isn't due to ADHD but probably a change of heart. Plus hanging out with other women (lesbian or not) and using your money is f'ed up. I would have ended it right there.

Edit: The tea you mentioned almost sounds symbolic.

Edit again: He may even be suffering from depression. I'm no shrink but that sounds unhealthy.

Edit again!: I realize I've been going on different tangents but it's hard to truly analyze your situation without the facts laid out for me but hopefully I've shed some perspective for you to take into consideration.

 

[xWestie]

-snip-

He does have depression. Can't remember if I put that up there.. and thats why he /says/ his head is all over the place. He was on medication over the last month, but didn't get anymore when they ran out because he didn't want to deal with it using medication. He says he's felt this way since way back as a kid. And I've always tried to be there if he wants to talk to me, but he doesn't open up to anyone about what he's thinking about. He has been suicidal in the past, and he says he doesn't want to talk about it because it doesn't want to remember all he's done in the past. He said the other day he may tell me one day, but... not sure if he means it.

His excuse for that is we're on a break and he needed cheering up. Still doesn't make it any better though. Obviously, I'll be hopeful and I'll make an effort for him. But I'll try not to expect it too much. I just wish that when I've asked in the past when he's felt he doesn't want to be with me, that he actually.. y'know, told me properly how he felt and didn't force himself to keep trying if its really not what he wants. I've never forced him. I've always said if it's not what he wants, he shouldn't. But for some reason he has.

Edit: You are helping, and I thankyou for taking the time to do so~ I know it's probably all quite complicated x.x

 

[DeathSwitch109]

Then my advice to you is this:

Leave him be, when he wants to come to you he will but for now be there for him by not trying to help. Sounds counter-productive but it's probably the best way to deal with it for right now. But if he keeps disrespecting you/lying/hanging out with other women (like he did with the lesbian) then you should definitely take a stand because relationships aren't a one way street.

 

[xWestie]

Yeah.
Well thats what I'm gonan try and do. I've agreed that I'm not gonna contact him now untill he comes home. If he wants to phone, thats up to him. When he does want to talk about it, I want to make it clear that what he did is just a disrespectful to me as a friend, as a girlfriend. He could have at least give some time to sit back and think, to decide what he wants to do with the relationship, and maybe move on if need be, rather than chasing another girl.
What I don't get is though, he;s scared of commitment he says. But if he'd have split up with me properly, and then gone straight for that girl, if she had of been interested... thats just moving the problem to someone else in a way. Its still committing to someone, instead of giving himself freedom.

 

[DeathSwitch109]

Here's a question for you:

Would you want to be in a relationship where your partner is afraid of commitment? Even after all this time? A year is more than enough time to figure out if you want to be serious or move on.

Captcha: face the music

 

[xWestie]

But I'm not sure if he means it. Because saying its about "possessions" (And thats the only reason he could come out with), is a bit of a stupid reason. ... I suppose I just want to see what happens, if we can get back a bit of how we used to be.. Maybe I'm just being too hopeful? Idk.

 

[DeathSwitch109]

Too hopeful? Probably but that's not unusual for most people including myself but sometimes you just gotta ask yourself:

"Can I keep going through with this only to be hurt in the end?"

Or

"Should I end it now before any more damage is done?"

Edit: You're dealing with a slight possibility that things might work out, if you think it's worth the risk...by all means.

I know people who've taken breaks in a relationship only to come back stronger and more appreciative of each other. Maybe that might help.

Edit: I do hope things work out for you though, sorry if I come off a bit cynical I'm not trying to be haha.

 

[xWestie]

If he comes back and wants to start again, I'll probably risk it. But I've already made it clear to him that whilst I'll obviously try to give him more space like he wants, and be more independent, I'd like if more often he'll come off the xbox and spend just a bit of time with me. And he needs to tell me the truth more. Instead of bottling up and carrying on just because its what I want, I want him to tell me how he feels. If it doesn't happen, that'll be the last time I try.

 

[DeathSwitch109]

That's a good attitude to have, I'm glad my advice helped you out. I've seen this happen a lot, it's a very complicated issue if you read between the lines.